Donate Now
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Another Divorce?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Another Divorce?
Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?
Activist
Member # 37530

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm 16, and I have a 14 year old brother. When we were 3 and 1, our biological mother and father got a divorce. Although we still see my father on major holidays and seasons, he's not really around that much.

When I was five or six, my mom got remarried again to a man with three children from a previous marriage.

So many years later, my mom finds herself unhappy with both her life mostly because her marriage. Today she even told me she's seriously considering a divorce because she said life's too short. She said she loves him, but she just can't take his sh_t anymore. The only way she said she'd really give their marriage another chance is if I can respect him again because she said their relationships affects my brother and I and she has to show and do for us what is best. But the truth is, I don't know if I can. And it kind of makes me feel like part of the divorce will be my fault.

I know I'm the child, but I'm worried about all three of us. If she gets the divorce, she'll have to take another job and work 7am to 4pm and then another one from 4am to 11pm just to make ends meet. And she already works 6 days a week. She'll be an emotional wreck because she still loves him, but she can't put up with his crap anymore. As much as I'd like to, I don't think I could help her out much, especially since I am a teenager and stay gone 85% of the time.

I guess I'm seeking reassurance of some kind and a maybe a little comfort, too. I'm not sure what to do, or who to turn to. I know I'm going to really miss one of my step-sisters, as well, and my mom hasn't even told my step-dad about wanting a divorce yet.

She said she's giving it a few more weeks, but I just want to know what you guys would suggest to slowly start packing and be prepared to take with me. Besides my clothes, computer, cell, and other things like that, what would you suggest?

Another question, if they do divorce, will my brother and I have to split our time between yet another family? He is our stepfather, but I don't think by law he is our guardian or whatnot, only by marriage, if that makes sense.

Thanks.

[ 06-14-2009, 08:55 PM: Message edited by: Typical Young and Dumb Teenager? ]

--------------------
Young and Dumb.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go." - Keith Urban

Posts: 243 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It really, truly is always safe to say divorce is never the "fault" of anyone but the people who were married: divorce isn't any child's fault, for real.

I'd also even try and think of divorce not as someone's fault: like any relationship, marriages often do not last a lifetime, change and often enough, people feel it's best to leave or move on.

I would not worry about what to pack right now: that strikes me as premature unless your mother is talking about preparing for a move or figuring out what kind of contact you will or won't have with your stepparent and step-siblings. Remember, you're not the mother, she is, and helping you with all of this should be something your family does together, ideally.

(Of course, I personally feel like the way she shared this with you before the fact was a bit of boundary-crossing. I'm down with being honest with your kids, but with something as big as divorce, this strikes me as oversharing, especially if she's not certain yet. So, one thing I would suggest is perhaps making clear how what she said has left you feeling, and asking her to do bear some healthy boundaries in mind.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ecofem     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey Typical,

It's good to hear from you but I'm sorry to hear about your current situation. I remembered your post on the very same topic back in March when your mom was in a similar situation. How is it different/similar this time? I can imagine it's very hard when it keeps coming back up. I especially agree with Heather's point about your mom's sharing with you being a bit of boundary-crossing. I see your previous post on the topic and am struck by how hard you're working to help your mom and others out.

That said, it's neither your fault for the divorce nor responsibility to take on a parent-type role. I'm glad to see you're focusing on being a teenager as much as you can. How was your birthday party? I know you had talked a lot about planning it earlier and it seemed it was going to be a special event.

I see a lot of change and uncertainty in many areas of your life; that's never easy, especially when it keeps popping back up. How are the other aspects of your life-- friends, school (out for summer?), etc.

Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?
Activist
Member # 37530

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Everything besides my family life is going well. My friends and I have continued to spend oodles amount of time together, my ex and I have both decided to try to work on being friends and maybe in the future, possibly more, and for once in my life, my dad and I have actually been getting along for more than a couple weeks at a time, even though we only talk 1-2 a week on the phone.

I suppose my mom told me because she doesn't know who else to turn to. I'm pretty mature for my age, and I guess since we use to be extremely close, I suppose she figured I'd let it go through one in and come out the other.

The situation is different this time because he didn't hit her or anything. She's just tired of him always griping about everything and not appreciating what she does for him. And she's tired of his daughters not respecting her and him not doing anything about it.

