posted
I've been really depressed and I fall asleep crying and thinking how I ought to commit suicide because I'm a bad person and don't deserve to live and the world would be a better place if I wasn't in it taking up resources, I always have these thoughts that say I have prejudices that I know I don't, that tell me that my sexuality is bad and call me horrible names and I'm scared that I'll be raped and I keep on thinking that I deserve to go to hell and I don't even believe hell exists but my brain says that's wrong too and that I shouldn't try and think logically and today I was trying to think through something in my head and my brain was saying "please, would you just die ok?" and I could almost feel myself being run through by swords, like I should have my body slashed up for trying to think, can somebody please help? I just want it to stop.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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To me, this really sounds like something that is well out of your hands-- and that's not your fault at all, these things really do snowball up. I also feel this is likely beyond any of our expertise. Are you seeing a counselor, perhaps? You are not a bad person, and you do not deserve to have such horrible thoughts in your head. I have intense self-hate episodes too, so I can relate to an extent. Do you feel like this all the time (I sure hope not!), or just periodically?
You can obviously tell that these thoughts are not justified, because you want them to end. And that's absolutely correct, the world would definitely not be a better place without you here.
Posts: 21 | From: Europe | Registered: Oct 2009
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I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Shiro's right on that this is not an issue that we can meaningfully address here at Scarleteen, just based on our limitations.
We would really like to help you find a counselor, though.
Here is one crisis hotline in the UK that you can call if you are having suicidal thoughts. Please do call them, Jill. They will be able to help.
You're a wonderful presence here at Scarleteen, and you are valued in this community.
posted
please, Jill, go to that counsellor... i'm just a Stranger in the Internet, but you're a person who invents gender neutral edible plant superheroes. And writes fine stuff. Does wonderfully thrilling things.
I would also start a theological argument, including the absurdness of this kind of hating God (even within the christian tradition), but maybe you would thing that inappropiate? anyway, theology alone won't save you. Go seek help NOW.
posted
I'm guessing you meant that you think that the concept of a god who hates is questionable, not that you think I hate god, because I don't, I just don't believe in them, saying I hate god would be like saying I hate unicorns (and how could I hate unicorns when there's Feathers, Cadillac and Tom Cruise all living on their planet full of talking rocks and rivers of chocolate, which is twinned with the world of Cthulhu and Hello Kitty where the grater monster terrorises the land of sentient cutlery and grumpy hard drinking blobs of colour discuss world destruction strategies?) Though since I'm certain hell doesn't exist I do tend to think of those who believe in it as those who believe torture is acceptable.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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I'm not qualified to diagnose it, but this sounds to me very much like the intrusive imagery I suffered from in my teens. (Still get it occasionally, but now I know what it is it's no worse than annoying.) Sexual or blasphemous imagery is the most common kind to get with that, and it shows up precisely because the person thinking it finds it horrifying, and they end up obsessing over whether thinking it means they're actually going to do it. It may not be that, because I'm not a therapist and can't tell, but your description reminded me a lot of what I went through.
Posts: 422 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2007
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There's no such thing as blasphemy, and I'd like if everyone would listen to what I'm saying, I don't believe in god or hell or sin, so everybody stop talking to me as if I need more religion, plus if I had sexual imagery that would be fine, what I have in my head is anti-sexual imagery.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
(Jill, since ultimately anyone needing the kind of help you were originally asking for here is someone we're simply going to refer to in-person help or hotlines regardless, would you like it if I moved this thread to our locked-thread area where no new replies can be added?)
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63402 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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No, just so long as I'm free to be truthful about things as I was above then you can leave it here, but thankyou for asking.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
"I'm guessing you meant that you think that the concept of a god who hates is questionable, not that you think I hate god" -ok, exactly. Then i'll stop writing as if for a religious person. sorry for the misunderstanding, when you were writing about your doubts about hell, that made me think that.
i think tom cruise lives in scientologyland, and only dreams of the placed described by you.
posted
There's an animation called Planet Unicorn about a gay eight year old called Jimmy who wishes for a planet full of unicorns, who are called Feathers, Cadillac and Tom Cruise, and there is an online comic strip called Hello Cthulhu in which Cthulhu ends up in Hello Kitty land.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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(Jill, I have the t-shirt for the Hello Kitty Cthulhu. )
-------------------- Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007
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Which I will totally be buying when I have the funds now that you've alerted me to it's existence. I'm also going to get a Flying Spaghetti Monster T-shirt, Ramen!
