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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Just need someone to talk to (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Just need someone to talk to
bookwormfairy
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As some of you know, I was involved with guy who is 11 yrs older than me. My mom found out about our relationship and reported him. Tomorrow, I have to go see the judge.

Through out the investigation, I found out things about him. I found out that he abuses his girlfriend. I also found out he is 28yrs old not 27yrs old.

I wish no one found out about us. I feel guilty and have anxiety over this. He could spend up to 65 yrs in prison because of this and other things. He has a son to take care of,I didn't want to break his family apart.

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~Lillian

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Ecofem
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Hey Liliamber, it's good to hear from you!! [Smile]

I am sorry you're feeling so anxious over this-- I can imagine how you can feel that but I assure you that NONE of this is your fault: he's an adult who chose to seek out minors to date when it's illegal and it's been his choice (very wrongly so) to abuse his girlfriend. Please, please, please do not feel guilt because, again, you did nothing wrong! I understand why you're thinking of his family, especially his son, but he's abusing his family right now and getting him away from them and into treatment is going to actually help his family, too. I can understand how you could wish it stayed secret but I really think things are best this way: maybe not now because it's really, really hard but in the long-run.

When you see the judge, just be honest: technically, you have to because it's a court of law, but you're not the one in charge of his verdict: you're just reporting true events and it's up for the judge (jury?) to decide.

How are you doing in general, btw?

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Heather
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I'm glad to hear from you as well.

I hope that you can recognize that one of the big things about a relationship that happens between a much-older adult and a much-younger person is that that person is in a much better position to make their own best choices than the younger person most of the time.

You didn't do any of this by yourself: he made his own choices, choices he's likely way better equipped to make than you are. He certainly knew the risks he was taking, and he chose to take them. If anyone has messed up his family, it was him, not you.

So, when you're talking to the judge, just like anytime you'd talk to a judge, all you need to do is tell the truth, like Lena mentioned. And legally, you have to do that: I hope you're not thinking about lying for him, but if you are, I'd strongly encourage you not to break the law by doing that, okay?

I know having this reported is rough, but I'm actually very relieved that someone did report this, for all the reasons I've offered to report this for you in the past. While going through a court case of any kind is never fun, especially one about your personal life, I think in the long run, it's much better for you that this was reported.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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I'm doing ok. I don't feel like doing anything anymore, I have to force myself to do my school work.

I've stopped hurting myself, although right now, I really want to.But I've stopped for two reasons, a)the last time I talked to him, he said that he wants me to be happy and to stop cutting and starving myself b)I'm seeing a psycologist

My friends recently kicked me out of their group. I don't mind this though, they weren't really my friends.

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~Lillian

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Ecofem
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Hey, good to hear from you so quickly again. [Smile] I understand how it can be really hard to do stuff after a breakup, especially when outside people/forces got involved, but I'm glad you're trying to make yourself do your school work. That's a really good thing even if it's, well, forced for now.

I'm so happy to hear that you've stopped hurting yourself. I'm glad his message helped you stick to this path as well as I'm glad you're seeing a psychologist. How's that for you?

That sucks that your friends reacted the way they did but I'd agree that they weren't true friends, so it's probably for the best long term. And, hey, you can now find good friends, so it's like a blessing in disguise.

It sounds like you're just going through a really hard time right now, and I can understand that. I wish I could do something to help make you start feeling better and seeing that things WILL get better: what about starting to do some "fun" stuff for you, too, like getting some new library books or planning something small but special to look forward to on the weekend? [Smile]

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bookwormfairy
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I like talking to the psycologist, I'll be seeing her again this friday. My mom randomly decided to get my brother and I pets so now I have a cat.

I am also currently helping my niece with her problems, she too self harms. I am worried for her, she is only 11yrs old.

[ 03-22-2010, 05:18 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

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~Lillian

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Ecofem
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I'm glad you like talking to the psychologist: I think it's nice to have someone non-judgemental listen to you who is there just to listen and help, too! Do you like having a cat? I may get a dog in the near future (I know someone who does chihuahua rescue and I'm on the list of possible homes-- this is really exciting to me.) I'm glad you are helping your niece but I can imagine it being hard! Have you told another adult about that yet? I think you could really support her a lot but having that backup would be important.
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bookwormfairy
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I like having my cat, my brother got a dog and we're trying to keep them seperated for now. My nieces' mom knows about it. Of course, I'm not her only source of help, she talks to her school guidance counseler two times a week and is about to see a psycologist soon.

