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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » alone and sad

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Author Topic: alone and sad
eryn_smiles
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I feel like i'm at a roadblock. My parents and relatives are pressuring me to find a man and marry. Theyve already found a few more for me to meet.

I'd like to meet someone very much. And its women that i think about the most. So i went to this GLBT group. Each time i go, its hard to walk in the door, i cant really explain why. I think im ashamed of myself. The group is full of guys. Nice, understanding gay guys. But still guys. And i enquired about a group they run which is for 'questioning' young women. Apparently its cancelled this year due to a lack of interest!

Im moving back home next year. And its going to be harder to resist my family's pressure. I feel like this year is all i have to sort myself out before i need to head towards marriage.

I feel lonely. So lonely that sometimes i look forward to marrying just because then i'll have someone close by to talk to. So lonely that i started to miss the man that i broke up with, even though we didnt go together at all. I stupidly tried to contact him.

I am distanced from my parents. I am a burden on my friends. I cry on their shoulders, I eat their meals, but i find it hard to listen to their troubles without feeling jealous.

I know that no-one will really want to be with someone desperate with low self esteem like me. I dont know how to like myself more. I volunteer to help younger students. I think i give my all at work. I care a lot for my patients. I hope that if i care for people as much i can, maybe someone will care for me and want me. Maybe thats selfish. But its how i feel.

Any advice about how to improve my self-esteem?
Any ways to meet women? (i dont do bars/clubs/drinking...)

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sundial
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Hey eryn smiles,

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, and I'm sorry you're feeling blue. I only have time for a short answer right now, and I hope others will give their perspective as well. I think it sounds pretty unreasonable to expect or hope that you will be able to figure out these issues/find a relationship before you move back in with your parents. I hope that you will give yourself some time and space to figure these things out, and that may mean talking to your parents to let them know what you are ready for. And good for you for joining the LGBT group - they sound really supportive. Good luck. [Smile]

Posts: 47 | From: San Francisco, CA | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sundial
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Here are a few more thoughts now that I have more time...
Have you taken a look at this article?
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/to_be_awesome_or_just_be_tips_on_making_the_most_of_your_life_right_now
Like the article says, there are lots of ways to boost yourself, and what works best will really depend on you. On the one hand, small concrete things like a new hairstyle or a new workout can sometimes help. On an emotional level, you sound like a very caring doctor and a caring friend (which is fantastic). I think you really deserve to treat *yourself* with an equal amount of kindness and care, and that includes speaking kindly to yourself. It's normal to feel lonely sometimes and to seek out friends and support. But, in my opinion, thinking of yourself as a "burden" or "desparate" really isn't being very caring toward yourself (those words are pretty harsh and emotionally loaded - would you refer to a good friend that way?). On a more practical level, thinking of yourself that way is not helping you to feel the sense of connectedness that you seem to want. Of course, it is really hard to change our internal thoughts, but I think you will find it is worth it to keep at it. It sounds corny, but keep reminding yourself about all of the things that you are really good at, whatever they are. If you feel lonely call an old friend or a relative to catch up; they can help you feel connected and keep things in perspective too.

I hope you meet some interesting people and have fun dating. Remember it is just as important for you to figure out who YOU like, as it is for your date to figure out if they like you. [Smile]

[ 04-09-2008, 12:11 AM: Message edited by: sundial ]

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eryn_smiles
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Thank you for your kind reply sundial. I did read the article. Its interesting, the bit about achieving independence. In a way its great to have financial freedom and live away from home. And in another way its really scary to know you have to pay bills and loans because there isnt anyone else to do it for you.

I know its not a kind way to think of myself. But my deep feeling is that im needy and desperate, even though i dont show it on the outside. I really want people to like me- i mean as friends and romantically. I find it hard to say no. I feel pretty undesirable so i dont really concentrate on what i like in people. I just consider myself really lucky when someone seems to like me.

Its kind of sad that i cant think of things im really good at. Im pretty average at medicine and thats when i work very hard. I've never had much of a social life. And i think its time for that to change. Otherwise i could definately see myself working my life away.

Yeah, phone calls are expensive but i did facebook some old friends :-)

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cool87
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You said you can't think of things you are really good at but you're in medecine so something is telling me that you must have been really good in school or otherwise I don't think you'd be where you are today. Think about all the things you've accomplished, be it simple little things or bigger things, I'm sure there's a whole list of them. You could try making one.

You also said you care a lot for your patients, I don't think you would have said so if you weren't somehow good at it. Don't you also feel good sometimes after helping a certain patient, relieving his/her symptoms, after prolonging some patient's life or so, how's that making you feel ? Not everyone is able to do so.

Too, may I ask what makes you think you're undesirable, is that because of your low-self esteem ? If so, just know that it doesn't define the person you are and doesn't make you any less worthy of friendship or love. We all got our own issues anyway, if that's not low self-esteem, then that's probably something else.

[ 04-11-2008, 03:46 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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eryn_smiles
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Hi cool, thank you for your support.

You're right, I was good at school. But that was 6 years ago. At the moment i get borderline passes. And its hard for me not to equate borderline pass with borderline doctor. Its great to be able to help patients. Its cool to be able to teach people about managing their own health. It seems a huge responsibility to carry sometimes though.

I think im undesirable mostly because no-one has shown much interest or asked me out in the past. Other than the odd indian married man (who received a firm no!). But the guy my parents introduced me to did seem to like me ok. Sometimes i think that the only way i'll find a partner is if my parents set it up.

