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Author Topic: Another divorce?
Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?
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My mom and biological father divorced when I was three because he was abusive. She then moved back to her hometown, where we're still living now. My father didn't decide to come see my brother and myself until we were 5 and 3, two years later. By that time, she was already talking to another man, my stepfather, and they've been married for close to 10 years. Well, four years ago his oldest daughter (now 17) started causing problems inside and outside of their marriage, and eventually, she chose not to come back. Now, his youngest daughter (now 14) is causing the problems, and my stepfather doesn't do ANYTHING about it. She's caused a BUNCH of problems and gives my mom no respect, at all. Well, after a bunch of crap happened last night, and he brought his girls back to their mother, my stepdad said that he wants us out of the house. We're still here at the house because my mom wants to give him a couple of days to see if that's what he really wants because she really does love him, even though she says she's not even sure why, but my mom is losing it. My stupid stepfather even slapped her, and because it triggered old memories, she beat him until he had bruises. (My brother nor myself saw. She just told me when she ran upstairs crying last night.) I've lost ALL respect for him. No one, no matter how angry they are, is suppose to hit a woman, especially my mom, who deserves so much more than she's ever had!

I get my license 3 weeks from today. I was worried about planning a birthday party, but I'm not even sure where we're going to be staying tomorrow night.. much less anything else. So for now, I really don't care. Because of my dad's visitation during the holidays and summer, I don't know if I would be able to hold a job, but I feel like I'm going to have to step up and help out physically, mentally, and financially IF they do file for divorce. I know I'm going to have to be there for my mom and brother; all she has is my brother and me.. and he's too young to really understand and help out much. I know I should take on day at a time, but that's a lot harder said than done in this situation.

What should I do if they get a divorce? Should I look for a job after I get my license, even though I'll have to take out 2-3 weeks at a time during various months? Do you think any employers that would hire me even with the visitation and everything? And lastly, do you have any advice for me- to give my mom, to give myself, and to give my brother? I'm trying to be strong because I have to be right now or my mom will just feel even worst, but I'm not even sure where'd we go or how we'd make it.

--------------------
Young and Dumb.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go." - Keith Urban

Posts: 243 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Hey! I just wanted to say that although I haven't been able to regularly keep up at the boards with posting, I have been reading about you and what you've been doing. I'm really proud of how you've handled the break-up. You sound like a really strong person with a nice group of friends whom you have a lot of fun with, and that's always special and often too rare. [Smile] (And, hey, we all have those tough moments even when we're feeling resolved otherwise.)

I'm sorry to hear about the pending/potential divorce. I'm sorry that things got so violent between your mom and stepdad. What's going on between his daughters and him sounds a lot like something a friend of mine went through. This is just so hard and something you shouldn't have to go through alone; the whole thing of not knowing is such a toughie. Seriously, not knowing where you'll be staying tomorrow night is really, really tough. (I wish you could just focus on fun stuff like birthday plans!)

Getting your license is a big step towards independence and freedom when you can (if obviously not the be-all, end-all or only option, of course!) Getting a job is also a good step towards financial independence, regardless of your family's finance situation but it does seems especially timely considering.

I do certainly think that you can find a job where you could work your schedule out; I know we're in a recession and that not all jobs are flexible, but I think you have options. Also, once you've had work experience and your boss knows s/he can trust and rely on you, your options grow. Plus, there are other things like babysitting that are more flexible from the start. What might you be interested in doing?

As for any general advice, I would just ask you to please keep in mind that it's not your fault as well as that it's not your responsibility to take care of your mom or brother. I know you want to and you can do a lot, especially for your brother, but I also want you to not feel the burden is all on you. I know you are strong and you can get through it, but it's also ok and natural to feel overwhelmed and stuff.

If your school has a social worker or counselor you could go to for support, especially if your living situation becomes very uncertain. You have rights to this assistance and people do want to help where and when they can; they just may not know you need it. Likewise, if you're finding yourself not able to do homework due to having to move or set up suddenly, chances are most teacher -- if not all, unfortunately -- are quite understanding and often willing to give you extensions and extra support. I would also recommend trying to do some more stuff out of the house when you can, be it at a club at school or just hanging with friends. That way it gives you a chance to focus on yourself and help distract you from the hard parts, although I know it's not something you can just push out of your mind.

