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Author Topic: just need help
SnailShells
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Well, I had a hard day today.

First of, my boyfriend and I decided to be on some kind of break, just being friends for a while (it's complicated, and I'm starting to worry we're sexually incompatible...part of me thinks it shouldn't be important), and we both ended up feeling terrible about it. We're going to talk things over tomorrow. It felt like a messy breakup.

Second--and this is the real bombshell--I just found out my dad has cancer. My dad's a tough old goose and it's hard for me to think of him as mortal. It makes sense, looking back--he'd been going to an awful lot of doctor's appointments, been feeling sick for a while, my mom's been stressed out and teary--but I still can't fully wrap my brain around it. My parents waited to tell my sister and I until finals and winter break were over. He was very cool about it and seems unafraid and collected; his chemo has been going spectacuarly well thus far, his prognonis is good (if cancer could ever be called 'good') and his doctors are confident. He's going to keep working and doing everything he used to--he sees this as a bump in the road, and doesn't want any pity-parties.

It's just been a surreal day. Any advice/words of comfort/anything would be helpful [Frown]

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I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. --John Waters

Posts: 206 | From: Bay Area, CA | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
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Hey SnailShells. I'm sorry to hear about your father and your boyfriend. [Frown] Do you know what kind of cancer he has? A lot of cancers have incredibly good cure rates, especially if caught early. It's also a really great sign that his doctors are so confident. If you have any questions and don't feel you can ask them of your parents, we're always glad to answer them if we can.

It sounds like things are really piling up on you right now so I hope you can take some time to yourself to grieve, rest, do whatever you need to to feel okay. With the break from your boyfriend, you might consider it a good opportunity to spend some extra time with your family. I understand your dad not wanting pity-parties, but going out to see a movie together or talking a walk in the park could give the two of you some good bonding time, and provide both of you with support.

Hang in there. We're here if you need to talk.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SnailShells
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Thanks orca <3

He has colon cancer that's spread to his liver, and he says it's serious. However, we have a great doctor working with him and he says my dad is very strong and healthy and has been responding very well to chemo so far--he's a little fatigued but not getting very sick from it. We'll find out how effective it's been in March. He's got a really great support system--one of his best friends is a cancer survivor, and they've been spending a lot of time together. I recently found out that one of my parent's old friends is undergoing treatment for breast cancer right now, it's so crazy. My mom said she's here for me if I ever need to talk. And I think a walk in the park or something to that degree is a great idea [Smile]

Honestly, I'm staying away from researching it. I don't want to wig myself out or get obsessive, because I'm prone to do that and I know every case is highly individual. Right now I find that talking to my mom and learning the details of his treatment is some kind of solace; it makes me feel like I have some idea of what the hell is going on.

As for my boyfriend...I don't know about a break or not. He's emailed me saying he feels the breakup (which I didn't even know was a real breakup) was a mistake and that he needs me back as more than a friend, and is very upset. I can't tell if I need his support/we need each other's support, or if I/we just need some time to breathe right now [Frown]

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I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. --John Waters

Posts: 206 | From: Bay Area, CA | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
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Snailshells, I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. I'm glad to hear that your dad has such a good support system there for him, that's a very important thing right now. Knowing your personality from other threads on here I'm sure having you around has helped him a great deal as well. That's great that he's responding well to chemo. We'll all be hoping for the best results for him in March.

Often times researching something on your own can bring up more worries than anything, I agree that for now knowing where he stands from him and your mom is probably best. It's good to hear your mom is being really open with you about everything, it helps the whole family to come together better as a support system knowing the same things.

As for your boyfriend, it sounds like the two of you really have a lot of talking to do together. It's understandable to want to turn to him for support, but at the same time it sounds like you should take a little bit of time to really put your own thoughts and feelings in line first.

Why not take that walk in the park you mentioned and really get a little time to think on some things before you talk to him, then you two can sit down together and see where each of your stands. Most importantly though, you need to know what you want and can handle right now. Even if you say you need time to breathe just until you figure out where you stand on everything, and that with you wanting to be there to support your family in everything you need to know that the decision you make is your own.

[ 01-19-2009, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SnailShells
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First I'd like to thank everyone for their support [Smile] I really appreciate it.

I have a rather delicate situation--my dad is currently in the hospital recovering from dehydration. We've found out that his white blood cell count is low, so he's in a kind of quarantine. My mom is in a bit of a predicament.
My aunt (my dad's sister) is something of a "cat lady", and doesn't have the best hygeine habits. She considers cats as clean animals, which I really don't think they are (especially when they are half-feral and not seeing a vet regularly). Although my aunt has done her best to be supportive and helpful, my mom doesn't think she should be seeing my dad in the hospital if it's going to possibly compromise his health. My aunt also gets offended easily and often ignores or becomes aloof around people for a spell who offend her as punishment. How can we break it to her gently that she needs to shower and wash up at our house (she has a jacuzzi tub but no working shower) before seeing her brother? [Confused]

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I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. --John Waters

Posts: 206 | From: Bay Area, CA | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
NonStraightAnswers
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Can you blame it on the doctors? Even if she regards cats as clean, she ought to acknowledge that they produce dander to which some people are allergic. Do you think she'd accept the idea that, "the doctors said we should avoid exposing him to any potential allergens just to give his immune system a break"?

