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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » scream it out... (Page 1)

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Author Topic: scream it out...
hs123
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So here's a quick update... Besides the whole crohns bit, the therapy is going great. I don't think about what happened nearly as much, and flashbacks seem to be no more (crossing my fingers!) I still have sleep trouble, because I think about everything at night before I'm about to go to sleep, and I still sometimes wake up in the middle of the night... Besides that, the main thing is depression, which I've been dealing with since I was young anyways, but this seems to have a worsened it a bit...

So the actual focus of this is... When I talk to people about how I'm feeling, people who don't know what happened, generally speaking, people I'm very close with, I find the words surfacing. I find myself wanting to say that I was sexually assaulted, and I find it happening more and more often.
I was talking to a really good friend and I was talking to him about my depression, and we were just talking about all the things in my life that have added up to make me feel this way. Everything except for the sexual assault, but I wanted to tell him sooooo badly...
SO, what do I do? Do I tell him? And if I do, how do I do it... I know this is similar to a question I asked earlier, I'm just extremely nervous about it... But I keep thinking about telling some of my closer friends... Afterall, I don't want to put all the pressure on my ex-boyfriend...

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Heather
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Really, this is a good thing. Feeling more and more able to break silence, and more and more like you want to is a positive.

Personally, I'm pretty plain about this, but then a) I have been telling people about having been assaulted for two decades and b) I'm very visibly, publicly "out" as a survivor: heck, it was included as part of an interview with me in a Seattle newspaper last year for everyone and their uncle to know.

So, when I tell, it usually just comes down to "I have survived rape and abuse," with whatever other factors I want to talk about or the other person asks about, or are relevant to the context in which I'm saying that. I don't usually get into details, since there's just no cause to: those details aren't really about me, nor really even is the assault. It's the surviving and healing that's about me.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hs123
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I told my friend...
After one sentence I felt like I was gonna throw up...

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hs123
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Can someone just tell me if that's normal...?
Also, he started prying a little bit, wanting to know what happened... I didn't tell him much, I told him I was uncomfortable talking about it... I think that's okay, but I feel like I'm hiding things from him, things I don't want to hide...

Even though I feel sick about having spilled my "secret" but in a way, I also feel like a weight has been lifted of my chest.

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Stephanie_1
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Everyone reacts to telling others kind of in their own way. Being nauseous is definitely normal (and really the way someone reacts isnít really abnormal, more individual).

When I was raped, I felt like I couldn't go home. I didn't want my parent's to know. I went to a friend's house and stood in the shower until she came and made me get out. She told me the water was freezing (but I don't remember it turning cold). I do remember sitting down with her and talking. I couldn't talk about a lot of the details ... I could barely talk about it at all. After talking for a few minutes I felt really nauseous as well. I remember running out of the room and getting sick Ö she didnít make me talk any more that night. She took me in and tucked me into her bed. I remember waking up a lot during the nights for a while too.

When talking to people about what happened, itís fine if you canít talk about it all at once. Your friend asking you questions mean he cares about you Ö and wants you to know that you can come to him. And itís perfectly fine to tell him that talking about it makes you uncomfortable. Talking to people about what happened to you will happen in your time when youíre ready. Whatever you tell another person should be about what youíre comfortable sharing Ė and you may share more later with them, you may not. Itís up to you. But that feeling that a weightís been lifted Ö thatís good. While itís a difficult thing to talk about, itís definitely a difficult thing to keep to yourself. Breaking the silence is a great thing.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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hs123
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It hurts so badly to talk about it. But i want to sooo badly. I just don't know how to say things without people freaking out...
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oOo Lea oOo
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I completely understand what you are going through. For YEARS I couldnt even say the word "rape". I was 15 when it happened and I was around 19 (i think) when I finally wanted to tell someone, needed to tell someone, to help relieve some of the pain I was feeling. I just didn't know how.

Here's my very first post on this site, it explains my story and some of what I went through. I am "relivinganightmare". I don't know why I changed my account here??

http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?/ubb/get_topic/f/28/t/002369/p/1.html#000000

I really hope it helps. [Smile]

--------------------
And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?
Atreyu

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hs123
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THanks, it actually hasn't been that long since it happened... I try to remember that when I tell myself everything should be moving faster...
I don't really remember the date, and I don't want to, I just try not to keep track of how long it was... I think I was seventeen then (it was right around my 18th birthday) and I'm 18 now... hasn't even been a year...

