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Author Topic: avoiding a partner/rapist encounter
atm1
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In not too long, I'll be graduating and heading home for a bit of time. Fortunately, I'll be home at a time that will allow me to go to a party honoring the head of my high school as she retires. She's truly an amazing person, and I actually spent a significant amount of time crashing at her house at night (she lived on campus) after late night extra-curriculars. Going means a lot to me because she means a lot to me. I'll almost definitely go with at least one of my parents, as well.

My rapist's parents and probably my rapist are very likely to be there. That's not really an issue if it were just me and my parents (my mom is actually still friends with his mom, and as a result, I've never told my parents what happened), but my partner will definitely be in town with me that day. I don't want to ditch him at my house alone, and while I could ask him to find friends to spend time with (though he's from a totally different part of the country from me, he has some high school and college friends who've since moved to the area where I live), I'd really like him to come with me. My high school, and the community there still does mean a lot to me. I want him to see that, and for him to meet some of the amazing educators who changed my life.

I'm actually on decent terms with my rapist. We've talked, he's admitted to what he did and apologized for it all. I'm okay being around him... but I know my partner wouldn't be. I'm positive, mostly because he's said in the past that he never wants to encounter my rapist. That's completely fair, and I really respect that.

I'm just trying to figure out what I should do... I have a while before I'd have to figure things out, but I pretty much have four options:
1) Ask my partner to find something else to do while I go.
2) Not go (I don't really see this as an option, but I know that technically, it's there)
3) Bring my partner and hope for the best.
4) Ask my rapist not to go.

I do think there's a chance that my rapist would not go if I asked him, or, at the very least, if he was on the fence about going, he'd stay away. It's the type of thing that really wouldn't matter nearly as much to him as it does to me.
I could also just ask if he's going, and if he is, ask my partner to go do something else for a little while.


I do have people around here to talk to about this, but I don't really know any other survivors around me who are on the same type of good terms with their rapists as I am... so I'm trying to cast a wider net for advice. I feel awkward talking to my rapist about this, because I generally avoid all contact unless I absolutely can't avoid it, but I think I might have to... I'd just like to hear from anyone else who's had an issue with someone they know meeting their rapist for the first time.

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Devourer
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Option three seems to entail the least ammount of trouble. Like you said, option two and four are unlikely to happen. However, you mentioned you want your rapist to meet these educators. How important is this to you? If it is very significant, then option four is not the best choice.

I'm glad you respect your partner's wishes for you to not encounter your rapist, but in this case since both you and the rapist will inevitably meet...it might be a good idea to try and negotiate with him, and not spend anymore time than you need to with your rapist at the event.

Good luck with the decision making...

Posts: 42 | From: the Californian coast! | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
atm1
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Just to clarify because you misunderstood:

I want my partner to meet people at my high school. My rapist already knows all of them, because he went there too. Frankly, I don't care at all who my rapist sees, talks to, or knows. It's none of my business.

Also, I would feel like it was totally out of line if my partner felt like he could prevent me from going somewhere where I might encounter my rapist. It's my choice to put myself in that situation, and my partner really ought to respect that. (He didn't like it when I spoke to my rapist a year and a half ago, but he made it clear that he supported me since I thought it was best).

It's my partner who doesn't ever want to meet my rapist. That's the desire I completely respect. It's his boundaries around my rapist. Really, we each get to make choices about who we interact with. I just really don't want to back my partner into a situation he doesn't want to be in. But my partner really doesn't get to control what I do and don't do, and he'd completely agree with that statement.

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Devourer
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Ah! Thanks for straightening out the kink in the info hose.

Perhaps, if you don't want to corner your partner into anything he doesn't want, you should simply let him decide whether or not he wants to go, and since this is important to you you'll go whether or not he wants to?

It seems like the main issue with choice three is weighing how much you want him to meet these people against all that would happen if your partner decided to go...

Although, if your partner has never met this rapist and consequently wouldn't recognize him you could bring him to the event and try to avoid the rapist if possible. But, you did say your family has some connections with the rapist's family, so hmmm....

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StrangePudding
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Well...have you spoken to your partner about your rapist being there yet? I only ask because it's unclear from your post. You say he doesn't want to meet him, but maybe if you talk to him and let him know how very much you would like him to come with you to this event and how important it is to you, he might be able to set aside his feelings for a few hours. Maybe not even make it into a big deal - just say very plainly 'I wanted you to know X might be there, but I would still really like you to come with me' and go from there.
Posts: 222 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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