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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » breaking up

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Author Topic: breaking up
kamille
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Going back on this post of mine: http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/010023.html

The jest of the story is that he is moving away to another province. We decided we could make it work, but the next day I knew that it couldn't work, I wouldn't be able to trust him him again so quickly after he made such a rash decision (would he do it again?), and all these other emotions were brewing. A few days later, he came to me at night with a letter, explaining he loved me and telling me that what he did was a mistake. I told him I would think. A few days later he came again and said he wanted to still go on the trip we had been planning and that he wants to move in a few years so that I can come with him. I told him that that's unrealistic planning and I can't decided that now. I let him know that we both needed time to think about what we really want. I think that I opened up that option because I knew that he would realize that he wants to go, and I would rather him decide that while we were broken up, rather then a month or so down the road when things started to get better. He told me that he would prove to me that he's worth it. So, when he told me that he would phone me, I said no don't phone but what I meant was...show don't tell. Anyways, I knew that confused him so I gave him a call earlier then the time that I said we needed because I knew silence wouldn't solve anything. I caught him off guard, and he didn't agree to meet at that time because he was going out to a night club. Already within that action, I knew there was a different point of view again. He's been switching his mind on and off like wild fire. So, anyways, I was obviously hurt...and then the next day we talked and he let me know that he had time to think and that he was planning on moving, and probably earlier. I knew in my heart that it couldn't work any more anyways, but that doesn't make it any less hard.

I think that in a way, my situation relates to this poster's problem:
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/009994.html
Because her boyfriend of 3 years (we were dating for around 3 as well) has told her that he needs time to search new things. In my relationship, although he still professes to love me, we are heading in two different directions.

I would really appreciate some help or support... if anyone has any ideas of what I should do in the mean time as I get over the break up, I would appreciate it.

Posts: 125 | From: Canada | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I think one thing you might want to think about in processing this, and that will likely help you feel better, is that it sounds to me like you simply a) do not want to move with him when he chooses to do something for his creative work (valid, but also not really about you two) b) don't want a long distance relationship and c) feel that the whole situation and how he's made his decisions around this have made you feel unstable in the relationship or unable to feel comfortable continuing it.

All of those things are valid, however, I would be sure (as I said in that other thread) to understand as not being about not loving enough or being loved enough, but about you two wanting different things in your lives which don't seem compatible. And that does happen very often in interpersonal relationships, and people, when deciding what to do and considering all their options, will often be all over the place.

It sounds to me like you made a choice based on what you strongly felt was and wasn't what you want, and would not work out for you, which is sound. That's really the best any of us can do.

So, in terms of what to do now, it seems to me like since this had a lot to do with you wanting to stay on your life path, that putting energy into what those things are would be a good thing to do. Know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kamille
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I support his creative work very much. He never asked me to move with him (except for the second time he came to talk), and I wouldn't consider it at the moment because I would like to finish school. We both don't want a long distance relationship.

I completely understand that he wants to go and try to achieve his dream. I also have aspirations, but realistically I know that I would like a cushion.

I don't know what I want from my life path right now. He seems to know more then I do that "we both want different things..." Nah, I don't mean that. I just don't know what to do to keep myself occupied.

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Heather
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I wasn't implying you were unsupportive. Rather, just saying that to keep yourself from hurting some if you're making this at all about his choosing between you and that or what have you, don't go there. Those things can intersect, for sure, but they're different and not comparable.

In terms of what's up for you now, did you say you were in school? What plans did you have for this summer? Any chance of being able to take an internship or volunteer gig, for instance, in an area you've been focusing on or feel passionate about?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kamille
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I know, and I'm not trying to make it out to seem like I'm distressed about whether or not his motive was to choose between one or the other. It's just hard to wrap my head around the idea that someone could still love you, but not want to work on things.

Yes, this is true, both can intersect, but they are hard to incorporate. And sometimes dreams are better off the be handled by oneself unbiasedly. For example, maybe he wanted to make sure that things could be left as good instead of harder to let go when it came closer to the date of leave.

I'm not in school right now. I don't have a job. I'm currently looking for a job. No chance for internship. I want to travel, but don't have $$$.

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Heather
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Is it that he didn't want to work on things, though, or that he felt moving was his best option in terms of what he wants to do with his life and music?

Sometimes, it really is like that: we can only do X thing here, or feel like if we don't, we're going to miss an opportunity we might not have otherwise. Now, for older couples, it sometimes can be a bit easier to say. "Okay, we'll move here for you to do this here, and next time, we'll be open to something similar should I need it." But when you're just starting your adult life, it's often tougher (particularly given limited resources) and I'd say splits happen for reasons like this a lot more often.

In terms of your desire to travel, how about looking for a job or internship with a stipend that fits that bill in terms of sending you somewhere?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kamille
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Ok, I think I'm coming to terms with understanding the concept better. Thank you Heather for all your replies.

Yeah, I am doubtful that I would be able to find a job abroad on account of the economy and how there are no jobs even available here without a ton of experience.

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Heather
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Well, pretty much anyone can walk into an entry-level job. When you're just starting out in the workforce, it's pretty typical to start with something like bagging groceries or cashiering, delivering pizzas, working at the video store, etc.

Have you been looking at entry-level things like that? I ask because I've noticed a lot of the time with Scarleteen users that we see young people unable to get jobs because they're simply looking at positions which they don't have the job experience for yet.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kamille
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Yep, I've been looking for entry level jobs. You even need experience to pack bagels into plastic bags. It's truly frustrating.

Anyways, thanks...I guess I just need to find something to keep myself busy...

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Heather
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Have you considered being a bit of an entrepreneur? In other words, if the market for any job is that bad where you are, how about putting up an ad or flier for yourself to do odd jobs? Babysitting, dog-walking, tutoring, helping the elderly with grocery shopping, teaching someone how to use their e-mail, what have you?

Or, if something paying just isn't happening at all, and you can do okay without an income, how about a volunteer job?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

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Just to chime in on the volunteer thing, while I'm not too clear on what's available in Canada, I did find a couple of sites. I know in the US a lot of the organizations, like AmeriCorps, will pay you a small wage, and sometimes even provide you with a place to live. I'm not sure if Canadian orgs do the same, though.

http://www.volunteerabroad.com/Canada.cfm
http://www.cadip.org/workcamps.htm
http://www.ec.gc.ca/volunteers-benevoles/index_e.cfm?page=2&sel=programs§ion=6

Some volunteer programs will also give you the opportunity to travel, and employers do tend to look favorably on such things as it shows your commitment and dedication to a cause, as well as your willingness to step outside the known and comfortable and really take initiative. Or you might even find that you really love the nonprofit sector and stick with that.

--------------------
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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kamille
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Hey Orca,

Actually, I found this cool site called latitude. It's a volunteer organization. Unfortunately, I can't participate in it because the sign ups are Sep and Jan.

Thanks [Smile]

Posts: 125 | From: Canada | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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