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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » she decided to leave me

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Author Topic: she decided to leave me
Member # 31701

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Me and my ex-girlfriend had been together for about 3 years, before she decided to leave me just recently, before we even started dating, we were best friends, and still were until recently, she was not only my first girlfriend, but my first, real friend, the first and probably only person i could open up to or tell anything to, and i think it was the same for her, like we were both kind of antisocial loners, until we found each other.

Then everything was different, we all of a sudden had each other and we could tell each other everything. nothing has ever made me as happy as she had.

I think, that ive depended on her, to make me happy for so long, i cant really be very happy with anything anymore.

Anyways, after a few months of dating, i moved, to another town, an hour away, and for a while it was just devasting for both us, but we got through it together, and dealt with it, and we got through so much together, and dealt with so much, but it was okay, cause we did it together. after a while, i became really moody, and i would be mean to her sometimes, but usually i was pretty nice. then like a week or two ago we didn't talk for a few days, and when we did again, she told that she got high on cough syrup with some guy, that led to a lot of fighting, and we didn't talk for a few days again, i had tried to get a hold of her plenty of times, but never could, when we finally got to talk, she told me that she was still doing the cough medicine, and also routinely kissing this guy, she snuck out with him one night to get high, and got caught when she went back home by her dad, so now shes grounded, and we hardly ever talk.

But in that week or so that we didn't talk, she changed, she no longer cares about us, about making things work out, before that week she would've done everything she could to make it better, but now she would rather party, or hang out with her guy friend.

Since this has happened, i really feel like like I've changed, I've had to see things from her point of view, and she now fills my role as a jerk, most of the time we talk now, i just cry, and she doesn't care, or she sounds annoyed, i can understand though, i used to do that sometimes to her.

But now that I've been enlightened, that I've learned not to take her for granted, it's apparently too late, she tells she doesn't want to go through it again, and she loses her chance of being with this other guy, and her chance at having a normal teenage life, and either way has to hurt someones feelings, she says I'm more important than him, but it really doesn't seem so.

I know if she gave me another chance, things really would work out, but she just wont, i think though that if we saw each other again, it would help everything. Everyday, i begin to resent myself even more, for learning just too late that she might not stick around forever

[Edited to include paragraph breaks because I just couldn't make sense of this otherwise -- HC]

[ 05-06-2008, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

Posts: 11 | From: oklahoma | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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Richy: I don't know what exactly "being mean to her" entails, but when one person is mean, cruel or abusive to the other sometimes, or even once, being nice at other times doesn't mitigate that. When people treat us badly, it's sound for us to want to get away from them. That's simply us acting in a healthy self-interest to survive and take care of ourselves.

So, it's unsurprising she would want some distance away from you, and what I'd suggest is that you consider giving her that space. You could use your time on your own to become less co-dependent, since you're expressing an inability to be happy on your own which is pretty essential for healthy relationships. You could seek out opportunities to find other friends besides just her: having only one person in our lives for company and support doesn't tend to be healthy for us or that other person. You could use that time to do whatever you need to to learn better ways of behaving: again, I don't know exactly what went on here. You could give her the time to explore what she needs to right now, and consider what she wants, rather than feeling pushed to have to talk to you or work things out when that isn't what she's ready for or wants. She could use that time to evaluate any behavior of her own which is destructive or self-destructive.

Until both of you do those things, even if it turns out you do share a desire to be back together, your relationship isn't likely to be any better than it was, nor will you behavior in it likely change. So, what I'd suggest is some time apart, even without talking for a little while. I'd also suggest that you try to accept the fact that it is entirely possible you two may not be a couple again. Even if time and some work does change things and you are, for you to have a healthy relationship, it has to be about making each other happy, treating each other with care, and wanting to be together, rather than being isolated from everyone else and dependent on each other for needs that you need for fulfill by yourself, with a social network AND with a partner, not just with them.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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