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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Just need someone to talk to (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Just need someone to talk to
bookwormfairy
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I have a therapist and I could talk to that teacher. Although that teacher will probably make me go see the counselor and whenever I go see the counselor, I always end up missing at least one of my classes. I don't like to miss class.

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~Lillian

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Heather
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I think you could tell the teacher that and she'd understand. You could also tel her you are already seeing a therapist privately, so you don't need counseling, you just trust and like her so want her support.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ecofem
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Hi Liliamber, just popping by for a second. Those sounds like hard but really good realizations to make. I agree that it's good to reflect upon a relationship after it ended (to a certain extent, like if it feels bad then it may be best to take a break from the analyzing for a bit), although after an abusive relationship like this it can be extra hard. We've given you lots of links before but I'm going to you two big ones again, because I think it'll help reading them at the place you are right now in terms of processing. Of course, if you don't want to or don't feel comfortable doing so, then please take a break from that, too!

Also, to reiterate the point Heather was making about talking to your teacher, which I think is a great idea: as a teacher, you have to refer students to others if it's a dangerous situation or if it would disrupt class, even if the teacher would like to stop everything to talk to you. However, as Heather said, once she knows that you're already getting outside help and just would like to have her as someone you trust and can occasionally share stuff with, that helps her know that you're safe and she's not keeping you from getting help. Also, if she's referring you to the counselor because you're talking to her during class, it's likely because she wants you to get immediate help but can't take the time at that moment. However, if you come by another time where she has the time to focus just on you, like before or after school, she more likely has time to talk. You can always start by asking, "Do you have a second? I'd like to just talk about something quickly." Good luck! [Smile]

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bookwormfairy
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Sure, you can give me the links.

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~Lillian

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Ecofem
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Hey there! Here you go: they're really informative but may be a tough read when things feel so fresh. However, I do think that also provides a good opportunity for reflection. Please let us know what you think. [Smile]

Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
Why I Deeply Dislike Your Older Boyfriend

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bookwormfairy
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Now that I have totally figured things out, he pretty much is the dislikable older boyfriend.

From talking with my therapist on friday, she says he was mentally abusive. I agree with that and to add, he was a little bit verbally abusive.

Here is more on what I figured out.

1. He had his eye on me since I was 8 yrs old, he used to live at my house and always wanted to take me places and wouldn't include my brother.
2. He chose me because I was quiet and isolated.
3. He knew some of the things that my ex boyfriends did to me(abuse) and knew he could have gotten away with anything.

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~Lillian

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Heather
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I'm really glad you're having these epiphanies, Amber.

In terms of your #1, there, there's a term for that, not sure if your therapist talked to you about it yet. Predatory people sometimes do something with children called "grooming." In a word, they try and manipulate them into being the way they want them to be, or teach them to react to them in a certain way, when they don't know what that person's real agenda is. It's particularly insidious behaviour, and a big exploitation that takes serious advantage of a child not having the same information or understanding of people that an adult does. It also often exploits children's innate trust of adults, especially family members.

Based on everything you have posted here and what we know about this guy, I'd agree with the assessments you're making. I hope they're helping you heal, and also hope they're helping you develop more tools to avoid people like this in the future and hear others when they're warning you about people like this better.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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Well court was yesterday, I testified and yes an article about it is in my local newspaper.

I realized that the relationships I had really influenced the way I've thought about things. Such as me thinking that guys want sex and if you don't give it to them then something bad will happen. I always did what these guys told me to do eventhough I didn't want to because I didn't want to get hurt.

For now, I am avoiding men and am putting off getting into a relationship for at least a year.

[ 04-20-2010, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

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~Lillian

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Heather
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Amber: I can't express how proud I am of you. Taking this case to its end took a lot of courage and self-care, and it's wonderful that the charges against your cousin were held.

I know it can feel like a really long road with everything you have been through, but I feel very confident life has some great things in store for you and that we won't be the only ones in your life who are impressed with you. [Smile]

I think your plan, given, is a smart one, and I hope what the next year allows you to do is to explore your own goals and dreams and get started on making them happen!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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I have no idea where to put this at so I'm going to put it here since I just need to talk.