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
I'm still feeling quite depressed, and I keep getting colds, but I'm trying to take care of myself, I actually bothered to take a shower today, I masturbated in there too which made me feel a lot better but also bad about having the water on while I did it which does waste water, the problem is that everything is always so rushed where I live in the mornings that if I want to get left alone for a while the only thing I can do is to linger in the shower, otherwise I just get bombarded with a list of stuff to do, and I feel so guilty about everything much of the time that I'll spend hours in my room just reading forums on the internet or organising the genre descriptions on my iPod, even though I'd much rather be using my free time to have orgasms, I've read stuff about how women don't masturbate as much as men, but I used to masturbate every day, sometimes twice until this horrible shame complex started to get at me all the time, just generally I don't do a lot of stuff I really want to do because I think I shouldn't be enjoying myself.
I think all I can do is use logic to argue with the thoughts and keep trying to do what I enjoy and stay in touch with my friends. I did manage to marathon all of Princess Tutu while I was sick and that was just as awesome a show as I remember, so I guess that's something good, though I'm eating really infrequently, sometimes it's the evening and I haven't eaten all day and I had stomach pains last night while I was asleep... and I dreamed I was dating a humanoid slug which was very disturbing. I have a lot of nightmares actually, TRIGGER WARNING
I had one where my dad raped me once, he never actually raped me in reality, but that didn't make the nightmare easy to get over.
I've been listening to Empire of the Sun, I thank my mentor for introducing me to them, my mentor's partner's parent just died and I've been sad about that too, I was thinking of making an AMV to cheer them up, I sent them a text which said "I hope you and *partner's name* are doing ok and I'm sure you'll do well at supporting them because of how well you've supported me, you have my deepest sympathies, love Jill2000Plus", I always feel a little scared when I say stuff like that in case someone says it's inappropriate, but I want to make sure everyone in my life who is important to me knows it.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
I know I only get a snapshot of how you are in reality by reading the way you respond to posts, but you seem like an amazing person. I cannot emphasize enough how you seem like the kind of person there needs to be more of in the world.
Sorry to hear that you are feeling the way you are. You need to get some help to feel better, you do not deserve to feel this bad. Can I also suggest you do whatever it is you love doing? Whatever thing you find the most fun in the world. For me it is reading, when I don't read for a while I get into this depressed cocoon and I don't let anyone in, it is hard work to emerge from the cocoon, but you can do it! You are worth it Jill!
(Besides on the note of wasting water many people use much more water than you would to stay in the shower slightly longer.)
Just repeat to yourself that you are an amazing, wonderful person who deserves the best that you can get out of life. I am just a stranger who has read a few of your posts, but I truly believe that what I wrote is true about you.
-------------------- ~moonlight
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 819 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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I just made a compilation CD, which is a very good way to cheer up for me, now I have a bunch of songs I downloaded off the net in a format I can use with my alarm clock (it's a CD alarm clock, I don't have an iPod dock but it still rocks my socks without going tick-tock ) I am also trying to drink plenty of water and eat enough, though the thoughts just keep on coming, but I won't stop fighting them, and the cat is snuggled up on my bed right now which is comforting (until the guilt when I have to remove them so I can sleep at/in a comfortable temperature/position. I'm watching this awesome show about a girls baseball team called Princess Nine (there aren't any actual princesses, unlike Princess Tutu which had two and no I don't have an obsession with princesses, I'm against the whole notion of royalty, it's just that there's an unfortunate tendency to call girls princesses to affirm their worth instead of using words that don't make out that being really rich and born to powerful parents are essential parts of that self worth, still both are good series).
I am going to try reading some more Richard Dawkins, hir stuff always makes me utterly immersed, not that I agree with everything zie says (namely my argument for abortion rights is on the basis of the woman's right to body ownership, not on the lack of pain felt by the fetus up to a certain stage of pregnancy, there's a couple of other things too), but hir championing of the right to freedom from religion and the quality of hir scientific writing is much appreciated, I also might read The Beauty Myth again, that book was very well put together, and it was awesome talking about it with my younger sister and hearing her say how it sounded like it should have included more criticism of the way racism and classism intersect with beauty standards, I agreed. It's still a really important book though, and while I think there's a huge amount of pressure to be thin on all women, my sister's never really been at the point where many would call her fat where as I've been fat as far back as I can remember and a book that reminds me that that doesn't make me immoral or repulsive is no small thing. I also will resume reading Yotsuba&!, quite possibly the happiest manga in the world.
