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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » I need...

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Author Topic: I need...
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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This is a place to simply voice a need.

Maybe you just need someone to remind you that you are a person of worth and value when you've been having a tough time. Maybe you need help being directed to a given resource or avenue of help. Maybe you need a pointer towards reaching a certain goal.

Obviously, we may not be able to meet or help with every need here, but we can certainly try, and we can always certainly just listen when anyone needs to just voice a need they have that they don't feel is being addressed anywhere else. Sometimes it can be tough to have our needs filled and sometimes even tough to just have them heard and recognized as important.

So, the only rule here is just to start with "I need..., voice your need and let us know if you want some help.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Serenity18
Activist
Member # 27614

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I need help building up my self-esteem. I don't know how to do it on my own, and could probably use a couple resources and books to read or something.

I feel like I've made my happiness completely dependent on my partner, and it's chasing him away. I realized all this yesterday - it's like a little light bulb went off, but I'm not sure exactly how to stop being so dependent. I figured building up my self-esteem might help with that, and it certainly can't hurt in general.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Serenity: one thing I know has always been good for mine is doing what I can to help others, particularly out of trouble-spots I've been in myself. Do you do any volunteering?

In terms of reading, one book that I know really helped me with that in high school was "Revolution from Within" by Gloria Steinem.

As well, what do your personal goals look like? For instance, where do you see yourself in five years? What do you see yourself doing? Are you doing things which get you on that track right now?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Serenity18
Activist
Member # 27614

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No, I'm not doing any volunteering. I hadn't thought of it as a possibility, but it's a good idea.

I'll definitely check that book out. Thanks!

Honestly, it feels like I don't really have any goals, other than finishing university. I'm studying psychology, and it's interesting, but I don't know if I want to make that my career. I can't imagine myself in 5 years, and I'm really unmotivated.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Might it help to kind of look at your life goals beyond just your career? For instance, where might you want to be living? Do you see yourself living alone, with friends, with a partner? What might your social circle look like? Might you travel in the next five years? How about doing something you've always dreamed of doing, even if they seem really whimsical or impossible?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Serenity18
Activist
Member # 27614

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Should I answer those questions here, or are they just questions I should think about/answer for myself at home?
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eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

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You can answer them here if you like ;-p

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Serenity18
Activist
Member # 27614

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Well, I won't go into crazy details because that would just get too long, but you've helped me put things into some perspective Heather. Despite my career goals being really iffy right now, there are other things in life. I'd love to travel, and to meet new people. I'm hoping to live with my partner, but we're taking things slow so we'll see. I want to try to get more involved at school this year too. Hopefully I can do all these things.

Thanks for the help! I'll leave this space open for others now [Razz] .

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Dolphins_Cry
Neophyte
Member # 36415

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I need to learn to forgive myself for past mistakes.

I can't keep living my life in the past and feeling guilty and ashamed about everything, even little slip-ups. I have to realise it's ok that I'm not perfect even though that goes against every fibre of my being [Razz]

[ 08-14-2008, 05:10 AM: Message edited by: Dolphins_Cry ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I, just this week, was going to dig up some writing I did when working on the summary for the book two years ago where I got on a tangent about mistakes and how everyone f's up sometimes. No luck finding it yet, but it's here somewhere, and when I find it, it'll be one of the next new pieces.

It's tough being a perfectionist: I hear that. I fall more on the side of being an overachiever than a perfectionist, but they have common threads, and both create pretty harsh standards that pretty much no one human can live up to. It also makes it mighty hard to really enjoy life.

I know for me that that always seemed to be steeped in a history of esteem as well as vulnerability issues as well as some of how I grew up: feeling that in order to be worthy (of anything and everything), I had to work harder than anyone else,do things right more often than others, the works. If I was perfect, it'd make it tougher for anyone to have anything to pick on me with. But it's enough to drive you mad.

You're human. That's cliche, sure, but it's true. We are, by our very nature, imperfect. Not only is that okay, it's part of how we learn.

Where do you feel like that guilt and shame comes from? That kind of inner-standard-holder who won't let you be accepting and forgiving of yourself: what's she all about and where is she coming from?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Dolphins_Cry
Neophyte
Member # 36415

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I really have no clue. I have incredibly low self-esteem; I believe I'm fundamentally worthless so I feel like, to justify my existence on this planet to other people, I need to be perfect, otherwise I'm just a waste of space. I don't understand where it came from because my parents were always supportive and encouraging of whatever I wanted to do.

I am, quite simply, my own worst enemy. Nothing I do is ever good enough by my standards, and if I stuff up, I mentally beat myself up for weeks (or months or years, depending on the circumstances)! It's so much a part of me now that I don't know if it's even something I'll be able to change, not to mention I'd have no idea where to even start.

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eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

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We all have the potential to change if we want to (and I can tell that you want to [Smile] ). Here are some ideas:

Ask your parents and friends and everyone else who cares about you, what they like about you. Get them to tell you what you're worth to them. We can never hear too much of that stuff, IMO.

Imagine that your best friend thought that she/he was worthless. What would you say to them? Would you believe them?

And my favourite one- Stuff things up on purpose. Wear unmatching socks. Hand in an incomplete essay 2 days late. Crack out some weird dance moves. Do whatever it is, but make it way below your normal standards. Does anyone notice? Does the world come to a standstill?

Also ditto about the volunteering that Heather mentioned above- great for improving your self esteem.

[ 08-15-2008, 09:36 AM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Blue Koi
Activist
Member # 39785

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Dear Dolphins_Cry:

I need to tell you that I've been there sister/brother! For me, I thought my urge to be perfect came from my desire to be perfect for my parents, from my need to prove myself to everyone! BUT, like you, my parents are super and have always supported me, so how is this contradiction possible? Like Ayn Rand said, "Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong."
I started to see myself in a new light: I realized that I wanted to be perfect because I wanted to prove MYSELF that I am worthy. I wanted to be perfect because I am a driven individual who wants to perform at the best of my ability. I thought if I satisfied the ideal, if I beat out all my competitors, if I got the best score on the test, then that would mean I'm living life to the fullest, that I'm taking advantage of every oppurtunity better than anyone else. Yes! My parents taught me all the important things-to challenge myself, you push my limits, to try and touch perfection, to strive to be the best that I can be, BUT I was drawing the false conclusion that I should beat myself up for not reaching that perfection. As I realized the TRUE reason why I was feeling so bad about myself, I realized it was not important to be perfect, but to focus on developing the reasons WHY I want to be perfect.

I don't believe you're worthless. I don't think you do either. A worthless person would not want to seek help (like being brave enough to speak up about your problems!). A worthless person would not want to strive to be perfect because a worthless person gives up and does nothing to help themselves. A worthless person does not try to improve (which you are by coming here!). See, you are a driven person who not at all worthless. You are trying to ACHIEVE things. Even if you mess up, that's okay. The important part is that you're trying.

I just needed to share my experience.

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"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."

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