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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » really bad times

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Author Topic: really bad times
Matthere
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hi,

This is my first time posting on these forums so I'm really nervous here.

I'm a 16 year old boy/guy/whatever and I just went through a really bad break up. I found this place using google to find a way to work with this becuase everything was about girls and stuff like that and nothing about guys but I finnaly found this place and got a forum link.

Lifes really in the shit right now (am I allowed to curse here? I'll just do it that once just in case) but it really is. I've been with her for so logn now that I just dont know what to do without her. Girls can talk to all these people and like, vent to friends and stuff but like..I can't really do that, and I don't know where to turn.

We broke up in an argument becuase a ton of stuff here has been happening and then she started complaining and I told her how shes so rediculous sometimes and I kind of like...not really exploded but it was along those lines and then she started getting really mad and we ended up breaking up long story short and now I just..i dont know. so much has been happening lately that suicide is on my mind every night worse and worse and she was the last person i had that i could really talk to or say something if i had to, and i was going to tonight to try to talk about some stuff with her but we broke up before i could and now i just dont know what to do. its 1109 pm here and i just dont know...i dont know what to say unless someone asks for something in piticular..probably wasting space on these boards, im sorry

thanks if anyone replies

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Stephanie_1
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Hey Matt, sorry for the longer wait. Welcome to Scarleteen.

First and foremost, I want to let you know you're absolutely not wasting space on the boards, and please don't be sorry for reaching out for help. I also want to give you the number of the national suicide hotline, and ask that if you're feeling unsafe/ suicidal that you please call them. They specialize in helping people through these times. Their number is: 1- 800- 273 - 8255

We ask that user's don't use profanity (to answer your first question). Girls aren't the only ones that can have friends to vent to. Guys do that too - and there's nothing wrong with that. Do you have any friends, or an adult you can talk to, someone that may be able to help you through some of this in-person.

I'm sorry your relationship ended as it did. If you don't mind my asking, can you understand how she may have been angry when you called her ridiculous for 'complaining' about something when you said you often turned to her for support? You know, our romantic partners,while a great person to talk to, are not counselors and really should not be treated as such. It makes things in the relationship very difficult sometimes. I'm seeing she did offer you a place to turn when you had trouble, but I'm not seeing that same exchange from you in terms of being there to support her when she needed that.

Have you thought about counseling? That offers you a place to turn and someone to talk to that is there and can help you work through things that you're not romantically involved with. It takes that burden from our partners and allows the relationship to continue outside of some typical life problems. Is this something you'd consider?

[ 06-17-2010, 02:29 AM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Matthere
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No what I said was that I felt she was the only person I could go to for help, but hadn't done so yet but I was planning on bringing things up to her and talking to her last night. And right before I did she started going on about how she hates her body and shes was in a ton of pain that day becuse she was binding (what she told me its when you wrap something like an ace bangae around your boobs to make them non existant and her reason was she doesn't like her boobs). So I told that shes being rediculous and that she said she was better after I helped her feel good about her body before and that shes going back to the same way she was and doing really extreme things if their hurting her and I didn't like it. And from there she started yelling at me and it turned into a fight and we broke up before I could tell her what was happening here.

I wasn't telling her what was going on around the house or at home becuase I didn't want that to be all she thought of about me and I didn't want her to worry or anything like that, but last night it was just getting to too much and then that happened.

Last month my mom was diagnosed with cancer that is following down the entire family becuase my grandfather just had to have another surgery this year for his cancer coming back. And my brother is having trouble going back and forth from Iraq for three times now and just recently were having a scare that my grandmother is around the corner of death and that I might have testicular cancer from extensive ball taps and crap like that in school.