The reason I'm considering packing is because my mom was mentioning places we might move to. She said we might buy a trailer not that far from my ex, or that we might stay in my uncle's house while he's in Iraq until she can get enough money to buy an actual house. The fact that she's considered where we'd move to kind of makes me feel like there will be, in fact, a move.

--------------------
Young and Dumb.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go." - Keith Urban

Posts: 243 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ecofem     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey! I'm so glad to hear other things are going so well in your life! I'm happy to hear about your ex and especially happy to hear about you and your dad. You'll be visiting him for a bit for part of the summer, right? [Smile]

As for your mom telling you stuff, I would absolutely agree that you're very mature, which I've picked up from on the boards. However, I think what Heather means by boundaries is that there is stuff that parents should just talk to their adult friends about for various reasons. Here's an example: a dear friend of mine is a single mom. She would like her boyfriend to move in (they'd like to marry but it's not really an option for them); her daughter has met and likes him, they've stayed over at his place and he's stayed over at theirs. My friend makes a big deal to not talk about her relationships issues, be it a beef with her ex or something with this new guy. She'll tell her daughter once she's told her mother (who is a caretaker) and her ex (the daughter's father), and when there is a specific time (like two months.) Some people would say that she's already told her daughter too much but she has a system that works for her. The bottom line is that her daughter doesn't see tension as much as possible. Growing up, both as a teen and a young adult, she would sometimes have to take over the parent role with her mom, and she doesn't want her daughter to experience the same.

I can tell your mom is a very kind-hearted, warm person but has been having a period of tough times and perhaps not making the best decisions for others. She has very valid reasons for wanting to move out (if I remember correctly, both your mom and stepdad have been physically violent with each other?) but I feel she's done a similar statement with you before, which leaves you in a very difficult, "Are we going to stay or go? Should I start packing? How are we going to make ends meet?" when she should be making all those calls... without stringing you along.

In any case, I really feel for you because it's very unclear -- it could or could not happen -- and the in-between stage of waiting is really difficult. I really wish you -- and she-- had more people to turn to in-person for comfort. It looks like your uncle *is* someone she can turn to for advice and support, even if he's currently deployed, I would assume he has extensive computer access. Whatever happens, I know you're strong and will be able to deal with it... I just hope that a decision is made -- to stay or to go -- soon for your sake.

Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ecofem     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Also, I know you've mentioned your CCD group not being a place you'd go to for support, but I know that Catholic parishes have quite extensive support networks... whether it's finding a priest or other person you -- or your mom -- could go to talk this out or connecting you with a local food pantry, they're there and really want to help their members in need. [Smile]
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?
Activist
Member # 37530

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Actually Ecofem, due to band and having to be in the fourth of July parade, I'm not leaving until the fifth of July to go see my dad, but my brother leaves tomorrow. [Frown] (He's only going to be gone two weeks before I go, but it's the longest time I've gone without him.)

My mom didn't eat supper again tonight, which is starting to worry me. So, I went tell her goodnight and found her lying in the dark alone. I automatically knew she was crying; so, I crawled into bed and tried to comfort her. I started talking to her, and she does plan on leaving, although she hasn't told my stepdad yet. She's just not happy anymore. I told her not to do it while we're not here so we can help her, but she said she has to do what she has to do. I told my mom that I didn't tell my ex (and two of my closest friends), but I did because I needed to talk to someone. He said that he'd help her if she needed, and I'm sure another one of my friends would, too.

I'm just really lost, confused, worried, and upset. Too much is going through my mind.

[ 06-20-2009, 11:00 PM: Message edited by: Typical Young and Dumb Teenager? ]

--------------------
Young and Dumb.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go." - Keith Urban

Posts: 243 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ecofem     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey you! [Smile]

I'm sorry to hear about your mom being in a difficult situation right now. It sounds like you're doing all you can to help her... is there any other adult you can reach out to who could talk to your mom? It sounds like she could use some additional support by someone who is reliable and caring (such as your uncle?) who could lend an eye and a hand as well as some advice as how to best proceed. The person doesn't have to be local but someone who could step up to the plate right now. It sounds like your mom is very depressed to the point of not being able to function very well and could really use some in-person support to help her work through things. How's her relationship with your biological dad? Non-existent, strained, cordial, etc.?