Im not so brave to ask people out myself. Especially women. Its just i know that my family wont approve. I guess i dont give people much of an opportunity to find me either. I work during the day and dont go out at night. Im trying to change that.

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Heather
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Hey eryn: I'm wondering how much of how you're feeling has to do with trying to still kind of wedge yourself into a married,heterosexual life -- or have that be looming -- when, as I understand it, you're still thinking that you're likely lesbian? When I hear that you have a strong interest in meeting women -- rather than men -- that reinforces that feeling for me.

And it can certainly take a toll on anyone's esteem to feel like you either are or will have to be faking a life in some regard, or having to pretend to be someone you aren't. Being in the closet and not dating the women you want to likely compounds that by also not yet having what you want in that regard, either. If you're still feeling ashamed, that's also going to be a BIG part of low self-esteem.

I personally think that at some point, the b iggest issue for you to deal with is going to be dealing with your family. I can't imagine having to make the choice you will -- I've had a lot of life experience and advised a lot of people, but this is one of those things just very out of my ken -- but soon enough, you are going to have to choose to either be honest or potentially sign up for a life or marriage you just don't want and where you won't be able to live authentically. Knowing you have to do that soon has also got to weigh on you like nobody's business.

Know those gay guys from that group? Chances are good that while there were not women AT that support group, they have FRIENDS who are lesbian women. Even if there's not a love match there, I think you could use a friend or two who really understand and have at least the shared background anyone who has gone through sorting out being queer does have. And the way you'll help patients pretty selflessly, but also to help yourself? Those of us who are "family" when it comes to being gay, lesbian or bisexual will usually do the same for someone else struggling. So, you may want to go back to that group and just talk about needing some kind of connectivity with other women: chances are at least one of those guys will help get you connected.

Might you also consider looking into some counseling, one-on-one? I think it might be a real boon for you.

Where exactly are you again? I want to see if I can't help find you some other resources this week.

[ 04-20-2008, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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eryn_smiles
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Hey Heather,
I do feel like there's a conflict inside me. Logically i know theres nothing to be ashamed of. Im fine with other people being gay. But im not fine with me being lesbian. It feels wrong. I feel like i should 'fake it until i make it' with a man. And yeah, i know thats not very fair to the man concerned.

Spoke to my parents tonight. I couldnt deflect them. Im going to meet up with another man and his family in the next couple of weeks.

But the part of me that thinks about women won't let up. I talked about options with guys at the group and an advisor at uni. One mentioned how some people have open marriages (get married and have families while also having a gay partner)- that's not an option i can handle. They suggested staying away from my family long-term to buy some time to work things out- but i've already confirmed with my parents that i'll be close to home next year. Anyway, being away from them doesnt stop them setting me up with people.

Finally the guys suggest just coming out to my parents. But i think that a person should come out when they have a sense of confidence and acceptance about themselves and some kind of certainty about who they are. I am really far from away from that point. What if i come out, upset and distance my family and then realise a lesbian relationship isnt for me at all? I get that peoples feelings change thoroughout their lives. But my family just isnt that open-minded in these respects.

On the other hand if i dont come out, i need to keep meeting men. And sure i can be friendly towards them if they're nice people. But taking it further than that may be hard.

If i go out with this man and also attend the GLBT group and maybe meet women, am i deceiving him? Or is it my business alone? Is this an important thing to discuss with him at the very beginning of our relationship (knowing he may well tell his parents..)?

I am looking into couselling. A counsellor at uni is referring me to an outside counsellor who is lesbian. Hope it helps.

Thank you for making an effort to understand. I appreciate it.

[ 04-20-2008, 07:16 AM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

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Heather
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I'm in agreement with you. You can't dismiss your cultural situation when it comes to coming out either. Just like it's one thing to come out in Chicago and another in the middle of a small town in Wyoming, coming out to a family with such strong and huge cultural barriers to being gay is a pretty big undertaking. I'd never advise doing it alone, for instance, and certainly not when you already feel so fragile.

I do think, though, you might want to rethink moving back with them next year.

We really can't fake the stuff you're thinking about to a point that suddenly, who we are changes. It'd be an issue of either pretending for a very long time or not. Again, I cannot fathom what that's like, and I certainly don't see your average man signing on to arranged marriage who is okay with it being open (save that certainly, there must also be some gay men in the same situation you are, no? Signing on to marriage with both of you knowing it's a lifelong friendship, not a romance or sexual relationship is possible, though it certainly seems like a serious long shot).

When you have one date with someone, you're never obligated to tell them everything about you or disclose you're dating others. In my book, that's your business, absolutely.

I'm so glad you have a GLB-friendly counselor in the works. I think that alone may help a LOT.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Just one more thing, eryn?

I know that you are having a hard time liking yourself, but if it helps, I know that I can say at least one person really likes you (and lord knows, I'm sure there are more). You're one of the users here who when I read this stuff about you and the spot you're in, it just breaks my heart because you're clearly such a great person with a whole light of light and love, and while no one would deserve these kinds of struggles, it's doubly tragic because it's clearly all been really dampening that light of yours.

I really doubt you burden your friends. We hear all about your troubles here, too, and I think I can speak for all of us who have talked with you in saying we don't feel burdened. While I'm really, really hoping your situation can get better, I'm always glad to hear from you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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eryn_smiles
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What a lovely thing to say. Thank you [Smile] Im in New Zealand, btw- less said the better.

After reading a certain post in "Ask Scarleteen" I've decided to stop complaining for the time being and be grateful for my healthy arms and legs. Perspective can be such a good thing, you know?

[ 04-21-2008, 05:33 AM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

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