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Author Topic: I'm Scared.
Bragorien
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Please don't think I am being melodramatic about this, I know people do it worse than I do, but its something that I just don't know how to deal with at the moment.
I started self harming in a previous relationship. i used to do it out of nerves, I would start scrathing with my nail on the back of my hand back and forth back and forth, out of nervousness or anxiety. I only realised and stopped when i'd made my hand bleed. I'd then obsessively scratch at the area. I told friends I'd burnt myself an things, but I did it like four times to the same hand.

After that I stopped hurting myself for a while, unti the messy break up of that relationship, when I found myself doing the same thing, this time on the back of my arm.
Now of late I've been having a bit of a rough patch. There has been a lot of school and peer pressure, among other things. Also, my cousin (who was only in her twenties) was killed in a car accident, and I found my family pet dead. I was scratching at my inner wrist with things like wires and occasionally scissors now, and had been for a couple of weeks. I realized what i was doing and tried to stop myself, but then my cousin and everything happened and i fell back to doing it again, this time with a piece of broken mirror.
My boyfriend found out and was horrified and I promised I'd try and stop. I didn't do it for a whole week, but then today was my cousins funeral, and I got home completely broken down again and turned to the scissors. now everytime i scratch it is reopening the old scratches so it bleeds first time.
I am scared that my boyfriend will leave me because i failed to stop for him. I just need more time, I need help but none of my friends know or understand. I just can't take things any more at the moment. I tried replacing cutting with smoking, but i can't get hold of cigarettes even when i want them, so i couldn't like, switch my obsession.
I feel like I'm not myself when I do it. Does anyone else feel this way? I don't think about it, and then by the time I realize what I'm doing its over and I hate myself more all over again. Probably after this ill end up finding a way to stop, but I am really scared of the consequences of all of this, and im not sure what to do.

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"I made a resolution: Dance, like nobody's watching. Which I do... with the curtains closed - in case anybody's watching!"

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Heather
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Please know that we don't ever compare one person's worries or trauma to another's here: how any of this impacts each of us is so individual, we can never figure that one problem is automatically worse than other, okay? [Smile]

I'm sorry things have been so rough for you lately, and sorry about your cousin and your pet.

I think the best way to come at this is to put you first. In other words, let's try not to worry about your boyfriend leaving you: whether he leaves or stays, after all, you're still in distress and still having trouble with self-harm.

Have you yet been able to talk to your doctor or a counselor about this?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bragorien
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No, I don't have one. BUt its like, its not major I just don't want it to escalate and i want to find a way to stop letting life get to me so much. Cause like, its just trying to get out of my head for a bit cause in my head its so shitty.
I spend my life sorting out everyone elses problems and no-one notices or gives a s**t when I am hurting.
Well, except scarleteen, you guys help. A lot.

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"I made a resolution: Dance, like nobody's watching. Which I do... with the curtains closed - in case anybody's watching!"

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Heather
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It's major for you.

In general, the reason any of us seek out counseling is when we feel like we need help handling something. Really, it's usually just that simple, and that something can be things like death or loss, self-harm or abuse or a life or job transition.

A counselor can also be someone who, without fail, will give a damn when you're hurting.

So, up to seeking this out?

As well, if you find that the people around you keep asking for your help, but aren't responsive to you when you need help, as much as it can feel crappy to do at first, you may need to be more assertive and say, out loud, something like, "I feel like I'm there for you to help and support you, and I really need you to do the same for me right now. I'm hurting and I need hep and support."

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bragorien
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Heather, you are very wise. (:

I think when I go back to school I will try and get a counselor. But, will my parents find out? Or am I allowed to ask for it to be completely confidential?

THey don't know anything about any of it - They aren't very observant. Thank god. They'd like, send me to boarding school... or something.

And thankyou Heather. This is really really helping a lot. Cause I like, needed to like, be told its okay to need help I suppose. But.. yes..

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"I made a resolution: Dance, like nobody's watching. Which I do... with the curtains closed - in case anybody's watching!"

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Heather
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What you can do is just ask what your school counselor's policies are when it comes to your confidentiality. You can find those out in advance to be sure this will be a workable way for you to get counseling. Okay?

Can we help you any more in the meantime?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bragorien
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Well, I had a chat with like, and outside friend of mine, who is kind of outside of the situation which made it easier. And like the combination of here and him has made it all a bit more in focus.
I think sometimes it just all gets too much and I needed a voice of reason. So thank you Heather. If i have to like, come back to this can I just reply again to this topic or do I have to start a new one?
THank you. x

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"I made a resolution: Dance, like nobody's watching. Which I do... with the curtains closed - in case anybody's watching!"

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Heather
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That's great you reached out like that and got a supportive response. [Smile]

By all means, feel free to come back to this topic whenever you like.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bragorien
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I chose a good time to get over this! Christmas is stressful, but everyone is happy, I'm doing what people have advised, and channeling negative things into positive, so like, when i get down i've been doing schoolwork or playing music. It's actually really useful, and i never thought that it would work as a concept.
Also, my friend who supplies me with cigarettes has become more that just a "social smoker" so, we talked it out, and we are both quitting. The festive season seems good for this, as I'm with my family all the time, so I cannot smoke. We are supporting each other, at this rate by new year I'll be a new person! [Big Grin]
Basically, I have not cut myself for a week, and I'm proud! I know it might sound bigheaded, but its just really cool to feel like your life is looking up again, which is awesome. Just gotta keep it up I guess, but I have come clean about what was going on to my friends (who didn't know) they were pretty shocked, but they are now helping me get over it too. So I don't feel so alone anymore. So, thankyou very much scarleteen, cause like, things are looking up at last! [Big Grin] [Big Grin]

MErry Christmas to everyone!
xxx

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"I made a resolution: Dance, like nobody's watching. Which I do... with the curtains closed - in case anybody's watching!"

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Heather
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There's nothing bigheaded about taking care of yourself, feeling optimistic about your life, getting support or changing your headspace or habits so you're happier. [Smile]

So, so glad to hear all of this.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bragorien
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I know it doesn't really mater anymore, but, I was reading through this again, just thinking about things.

After Christmas I went right back to it, but less. Then -- I don't know why, everything just felt like it was falling down on me and I couldn't pick myself up any more. My best friend got diagnosed with Depression, when she seemed fine, and I had a ton of exams happening.

I guess I kinda of relapsed back into it. And this one night, I tried to kill myself, but someone walked in before I could do it, and then they said I looked ill. And evryone was drunk there so I (god knows why) decided to drink until I couldn't feel anymore.
Woke up next to some randomer from the party, nearly lost my boyfriend- the only person who has stuck by me through this, I think - and it got worse. I was onto like knives and things by now, and it was a few weeks after the night that I just had to stop. People were noticing and it was embarrassing and horrible. I guess I kind of realised what was going on... It was like taking off sunglasses, suddenly you see whats been happening and things...

So since then I have taken all blades away from myself, I threw out anything that I used to use to harm myself and I'm trying really hard.

I think I have been two months now without one cut. So I am pretty happy with that...

Its really starnge though, becuase I really miss it. But I'm trying, again, to get through it. THe thing is, it was a combination of cutting mixed with Everything that led me to end up nearly losing my boyfriend.. and I never want to go back to that place. It's so out of control, and I still feel a deep self loathing and hatred for everything I did that night. I'm not going bakc tehre again, finegrs crossed.

I think I needed to type that, just so its recorded somewhere so I can read it in the future. Sorry if its a bit spammy.

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"I made a resolution: Dance, like nobody's watching. Which I do... with the curtains closed - in case anybody's watching!"

Posts: 74 | From: UK | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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