And you're always welcome here; it's great having you share posts and advice. [Smile] I will leave a note for some other mods to please share their advice and experiences, too, so you can get some more feedback and viewpoints. :big hugs!:

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Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?
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Well, as of now, we're not moving. But I'm not sure if and how long it will be if we do.

Today has actually been one of those relaspe days when it comes to my ex.. I guess it's because we haven't had a real conversation for a week and half now, and that one only lasted five minutes. Plus, as stupid as this may sound, he moved me from number 4 to number 14 on his friends list on myspace. So, I guess I realize now we're not going to be able to be friends, even though we both said we would be. It's just kind of depressing... But I know now some days will be, and are, harder than others.

Where I go to school, we don't have a social worker and our 'counselor' rarely gives us the stuff we need to prepare for graduation and college, much less sit down and talk to us.

I talked to Mom about getting a job, and she said I don't need to do that. But she also didn't want me getting a job before recently, too, and she thinks that I should be out partying with friend and enjoying "being a teenager," which I suppose isn't all of a bad thin; so, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do on the working note just yet..

I found out that a girlfriend's mom is going to visit her oldest son that lives far off March 28th through Wednesday, April 8th, and she asked me to come stay with her so she won't be alone while she's gone. So, I'm probably going to be spending a lot of my time there, even through the school week. But I'm probably going to be leaving to go to see my dad that Friday, which something I'm not looking forward to; so, I'm sure I'll be overly depressed again. And so will my mom.

--------------------
Young and Dumb.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go." - Keith Urban

Posts: 243 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?:
Well, as of now, we're not moving. But I'm not sure if and how long it will be if we do.

I'm glad to hear you're ok for now and hope that something suitable works out.

quote:
Today has actually been one of those relaspe days when it comes to my ex.. I guess it's because we haven't had a real conversation for a week and half now, and that one only lasted five minutes. Plus, as stupid as this may sound, he moved me from number 4 to number 14 on his friends list on myspace. So, I guess I realize now we're not going to be able to be friends, even though we both said we would be. It's just kind of depressing... But I know now some days will be, and are, harder than others.
Hey, everything you say makes a lot of sense for it feeling like a "relapse" day with your ex. You're in a tough spot emotionally, and I'm sure he was someone to learn on for support with whom you had a strong, stable relationship with. Granted, things can change as they did; he still was an important person in your life then. That said, while the support is nice, it takes even more strength -- as you are doing -- to recognize things have changed, move on, and look elsewhere for the help. However, that doesn't mean we don't have wistful moments.

As for his Myspace listing, hey! I hear you about that hurting; it's quite a big deal in a way, because relationship+social networking site= the very personalized emotionalization of little computer tasks. It may just be a physical move but it has big emotional and social sides, too. I'm sorry to hear about that but, again, it sounds like you're going about this smartly.

quote:
Where I go to school, we don't have a social worker and our 'counselor' rarely gives us the stuff we need to prepare for graduation and college, much less sit down and talk to us.
Yes, unfortunately, this is all-too-often the case. However, if I remember correctly, you attend CCD? Your church would be an *excellent* place to look for support. After all, they're equally concerned about your emotional and physical well-being as your spiritual journey. Might there be a clergy member or other person you could talk to there? Additionally, if things really get bad, that is definitely a place you could look for help with housing and financial advice, etc. Just because someone has nice clothing and stuff doesn't mean a person isn't in need of or deserving of help. There are also very low-key ways your family could help food help, for example, should things come to that. And while your mom's support of you going for help is important, they are also there as other caring, responsible adults you can turn to and (usually) trust.

quote:
I talked to Mom about getting a job, and she said I don't need to do that. But she also didn't want me getting a job before recently, too, and she thinks that I should be out partying with friend and enjoying "being a teenager," which I suppose isn't all of a bad thin; so, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do on the working note just yet..
Waiting sounds good then. I have to agree that while "partying with friends and enjoying 'being a teenager'" is nice and good in theory, it's the last thing on your mind when other, bigger issues are on your plate. But it's good at least that your mom wants you to enjoy yourself, even if she's sending other more worrisome messages at times.

quote:
I found out that a girlfriend's mom is going to visit her oldest son that lives far off March 28th through Wednesday, April 8th, and she asked me to come stay with her so she won't be alone while she's gone. So, I'm probably going to be spending a lot of my time there, even through the school week. But I'm probably going to be leaving to go to see my dad that Friday, which something I'm not looking forward to; so, I'm sure I'll be overly depressed again. And so will my mom.
Staying with your friend sounds like a set-up that will really benefit both of you. I'm sorry that the visit with your dad, however, is not something you're looking forward to. How has that been lately?