The cat's waiting to be let out now, so off I go.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
I've been having another bad day, but I'm going to just watch shows that make me feel good and think about my friends and make my body feel all kinds of pleasure (unfortunately I don't have a massage therapist, but honestly I don't think I'd like massages anyway, well there was this one time when one of my friends gave me one and I liked the attention but I would have been just as satisfied with a comfy pair of slippers... it was a foot massage) until it goes away, I've done all my chores for the day so it's chocolate cheesecake and Cardcaptor Sakura time, plus my friend emailed me and I'm very happy about that, they said they value my friendship and they think I'm cool I just want to thank everyone who's been supporting me through this, I really appreciate it, you are awesome. I'm going to go and see my dad tomorrow, which isn't so great but I also get to see my sister and hir lovely dog, both of whom I miss very much and I can do a bunch of downloading on my dad's internet connection (which is fast and has a lot of GB) so I'll look forward to that.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
I'm sorry your day wasn't so great, but I hope tomorrow is terrific! (And YUM!! on that cheesecake! )
-------------------- Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007
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posted
i want you to know Jill that you have inspired me. I felt the same as you did, and to know that someone who has thought and felt like i have keeps me going. You are a strong woman and i admire you for that. you may not have realized it but i want to thank you. dont give up keep on truckin! haha!
Posts: 30 | From: OK | Registered: Sep 2009
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posted
I have some news of awesomeness: I told the person I'm in love with that I'm in love with them and they feel the same way that I do!
I think I'm also actually starting to work through these intrusive thoughts too, and I've signed up to volunteer at my LGBTU youth group too, I want to help everyone get good sex education that talks about masturbation and abortion and contraception and STIs and how to prevent them and consent and body ownership and discusses gender roles and how no-one has to adhere to them, and make sure everyone learns that there's nothing wrong with being genderqueer, trans and/or homo/bisexual.
Futhermore, last night I made veggie fajitas and the night before that I had an awesome orgasm and I've been to see a gig this week on my own and I wasn't nervous, I just hoped the band would be good (which they were, it was HTRK) which is huge progress for me, I couldn't have imagined going out like that a few years ago, or at least I would have been very anxious in case something went wrong. I went clubbing as well and I got a Superman T-shirt. So it's been a good week. I even found time to watch a hefty dose of animation, Jyu-Oh-Sei, Xxxholic and Someday's Dreamers. Not every moment has been good, but I think I'm starting to realise how illogical these thoughts are, and that I don't need to suffer to be good, that I'm not evil. Anyway, I'm all buzzed at the moment because I told someone how I feel about them and they reciprocated and the best part was that when I told them I knew that even if they didn't feel that way then it would still be alright because we really care about each other and we have our friendship, that love and warmth and kindness. Also, I'm actually signed up for counselling now, so I'll be able to talk about all this with someone and get more help to work through it all.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
Wow, Jill, this is truly wonderful to hear!
So happy to hear about the mutual feelings, please enjoy that (and tell us more if you'd like. ) Congrats on volunteering with your LGBTU group-- I'm sure you'll make for an awesome sex educator and empowerer there! The fajitas, orgasm, band, clubbing, animation, and more sound fantastic and a lot of fun. I'm proud of you for being brave enough to sign up for counseling, and I hope the good keeps coming!
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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I'm so glad to hear all this good news, you deserve some happiness! Have fun with the volunteering and with everything . I'm sure you'll be great at sex education which is inclusive of all genders and sexual orientations. Take care.
-------------------- "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."
posted
Thanks Eryn and Ecofem, I hope you have lots of happiness in your lives too.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
Thanks and you're welcome, Jill! Speaking of good news, it sounds like you've already accomplished a great deal of your New Year's Resolution and it's still January!