My friend has actually been really really great, and I think it's taken a lot of pressure off of my ex boyfriend/current best friend, so he doesn't have to always be on call for me... My friend has been great though... When I told him I kept asking, "do you think of me differently?" and he kept saying "not at all, you're the same you, I just understand where you're coming from with your feelings now"...

That was actually the conversation I had with him last night... This has made me appreciate all the people I have in my life... I always focused on the quantity and not quality of my friends, and now I realize that just 2 close friends makes such a difference...

I'm still uncomfortable talking about it on the phone or anything... I usually email about it because it's easier to write it out, and they're both really understanding when I call and say, "hey check your email!"
I'm glad I have them, and ultimately (at least I think ultimately) I'll be glad I told them...

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Stephanie_1
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Honestly, the best way to really come to terms with whatís happened is to get it all out in the open. That statement means a lot of different things to a lot of different people, so I leave it for you to interpret what you need to do to really deal with whatís happened. For a long time I didnít want to have to tell people what had happened because I really thought theyíd see me differently. I think if anything the only thing they saw differently was perhaps some reasoning behind some behaviors I had that may have seemed irrational to them at the time. I was told to keep a diary around and every day (or anytime I felt I needed to) I should write in the diary. Feelings, thoughts, hard moments in the day, flashbacks, and nightmares Ė anything at all I needed to put out in the open went into it. At the end of the day I would fold that dayís sheet of paper over so that I only had to look at what was written if I wanted to Ė and I could share it with others if I wanted and only the parts I wanted them to see (if any). It helped me a lot to be able to write my thoughts down and it gave me a way to really sort out what I was thinking.

Itís great to hear that you have such supportive people there with you. Itís really helpful to have people to talk to Ė and if e-mail is the way in which youíre most comfortable talking thatís a great way to go. As you begin to heal youíll likely find that talking with those that know (and even telling others as you feel you want or need to) becomes a bit easier. For me it became much easier to talk with my friends that knew the moment I was able to really switch the blame to him for what he had done instead of me for decisions that I had made. With their willingness to listen and talk with you about whatís happened, and additionally the support theyíre giving you Iím sure youíll find that you truly are glad you were able to talk with them. It may take some time Ö but youíll see it. Iím so happy to hear that youíre doing well and making such great strides!

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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oOo Lea oOo
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I'm really glad you are dealing with this well [Razz] I found it easier to talk online about it than in person as well. I first began talking to really good online friends who I had spoken to for years and created a bond with. Not everyone around me knows what happened, but it's easier to deal with now knowing that I"m not alone and if I need to spill about something on my mind, or if I have a bad dream and need to talk about it, it's nice to have someone there who knows whats going on to help me through it. Just lending an ear works wonders! In your case, an eye. Maybe It'll get easier to discuss it more openly with these people face to face in the future, but go about it at your own pace [Razz]

Good luck, hun!

--------------------
And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?
Atreyu

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hs123
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Today, my sister asked me if i was raped. She was telling me something about a friend, and I made a comment, that it was rape. And she asked, "how do you know so much, have you been raped?" I know she doesnt really think I have been, but it was the weirdest moment of my life. And I know I haven't been raped, but I didn't no what to say so I just started laughing to put her off...
I feel so bad for lying to everyone. Even if it's just a lie of ommission. And I don't understand why it's so much easier to tell friends than it is to tell family... I'm pretty close with my sister and mother.

I want to tell people, but I'm not good at it, and I don't trust people with it. I don't trust that people can keep this to themselves...The friend I told a little while ago keeps telling me I need to report it, but I don't want to. He keeps telling me to tell my family, but I don't want to.
I feel very torn.

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hs123
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I just have to rant because there's not much more I can do at this point... A friend once told me "life's a b&^ch and then you die" and im really starting to feel that way.
It's like nothing is looking up, nothing is getting better, things only seem to get worse and worse. Its like theres nothing to look forward to anymore... When does it end?