Ok, well to start, I haven't seen my therapist in three weeks and won't be for a while because the company my therapist works for messed up with billing the insurance company. This pissed my mom off and she stopped my counseling.

The thing is I need counseling, I need someone to talk to. Although I think that the therapist I was talking to wasn't really the kind I needed. I liked her and all and it was helping me but I think someone specialized in sexual abuse/trauma would be better. I'm not going to tell my mom that though.

One of my guy friends likes to put his hand on my leg/ thigh, I just freeze up and act like everythings ok. I just can't tell him to take his hand off.

Yesterday one of my brothers friends, one of the guys I did things with 4 yrs ago texted me and asked if I was home. I said yes and asked him why he wanted to know. His reply was you know...wondering if you are still willing.

I knew what he meant by this, he wanted me to do sexual things for him. From everything that happened, I can say no to guys now [Smile] and I replied with No sorry. He didn't text back.

After this I like felt aweful kinda. It's hard to describe, it's like a guilty,ashamed,I want to hurt myself again feeling. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do.

Guys at school annoy me all the time, asking me out eventhough I said no, making sexual jokes,etc. Most people in school are annoying in general. This is the reason why I'm leaving high school early and going to a college in another state.

[ 06-16-2010, 08:57 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

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~Lillian

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Stephanie_1
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Im so sorry things got messed up with your counseling. Have you tried talking to your mom about how important you feel seeing your counselor is, and that you really do need to be talking with her? If not, it may help. Sometimes when were really upset about something being reminded how important it is to someone we care about helps.

Have you tried talking to your friend about how you feel in terms of his hand on your leg when you were alone but he wasnt touching you? You dont even need to explain why, simply that it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable, and youd rather he tough your hand or show his affection for you some other way?

I am really very proud of you that you said no, and feel more confident in doing so now. That really is such a big step, and I hope youre really proud of yourself as well. Per your feelings, theres no reason at all to feel ashamed. Im sorry he didnt react well to your declining being with him like that, but try to look at how much you achieved in doing so. And youll go off to college and become a big success, and really help a lot of people along the way.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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atm1
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Amber,

I'm sorry that you had to stop counseling. Is it possible for *you* to call the counseling practice your self and ask for the name of a counselor that specialized in sexual abuse? Then, do you think your mom would be open to you suggesting a new counselor? If so, you don't have to say why you've chosen that particular one (you can always say something vague such as "I've heard good things..."). You could also call a rape crisis center or even the police to get a list of therapists that frequently deal with sexual abuse survivors. Then, you can cross reference that list with people your insurance will cover.

Can you avoiding sitting or standing next to this guy? Or, is this the type of friend you could talk to when he's *not* touching you? If so, you could simply ask him to not touch you anymore. If he continues, that's a sign that this isn't a guy you should be spending time around.

I'm glad to hear that you were able to say no to this guy. Since I can tell you're really not comfortable with it, I'd suggest you make a mention to your brother that you really don't want his friends coming on to you. Would that work?

Do you think you will hurt yourself, or is it just the desire to coming back?

Hang in there--hopefully you can get into new counseling soon.

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bookwormfairy
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I do have the number of the crime victim advocate that was assigned to me because of what is going on, which is mentioned in the older posts. But I don't want to call her because I would feel like I'm bothering her.

With my brothers friend I have declined him before and he said he understood. I guess I felt ashamed because he brought it up, I just want the things I did back then and other things to be forgotten.

My brothers friends have done these things before and he knows about all of the things his other friends did but not this guy and I don't want to tell him

I don't like talking with my mom. There's just some things that I want to tell her but can't eventhough what I tell her might give her a better understanding about what I'm going through.

It is possible to avoid my friend, I only see him at lunch once every two weeks or so and thats when he puts his hand on my leg. But the thing is, I sorta led him to this I guess. Of course this isn't true but I used to hug him and sit on his lap in the morning a lot.

I don't think I'm going to hurt myself, I'm just thinking about it. My therapist made me throw away my blades, I did that but after a week I got more which I shouldn't have, in a way having them in my room is comforting.

[ 06-16-2010, 10:39 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

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~Lillian

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Stephanie_1
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Do you think you would be okay with getting rid of those blades now? Or having them somewhere that they won't be readily available. Even if you don't think you will, if things get bad they should be right there where you can easily access them, make sense?