I'm glad you told your ex and your friends because you could use some support right now yourself! While it's understandable that your mom is having such a hard time right now, you've having to carry a parental burden and I am concerned because it's such heavy, difficult stuff.

Honestly, your mom moving out when you and your brother are away may make it easier logistically. The question is how would she do it-- would friends or family come and help her? Does your stepdad know about this plan and would he help? Does your brother know? These are all things for her to work out and if she's having trouble following through, she needs to reach out to her friends and family members. I'm glad your ex and friend would lend your mom a hand with the move but is there any other adult you could ask, too?

As for moving your stuff, I don't want to tell you what to do necessarily but you could pack up some stuff and temporarily leave it at a friend's house while you're at your dad's this summer. I would hope your stepdad would be willing and kind enough to assist and support you and your mom but this way you'd at least have the most important stuff out. If your mom was thinking of renting a storage space, you could put the stuff there, too.

It sounds like you're doing so much and that's really kind. I totally hear you on feeling so "lost, confused, worried, and upset"... this is more than you or any teenager should have to deal with! That's why I'd think about some adult you could talk to for more support for your mom... can you think of anyone near or far?

Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?
Activist
Member # 37530

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, I think my mom talked to my grandmother and a friend or two about everything between them, but I think she feels like she's putting a burden on them by talking about everything. So, she doesn't want to involve them too much. But I'm sure she talks to one of her best guy friends from high school about it. I know he's a huge support system for her. That gives me a little peace of mind knowing she has someone once both my brother and myself leave, but he is married, has children, and has his own life.. He can't always be there.

Her relationship with my dad is.. everything but nice. It's even to the point where we had to start meeting at the police station for visitation swaps 6, 7, maybe 8 years ago. I don't even want to tell him about the whole situation here at home. He'll start griping, and maybe even try to take Mom back to court so we can be in a "stable, more safe environment." The truth is, I really, really don't EVER want to live with him. Even though we're getting along better, a week or two here and there is more than enough for me..

I'm sure her a few of her closest friends would come help her if she asked them to, but I doubt she would. And I highly doubt my stepdad would help her move out. He's too much of a butthole for that.

In all honesty, I have no clue if my brother knows. (I got to thinking about it, and today when he leaves, it may very well be the last time he gets to say goodbye to our stepsisters, one of which he is VERY close to and vise-versa for her.) But my mom did tell my stepdad about two hours ago that if he didn't get the help he needed, she wasn't staying with him. (Back in March he refused to get anger management counseling when she said he needed to.) I talked to her afterwards, and she said that whether he does or not, she's not staying here in the meantime. But that I shouldn't pack my stuff yet. My brother leaves today, but I'm going to be here another two weeks. I'm not sure if that means I'll be living where I am now or else where, nor do I want to leave and not having what I need packed and ready to be moved when she (we) does (do). But the house is quiet at the moment. My stepsisters and brother are playing on their computers, my mom's in her house listening to her iPod , and my stepdad is outside sleeping on the swing. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not because once he wakes up, I'm sure there will be fighting, arguing, and a whole lot of tension.. on everyone.

I guess I could talk to my ex's mom. She's really understanding, but I, nor my mom, really want everyone to know, although I know it won't be long before they do. It'll be obvious. But I know if I talk about it I'll break down, and I've never done that in front of her. Plus, her husband, my ex's dad, are friends and he thinks my stepfather is the best man alive.. and believe me, he's not. So, I'm not really sure how that situation would work.

I just thought about another one of my friend's moms. She got a divorce about five years ago, but I'm not sure if her marriage is so great now. So, I don't know.. I'll think about it.

[ 06-21-2009, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: Typical Young and Dumb Teenager? ]

--------------------
Young and Dumb.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go." - Keith Urban

Posts: 243 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ecofem     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey! I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. I'm so glad that you can think of so many people you could go to if the need arises. My suggestion would be to support your mom as best you can but to then seek outside help for your mom when it starts feeling overwhelming for you. If your mom isn't feeling ready for that, then your doing so will help her and be the right thing, I think. [Smile]

I will be away from the boards and out of town in July. However, other staff and users will surely be more than glad to continue to support you with this and other things. Good luck! I wish the best to you and your mom, and hope that your visit with your dad (and brother!) is a good one. I can tell you're a really strong person, which is really awesome!

Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3