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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists

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Author Topic: And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists
Bun Bun
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Member # 37353

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I feel the need to vent so badly right now. My head aching from crying and I know I'll keep twitching until I let this all out. So here goes...

Wow. What a night... I went to a movie with my amazing, wonderful, supportive partner-

Just to have it ruined by seeing my ex-boyfriend/ex-abuser sitting a couple of rows away. When I first saw him, I couldn't breathe. Litterally, I think I felt my heart stop and I started shaking wildly. I calmed down quickly because we sat where we couldn't see him and I thought that maybe I had been mistaken and it wasn't him. I would have left but I kept telling myself You can't let him control you anymore. That's over now. Be strong. And I was. I enjoyed the movie, joking with my boyfriend- and constantly making sure that he was holding my hand and right there beside me.

Afterwards, I saw that it was him. We sat in the theatre until everyone was gone and the credits were over and I had stopped shaking again. I can't explain the irrational fear that I felt. I thought he'd come up to me- I thought he'd say hello to my boyfriend. The thought just absolutely terrified me. We left, and I kept looking around to make sure he wasn't anywhere near us- I probably looked like a fool, holding onto my boyfriend with a deathgrip, trying to keep my composure by laughing and talking about school work...

I still feel kind of scared... I don't know why. But a lot of it has turned to hate. I don't usually hate people- but I'm feeling it right now. Strong, ugly, hatred. And for once-

It's not at myself.

I have a feeling I'm in for a long sleepless night again. I feel incredibly nauseous, and I'm crying. It's almost like I sensed this was going to happen for days now though. I've been sad a lot, when I'm usually in quite a pleasant mood. I've been thinking about moving again- I'm not in the place I'd like to be. And it would make things a lot better. I won't have to fear seeing him again. It's not that I'm not strong enough to handle it, it's just that I don't want to see him. I don't want to see the bastard ever again.

I'm kind of coming down off that emotional rush now. I feel drained, almost exhausted. I promised myself that I would do some math tonight, but at this point I don't think I'd get much done. I'll probably dye my hair because it calms me down and makes me feel like ME again (if that makes any sense). I'm doing my best to avoid feeling numb, because when I dissociate myself I start feeling like cutting again. I refuse to let one stupid human being break my will.

It felt great to get that all out. It's late here though, so I'm going to go do my hair, listen to Fiona Apple and watch some T.J. Hooker. Feel free to leave some words of encouragement, some advice, or maybe a story of your own. Thanks for listening, whoever you are [Smile]

Posts: 206 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'll share in case you could just use someone else's story.

I left home at 15, in large part to get away from an abusive stepparent and effectively save my life and sanity. I saw him once a few years later when I was not really yet at a part in my healing process where I recognized just how abusive he really had been. So, that was not fun, but it wasn't as triggering as it would have been otherwise, because I was still in a bit of a trance with my life in that area.

Many years later (I believe it was in 1997 or 1998), I woke up one morning to find I was totally out of coffee. Without coffee, I am very, very brain-dead in the morning. So, I stumbled down the steps from my apartment, half-asleep, and across the lot to the local supermarket.

When I walked in, the glare of the lights was bad enough, but I also literally waked RIGHT into my stepparent, very unprepared for that happening, and still, not even remotely awake. I got a very fierce, hot jolt of anger, a lot like you're describing, I felt shaky, I felt...well, pretty homicidal, honestly. I also did, like you, think for a minute that wasn't really happening.

Thankfully for me, because I was so very not awake, I was without my usual internal controls and yelled in his face right in the market, including calling him some very accurate names, but the kind that make people recoil from someone who is being called those names in earnest. I also got to watch him run, fearful of me, for the first time in my life.

It was actually very liberating for me, but I don't think I stopped shaking from the whole thing for days. I also did feel myself kind of start to go numb, but had the same thoughts on that you did, and kept myself from going there.

For the record, I am someone who did move away, far away, from the city where that abuse and others happened. I moved for other reasons, but that stuff was a biggie, and I have to say that living in cities where I have no locational triggers for trauma, where I know it's so, so unlikely I'll see anyone who traumatized me has been really nice.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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