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~Lillian

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Ecofem
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This sounds really positive. [Smile] I'm so glad that you are part of her support team: you sound like a great cousin! What advice would you give to people who were in the same boat as your cousin? Would you like to share that here, like what you think works and doesn't work in terms of supporting those who self-injure?

And good luck with your pets!

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bookwormfairy
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I think that people who are supporting those that self injure should be patient. They should tell them to stop and that they are worried, eventhough the person that self injures doesn't want to hear it.

Btw, my view of my older cousin has changed. I used to think that he was just a misunderstood guy but now he is just plain bad I actually want him to be in prison now. I thought I was his first underaged girl but now I beleive I am like his 10th because he has told me that he used to date some of the daughters of my moms clients. Those girls are now between 18-20yrs old but they were probably beween 15-16yrs old when he dated them.

[ 03-25-2010, 03:29 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

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~Lillian

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Heather
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Amber: I'm really relieved to hear that you're cultivating some anger about someone who I very strongly had the feeling, as I expressed to you before, was exploiting and manipulating you.

I hope you can also appreciate that if you're right, and he has a history of having sex with very young women and potentially exploiting them the same way, that you going through your court case as you are not only has the power to empower you, but also do potentially protect other girls, which is truly fantastic.

Are you still talking with him, by the way? If so, is that something your lawyer has okayed and knows about?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ecofem
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Hi Liliamber! I think that's good and helpful advice for people supporting those who self-injure: I'll keep it in mind while advising people on the boards. [Smile]

Like Heather said, I'm also glad that you are feeling the way you do right now about your cousin: anger can be really empowering, and I'm glad that you can also see how you can help prevent him from hurting others, which is also a powerful thing. [Smile]

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bookwormfairy
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I haven't talked to him since the beginning of this month. I am not allowed to speak to him, he is already jail, anyway. The court date was set for last tues. as I last mentioned but he asked for a continuence so that he can get his own private lawyer. So now, I don't know when the new court date is.

I also found out that the case made front page headlines in my local newspaper about his arrest last weds. If you are interested in reading it, it is titled,"Man Jailed in Teen Sex Case", just type it into google.

[ 03-25-2010, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

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~Lillian

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Heather
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Oh, wow, Amber. Media coverage of something so personal can be tough: are you doing okay with that? I know you'd said in the past that you already felt very exposed from people finding out about previous trauma of yours before.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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By the way, reading that and also seeing the weapons and ammunition in his house, there aren't words to express how relieved I am that you're safe.

One thing I really hope you can take away from this for your future safety, Amber, is to hopefully trust a bit more when others tell you something sounds dangerous. I feel like you are very lucky your mother reported: if she hadn't, beyond being exploited, you could have been very seriously harmed here. I don't mean to lecture you at all, but might you consider from here on out putting some extra credence in others suggesting someone isn't safe per their view who you don't see as unsafe yourself? I just want to make sure that from here on out, you're at lot safer than you have been.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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I am fine with it, only his name is mentioned in it. My mom made it clear to the police that if there was media coverage on it then my name, her name and the shop she owned should not be included. Most of my teachers know about it though. Yes, now I see that it is good to listen to what other people say instead of just doing what I think is right.

[ 03-25-2010, 04:40 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

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~Lillian

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Heather
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It's actually not legal in the United States for media to show a rape victim's name or face.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ally17
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i know how how you feel i had to have my dad put away for sexually molesting me in my sleep it went on for a while but i was so scared to say anything but then i thought what if he did it to someone else. i was so confused i was sad he was going away but also glad he got like 12 or 15 years in prision plus counsling i really do think what your doing is fopr the best hopefully you get through it ok and if you need to talk im here and so arent the others

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11-20-09 james tyler mommy loves you

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Ecofem
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[Hey Ally, thanks so much for sharing, and I'm so glad that you are feeling empowered about it. [Smile] ]

How are you doing today, Liliamber?

[ 03-26-2010, 11:08 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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bookwormfairy
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I'm doing fine, I saw my therapist yesterday. I'm considering e-mailing the asst. DA about figuring out that I'm not his only victim but I don't want to complicate it even more.

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~Lillian

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Ecofem
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Hey there! I'm glad to hear you're doing fine. [Smile] I would recommend emailing the assistant DA about this: it's really something that could only help, and it's up to them rather than you to decide how they want to deal with the information. Plus, there's also the legal issue of obstructing justice in terms of withholding information. Now I'm not sure if that would apply to this particular detail, but I say go for it. They want to help you and you want to help them do what it takes to keep other girls/women safe. If you want to write a draft here (like without names), we'd be glad to give you some feedback on it.
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bookwormfairy
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Sure, I'll like some feedback.

