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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » I feel like a train wreck

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Author Topic: I feel like a train wreck
cecilia mae
unregistered


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I was always an outsider, and i've kept a really tight knit group of friends my entire life. I had a hard time opening up to anyone else, and am incredibly shy. Three years ago, I met this amazing guy. I was 16, and he was 2 years older. We became fast friends, and for the first time ever, I felt comfortable in my own skin. 1 year later, i realized i might want to be more than friends. He was everything a girl wants; he was always very respectful and understanding. We have many things in common, love of sport, monty python, and we're both buddhists. If that wasn't enough, he's also incredibly handsome. Last valentine's day, he kissed me for the first time. We were both incredibly happy, and after a lot of discussion and preparation, he was my first time. I loved him more than anything in the world.

He began to really open up to me about his childhood. His father is bipolar, and physically abused his mother, himself and his younger brother. He was sexually abused by his teacher in grade 4 during afterschool study.(he did the rest of his schooling through corespondance). He revealed to me that he was also clinically bipolar, and controlled his feelings through meditation.

In May i started to spend weekends living at his house so we could adjust living together. We planned on renting an apartment in vancouver when we left for colledge in september. This made me a bit nervous, but he was the love of my life, so what could go wrong?

June i notidced a small spot on his back had gotten considerably larger. It took a lot of convincing but i got him to book an appointment, it was skin cancer. His entire body, anywhere there were spots is prone if exposed to sunlight. School, the move, and now cancer, he became very stressed out and had a hard time making room for himself. For the first time ever, his bipolar tendancies would flare up, over little things.
Example; he was feeling tired one friday after work and said he was going to go lie down for a while. He asked if i could start dinner. The chicken he'd left out was a week past expiry, so i threw it out and decided to make pasta instead. When he woke up, he was furious with me for wasting it since we dont have a lot of money to burn. He hits the gym 5 times a week and is a lot stronger than i am. He gripped me by the forarms and shook me roughly. The pot i was holding fell out of my hands spewing pasta everywhere, and he yelled while i cried. Then suddenly he stopped and said very quietly "I'm so sorry, I didnt mean...anything I just said". He cradled me in his arms and told me he loved me over and over and he took me out for dinner that night.

This kind of thing began happening more and more frequently. At the beginning of august, he broke it off. He said, he felt like a monster, and couldnt bear watching what he was doing to me. I was crushed, we'd talked about graduating medical school together, and buying a house and a sailboat and having children. I instantly fell into a deep depression and began to abuse alcohol. I develpoed 'anorexia athletica'. I got myself into some very scary situations. I was gang-raped, beaten and cut up with bottles one september night. He is absoulutely the love of my life, i know this in my heart of hearts. Happiness to me, means nothing unless shared, and i don't want anyone else. So does that mean, I'm unhappy forever? Will someone please shed some light, and give me hope?

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orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

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Hi cecilia mae. I'm sorry you had to wait for a response.

Have you gotten any help for the gang-rape, depression, or alcohol abuse? Here's the number for a rape crisis hotline in Canada: 1-877-392-7583. You can also call RAINN (the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). There's also a domestic violence shelter in Vancouver that you can reach at 1-604-872-8212. The rape crisis hotline should also be able to help you find some local resources for counseling and help with depression, as well as help for alcohol abuse. You can also call Alcoholics Anonymous in the Vancouver area at 1-604-434-3933, or go to their website to find a meeting near you.

Do you have a safe place to stay now? Family or friends to live with? I would focus on getting yourself to a safe place and getting some help for everything that's been going on lately. To be honest, it's probably best that you are not in a romantic relationship with this person anymore. Whatever the reason, he did abuse you and in a pretty violent way. That means that he is not a safe partner. Whether the abuse happened because of his bipolar disorder or because he was stressed, it doesn't matter. The fact is that he did abuse you and there's never any excuse for abuse.

I understand being afraid you won't be happy again, but in time and with support and help, you will feel differently. Happiness is something we have to create for ourselves, not because we are with a certain person. Yes, it is nice to share happiness with someone else, but it doesn't have to be him. You can find many people to share that happiness with, including friends, family, and even pets. Those dreams you had of medical school, a house, a sailboat, and children, is there any reason you can't still pursue those dreams, just with a different partner later on down the road when you are feeling better?