I was just going to tell her some of it and leave out my cancer part becuase her brother was one of them doing it in school and I didnt want her to think if I had cancer I was less of a man or something.

yea, I'm keeping that number written down and close by, thanks. I went to counciling before by choice becuase of seeing things and hearing things at night but I couldnt stand the lady that was my counciler so I started pretending everything was ok and we eventually stopped going. I'm kind of afraid to go somewhere again because I might not like the persona and I don't know what mom and dad will think if I ask to start going again. Ended up staying up until three am last night laying in bed feeling like a screw up and like I must have done something wrong for all this to be happening and I'm still trying to get the thoughts out of my head but nothings really working.

thanks for the reply

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Carpe Diem
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I'm sorry that you didn't connect very well with your counselor, sometimes it takes a couple trys before finding one that you relate to and feel comfortable opening up to. Is there anyway you can get a new counselor who is a better fit for you?

With your relationship, body image issues are very real and calling someone ridiclous likely won't solve anything.

Per what was happening to you in school, is this still going on? I would encourage you to seek out a school official and tell them what happened. However, while I am certinley no doctor, I do not believe that what you described can cause testicular cancer.

Stay safe.

[ 06-17-2010, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: happybunny123 ]

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"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."
-Joseph Campbell

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Matthere
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I said rediculous and then explained to her about how I think shes beuatiful and mean rediculous as in she shouldn't be thinking she isn't. But yea...it probably didn't help at all. I don't know if theres a way to get another counciler, I'm really anxious about asking again from my parents to set one up and I don't know like..is there a way to see if you like someone before commiting to them as your counciler? I still wouldn't want to offend them if I decided they wern't for me..

Sadly it is a way to get cancer, like if you punch a girl in the chest they can get breast cancer. My health teacher said it works the same way with guys and they were doing it all year (its summer now) and lately its been where if I stand up, my lower back will hurt really bad and my left testicle (sadly took the most dmg in school becuase kids would run up to me hit me and then run past me) will hurt really bad until I sit down. And normally its like, ok its just an off day or something, but we had someone in wellness (my schools health class that I took) come in and tell us their story about surviving testicular cnacer and this was exactly how it started happening for them. I'm pretty sure its not one of thsoe things where you think you have te symptoms so they start happening but its actually just you being paranoid, becuase that class was two years ago and this stuff happening is what made me think of it, not the other way around. Also I'm afraid to ask mom to take me to the doctor for it becuase its extremely embarrasing and kind of a blow to man hood/pride I guess, so I dont know how to get to a doctor to have them check..does anyone have any ideas?

thanks for all the replies so far, its nice knowing people are willing to read this and reply back

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Stephanie_1
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Iím really sorry counseling didnít work out, but as happybunny saidÖ it wonít always work the first time. Finding a counselor is like finding the perfect pair of shoes. Sometimes youíll find a pair and love them and they fit perfectly, other times you have to try on a couple or few pairs until you find the one you like. Knowing were youíre at in you family situation and how things are in your life, also knowing youíre not feeling safe with yourself, would you be willing to try again. Itís REALLY important when things like this happen that we have somewhere to turn for some in-person help.

Iím not sure why your health teacher would say that. There is no known link between breast cancer and hitting/punching and there is no known link between testicular cancer and ball taps. I will tell you if you do a little research there is no medical journal that lists anything about ball taps of any other such thing in a section about known links with cancer and causes of this cancer. As well, cancer is something that happens to all different kinds of people, and having any kind of cancer doesn't make anyone less of who they are - so no you wouldn't be less of a man if this did happen at some point in your life. Furthermore, it's less likely cancer than it is from the trauma of you being hit there multiple times - and you want to see a doctor about that.

I really am sorry to hear about the things going on with your family right now, and itís all the more reason you should have some in-person help right now. You can even simply tell your parents with everything going on you feel like you need a little support and thereís absolutely nothing wrong with that.

[ 06-17-2010, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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atm1
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Hi Matt,

Counselors and therapists are very used to the fact that some patients just don't click with them. It's completely normal for someone to go for a session or two and decide they need someone else. Really, it's normal, and no therapist would be offended by it.

If you're having testicular pain, you really should go to the doctor. It's not likely cancer, but rather damage from repeated trauma. If you do not get it treated now, it can cause further problems (ie chronic pain) down the road.

I have actually seen at least one news article about teenage boys seeing doctors because they have injuries like what you're describing, so I doubt you'll shock a doctor. You can be very straight forward about saying that you've been hit in the testicles repeatedly and are now in pain.

