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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » im not sopose to be having sex, my religion,family traditions&culture doesnt allow it

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Author Topic: im not sopose to be having sex, my religion,family traditions&culture doesnt allow it
Member # 45977

Icon 11 posted      Profile for MaddieCakes93     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey , Well im 16 & my name's Maddie. Im from a country were culture, family traditions and religion does not allow you to have sex before marrige, if you do have sex then your doomed because your husband is going to find out the night of your wedding that you're not a virgin when he has sex with you and leave you. I unfortunetly am stuck in this culture and im living here in New York, I came here when i was 9 and now that im in highschool and secretly dateing someone , I had sex and now that i realize that my parents would totally dissown me and be so embarased if i ever told them that i didnt want to marrie someone from our country with our culture. Im just worried that if me and my now boyfriend do break up , and I accept someones offer to marrie me from my own culture will they actually find out that im not a virgin? I am so worried and this is always in my thought. I love my boyfriend and im 100% comfortable with him, but I dont know if i could be forever with him because its not a relationship were im like "i cant live without you , im gonna run away if they dont let us get married. " please help and give me some advice!

~ Be YOU ~

Posts: 3 | From: New York | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 13388

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ecofem     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi Maddie!

I'm sorry to hear you're in a difficult situation right now. It's really tricky when you're expected to do one thing and follow a certain set of values/expectations when you feel differently. We support your choosing what's right for you; however, we also don't want you to get in trouble or feel bad about having sex.

You just can't tell if someone's had sex before by examining them; in fact, the whole concept of virginity is social rather than medical. You don't have to plan for the future right now, but I would perhaps reconsider participating in sexual activities when you think you could be disowned. What are you planning on doing after you graduate from high school?

Here are some articles and advice pieces for starters. There are a bunch but your question addresses many things, so I think the more of these you read, the more it'll help you reflect on you situation and do what feels right to you (or at least get started on that path!) [Smile]

Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
20 Questions About Virginity: Scarleteen Interviews Hanne Blank
Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For
It's a Vagina, Not a Crystal Ball
Safer Sex...for Your Heart
To Be... AWESOME or Just Be Tips on Making the Most of Your Life Right Now!

Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
Also, would you be comfortable to tell us which country you are originally from or which culture you belong to? Often there are local girls/womens support organizations which are specific for women from Africa or Asia, for example, who are living abroad. They would be very familiar with counselling women who are going through these issues.

"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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