Dear Asst. DA.

Hi, my name is Amber. We met each other last Tues. at the police station. I would like to inform you that I have figured out that I am not his first underaged victim. I went over past conversations with him and figured out that he used to date the daughters of my mom's clients, 3-4 yrs ago who are now currently between the ages of 18 and 20. With this discovery, my views have changed; I now want him to be in prison and beleive what he did to the other girls was wrong. Also, in a way, I think he manipulated me. Please e-mail me back if you have any questions. Thanks.

[ 03-27-2010, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

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~Lillian

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Ecofem
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Liliamber, that looks EXCELLENT: it's well-written in that it's to the point with good grammar and good form. You did a good job of stating the facts. I see one spelling thing: "believe" is spelling with the "i" before the "e" but it's really no big deal. I say it's ready to send as is! [Smile]
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bookwormfairy
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I just sent the e-mail. This is what I wrote.

Dear Asst. DA,

Hi, my name is Amber. We met each other last Tues. at the police station. I would like to inform you that I have figured out that I might not be his first underaged victim. I went over past conversations with him and figured out that he used to date the daughters of my mom's clients, 3-4 yrs ago, who are now currently between the ages of 18 and 20. With this discovery, my views have changed; I now want him to be in prison and believe what he did to the other girls was wrong. Also, in a way, I think he manipulated me. Please e-mail me back if you have any questions. You can directly reply to this e-mail or at my other e-mail. Thanks.

P.S. My mom does not know that I am sending you this, but I have talked to other adults and they say that I should give you this information. This is my more private e-mail account. I am not sure if you know I have this account; in the past, I have used this account to e-mail him. Sorry if this complicates things.

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~Lillian

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Ecofem
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That looks good, Liliamber, and it's brave and very positive of you to have sent it. [Smile] I hope they respond soon in a helpful way. It's hard, for sure, but that's not your doing. Hang in there!
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Ecofem
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Hey Liliamber, I just wanted to say hi and ask how you were doing this week. Do you have Spring Break coming up soon? [Smile]
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bookwormfairy
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I'm doing good. I'm actually on spring break now. The asst. DA resonded back and hopefully there will be a follow-up interview sometime this week.

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~Lillian

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bookwormfairy
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Ugh, it's thurs. and so far no one has called to set up the follow-up interview. I'm hoping by tomorrow someone will call; I want to get this over with before school starts again.

[ 04-01-2010, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: bookwormfairy ]

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~Lillian

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Ecofem
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Hey there! Yeah, I'm sorry they haven't called yet! However, maybe they're still looking into things? If no one calls by tomorrow, you can always call yourself if you want.

What have you been doing on your break? Have you read any books? Enjoyed the warm weather outside? Gone for a walk with your cat (well, maybe your brother's dog [Wink] )?

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bookwormfairy
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I just finished walking my brother's dog. Mostly I'm doing school work and the weather is awesome. [Smile]

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~Lillian

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Heather
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Just FYI, Amber, in the communication the police have had with me, I offered to add a letter to advocate for you. They said they'll keep in touch with me about it.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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I didn't know the police had communication with you. Thanks for telling me that. What would the letter be about?

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~Lillian

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Heather
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They did, they contacted me. If you want to talk in more detail about this with me, though, since you have an impending court case, it would probably best to do that via email for your own protection/privacy.

You're welcome to do that here: http://www.scarleteen.com/contact

Emails sent through that form go right to my inbox.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bookwormfairy
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Throughout the past week, I've figured out many things. After my relationships end, I always analyze them and this is what I've concluded about the relationship with my cousin and about myself.

1. He manipulated me.
2. I pretty much let him do whatever he wanted because I didn't want to get him mad.
3. He is as bad as the other guys I've been with.(They used me and some of them abused me)
4. Half of my problems started because of my relationship with him.(Cutting and starving myself)

There's probably more than this but I can't think of them right now. I almost had another emotional meltdown thinking of this yesterday.

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~Lillian

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Heather
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Amber: I know getting to the truth of abusive/manipulative relationships is really hard, but I'm glad to hear you're having these realizations.

Do you have people you can turn to for support in this? A counselor, that teacher you had mentioned back when you trust a lot, friends?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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