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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » its just never going to happen

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Author Topic: its just never going to happen
Member # 42748

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I'm about to end my college career, yet I have never had a girlfriend. Its just so hard to date; the closest I have ever been to a relationship was not the best of situations, and most girls just seem to blow me off. I don't have a lot of problems talking to girls, so my friends don't think I have a problem with dating, and I'm just too embarrassed by my lack of experience. Meeting girls has been hard enough in college, and I'm going to work in law enforcement in the boonies, and I'm afraid its just going to get harder.

I've just lost all hope, and wanted to vent.

Posts: 3 | From: WI | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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If it helps, in my personal life I have dated more than one person who had not had previous partners and was older than you. One of those people I can think of was 27, the other 31. It happens, and usually far more frequently than people in that position think, I promise. And not having had sexual experiences or relationships at any age isn't something anyone needs to be embarrassed about: these are life experiences, not status symbols, and all our life experiences, as people, vary.

There are women in "the boonies" just like there are women in cities. Moving somewhere more rural or remote may make your dating pool smaller, but it doesn't make it non-existent.

So, do you want to talk out what you feel like your challenges have been? Or talk about any helps you feel you might need?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 42748

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I'm sorry if thisn't articulated in the best way, I'm just really upset right now, and I'm really used to bottling up these feelings.

I feel like many people seem to assume its just as simple as meeting someone and then you're dating, while I have not found that to be true at all. I've often met people and felt like it went really well, only to have them avoid me, even though I thought everything was going well.
I wonder if, due to my inexperience, I take things too slow; I feel like its expected to move right to things like kissing really quickly when I'm not totally comfortable with it, and then having them assume that I'm not interested. I feel anxious because I feel I have to take the lead, but I don't have the confidence or the knowledge to do so.

I'm worried about finding people because finding people was a lot easier for me in high school, and has gotten harder as time goes on. I've met a large portion of the girls I've met through school and work; I won't have school anymore and I'm going into a profession that is over 90 percent male. While I'm certainly excited about my career choice and want to work in a rural area, I can't shake the thought that this will have a negative effect on my love life that is already in the dumps.

Posts: 3 | From: WI | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 35643

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I think its really good that you could talk about this here instead of bottling it up. Did anything happen recently that made you particularly upset about this right now?

You mentioned that you don't have alot of problems talking to girls, which sounds like a great start to dating. It's not uncommon that two people can have really different perceptions about how a date went, as well. Were you ever able to ask the girl about it or tell her that you felt it went really well and wanted to see her again? While it's not always an easy discussion, its kind of the only way for both of you to be on the same page about what happened.

Its also very reasonable and a good idea to take things at a pace that you're comfortable with. If the other person has different expectations, it just means that you might be incompatible in that respect, not that there's anything wrong with you. There can be alot of pressure on guys to 'take the lead' for sure. But that doesn't mean everyone's relationships are like that. And if you really want to take the lead at that moment, I think the confidence will come when you're with someone you feel more comfortable with.

I agree that it can be harder to meet people in rural places, but there's always more than one way to try. What do you think about meeting women through social/interest/sporting groups or over the internet?

(I can relate a little to your situation as I'm in my mid-20's and also haven't yet been in a relationship. I find it really frustrating sometimes too).

"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 42748

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I usually feel this way when things are changing, like at the start or end of school or if I get a new job; both of which are happening now. I think a lot of what makes it more acute is the fact that I had far more dating opportunities when I was in high school than I do now, and I feel like it will just get smaller still.

I feel like I just can't do it. I always worry about making some mistake and completely blowing my chances. I feel like a small, naive child trying to make it in an adult world where everyone knows what to do and what to say, and I'm just completely lost.

Posts: 3 | From: WI | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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