Also, I'd try letting this friend know that it makes you uncomfortable now. Because things were different before, it's possible he doesn't think anything of touching your leg. If he doesn't respect that decision then it's time to really consider if he's someone you can trust, make sense?

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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bookwormfairy
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It makes sense, I'll put them in a place where it'd be hard to get them if I need to. But I can't really hurt myself right now, I have interviews to go to and school in the summer.

I'd tell my friend that it makes me uncomfortable.

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~Lillian

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Stephanie_1
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Good luck with the conversation with your friend and especially with the interviews. [Smile]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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bookwormfairy
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The court papers finally arrived. My mom originally wasn't going to let me see them because she says it's none of my business. How is it none of my business when it directly involves me?Eventually I saw them because my mom had troulbe putting the letters back into the envelope.

My mom says she will take care of the papers but there is one thing on there that I want her to mark yes for and that would be to submit a victim impact statement. I already started writing one after the hearing and I just don't know how to tell my mom that I want to submit one.

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~Lillian

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Heather
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This might sound like a stupid question, but can you bring it up? As in something like "Hey Mom, I'd really like to submit a victim impact statement. Can you make sure I can do that?"

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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I don't really want to talk to her though.

I was thinking of calling my crime victim advocate and telling her that I was going to write and quite possibly submit an impact statement.

I still am kinda undecided because if I do submit it then my cousins' lawyer will get a copy of it which will lead to my cousin seeing it.

For some reason I want my cousin to still think I'm on his side and want to keep him out of prison eventhough I'm not.

[ 06-25-2010, 07:35 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

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~Lillian

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Heather
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I think calling your advocate about this is a very good call.

Do you want to talk about why you want your cousin to have that impression, even though it's false? Are you still feeling unsafe?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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No I'm not feeling unsafe it's just that I have this fantasy that after all of this is over he and I can still be friends. This is unlikly though.

Heather it might take me a while to reply, right now there's no power at my house, there is a generator but i don't know how long its going to last.

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~Lillian

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Heather
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No trouble. I'm heading off for the night soon myself.

Per what you said, I do want to pass on some reading to you about those feelings when they are towards someone who has abused you. I probably don't need to tell you that wanting to be friends with someone who abused and exploited you, who lied to you, who manipulated you and the people around you to get what they wanted from you, isn't exactly healthy.

But it is not uncommon, especially when someone was groomed when they were young, which very much seems to have been the case here since you have known this person your whole life. Same goes for when the abuse goes on for a long time.

So, here are a couple links, and then we can talk more over the weekend if you like. I won't be here tomorrow during the day, but otherwise, I'll be around.

http://www.secasa.com.au/index.php/workers/21/54/5
http://www.rainn.org/get-information/effects-of-sexual-assault/stockholm-syndrome
http://www.livescience.com/culture/090831-stockholm-syndrome.html

I do think it's sound to ask yourself why you would want a friend who treated you the way he did. I know feelings aren't always logical, but sometimes applying logic to our feelings can help us understand them better and also recognize when maybe going with our feelings isn't the best thing for us.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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I really don't know why I still want to be friends with him, it's just that he's family. He did treat me kind of nicely except for the fact he used me for sex.

My mom has asked me if I was okay with not seeing a therapist and I said yes but I think that I need to talk to one. How should a start a conversation like that with her?

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~Lillian

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mma
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In my opinion, that breaks all bargains. It's like saying your coworker treated you nicely except when he or she was sexually harassing you. Also, when someone ceases to treat a family member with the decency that even the most distant stranger deserves, that someone forfeits the privilege of familial relationship.

As for telling your mom you think you need to talk to a therapist, you could just say something like, "Mom, I'm feeling really overwhelmed with the stuff that's been happening. I really need some help working through it and it needs to be with a professional therapist." There's no shame in needing help getting through something that nobody should have to get through. It's not your fault that you need help, and of all people your mom should be bending over backwards trying to protect her child and help him/her find healing when s/he is hurting. Any amount of being inconvenienced or whatever that your mom experiences is her problem to deal with. That was part of the deal she signed up for when she took responsibility for the beautiful life that is you. [Smile]

Oh, also, I'm pretty sure that you can contact the DA's office and get put in touch with resources for therapy as a crime victim. They should have a victim/witness coordinator that specializes in this. So you don't even need your mom if she won't cooperate (though of course, if she IS on board, take advantage of all the support you can get-- being a survivor is sometimes a twisty, bumpy road!)

