Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » showing up unannounced

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: showing up unannounced
Nailo
Activist
Member # 26390

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Nailo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I turned 18 in November, and I told my father I didn't want to speak to him again. Since then, I have only spoken to him once, in January, when my mother and step-dad pressured me and gave me a huge guilt trip in order for me to see him one more time. I was suicidal for weeks. That kind of was a hint to my mother that she really shouldn't force me into seeing or speaking to him, so since then I've had absolutely no contact with him. Yesterday, the penultimate night of my musical, I walk out on stage to find that he is sitting in the front row smiling at me, next to my grandmother. I held it in as best as I could (though my solo song was a bit of a mess because I was breathing too fast- I felt very unprotected out there alone with him there) during the first act, and had a big cry in intermission, despite some people in the cast telling me I should have held it in until the end of the show (which would have been 10 times worse). At the end of the show, I was told that my grandmother and my father wanted to speak to me, so I sent the director and the lead actress (who offered to beat him up for me [Razz] ) to tell them I wouldn't speak to them. They left, but I'm sure my mother and I will be getting hell for it now. I already warned her to not dare to make me speak to him again.

What will happen now will probably be the same old story- blackmail, constant phone calls and emails... That's not what I'm worried about, I can ignore all of that. What I am worried about is about what I can do if he just shows up like that again. I have never felt healthier now that I don't have contact with him, but that doesn't mean he's not a creep who will show up during my plays where I can't ignore him easily. I had been trying to prepare myself psychologically for the event that he should do that, but it was still a huge shock to actually see him. I feel bad and angry at myself because I gave the other 90 people who showed up to see the musical a lot less than my best because one person in the front row was making me hyperventilate. I do have to say though that by act 2, after I had cried my heart out, my voice and breathing were back to normal and the show was practically seamless. But I don't know what to do so that I can keep functioning normally while he's in front of me. It's been the hardest test of my acting ability to sing and dance and smile in front of him and try to act like it didn't matter.

--------------------
"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

Posts: 410 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
atm1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 37835

Icon 1 posted      Profile for atm1     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The only thing I'd point out as a possibility (and this will be easier if you've kept the emails as records) is that you could get a restraining order against him. I don't know the details of your situation, so I don't know how possible it would be, but that's the only way I know to make sure he can't surprise you.

The only other advice I have is making it very clear to all members of your family that seeing him is traumatic for you. I've had the experience where people don't get why it's upsetting when I unexpectedly run into my rapist, and then I tell them "Well, it gives me flashbacks, makes it so I can't breathe, and I'll have a 50/50 chance of puking right there on the sidewalk." So, for me, saying exactly how I felt made people respect my feelings more once I clearly state them. I don't know if that's an option for you to do with your mom or grandmother, but if it is, it might help them "get it" a tiny bit more.

All of that said, I'm just so sorry you had to go through that. I know what it's like to have to try really hard to hold it together while on stage (I was in a play with my rapist when he assaulted me). It's awful, and I'm sorry you had to go through it.

Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Nailo
Activist
Member # 26390

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Nailo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you, and I'm sorry you had to go through that too... Unfortunately, my grandmother will never understand or even believe why he makes me feel this way. Her son is perfect. Furthermore, you should just turn the other cheek, just like she did when my grandfather would beat her and her children. You should always, always let your family into your house, no matter what state they're in, like when my uncle would show up drunk to our house when I was little. My father is simply an affectionate man, and I should kiss him and be happy. I shouldn't worry if he yells at me and threatens us, like he did over the phone to my mother in front of her- he had a hard day at work.

Yeah, my whole family is messed up.

As for the restraining order, I don't know... the legal system here in Costa Rica kind of sucks. I've even been advised against charging him wish sexual abuse because: I have no witnesses, the worst of it stopped a while ago, and since I've kept good grades this whole time, people would find it hard to believe I've had depression issues.

--------------------
"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

Posts: 410 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Oh, Nailo. I just saw this.

I'm so upset/frustrated/pissed off on your account.

In terms of problem,-solving, even if you didn't intend to get a restraining order, do you think a letter to your father restating that you do NOT want to see him ever again, and that if you do, you WILL file one (even if you don't intend to) might work?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Nailo
Activist
Member # 26390

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Nailo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
No. I don't even want to send letters. First of all, sending a letter would mean contact, and I would have to get a reply, and the last thing I want is for his twisted mind to think we're making progress because I'm actually communicating with him. No matter what I say, it will not change him. He knows very well I don't want to see him, and considering how slow the legal system is here, I don't think a restraining order threat would do much. He's never cared about my feelings enough to stop him from doing what he wants. I guess in the future I'll just tell the people from the theatre group that he is not allowed to reserve seats or to be allowed into the theatre... I hope we have good security.

--------------------
"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

Posts: 410 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3