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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Just need someone to talk to (Page 5)

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Author Topic: Just need someone to talk to
Heather
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I'm so sorry to hear your mother has been unsupportive. [Frown] I'd share that with your counselor, and ask if she'd make a call to talk to your Mom about why this is so important. She'll probably be more than glad to do that for you.

You know, when we're trying to learn new ways of coping, we'll often fall back sometimes. Don't beat yourself up about it. You've made such big strides: make those steps forward more important than any temporary steps back, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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I did share this imformation with my counselor. But, not only is my mom unsupportive but so is my dad. Well, actutally my dad has never been really involved with what was happening to me.

They won't even pay for my sessions, I have to pay for them. They think therapy is useless and doesn't help with anything.

I just don't know how to feel right now.

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~Lillian

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Heather
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That's a really rough spot to be in. There was a time in my life when the counseling I needed was something one of my parents and a stepparent also refused. I get the impression my household was somewhat different than yours, but it's entirely possible something I'm sure came into play with mine in that is coming into play with yours here.

Parents who are either being abusive or who aren't but who had a child abused by another family member they were either in denial around, or just didn't pay enough attention to, often feel incredibly guilty. You being proactive in your healing poses a certain risk of you identifying truths that they don't feel ready to, yet. That's not fair, for sure, but it is very common.

Have you asked your counselor if she'd talk with your Mom about this the next time she drops you off?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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No, but it's my dad that drives me there now since my mom has to work. My dad says that since he found a safer route to go to my therapist's it could be possible for me to drive there myself. My parents are also cutting off giving me money, which means I have to work everyday after school now in order to pay for therapy, gas for my car and to have a little speneding money.

All of this is causing me stress. I have a huge test to take in my ap biology class tomorrow and I can't concentrate on studying. I'm thinking of going to my teacher in the morning and asking her if I can take the test on monday.

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~Lillian

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Heather
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I'm afraid I'm all too familiar with some of the spot you're in. I'm so sorry that you're being so unsupported by your parents.

Just FYI, though, have you talked to your rape advocate about the cost of therapy? Given your court case, it may be that the state will pay for your therapy so you don't have to.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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Yes, my advocate did say that they will cover the cost of therapy but I think you have to fill out some paperwork and all that fun stuff to get the ball rolling on that. I also called her today but she wasn't there, so I left a message.

[ 11-05-2010, 06:50 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

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~Lillian

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bookwormfairy
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I haven't posted in a while and I thought I'd update you guys.

My psychologist diagnosed me with adjustment disorder. I like her very much, she is easy to talk to.

School is going well, finished the first quarter with one B and the rest A's. I'm avoiding all the guys (and girls) that are giving me problems. I'm also in the process of getting trained to be a mentor for 9th gr. girls.

[ 11-18-2010, 06:03 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

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~Lillian

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eryn_smiles
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Hi bookwormfairy,

I think I haven't written in your thread before, but good on you for doing so well in school and finding a therapist you can trust! I think you're going to be a wonderful mentor for the girls [Smile] . You've come really far from everything you've been through, I hope you realise that.

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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bookwormfairy
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More happy news, I got accepted into one of the colleges I applied to [Smile] One down, still waiting for three more.

Just thinking of college is overwhelming. It's going to take a lot of work to accomplish what I want to do. Not to mention it's going to take me 10-11 yrs. to get my degrees.

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~Lillian

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Heather
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That's so utterly fantastic!!! Hooray, you!

No need to think of the whole long haul all at once: that's always daunting, no matter what any of us want to do. Revel in each step, I say!

So great to hear this. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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I won't be seeing my therapist for a while. My mom doesn't understand why I want to see her and other things. Today was my last appt.

But, eventually, I will get the courage to tell my mom why I want to see my therapist.

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~Lillian

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bookwormfairy
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Ok, I really want to see my therapist and I asked this question before but, how do I start a conversation like that with her?

I'm thinking of just sending her an email telling her the basics as to why I want therapy and write in there that if she wants more detail, when she wants to she could ask me.

It's just that everyday I look in the mirror and wish none of it happened meaning everything starting from when I was 12. Thinking about how I could turn back time back to when I was in 5th gr., innocent and not knowing what the world was really like.

And also thinking about how sometimes I wasn't as pretty as I was, like if I wasn't as pretty, maybe just maybe none of it would have happened or how young I look, some people mistake me for a kid in middle school when I'm almost 18. Maybe because of how young or innocent I looked they picked me.

Only those guys know why they picked me. All of these things I'm thinking, I know are things I can't control, looks and stuff are all coincidental as to why those guys picked me. But, those questions of why are still going on.