[ 06-26-2010, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: mma ]

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http://www.safeplace.org

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
http://www.ndvh.org

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bookwormfairy
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I was going to call my crime victim advocate and ask about their counseling service and if my mom needed to be involved in that somehow.

I don't really want my mom to know. The reason I was seeing a therapist in the first place was because she thought I had a substance abuse problem which I don't have. I just found this out a week ago. I thought she put me in therapy because of the sexual abuse.

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~Lillian

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mma
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You get to be your own advocate then. [Smile]

Do you want me to help you find resources for survivors of sexual abuse? I'm sure I can find national clearinghouses that can put you in touch with the folks on the ground where you live.

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http://www.safeplace.org

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
http://www.ndvh.org

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bookwormfairy
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Sure thanks.

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~Lillian

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mma
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Probably the place to start, aside from the DA's office, would be RAINN, at 1.800.656.HOPE.
http://centers.rainn.org/ will also allow you to look for a local counseling resource. I don't know exactly where you are (and you probably shouldn't share that online), so I'm afraid I couldn't get more specific than that.

Hope that helps. Be well.

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http://www.safeplace.org

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
http://www.ndvh.org

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bookwormfairy
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Thanks, the place that came up was the one my victim advocate works at, lol.

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~Lillian

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Heather
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I also want to add that if HE is family, so are you. And I don't see that he treated you like family at all: in fact, he stepped all over all the boundaries healthy families should have to manipulate you and others to get what he wanted.

Having listened to all you said through your history here about what went on, I'd disagree he was nice to you. Given the nature of the charges against him, I'd also say it's pretty clear this isn't a safe person or what appears to be a nice person.

Mind, I don't expect you to get to that right away. As was explained in parts of those links, and as I said earlier, when someone is treated the way you were from a young age by someone they thought they could trust, what you learn about what is safe and loving is going to be pretty backwards -- because an abuser needs to teach backwards things, otherwise you'd not have complied -- and takes some time to unlearn and then learn what IS loving and safe.

I'm glad you're going to pursue counseling expressly around this: this is something a good sexual abuse counselor can help you out with a lot.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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I'm finally dome my VIS. My victim advocate called me this morning but it was when my parents were home so I told her I'd call her back. When I called her back though,using their 24 hr hotline and it went through the centers answering system and the person that answered was rude. I asked to be connected with my advocate and the person said that it was after business hrs. [Confused]

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~Lillian

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Heather
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Sorry it worked out that way. But since it's the weekend, you can likely just call her first thing Monday morning and get in touch with her.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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So now I think I'm starting to get flashbacks. For a couple of nights now, I've been dreaming about him and I having sex and everything is exactly the same as when it occured at one point. But then the situation chages,he pulls out a gun and tries to kill me and thats when I wake up. It's like a flashback mixed with just a bad dream.

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~Lillian

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Djuna
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Hi there Liliamber! I've been reading through this for the last couple days, and it certainly seems like you're having a rough evening, so I thought I'd say hi.

From what I can see, it seems like you've had to deal with a time more difficult than I can imagine, and you've been really strong and positive in doing so - I want to applaud that. Awesome. [Smile]

As for these flashbacks, is there anything we can do this evening to help you feel safer? I don't want to go into asking about them if you don't feel comfortable with that, but if you want to, I'm going to be online for the next few hours. Also, do you know any of the crisis telephone numbers for in your area? They're often well worth a call at these sorts of times - if you'd like I'm happy to find numbers of some good ones for you.

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In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I dont know what I am. I dont know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.

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bookwormfairy
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There's only one in my area and sometimes it goes to their answering service after hours eventhough I call the 24hr number. There's always RAINN but sometimes it's hard to get connected to their online hotline at certain times.

I feel safe it is just that I'm shocked I guess since I've never had flashbacks or any symptoms of trauma until now, besides the SI that I used to do.

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~Lillian

Posts: 263 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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