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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I'm meeting up with lovely partner-person soon, so that's good, and I'm going to do loads of reading up on contraceptives and STIs, I took a look at the condom section in the chemists yesterday and I asked a question about them to the person at the desk, we both laughed, but it wasn't bad laughter. I know that sex might not happen at all or might not happen for a year or longer, but I think it's important to be prepared so I can enjoy partnersex if we both decide we want to do it. I'm so excited right now, I'm going to get to hold hands and share milkshakes and share moonlit kisses while Ella Fitzgerald/Aretha Franklin/Elvis Presley/Nina Simone play in the background... just kidding well, not about the handholding, and I do like milkshakes. I also very much hope there are some intense making out sessions involved.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
Oooh, that sounds might exciting, Jill! And so good to be prepared.
Why not share those articles with your partner for fun (at least to me ) discussion fodder?
Also, because you mentioned stocking up on condoms and the like, have you thought about starting a Safer Sex Kit? (We should revive that thread; I know I've been meaning to post for awhile myself.) I know you're VERY well read at the site, but here's some more background on that if you're interested: Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-ToPosts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Unfortunately there is a tear in my Superman T-shirt, but I will think of it as a way to show the world that some women do not shave their armpit hair... or possibly attempt to mend it.
I've been thinking about a lot of relationship stuff, but I'll try not to worry too much and just enjoy the moment, I guess I'm just already thinking what would happen if we had to break up for some reason and how much it would hurt hir, but it's much better to enjoy being together for however long than to worry about the future really, isn't it? All I can do is try and make sure we both stay physically and emotionally safe.
I shall stock up on condoms today and try and get some dental dams, I might actually look round the local adult stores again to see what sorts of interesting things I can find in them, I still haven't got a vibrator and I'd really like one.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
In case anyone finds this amusing, I managed to accidentally search for vibratos on google by typing fast and then hitting enter when I meant to hit backspace.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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I had my first date today! I feel so happy, we ate in a cafe then browsed in my favourite record shop then we went back to my place where zie didn't mind the mess and we made out for an hour or two, we were sitting on the bed and then we just ended up holding each other and kissing and it was awesome, I felt really turned on and we discussed contraception too, I said how I wanted to be on the pill as well as using condoms if we do anything with a pregnancy risk and they said that's fine (I would have shown them the door if it wasn't) and I explained about my thrush and it was just all good and happy and I can't stop smiling, my face was bright red for ages afterwards. We might even get to see each other again tomorrow! I've also been watching Sgt. Frog, which is a very silly show about alien frogs who come to earth to take it over and end up living with a family who protect them from danger, it's awesomely funny and has some really good emotional stuff as well, the animation and art design are also impressive. I've got those intrusive thoughts still but I will keep fighting them and try and enjoy my friendships, the time I have with my partner, my body and my life.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
So happy to hear the good news, Jill! A bite to eat at a café, browsing records in a local, and then hanging out at home sound like a lot of fun: Kudos for being able to balance making out with a contraception conversation. I wish more of the same fun in the future!
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Second date was yesterday, this time we laid a duvet on the floor because it was a little difficult making out on the single bed, we ended up with him on top of me and there was some boob nuzzling (he rested his head on there and I almost melted into a puddle of happiness, it was so tender), and we talked some more about stuff like masturbating (having a lover who doesn't have any issues with me doing that is awesome) and why we haven't evolved so that we can wear underpants for two days in a row (I have some Superman ones that match my T-shirt you see), I'm really glad I waited until I found someone I feel really secure with before doing this kind of thing, everyone should get to wait until they feel truly ready and not be pressured regardless of their gender. I think that's another aspect of why abstinence only sex ed is such a bad idea, there's no discussion of what it is to feel desire and to really want to be sexual with someone, they just say to wait until marriage which equals consent apparently, and to them consent is a no-take-backs kind of thing where once you give consent for anything to anyone you can't say no ever again. I also sang in the street yesterday because I had a couple of friends who wanted to hear me and they said I sounded really good and I have a distinctive style, this was all after youth group outside a bar, everyone's been so happy for me and nobody's been all "oh so you're straight now", I'm so glad I'm making all these friends. I'd better get a move on because I have a maths class today but I just wanted to post something and to say I hope everyone is having a good day, it seems like my schedule gets fuller and fuller but I want to keep being an active presence on these boards and trying to offer helpful advice.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
We're trying to meet up this week, so yay! Partner-person is also going to meet up with my mom soon and then we'll meet up the day after to have a proper date and go to the family planning clinic to get me on some mucous thickening, ovulation suppressing hormones (I'm particularly looking forward to having snot that can be used as glue... what's that Skip? It's not that mucous? Skippy's nose twitches indicate it is actually cervical mucous that is thickened by birth control pills so I stand corrected)! All that's next week.