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~Lillian

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bookwormfairy
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Apparently I can't edit my previous post. So anyway to clarify, for some reason now, I'm asking myself all these questions of why and what if.

I've read other users posts who have thought of the same thing and I don't know why I'm thinking of these things now. It's all over with, I'm getting on with my life and everything.

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~Lillian

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Heather
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Do you want to talk about some of this here, or are you asking how to make clear to your mother that your therapy is something you really need?

With the looks thing, I'd just cross that out of your mind. Why? Because when it comes to rape and sexual abuse, you're talking about around one in every five people, of all different ages, who look all different ways. Some victims are people who fit mainstream beauty standards and who are, or look, young. Some aren't any of those things.

That's not to say I don't understand asking yourself these questions: I do. And in terms of age, rape/sexual abuse rates are higher in younger people of all ages than older people, so we do know that being young does include being more at risk of abuse. But that's not just the case for you or about you uniquely: that's the case for everyone.

Looking to things like this is kind of circling back to self-blame: it's about looking at what YOU did or how YOU were that made this happen to you.

The thing is, you didn't make this happen to you, and neither did how you look, I promise. The person or people who abused you are the ones who made these choices based mostly on them, and very little on you, save the fact that they had the opportunity to abuse you (as in, you were there, where they could, and that really is all).

[ 01-02-2011, 04:18 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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Both I guess. It's hard for me to start a conversation with her with practically anything since we don't talk much.

I think emailing would be easier though since I can express more of what I want without my mom saying to just deal with it myself.

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~Lillian

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Heather
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Am I understanding that your Mom terminated your therapy? Were you ever able to arrange a conversation about this with her and your therapist like we'd talked about when you mentioned this was a possibility?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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Yes, my mom ended my therapy again. No, I didn't get my therapist to talk to my mom.

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~Lillian

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Heather
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My best suggestion is that you call your therapist and ask if you could arrange that meeting now, either in her office or by phone.

That way, you have another adult who can both advocate for you, but also help make very clear why your therapy is so important.

Can you do that?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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Um, maybe. So, if I was going to set this up, I probably would want to send my mom the email or talk to her first,see how she reacts and if she still doesn't want me to be in therapy then I call my therapist. That way she won't think it's the therapist's idea. How does that sound?

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~Lillian

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Heather
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I think that sounds like an excellent plan.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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I can't deal with it anymore. I plan on talking with my mom tomorrow about continuing with my therapy.

At night I find myself crying. I don't know why, maybe because I am still thinking about everything or from watching the shows/movies that are triggering.

I'm taking it one step at a time though, tomorrow at girls star, the theme is relationships and coping. I'm going to be introducing the theme to the 9th graders by talking about the relationships I've been in and the ways I've coped with it. From telling them this, I hope to help them understand that the perfect boyfriend might not be so perfect and that the ways I've coped with/during the realationship, selfdistructive wise, aren't good.

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~Lillian

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Heather
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Lilamber: I was only passing through to check on everything before I went to bed, but I saw this post from you and didn't feel right leaving it sitting.

I really, really, REALLY want to make sure that in all of this you are not forgetting how exceptional you are.

You have survived some awful harassment, sexual abuse within your family, even having that splashed across the news, and you are still resilient enough to keep trying to help yourself and to fight for that. You are already even trying to help others. Not everyone can do that: a lot of people don't survive that well.

I know knowing those things are only going to help so much when you feel so unsupported, but please know there is someone out there who thinks you are an absolute marvel.

Also please know that you have a LOT to recover and heal from, and this is undoubtedly going to be a long process for you. I know that stinks (boy, do I) but you having a hard time coping sometimes is totally understandable.

Remember that you can always ask your therapist to help in these conversations with your mother, okay? They may not be something you can tackle alone. Hang in there, Amber. You're amazing.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ecofem
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Hi Liliamber,

Because I've been around the boards this week, I wanted to stop by and say hello. Heather and volunteers and other users have been doing a great job of keeping in touch with you throughout all this and I'm glad. I'm sorry if it seemed like I just dropped off the boards back in April: I resigned from volunteering to focus on my career but didn't leave a formal goodbye on the boards. However, I have read up on your thread. I want to reiterate what Heather said about your being a clearly exceptional person!

It is cool to read about all the things you have accomplished since you have started posting here: you have been accepted to college (a bright academic future!), you have earned your nail tech license (a great way to earn money!), you have passed your driver's license (freedom to get around), and you have a lot of life experience. The last bit is tricky because no one should really have to go through such awful stuff to gain such insights: however, you have always been smart and insightful and kind, which are skills/talents for helping cope with the awful stuff and which are certainly honed as we go on in life. I think it's really noble of you to share what you have learned with others in order to try to keep them safe-- how incredibly awesome is it that you're a leader at Girls Star!!