Have a good night! ...or a good morning if you've already turned in for the night. [Smile]

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Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?
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How can I have so many problems? Why do they all have to pile up at one time? Sometimes I just don't understand why or how things happen.

My ex was definitely a support system. I mean, I still have my friends, but it's a lot different. His support was more personal, while my girlfriends usually just try to keep my mind off of things. Speaking of my ex.. I actually texted him earlier, for a little while anyway, to tell him about his cell contract ending this year. We argued a little bit, and then I asked him why he was being such a douche- ignoring me, acting like I'm a complete stranger, etc- and it basically boiled down to him not "knowing what to say." Am I not human? Can he not just talk to me like he talks to every other girl or guy? We're exes, not enemies. We talked almost every day for a year and a half. For heaven's sake, my mom still pays for his cell! (which btw, is because I told her not to turn it off because his family can't afford it.) I really want to be friends with him, but I know if we're not my life will go on.

CCD won't work, either. My church and the people in it, like my entire town, is basically a big gossip place, as sad as that is to say. Plus, my ex's mom is a ccd teacher, and he's in the same class as me. (You can imagine my excitement to go every Sunday..) I'm sure whoever I went to would say something to 'one' other person, who would say 'one' other person, who would say 'one' other person- bascially like high school. And my mom already talked to the priest today because she wanted advice about what to do with her marital problems. So, I'm surely not going to him. Plus, confession is already going to be fun when our ccd class goes to confession and my ex and I both confess that same "mortal sin"- premarital sex- especially since I haven't gone since eighth grade, before we had even started talking.

Things with my dad have actually been better since court in September (2008), but things with him can change really, really fast. Personally, I think he does and/or sells drugs, but that's a completely different story that I'm not going to discuss.. Since my grandma died on the 1st of this month, I'm not really sure he's going to still want to see us as much, unless my grandpa wants to see us. (I've felt on and off that it was my grandparents that wanted to see us most of the time, not really him. Who knows, though, I could be wrong.) But I'll be 16 soon, and at 17, the judge said I have the right to choose what I want to do; although, I'm sure when I turn 17 he'll say 18, and when I'm 18, he'll say 19.. until I'm 35. (I say this because he's done it since I was 11 or 12. Needless to say, I'm 18 days away from being 16, and I still don't have a choice. And honestly, I'm doubtful it's because of my maturity level.)

My stepdad didn't come home tonight, unless he's come home in the last 50 minutes, but it's 10:50pm. He works late some nights, but he told my mom he had to go do a bid and they were having a supper for him. I told her I thought that was a lie, but she said she doesn't care if it was or not. I'm really not sure if that's a good sign or not, but I believe she's sleeping upstairs again tonight..

Good morning/night/day to you, too. [Smile]

[ 03-10-2009, 10:53 PM: Message edited by: Typical Young and Dumb Teenager? ]

--------------------
Young and Dumb.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go." - Keith Urban

Posts: 243 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Hey! Sorry to have taken so long to get back to you after you replied so speedily, but last week was pretty intense for me; as much as I want to continue conversations here, sometimes it just gets temporarily too hard with everything else going on. [Smile]

quote:
Originally posted by Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?:
How can I have so many problems? Why do they all have to pile up at one time? Sometimes I just don't understand why or how things happen.

A friend of mine said something to this last week that I found incredibly helpful: "But big bad things often have echoes... like aftershocks in earthquakes" but that isn't to say that things won't get better. Sometimes the bad things do happen together because they are interrelated, sometimes by chance, and sometimes the stress of a big thing or two makes everything seem so much harder. You are dealing with some really tough stuff but are getting through it. [Smile] (And, hey, you don't have to be perfect, just make it, and I know you're doing better than that even!) And, hey, the birthday countdowns and other things are the sweet points that make it a little easier to slog through the hard stuff. Life is pretty hard; it's something that binds us all together. Some people just get dealt a worse hand, at least for a time.