I've also been back to the choir I'm in, I didn't go today but that's because I'm busy... ok my internet allowance runs out tomorrow and I'm using it all up right now, it may not seem like a big deal but meh. I'm switching mentors at the moment unfortunately and I'm really going to miss my current one, I'll still get to see them but not nearly as much, my new mentor seems really nice though. Gosh I've eaten a lot of potato chips and drunk a lot of smoothies today. It was very delicious so I have no regrets, I masturbated too and it was really awesome to feel so happy in my body, pleasured and warm and relaxed I can't stop thinking about my partner all the time, I was getting distracted in maths class, and I really like maths too
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
I've been having a rough day, I have a lot of intrusive thoughts at the moment and I've been beating myself up (not literally), I'd normally be going to my LGBT youth group this evening but I've missed it, I'm just going to get myself some chocolate and a smoothie and settle down with one of my favourite shows...
...ok I actually ended up phoning my partner for over two hours LOL, though I did manage to get the smoothies there was no chocolate. I'm going to try and get some sleep soon, right now I want to eat.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
Hi Jill, I'm happy to hear about all the good news and fun you've been having with your new beau. I'm sorry you had a rough evening but that will happen even when things are mostly good; it sounds like you found a good way to cope and are ready for a fresh start in the morning!
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Recently my mom has been pointing out exactly how I'm ruining her life. And how she might lose her job and her boyfriend because of me. A couple weeks ago my dad was telling my sister about when my mom was pregnant with her and about her nursery and stuff. I asked about my moms pregnancy with me and he said they were seriously considering abortion. By the time they were about to make a decision it was too late. Lately I've been feeling like things would be better for everyone in my life, if I wasn't there. I took a lot of pills and thought I was going to die. I was throwing up for 3 days and told my mom I had the stomach flu. But I've realized now that life is worth living. Every moment, even the bad ones. Live for yourself if you feel like you don't have anyone and in time you will see how much people do care about you. Posts: 13 | From: United States | Registered: Jan 2010
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posted
Thankyou Keepinitgreen, I'm sorry you were feeling sad and I'm sure the world wouldn't be a better place without you in it, I do think parents should be honest about things like considering abortion when they were pregnant with you, but they shouldn't use it as a way of putting the born, rights having, current you down, you do matter, very much.
I had a rather tearful day yesterday as I could see how my boyfriend is really worried about getting thrush from me and I don't want to give him an itchy red dischargey penis, I'm sure we'll work it out though, he seems fine with wearing latex gloves and condoms, I'm seeing him tomorrow and I'm really excited, we did a lot of dry humping last time and I was so happy to see how much he trusts me, he was just letting himself relax and enjoy it, though I think he managed to crush his thingamajig (couldn't resist but I do mean penis) while he was changing positions so that put him off a bit, and we're still talking loads, I love him so much and he makes me feel really happy I'm going to try and make sure I keep up with my hobbies and interests and my other friends and keep enjoying masturbation and just remember that I can individually be happy and he makes my life better as opposed to completing me.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
I've been feeling a bit upset because I'm not seeing my partner for a week or two, and last time we met up I wanted to do something that he didn't and we didn't do it because he didn't seem enthusiastic but I may have brought it up a few too many times, I was just trying to get an idea of how he felt about it and he said he didn't feel pressured when I asked him about it but I've just been worrying because consent is very important to me and I never ever want to hurt him and sometimes I worry that by talking about how horny/aroused I feel with him I'm going to make him feel pressured to do things he doesn't want to do, if he seems apprehensive or doesn't consent or otherwise isn't into something we won't do it but I just keep on worrying that I'm evil and abusive and destined to screw up this relationship and hurt him in the process even though I know I love him and I care about him and I know to be gentle and to communicate about my feelings, I worry sometimes he might not believe that I really do love it when we just cuddle and kiss, that I'm not just waiting to get to "the really good stuff" because all this tenderness is the really good stuff, anyway I'm missing him loads, though I do have other stuff I want to do, so I guess this is a good opportunity to do it.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
I've read your letter in the other thread ("Should I send this to him?"), and you're soooooooooooo NOT "evil and abusive and destined to screw up this relationship and hurt him in the process". These are the same awful toughts as from the beginning of this board, and you shouldn't believe them.