So, yeah, you're downright awesome. :-)

Still, processing and dealing with stuff after surviving such hardship is really difficult, and certainly more challenging without more support, to make use of understatement. However, I know you can do it: please just hang in there. Your future is so bright and so close: going away to college and living independently while also having full access to support there (not to mention the library and activity center and dining hall, yum!)

I don't want to focus on my stuff too much here but I will say that I was going through something really hard my senior year of high school. I think I've shared bits before but here's a more complete version. It was pretty much exactly ten years ago when the s*** really hit the fan. I was at a self-imposed impasse in choosing between secretly staying with an abusive boyfriend (so much of the abuse was yet to be recognized) and my parents who forbid me from seeing him. When I finally decided to leave the relationship, I felt as if I were so alone: My parents were well-intended but left me feeling completely unsupported emotionally. My best friend at the time, plus some strong coping strategies like music and journaling, were what got me through it.

Yeah, I got through it but there are surely better ways to get through something devastating other than finding myself crying when I woke up and then spending hours crying myself to sleep!! Seeing a counselor would have helped so much but it wasn't an option at the time. Fortunately, like you, I was able to still thrive academically -- I had the reverse of senioritis -- and had a lot of stuff going for me: when I got a what was nearly a full merit scholarship to college, I knew that I would be able to attend college full time, live away from home, and be able to support myself through work-study and other employment. Obviously, these things sound great to someone on the outside but for me at the time, the choice was a lot harder. I remember questioning my choice to stay at home and finish school in such an incredibly negative emotional environment. However, the realization that I was giving up 3-6 months of freedom now for a lifetime of freedom later is what kept me going. Those months certainly felt like a lifetime but here am I am ten year later and I can proudly tell you that I have an AWESOME life!

Sure, there have been -- and will be -- some really tough moments or trying things in my life BUT I have a wonderful career and a rich education, have lived abroad and traveled extensively; I have amazing friends and my relationship with my family is really positive again! I have had a lot of dating and relationship adventures: not all good but mostly fun! I also have some great "stuff": being able to come home to a cozy home set up just the way I want, to eat yummy meals I prepare myself, to spend all night talking to friends or reading for hours, in the bathtub even [Razz] , is super. All of these sorts of things await you, too, although just the way YOU will want them to be. [Smile]

In fact, you are farther along than I was in this regard: you have your "eye on the prize" than I was at the time, in terms of being more aware of what happened and working steadily to process it. Still, those hard moments will arise, where we question our actions and are frustrated by our situations and wonder if and when it'll change. However, it's definitely worth it when it does happen: not overnight but over time... and I'm so excited for you!

Good luck with everything! I hope your Girl Star discussion on relationships goes well tomorrow. I've been thinking of you. <3 <3 <3

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bookwormfairy
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Thanks you guys.

I'll talk to my mom soon, she just came home.

I'll write back later.

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~Lillian

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bookwormfairy
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So I talked to my mom. I told her that at night I find myself crying, I showed her the list I made of the guys I've been with and what they did to me. I even showed her some of my posts.

All she says was to not be dependent on the therapist and get over it on my own. I understand that in my culture, we don't talk about these type of things to anyone but talking about it is helpful. I also know that my mom went through the same things and she had no one to talk to about it. If it were up to me, both my mom and I would be in therapy.

I'm going to try to talk to her again about it and if that doesn't work I'll call my therapist and see what she can do.

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~Lillian

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Heather
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I'm not excusing the way she's handling this, but sometimes it's very hard for people who did not get help in similar situations to see that others CAN get it and need it. It can be all too easy for anyone in that situation to kind of affix a status/pride to having gotten through it without help, perhaps in part because it's so hard to get through some of this without it, so surviving it going it alone is pretty major.

At the same time, there's nothing that makes anyone "better" to not having been helped or for staying silent. Any of us who have been in that position have just been unlucky, really not better. And I know that you know that with help, we all tend to heal more completely and are less likely to overlook blind spots where we may think we did fine, but perhaps really didn't, like say, not seeing abuse when it's happening to someone we care about because we still have a lot of blind spots.

I really think asking your therapist for help here is likely to be your best bet.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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I've been feeling depressed lately. I don't care about anything anymore. I even went back to cutting which wasn't a good idea and I cut myself in a place where I promised myself that I would never cut. Plus, the cuts are longer and deeper than I usually make.