Good luck to you and your dad!

Posts: 63 | From: DC, MA, IL, IS - changes every couple years | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SnailShells
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Just posting an update, and I need to vent.

My dad's been in the hospital for over a week now, and it's been hard on us. He went for dehydration on my boyfriend's mom's advice (she's been absolutely amazing--she's a doctor and has been such a friend and source of positive energy and optimism for us); he was feeling very ill and she came over to evaluate him and give advice. I know hes coming home eventually, but it seems like as soon as one problem is solved another one comes uphe may have to go in for surgery soon for something Im not quite clear on. I visited him today for the first time and he was very frail although he was in good spirits. I really miss him [Frown] My mom has been visiting him twice a day at the hospital to keep him company and care for him, but as she is a stay-at-home-mom I'm not used to her being gone regularly for extended periods of time. I'm used to her being home, available to drive me places and cook and talk with me. She tells me all about how he's doing and what the hospital is like, but sometimes I really dont want to hear about it and although shes told me to tell her when I dont, I feel like her telling me is a kind of talk therapy for her and Id feel bad telling her I dont want to hear about it. Hes getting better but is still weak and not eating, although hes desperate to get out of there and makes sure my mom has his pajamas, robe and umbrella in her trunk in case he gets released early. Im sure its hard on him being so helpless when hes used to being the provider and coming to the rescue of everyone else.

I've been feeling depressed and anxious lately. Not severely, but enough that it makes it harder to concentrate and go to sleep and not feel a bit restless all the time. My health hasnt been awesomeIm still getting over a virus and Im coughing a lot, Im getting headaches and my jaw is making an obnoxious cellophane-noise near my left ear. I've been falling behind in schoolwork--I prioritize classes more than ever, and in classes that aren't of top importance I find myself not doing assignments on time and just not trying hard. My sister and I took the day off from school yesterday (with our moms permission) to rest and just take a break. On Saturday I had a mini breakdown--I woke up to a call from my mom telling me she was at the hospital and couldn't take me to my drawing class. While I was home alone I had something of a tantrum--crying and screaming and railing about how unfair it was (I'm not really sure what 'it' is). I wanted to tear down the house but didn't do anything destructive--the most violent thing I did was unplug an alarm clock that wouldn't stop going off (and God help me, the battery in it didn't stop it from ringing!). I let off a lot of steam and I was an emotional raw nerve after (and felt bad when my boyfriends mother called and asked if I needed a ride to the class half an hour later).

Ive noticed I have a lot less sympathy for other peoples dramas. When I hear about how ____ is whining about being ughhh sooo stressed out to the max/hates my life because Spirit Week is coming up, or how ____ got a haircut she didnt like so screamed at the hairdresser then went home and cried for four hours until she threw up I just want to slap these people. I normally just roll my eyes/laugh and move on; I have less and less patience for people who fall apart over insignificant bulls*** while I have to deal with Actual Problems. I know I shouldnt judge, but Christ on a Bicycle its hard for me not to hate people who consider an imperfect haircut to be a life-threatening catastrophe. Im not good friends with anyone like this, but just hearing it through the grape vine puts me in a bad mood; luckily my closest friends are in a similar space and we can vent together.

I also talked to my mom about getting fitted for a diaphragm soon. She wasn't super jazzed about my bringing this up (not that she didnt want to hear it, but she made a slightly pained face) and asked me to wait to have sex, and I assured her that sex is just not something I want to deal with right now and that I'm aware that the freedom of college is coming up. She wasn't thrilled about me wanting a diaphragm--she reminded me that the pill is a lot more effective, but I explained to her why I chose that method (no hormonal side effects, women who use diaphragms tend to have a very healthy cervix (especially important to me now that theres a history of cancer in my family), I dont intend to use it as my primary method, it's a physical thing I can know is in and working, I'm not wigged out by my genitals and have been using my Diva Cup fine for a long while); she questioned me to see how much I know about them ("You do know you have to leave them in for a while after?") and told me that she hadn't been fond of hers when she had one. But she said she was glad I was thinking about these things ("As a growing young lady," and she thinks it's good to consider these things for college) and I'll be talking to my doctor about choosing a gynecologist at my next appointment. I feel so grown up [Razz]

Blah, that's it for now. Thanks again for everyone's support so far [Smile]

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I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. --John Waters

Posts: 206 | From: Bay Area, CA | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SnailShells
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Why does everything just fall apart all at once.

My boyfriend just dumped me over the phone. More and more my family is finding out who our true friends are, and who is just going to jump ship. I'm hurt--the person I expected to be a huge source of support ended up being one of the later. I'm not desperate to get him back, I just wish I didn't feel like such an idiot for expecting him to stick around through this.

[ 02-26-2009, 08:12 PM: Message edited by: SnailShells ]

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I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. --John Waters

Posts: 206 | From: Bay Area, CA | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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