Which of course you already know with the not-worrying part of your brain, so I'm not writing here to be surprising, just to support you a bit, as far as it's possible via a message board.
I'd like to give you a virtual hug, but maybe those aren't nice to receive from strangers from the other end of the world.
If you're really a bit pressuring, altrough I don't know if any of this is true or just a worry, then there might be room to refine a bit the way you threat these issues, and I hope some more experienced people from the forum can help you in this... but you have communication and honesty and goodness and a whole lot of other wonderful things in this relationship and in general, so I think the details can be made better, but you shouldn't worry about the whole.
you're great and it has been inspiring to read this thread from the beginning to the last posts.
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If you still want to give me that virtual hug then it's very much appreciated.
I've thought some more about it and I talked to my mentor and support worker about it and I think it will be ok, he loves me and I love him and I'm just going to keep on remembering that, and I've resolved that I'm not going to apologise when I make utterly harmless jokes or puns or tell him there's something I'd like to try if he wants to or when I say I love him many times, I always apologise and feel self concious about expressing my feelings and wants and I want to stop doing that because it hurts me and it might end up hurting him if he gets the idea that it's not ok for him to express his feelings and wants.
I'm also starting to realise that even if I'm not the most self sufficient of individuals (I'm rubbish at doing chores), I do bring something of great value to the world by being honest about my feelings and trying to take care of and support those around me, I'd never realised just how valuable that kind of stuff is until just now, I'm always putting myself down for not contributing enough to society but I am helping to make a better world, even if I'm not so good at cleaning up after myself sometimes (not that I'm saying that isn't important).
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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You're using that expression just fine Personally I would probably have been a bit goofy about it and said "go team Jill!" but it's all good
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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Actually, has anyone figured out what my username is a reference to (hint: my real name isn't Jill)?
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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I just wanted to say things are really great at the moment, I was very worried about putting pressure on my boyfriend and he got stressed out because he was in a physically vulnerable position at one point where we didn't do anything but we were talking about it and he wasn't ready so we stopped and we talked and since then everything's been really good, I told him if we are going to be sexual together which we don't have to be I need him to accept me touching myself in front of him eventually (which wasn't the stressy thing either) and I'd feel like something was missing if he wasn't ok with it in time because I want to be able to do what feels good when we're having sex and I told him how it would make it much easier to orgasm during intercourse, I told him that I love the stuff we do together I just want to have as full a sensory experience as I can, and he listened, and he gets it.
I told him I love him and I said loads of stuff about how we don't have to do physical stuff at all and that we can always do other things together and because he said he felt like he was being selfish when he didn't want to do sexual things I wanted to do I went through a bunch of stuff I thought might make him think that (feeling like he had to prove his love through sex, feeling like he owes me if I pay for stuff on our dates, that sort of thing) and told him that it doesn't make him selfish at all and that I know he'd never think that way about me so I wanted him to show himself that same kindness and love, I emphasised that his body is his and I told him what the risks are to the best of my knowledge for him getting thrush from me (I haven't been dishonest with him but there is a lot of conflicting information even from what I'd consider to be trustworthy sources, I've told him the information I've gotten from different places including when two sources have said different things) and just generally I'm doing my best.
He told me about how he's feeling down at the moment and he's still recovering from the heavy workload of college a year ago and a bunch of other stuff which I listened to, we discussed his porn use (which I don't have an issue with, I just wanted to reassure him that he doesn't have to hide it) and explained some stuff about condoms that he didn't know that was making him worried and told him I could give him some if he wants to see what they're like and we could look at them together and I'd be happy to show him how to put one on when he feels ready for that (I will get us to a sexual health something or another together so he can be shown on something that's not his penis) and our last date went really well, I didn't make him feel pressured (which has never been my intention), we just relaxed and did what felt right at the time and I knew that I would have liked it if we'd just sat and talked because I like just being with him, which I think is what's really important.
And I told him how beautiful I think he is, and he told me all sorts of nice stuff to that effect too, we both completely accept each other's physical bodies which I think is really good, he tells me I'm lovely the way I am and I say the same thing.