Right now, I feel like just getting back to do the things I used to do. Like drugs and have relationships with guys where the only thing we do is sex. Maybe that would be easier.

It's not practical to do that but when school started I was good at telling the guys no when they were touching me during class but now I don't care and the thing with drugs is that it will keep me from thinking about everything.

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~Lillian

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bookwormfairy
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Any advice. I don't know what to do anymore. The harassment in school has gotten worse in my opinion and I just don't care anymore. Thankfully schools over in four months.

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~Lillian

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Onionpie
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Hey liliamber, I hope you don't mind me jumping in [Smile]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time right now and that your mother's not being supportive. Have you had a chance yet to talk to your therapist and maybe get them to talk to your mother? Now's a really important time for you to be getting external help, and I really think having a professional adult to advocate for you might help you out a lot. Might you also have some other adult in your life who you can count on for support and advocacy? Maybe a favourite teacher or a family friend?

If you're thinking of turning back to drugs, and have started cutting again, I also really suggest calling a distress centre or suicide hotline (they can help even if you're not actually feeling suicidal). They can also help to set you up with some resources that could provide some in-person support for you while you're unable to attend therapy.

Either of these numbers will be able to help:
National Suicide Hotlines -
1-800-SUICIDE
or
1-800-273-TALK

They'll be able to help you out in finding some local resources too.

Also know that the process of healing from abuse is a long and difficult road, one that you have so much courage for taking; and sometimes we do have moments when we might backslide a bit or like the feelings have gotten worse again, and it can feel really disheartening. But it happens to all of us, and it's okay, and it's something we can get through. So always remember that you're an amazing person, and you're so courageous.

I'm sorry if someone's asked this in a previous post, I'm not 100% up-to-date on your postings; but have you reported the harassment you're experiencing at school? If not, do you think that's something that might work and help make these people stop treating you like this?

I hope you're doing okay. We're here for you [Smile]

[ 02-01-2011, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

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bookwormfairy
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I have talked to my therapist and she offered to talk to my mom but I told her I wanted to try one more time to talk to my mom and if that didn't work then I'll call her back to talk to my mom.

I don't report them anymore. They don't care and don't do anything about it. When they do something about it, they only talk to the person which doesn't do anything.

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~Lillian

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Onionpie
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I'm so sad to hear that your school has been so unhelpful! That must feel awful, I'm sorry you have to put up with that.

Do you have a solid plan as to what to say to your mother and when you'll talk to her about it? I'd really suggest doing it as soon as you feel ready because being in a crisis like this, external help from someone like a therapist can be really life-saving. You really need to focus on your own well-being right now, and a therapist would be the perfect person to help with that [Smile]

In the meantime, is there anything else you feel we could help you with? Do you want to talk about some of what you're feeling more, or what other resources you may be able to take advantage of until you can get back into therapy?

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bookwormfairy
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I actually do. Suprisingly, I have a boyfriend now. He asked me two days ago to be his girlfriend and I told him yes. He's a mutual friend and I know he does some drugs but it's something that most high school guys do so I'm ok with it and he's a recovering alcoholic. Today, I met his mom for a little bit because I drove him to work since I wanted to talk to him in person.

So far, I'm being good at speaking up for myself when I'm with him and in general I'm more verbal about my boundries. It's a lot of work for me to get to that point but I'm glad I'm able to do that.

But, I have doubts sometimes that as the relationship progresses, I would be more passive.

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~Lillian

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Heather
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Do you feel like this is something you're ready for? As well, since it sounds like he's in recovery for one substance, but still doing others -- and thus, not really in recovery at all -- do you feel like this is a sound choice of person for you?

I would not say that most guys (or anyone) in high school do drugs: there's really no data to back that up at all. So, it's not like you have to choose to be with someone who uses, especially someone who you know has issues with addiction as it is.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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I do, I feel like I am more able to speak up and be more direct. Also I now have my own idea of what a good relationship should be like and what a caring boyfriend should be. Plus I feel like I learned a lot from the last year about myself that will help me have a healhty relationship.

He's only using one drug. I'm ok with it because it's something that most people I know do it, (just to clarify).

My parents are also ok with me dating him. They don't know about his drug use but they have their own view of how white high school guys are so they suspect that he does.

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~Lillian

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Heather
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Can I ask if he's honest about using that one drug with his sponsor for his recovery?

I trust you in making these decisions, by the way. I also, though, know that when we've grown up around abuse and been abused, it can take a long time to be able to see trouble coming well, because we were basically taught not to see it.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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