Really, this is not just something that you can blow off--you need to see a doctor and get treatment.

As for cancer, I have never, ever heard that hitting testes or breasts can cause testicular or breast cancer. I find that claim really, really dubious and unless someone presents you with a medical study showing that, I'd encourage you not to believe it. [And sure, I bet there are some types of cancers that are more likely to happen if there has been trauma to an organ, though, again, this is not something to believe a health teacher about. You can ask your doctor when you see him/her.]

So, do you think you can talk to your mom about going to the doctor? You can just say you're having some pain and it needs to be taken care of. You don't have to explain getting hit, though I'd advise being honest.

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Stephanie_1
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Just an update on information, I put in a call to my friend whose dad is an oncologist, he confirmed there's no connection between that type of trauma and cancer.

--------------------
"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Matthere
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I'm thinking of telling her I feel sick, and shes cool with not going in with me and ask if I want her to come in with me before I go into the doctors room everytime so this time I'll just say I'm ok with going alone.

Yea I don't know why she would say that either if it isn't true -.- kinda lame if you ask me, and then a bunch of kids were confirming it too...thanks guys..love you too. But yea I do want to get it checked out then even if it isn't a chance of cancer becuase getting hot pockits hurt. (by the by, coffee, and something hot to eat like hot pockets and some accoustic blues is a good combination...and as sad as it is...comfort food is awsome.) I feel a little better about the break up right now becuase after last night I took a shower just a few minutes ago and decided to call my brother in Iraq. He got his entire squad telling me jokes and stories about bad break ups they had and it lifted my spirits alot. I'm just trying to stay off MSN right now becuase I know shes online and im trying to entertain my mind with things that dont involve her and this place is great for that. I'm reading the thread were you tell parents to shove it and other random threads. One thing that this forum is completely void of that I see every other forum has an abundance of; is trolls...and thats awsome. Finnaly a place to talk about things where you dont get trolled and told your doing things wrong or are just hated or some BS like that. I'm a strong gamer (world of warcraft, EvE online, darkfall online, and anything else if anyone plays tell me and hit me up in game I help anyone who ask because I've got obscenely good chars on all of the games) but all the game forums are so loaded with trolls its sadening.

Its really relieving that kids are just BS about being hit in the spots and causing cancer. Wish I knew what to say about the teacher though, I'de probably probe them a bit more if school was still going on.

I'm still kind of on the fence about the counciler though, my parents think everything is fine and if I randomly brought up wanting to see one they might start getting weird or something. I'll have to wait until one of them eventually gets home sometime. Both work non stop and are gone for weeks at a time sometime. Its kind of nice though, I was raised by two great people when tehy were never home. Frogger and Barny. Heck yea.

You guys are great here and I think even after this all eventually sub sides I'm going to stick around. Thanks everyone for the replies--so the councer thing is less likely then I thought? Great. But it still hurts like a mofo. And sence this place is more about sex and stuff. I think I have one more question that has been eating at me and I didn't want to bring it up to dad becuase hed ask obvious questions like who was offering. But, if I turn down sex, like, becuase I don't feel like I'm ready-would that make me any less of a man? Becuase asking someone who I'm not really close to, I asked rethoricly so it was more descrete and they said yes v.v

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Carpe Diem
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Try not to let the fact that you see talking about what happened as embarassing stop you from seeking medical attention. As Stephanie and atm1 said, repeated trauma can cause damage, so it's best to get it checked out.

I wish you wouldn't see any of this a a blow to your manhood/pride. I assure you that no good doctor will think anything bad about you on that front.

And absolutley, you can meet a counselor and see if you mesh well before you begin to see them regularly, and they will not be offended if it doesn't work out. After all, feeling comfortable with a counselor it crucial for it to be a beneficial experience.

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"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."
-Joseph Campbell

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Matthere
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Doc said that I'm just in bad shape right now from people constantly hitting them and that the stress I've had lately is only making it worse. He said just relax, don't let things get to me and just hang out, don't do major sporty things and all that jazz. Basically it will heal and go back to normal if I dont stress it so I'm pretty good right now.