Just generally I'm feeling more confident lately, I'm not saying I would hurt him or pressure him if I felt bad about myself or that that would make that ok or understandable, I just mean that I've made some important realisations, the biggie being that just because I'm always learning doesn't mean I can't use logic or science (which I never really believed but which was one of those things that my head kept on throwing at me), that and I'm going to try and improve my physical health for a variety of reasons (among them: curing the thrush, not getting the type II diabetes that runs in my family, having more energy/strength/stamina, not developing joint problems, living longer which also means hopefully not dying much sooner than my partner and leaving them without me, avoiding the horrors of constipation) so I'm feeling good about that too.
Edit: I'm also going to try and get him to do more research on his own and with me about these kinds of things because I don't want to be where he gets all his information from, I'd rather encourage him to look things up for himself so he has more autonomy.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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Hi Jill! Just wanted to say that I'm really happy to hear you're doing so good and things are working out smoothly. It's also very inspiring for me to see people make it through tough times-- it makes me feel more motivated to try and undo all the knots in my life so I, too, will reach a point in life where I feel good and things are all right and well. (Or at least manageable, haha!)
All I can tell you is: Awesome, Jill!
Posts: 236 | From: Europe | Registered: Oct 2009
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Thanks Cian, I appreciate the encouragement and I hope you can work out the stuff that's been upsetting you.
I talked to him on the phone today and again, it was good, I told him how how happy I am that our last date went so well and that I want that to always be how things are, no pressure, just enjoying being together and going at a pace that's comfortable for both of us, that's what I've always wanted from this relationship and I can be very foolish sometimes worrying about whether other people I know would think there's something wrong/not normal/uncool about the way we act when we're together, I'm very self-concious about being an aspie in a relationship and I've realised that I've got to ditch that because it's just going to hurt both of us, I just want to enjoy being in love and being kind to each other and being together, and the awesomeness of the sex, which has been lovely
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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Also... I found my condom carry case! It went missing for a week and I had just been hoping somebody too embarrassed or poor to buy condoms had found it but when my stuff came out of the washing machine there it was! I've thrown away the two condoms that were in it but I've got plenty more and I've got my pocket case back now so w00t! I also went to a gig this week which was amazing, it was this cinematic fluid Ennio Morricone-esque glo/chillwave band called Memory Tapes and I was really into the music and there were staff from one of the local indie record stores there so we said hi, I really love this band, the song "Stop Talking" has one of the sexiest electronic riffs/beats that I've ever heard in my whole life, I didn't even care that the band was on for only 30 minutes, and the support band was good too, they were called Visions of Trees.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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Everything's a bit overwhelming at the moment because my boyfriend has lied to me about some stuff, he's now told me the truth and said he's gotten into the habit of lying all the time even though he doesn't want to, I told him that it's very important to me that he's honest with me, he also told me that someone tried to rape him once (nothing actually happened, he managed to escape and went to the police station) and I'm thinking how best to support him because I don't know if he might still be traumatised by it, he acknowledges that he needs to get some kind of help with all his issues and I'm just wondering if there's any way I can get him long term counselling (he's 20 so I'm not sure if it's covered by the NHS), his dad's unemployed and he doesn't have a job (he's trying to get one), I'm really concerned about him because he always tries to deal with things on his own and he needs help and I don't think he really has much of a financial safety net, my brain's all confuzzled right now.
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 839 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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) I am also trying to drink plenty of water and eat enough, though the thoughts just keep on coming, but I won't stop fighting them, and the cat is snuggled up on my bed right now which is comforting (until the guilt when I have to remove them so I can sleep at/in a comfortable temperature/position. I'm watching this awesome show about a girls baseball team called Princess Nine (there aren't any actual princesses, unlike Princess Tutu which had two and no I don't have an obsession with princesses, I'm against the whole notion of royalty, it's just that there's an unfortunate tendency to call girls princesses to affirm their worth instead of using words that don't make out that being really rich and born to powerful parents are essential parts of that self worth, still both are good series).![[Wink]](wink.gif)
) Congrats on volunteering with your LGBTU group-- I'm sure you'll make for an awesome sex educator and empowerer there! The fajitas, orgasm, band, clubbing, animation, and more sound fantastic and a lot of fun. I'm proud of you for being brave enough to sign up for counseling, and I hope the good keeps coming!
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