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Author Topic: emotional abuse? hard break up? need support
bella330
Neophyte
Member # 34587

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first off, im not sure this counts as an "abusive" relationship post,but i couldnt post in the 'relationship' area of the msgboards! sorry!

being dumped is hard. here goes [Frown]

so me and my (ex) bf had been on a rocky road for a long time, ever since i went off to college and we tried the long distance thing. after many arguments, many about him smoking - i have a problem with this (smoking pot, not cigarettes) and he told me he quit when we started dating. turns out this wasnt true and he had been lying about it. i found out twice he was lying about it, but he just promised again and again he'd quit, but he never did.

so its summer now and im home from college so i went over his house one day before work and he got a text from his friend, asking him if he still wanted to smoke/buy weed. of course, i got angry and just left his house. later, he came to pick me up and drive me to work like we had planned earlier, since i had no car and he had already agreed to. his younger brother (freshman in HS) was in the backseat, and when i got into the car, we started arguing about what happened earlier. i was very heated b.c. he lied about it so many times before and i felt like he was lying more to my face about it earlier, and during our argument it became pretty apparent (i didnt realize it at the time) that he smoked weed - something his little brother didnt know about, and that my (ex) bf definitely did not want him knowing about.

so when i got dropped off, i also got two texts from him: 'im not picking u up. im dumping u for saying that in front of my brother so f**k u u b***h' and 'honestly any1 would kno not to say that in front of a younger sibling that doesnt kno. we're f**king over and ill never take u back. i dont give a s**t who u are anymore'

obviously, i was very upset and left work early after crying to my manager about "personal" issues.

the next day, i went over his house in the morning to give him back his stuff from my house. i apologized and told him i still wanted to be with him (despite all his lying...ugh). he said he had made the decision never to be in a relationship with me again and that was final. i told him i would do pretty much anything for another chance, like giving him a few weeks of no contact 'space" for him to get over it more/cool down/forgive me, etc. he said he needed a month and a half, and that we could be friends then and see what happened after that. i told him i didnt want to wait a month and a half for a "maybe" chance, since no contact is tough for me to deal with. he thought about it, but said he stll couldnt guarantee me a chance because he had already decided not to give me another one, and even saying a 'maybe' chance was a big deal for him. but i kept pushing and nagging and basically bullied him into the agreement that after a month and a half, we'd try dating for a week, and see if he wanted to continue it. a side note is i also asked him if he was going to do stuff with other girls during this time, and he said he wouldnt pass up the chance if given it. i started crying and he got tired of it and said fine, he wouldnt, but of course i dont kno wat to believe.

so right now its been..4 days of no contact, and the plan is he will contact me sometime between july 15-18th to break this silence. im doing...ok i suppose, sad of course but it could be much worse. the only problem is, the only reason i think im doing 'relatively ok' is because i think that in july, everything will be okay again. but realistically, it wont be because after a month and a half, he will be completley over me and perhaps forget about me to some degree and wont want to be with me anyway because thats wat he said before. and he said he didnt want a relationship to begin with, and i dont think that will change after a month and a half of his new "freedom" - we have been dating for 15 months, btw. but i cant help but hold on to the hope that in july, things will be okay again and we would get back together. and i need to accept this or else i wont really get over him and ill just be waiting until july, and then get hurt all over again when he doesnt want to be with me then either. sometimes i fool myself by saying that im not really looking forward to july b/c of the possibility of getting back together with him, but the fact that we can be friends again. but im just lying to myself and i kno the real reason is that its a chance to get back with him. but logically, i kno there is no chance. i just cant get myself to believe or accept it and it really hurts

i guess im just looking for advice or insight, or even personal 'stories' of how to get over someone and to truly accept that its over. and of course, support. ideally, id wish to get over him completely by that time in july so that i wont get hurt, and if he wants to get back together, then thats great but if not, i dont get hurt again. right now im still hurting a lot and missing his hugs and talking to him, but one of the few things that makes me feel better is the fact that i partly believe that in july, we have a chance of getting back together when we dont because i basically bullied him into it and i cant make someone want to be with someone else when they dont.

also, feel free to ask me anything (within respectful reason please) and i will definitely respond [Smile] thanks for reading this far, and i would appreciate anything u have to say.

Posts: 21 | From: boston | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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You know, in relationships, we absolutely get to have boundaries that should be respected by a partner. If taking drugs is a deal-breaker for you, that stating this and upholding it is perfectly valid. Your partner chose to ignore this, cross the line and lie to you about it several times over, and that's pretty crappy behaviour.

However - if you are going to have boundaries, it's your responsibility to enforce them, and to act accordingly if they are being continually ignored. If you can't handle a boyfriend who smokes week (and, really, I get you there: that's one of my total deal-breakers, too), and you're with someone who is clearly not going to stop smoking weed, then it's about time that you take the logical next step and end that relationship.

