I'm reading a great book for sexual abuse recovery ("The Courage To Heal"), and I'm on the chapter on sex. While reading it, and in relation to some other things going on, I realize that if something goes "wrong" during sex (if I lose momentum, if something hurts, or along those lines, if my boyfriend accidentally hurts me, if my boyfriend takes too long to have an orgasm...) I get really angry. The other night I got so angry I had to stop altogether. I was seething, because even though we had been at it for a while, I felt really dry, and he hurt me without meaning to. I started crying with rage, and immediately, though I rationally know this is the case, I felt I was being used. With the orgasm thing, he takes a lot longer to orgasm than I do, and sometimes, when he finally does, I feel like it's pathetic, or like he's selfish for taking that long and making me keep going. Like, "I knew it all along, male sexuality is just pathetic". His penis sometimes disgusts me too.
I'm pretty sure all of this has something to do with everything my father did. Maybe because I was powerless back then, and didn't express any anger at all... I even smiled through it. Not even my father expressed anger while he was abusing me. But I wish I wouldn't be angry when I'm with my boyfriend (I'm not even really angry at him, just at the situation). He's the complete opposite of my father, even physically. Which brings me to another pattern I have to break. Sometimes, even if I don't want to continue, I keep going just to give him an orgasm, because I feel like I owe it to him. He's been so wonderful to me, that I feel I owe him that much. When I told him that I've never faked an orgasm, but I have faked interest in order to please him, he got very sad and told me I shouldn't do that. Which got me even angrier at myself for thinking the only way I could make it up to him for his being so great is by giving him sex. I space out a lot during sex too. I don't know if this is normal, is it? I start thinking of other things, or don't feel much at all, or I do but with some other fantasy in mind instead of what I'm actually living.
So... yeah. I just needed to talk. Any thoughts would be nice.
-------------------- "Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera Posts: 410 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: Dec 2005
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hi nailo. i read through your post a few times and i want to start out by saying i'm sorry for the things you've had to deal with, and are dealing with now. i know it sounds trite to say i'm sorry, but i am. i've had similar situations and they're not easy. now, i'm by no means an expert, but i do want to say that it sounds like any anger you may have at your dad is spilling into other areas of your life...into your sex life and love life. more than likely it's also spilling into other areas (but if i'm wrong, just let me know) such as school, friends, family, work, etc. my boyfriend has a lot of anger issues. he grew up with an alcoholic, drug addicted mom who did everything from scream at him to beat him and throw lit candles at him. he was homeless for a large portion of his life. he's living with a friend now, and learning to deal with his past and his anger is a long process that started a long time ago and is still going on. so understand (as i'm sure you already do) that there isn't an instant fix, and i can't really tell you what will fix it for you. what i do know, though, is that you should be really thankful for your boyfriend. from what i can gather, he seems really patient and understanding, which can be hard. a lot of times when my boyfriend blows up at, or even just around me, i get frustrated and feel the urge to blow up at him too. i guess a question i might have here is why do the things you've mentioned here make so you angry? you understand that these aren't things that should make you angry (frustrated, annoyed, maybe but not as angry as you describe) but they do make you angry. why do you get so mad when he takes longer to orgasm? why are you disgusted with his penis? if you can't stand basic male sexual parts, then maybe you aren't ready to have sex with him. a red flag that pops up here for me is that you keep going when you don't want to...you say he "makes you"...is that true? does he make you, or do you just not say you want to stop? either one is unhealthy for you both. you don't *owe* your boyfriend sex, or anything...besides respect and basic human kindness, which it sounds you really are trying to give him. you faked interest to try and please him...that's the wrong way to go about it, but i can see you really want to make him happy. the fact that it made him so sad shows that he really cares too, and wants to make you happy. you shouldn't be angry at him...the fact that he's even with you shows that he doesn't think you owe him, or need to make anything up to him. he thinks you great, or i can't think of any reason for him to be your boyfriend. the biggest issue here sounds like a lack of respect for yourself, which is the number one thing you need whether you're in a relationship or not, sexually active or not. every human needs self respect. if you're interested in talking about it, go ahead and let me know- either here, or message me. i'd be happy to talk to you. i don't think i can really give you any specific advice without knowing a little more about the situations, thoughts that go on during the moment, etc. but i would love to help as much as i can. hope that i've helped out, even a little bit! mel
Posts: 15 | From: indiana | Registered: Jun 2009
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