What can we help you with here? What would you like to talk about?

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Hey Cecilia mae,

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time at the moment, it sounds like you really need to start putting some energy back into YOU. I agree with orca, you need to focus on keeping yourself out of harms way and on what makes you happy right now, get some good people behind you, get some help, and things will start to get easier. I completely understand how fast things can spiral out of control and how hard it feel's to have to crawl your way out of it, but you can, and we are here to help, too.

It also sounds like the break up may have been a blessing in disguise, I'm sorry to say that, and I know it does not feel that way to you right now, but whether or not he was having a hard time there is never ever a reason to act in an abusive way toward someone, and it is not a healthy situation for you to be in. I know itís hard to see the light when you are so down but really if you put your energy into the right areas things do get a lot better, and at this stage you can't heal from all of this unless you really put that energy into your own wellbeing.

I hope I am not being too harsh, I have been there too, and I know itís hard. Hang in there, and be good to yourself right now. You can do it.

Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cecilia mae
unregistered


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Hey, thanks for responding. I've never really looked for help because somehow, it never really bothered me. At least, I dont feel like it did. If i'm out with friends and there are a lot more guys than girls i get uncomfortable. But i dont go anywhere without a friend with me anymore. Certainly not to a stranger's house. I have worse physical scars than emotional ones.

I am staying with family, in my parents' suite. I decided to put off school for another year, and work and try to figure this all out. I want to walk in with a clear head, and be able to focus on my studies.

Drinking is a problem, i dont go a day without alcohol, but i'm not drunk every day, usually just hard liquor to help me sleep. Which is better than it was i guess. More so its the fact that i eat very little (less than 550 calories a day) and excercise the same amount i used to, my doc recommended about 3300 calories a day for what i do. 4 months ago i weighed 142lbs at 5'8". I now weigh 108.

I have no realationship with that man anymore. I begged him to be friends, but it wasn't working out for either of us. I want to be with him. Think about him all day everyday. I've tried everything i can think of to let go, and i can't, but it keeps dragging me down. Some of my 'friends' have left me, becasue i'm a different person.

I am depressed, some days its worse than others, the thoughts of suicide are occuring less. I know i would never kill myself. So i guess this all kinda sounds like, hey, its not so bad, you're getting better. But the thing is that ultimately i'm not. The world is not as shiny and bright as i thought it was. People are getting tired of me, because i'm often pessimistic. I used to be the life of the party, and now i sweat in groups of people. I do create my own happiness, i'm greatful for having life each day. But i no longer feel a purpose if you know what i mean. I just dont want anyone else, and maybe i'll just be lonely and live with it. I just, dont know what to do.

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eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

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Hi Cecilia mae,

Hopefully you don't mind if I add some thoughts as well [Smile] .

I'm sorry to hear that you've been through so much, just over the last 3 years. I think you're an incredibly strong person to have kept going with what sounds like very little support.

You mentioned that you had a tight knit group of friends. Have you been able to talk with them about all this? It sounds like a really good strategy that you go out with friends rather than alone, if that makes you feel safer. Also, how do you find it living with your family? I hope that it's a sensitive and caring environment for you to heal.

You say that it never really bothered you. And yet you seem to be hurting in alot of ways. And you're also asking for help to find hope again. The issues you're dealing with- being gang-raped, eating difficulties, depression, needing alcohol to sleep- they're problems that any of us would need professional help and therapy to heal from. You deserve that help and you deserve to feel good again. Orca gave you some great links to start with and you could also talk with your doctor if you feel comfortable with that. Its important to get some help sooner rather than later, particularly with the eating, so that you can get some adequate nourishment into you. Were you able to get checked by a gynecologist after the rape? Thats also important if you haven't already done that. The rape crisis hotline will be able to direct you to a good healthcare provider.

I can hear that you think about him all the time and still want to be with him. But as the others have said, he was abusive towards you, for whatever reason. Abuse and violence are never loving and you so deserve a relationship free of that.

Please reach out for the help that you need and take good care of yourself. You've been so strong until now and I'm sure that you will get the happiness and purpose back in your life in time, with the right support.

[ 01-03-2010, 04:22 AM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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