Honestly, the guy doesn't sound like he's any good. He lied to you repeatedly and he verbally abused you in those text messages (which he had no right to: if he wants to keep his drug addiction from his family, then he should quit taking drugs - this is not your secret to keep). On the other hand, him stating that you two shouldn't get back together was likely spot-on. You just don't seem like a good match at all and there's no point in continuing a relationship where you're constantly backing down on a boundary that's clearly important to you.

So, what now? I would suggest that you do not get back together with him. He clearly doesn't want the relationship anymore (and you're right, you can't force someone to be in a relationship they don't want to be in) and you'd be much better off without him, as well.

And how do you get over him? It always takes time to deal with a break-up, no matter what kind of a relationship it was. So give yourself that time. Keep yourself busy - hang out with friends, take up a new hobby, re-read a favourite book, etc and just try to get back into your life. It will get better eventually. And it will likely also get easier once summer's over and you return to college.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bella330
Neophyte
Member # 34587

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logically, i kno that we arent going to get back together, and that *even* if we did, it wouldnt be a good idea because of all the reasons mentioned. but i really cant get my head around it and truly believe it cuz of that one tiny shred of hope (that realistically, isnt even there in the first place).

this is taking a toll on my health and my job, and i need it to get better soon...sigh

Posts: 21 | From: boston | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It might hep to just recognize that very few people stay with one partner their whole lives from start to finish. Also, when we're younger, breakups tend to be a bit more common, especially if we're inclined to forge serious relationships quickly (as we often do when we're young), rather than date more gradually before going there so we can really weed out (no pun intended) who is and who isn't someone that we're going to be a good fit with over time.

For instance, you know now that for you, smoking grass is a dealbreaker. So, next time around, you're probably going to be a little more likely to make that clear from the start and if you discover a person you're dating is a smoker, to not get deeply involved with that person. You're not going to be as likely to argue about it incessantly: you'll just know you have a limit there, and move on.

You might also just look at all you posted here and realize that this wasn't a very good relationship, period. Being out of an unhealthy or unhappy relationship isn't a loss: it's a benefit.

Lastly? I'd suggest making a clean break, here. This business of revisiting things strikes me as little more than a way to torment yourself. Even if he changes his mind, why would you want to be back in all of this, and how could your life, health or your job benefit from you being in it, rather than moving on and starting fresh? I don't see or hear that there was really a friendship here, so trying to make one doesn't make a lot of sense to me: make friends with people who will act like a friend. It might be best for your emotional health and for you to have some real resolution to remove this option of you waiting for him and make clear that you, too, are just done with this.

And next time? When someone says they are just done, you really need to respect that. part of that has to do with respect for that other person, but part of it is also about self-respect and dignity. You're right: you aren't going to benefit from nagging or bullying someone into a relationship with you they don't want, and neither are they. Either of you should only be with someone who strongly wants to be with you, as well as being someone where both your lifestyles, limits, boundaries and relationship goals mesh well.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bella330
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Member # 34587

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this is just hard to deal with on a day to day thing , knowing we were supposed to see each other adn go to certain events together, and now that will never happen

u are right, we were never friends - we started dating soon after meeting each other, but i only want to talk to him as a possibility of getting back together but i know its not happening. its so hard to accept and move on

Posts: 21 | From: boston | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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..and it's going to stay hard, gal, if you keep trying to draw it out like this.

He clearly doesn't want to be with you anymore, and clearly, he's not someone you really want to be with, either. It's sounding to me like you're a lot more attached to the idea of the relationship than to what it is and was in reality, and to who this person is in reality.

You're right: those things will never happen now. That's okay. Change is a constant in everyone's life, and we will often make far-flung future plans, of our own or with others, that won't come to fruition. Future plans are always a maybe, because our futures are always a maybe.

I think when you can take the step to close the door on this and really look at how lousy it got, and how clearly a poor fit the two of you were and are, rather than hoping for a relationship that even if he came back, you'd likely never have, it's going to get a lot easier.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bella330
Neophyte
Member # 34587

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i just really need to keep hearing it and have continual support for the next few weeks. any advice on that? many of my friends are away all summer, and he was the one i wouldve spent my time with
Posts: 21 | From: boston | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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My kingdom to have a summer that was suddenly wide open with tons of time for myself!

Seriously, that's a pretty cool opportunity, and a great time of year to find yourself with extra time on your hands.

Why not do things you might never have done before, and where you don't have to have a shared interest? How about a cool internship or volunteer job (also great places to meet new people with common interests)? Maybe some mini-trips just for you, where you check out places you've been curious about? What about picking up a new skill -- you can even learn something that seems pretty outrageous, like fire-breathing, aerialism, tap-dancing, scuba-diving or snorkeling, who knows. The sky's the limit.

Really, when the weather is brilliant, having unexpected time for yourself can be a serious gift. Take advantage of it!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bella330
Neophyte
Member # 34587

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its been a while, as an update.. i dont feel any better. ive started taking antidepressants, which im not sure is the best idea but i feel like i have nothing else to lose. bleh.
Posts: 21 | From: boston | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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