quote:
My ex was definitely a support system. I mean, I still have my friends, but it's a lot different. His support was more personal, while my girlfriends usually just try to keep my mind off of things. Speaking of my ex.. I actually texted him earlier, for a little while anyway, to tell him about his cell contract ending this year. We argued a little bit, and then I asked him why he was being such a douche- ignoring me, acting like I'm a complete stranger, etc- and it basically boiled down to him not "knowing what to say." Am I not human? Can he not just talk to me like he talks to every other girl or guy? We're exes, not enemies. We talked almost every day for a year and a half. For heaven's sake, my mom still pays for his cell! (which btw, is because I told her not to turn it off because his family can't afford it.) I really want to be friends with him, but I know if we're not my life will go on.
It's really tough to lose our support system. It sounds like you have other friends to count on but it's not quite the same. What about developing those friendships more or looking elsewhere for other closer friends? I think it's a good sign to want to stay friends with an ex after a break-up but it honestly sounds that you may need some more time. Generally, it is best to restart that friendship when our feelings and caring are more platonic again; sometimes it takes that break or distance to get back there.

Additionally, I think it would be wise for him to start paying for his own cell phone; as kind as it was of your mom to do, your family really needs the money now, too! He can get a job if he needs it. Plus, as someone who'll admit she's been looking at some of her interpersonal relationships in a bit too cost analysis way.... we can't and shouldn't put prices on people, but we also need to look at how money ties us together and can cause strain. He might feel compelled to answer the phone and be there for you because your mom is paying, and that's not the best situation for either of you...

quote:
CCD won't work, either. My church and the people in it, like my entire town, is basically a big gossip place, as sad as that is to say. Plus, my ex's mom is a ccd teacher, and he's in the same class as me. (You can imagine my excitement to go every Sunday..) I'm sure whoever I went to would say something to 'one' other person, who would say 'one' other person, who would say 'one' other person- bascially like high school. And my mom already talked to the priest today because she wanted advice about what to do with her marital problems. So, I'm surely not going to him. Plus, confession is already going to be fun when our ccd class goes to confession and my ex and I both confess that same "mortal sin"- premarital sex- especially since I haven't gone since eighth grade, before we had even started talking.
Wow, that's a lot to deal with! It makes me a bit sad to read this, because I like to think of your place of worship as being a place you can to for support and understanding. Is there not at least *someone* there whom you could talk to confidentially, such as a priest or even the church secretary? Obviously, CCD is not the place, unfortunately, but I think there could be others. And is there a way to go to confession earlier to, uh, at least get some of the biggies out of the way? I say this so it at least your group outing feels a little more safe for you. There may be some very conservative clergymembers out there but there are certainly more openminded, understanding ones, too.

quote:
Things with my dad have actually been better since court in September (2008), but things with him can change really, really fast. Personally, I think he does and/or sells drugs, but that's a completely different story that I'm not going to discuss.. Since my grandma died on the 1st of this month, I'm not really sure he's going to still want to see us as much, unless my grandpa wants to see us. (I've felt on and off that it was my grandparents that wanted to see us most of the time, not really him. Who knows, though, I could be wrong.) But I'll be 16 soon, and at 17, the judge said I have the right to choose what I want to do; although, I'm sure when I turn 17 he'll say 18, and when I'm 18, he'll say 19.. until I'm 35. (I say this because he's done it since I was 11 or 12. Needless to say, I'm 18 days away from being 16, and I still don't have a choice. And honestly, I'm doubtful it's because of my maturity level.)
This sounds really tough. At 18, *you*, not the judge, gets to choose how much time you spend with your father or ANYone for that matter. It seems that the judge does not have your best interests in mind, which is too bad. What about checking out a group like Al-Anon or Alateen for some support from others who know what it's like to have a parent dealing with addiction?

quote:
My stepdad didn't come home tonight, unless he's come home in the last 50 minutes, but it's 10:50pm. He works late some nights, but he told my mom he had to go do a bid and they were having a supper for him. I told her I thought that was a lie, but she said she doesn't care if it was or not. I'm really not sure if that's a good sign or not, but I believe she's sleeping upstairs again tonight..
I'm glad to hear in your more recent post that this seems to be ok for now. I hope it continues to get better; just please remember that while it involves you, it's not at all your fault.

Have a good night! [Smile]

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