I think even just having this place as a vent source was good for me to be able to explain things to a different source or a third party know what I mean? You guys helped so much and right now, I'm feeling pretty damn great.

I'm going to keep coming here and popping in, and if theres a post here that I think I might be able to help, I'm going to try to help others and give my input too. Thank you so much everyone.

[ 06-17-2010, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: Matthere ]

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Stephanie_1
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Just wanted to add in here too? Everyone becomes ready for any type of sex at different times. It's not about age, or being a "man" or "woman" about anything... it's simply when you mentally, emotionally, and financially are ready and okay with any risks associated with any type of sex. Please don't let whomever said it makes you less of a man get to you, it certainly does not. Why not take a look at this: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

On a side note, given some of the tough things your family as a whole is dealing with in terms of health, your parents may understand better than you think they will your need/want for someone to talk to about everything.


(Also, not sure what you meant by the "double posting- sue me, but I checked your post log and this is the only thread you've posted. By double posting we don't mean writing in the same thread more than once, we mean making multiple of the same threads, for instance if you posted this same question 2/3 places on the boards.)

[ 06-17-2010, 02:10 PM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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mma
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quote:
Originally posted by Matthere:
One thing that this forum is completely void of that I see every other forum has an abundance of; is trolls...and thats awsome. Finnaly a place to talk about things where you dont get trolled and told your doing things wrong or are just hated or some BS like that.

That's a really astute observation you've made. Behold! The power of setting and enforcing appropriate boundaries and ground rules. [Cool]

We can thank the Scarleteen staff and gracious volunteers for this small miracle of a troll-free corner of the web.

I sure am glad that your mom is taking you to the doctor, and I hope that all goes well with that. If you need to go to any follow up appointments, you might want to mention that you need help with getting into counseling again (but if you can do it sooner than that, even better!). I bet your doctor would be a really helpful interface with your mom, because he or she is a neutral 3rd party who knows it's nothing to freak out about just because you need a little extra support now and then. Especially with both of your parents being gone so much; it's just a natural fact that you're going to need some more help. Growing up is a lot of hard work! [Smile]

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Matthere
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quote:
Originally posted by Stephanie_1:


(Also, not sure what you meant by the "double posting- sue me, but I checked your post log and this is the only thread you've posted. By double posting we don't mean writing in the same thread more than once, we mean making multiple of the same threads, for instance if you posted this same question 2/3 places on the boards.)

Oh ok (didnt read the posting thing becuase I know I won't be on of the people just flipping crap everywhere and making things harder for people/breaking the law so I ussualy just skip it) but in other forums people would complain if you "double post" which means, instead of just edditing an old post, or waiting for someone to reply before posting again, you make two post in a row so for example :

peron 1: types
person 2: types
person 1: types

is normal but double posting is when someone goes

p1:
p2:
p2:

and thats double posting in a nutshell haha. Also I edited my last post about how the doctor went. So its right up there that way I dont re type it all here.

Thanks again everyone

[ 06-17-2010, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: Matthere ]

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Stephanie_1
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I'm glad your feeling better, and soon enough with a little R&R and care for yourself physically you'll be back to your old self in no time. Just a note, here we just consider double posting posting the same question in different areas. It's better to post right after yourself if you have an update or the like, because if you just edit your post it won't change the lightbulb color on the main boards to let us know there's been a new post made that we should see. Make sense? So it's perfectly fine to post after yourself, we're totally okay with that around here [Smile]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Matthere
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Yea it makes great sence, people are just attention seekers in the other forums and are all "nuu, i needs mah tentions for the day! no stealings my attentions!"

But that goes back to trolls which happily this forums doesnt have. I'm probably gonna be busy for the rest of the day and take a break from posting. don't worry, no real hard work or stressful things, going to relax and hang out on WoW for a little bit and re watch an awsome movie or two like Pirate Radio, which is an AMAZING movie [Big Grin]

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Stephanie_1
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Glad to hear it, and so glad you're feeling better today [Smile] .

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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