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orca
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You know, whether or not you report it is entirely up to you. There's no urge for you to report if you feel it will be too difficult for you. On the other hand, I've heard that for some survivors, reporting it can be a good way to cope with it and to help get over it. Really, that's your judgement call. If you think it will help your recovery, then do it, if not, then don't.

You also don't have to tell your family until you are ready either. My sister was raped by a friend when she was young (13 or 14?) and she never told us until a couple of years later. I only found out recently that my mother was molested by a teenage boy whenever she was really young, too (12-15). She never told anyone else, not even her sisters, and I can't for the life of me figure out why she told me of all people. But it was their choice to tell us, and it should remain their choice just as it should remain your choice.

Why are you feeling so bad today? Did something happen? Do you want to talk about it? Or can you call a friend and talk about it?

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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hs123
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It's not whether or not I feel like I can report it. If I thought it was worth it I would, but I'm not gonna report it unless it's to like, prosecute or whatever... And how's this for a case? I was assaulted by a random man in a public restroom, and I didn't see his face, couldn't hear his voice because I was screaming so hard... It's not worth it to me... What am I gonna be looking for? A faceless man?

I'm in a bad mood because my sister's home from college and she's a total and complete b97ch and she knows it, and when I'm around people I'm relatively close to, I feel like I should tell them, but I can't... SO it just makes life harder on me. I don't like the feeling of not being able to say waht's on my mind.

Moreover, I'm just upset. SOmetimes I let it get to my head too much, and it just upsets me. I should really stop overthinking everything so much, but I can't... And to top it all off I got put on steroids this week because of my crohn's disease, which makes me extremely agitated...

UCH...
But, thanks for asking... Nobody ever really asks me how I'm doing or why I'm doing it, and all that, and it's actually nice...

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orca
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Do you think it would help to just get out of the house for a bit and hang out with a friend? Or can you talk to your mother about your sister's behavior? Or possibly bring it up at the next therapy session? Also, if/when you do decide to tell your family about it, perhaps in a therapy session would be a good place to tell them so the therapist can help to explain some things about it and sort of mediate.

I'm sorry if I offended you. I absolutely didn't mean to. I do hope you feel better.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Stephanie_1
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I can certainly relate to the feelings of being with your family and wanting to tell but feeling unable to. I never told the police because to do that my family would find out. I used to fight with my mother all the time when we were around each other because Iíd want to tell but thought sheíd be furious with me Ö so I fought with her Ė did everything I could to push her away from me. I stood in the shower for a long time that night, and soon after burned the clothes I had been wearing. While I probably had a case I ruined it to keep from being forced to tell the police by anyone. But I can tell you that a case is a case, weak or strong Ė and itís your decision whether or not to tell. Someone violated you Ö and you did nothing wrong.

It wasnít until recently that I finally told my mother. And just as I knew it was time, youíll know if and when youíre ready to share with your family members (or even just one). If itís helping you to have people to talk to here, thatís great. Sometimes it just helps to be able to speak with people that have been there. Just know that youíre not alone Ö and while itís really hard to deal with now Ė it does get easier. Itís just that itís a one step at a time type of thing. Take care of yourself and if you need to talk Iím around. Hope you feel better hon.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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hs123
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Orca, I'm so sorry I gave off the impression that I was offended, because I most definitely was not.
It does help to talk about it here, I just don't want to annoy people with my comments... I always feel like my talking is bothersome to people, and the only real reason that I can talk to my therapist is because I pay him to be bothered by me...
In all honesty, I don't really think I have a case. Even if I did, I don't really feel like going through the trouble...
It just always feels like 2 steps forward 1 step back... ya know?

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orca
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No worries. [Smile] It's always hard to tell these things over the internet and I just wanted to make sure I didn't say something to hurt your feelings. I'm glad I didn't. [Smile]

You're not at all bothering people with your comments. Feel free to talk on here as much as you want. That's what this place is for. So long as it helps and you feel comfortable, you should post on here. Besides, sometimes it's just easier to say things that are really troubling us over the internet where we have some anonymity rather than face to face.

As for whether or not you have a case, perhaps you could ask your therapist what he thinks? If he is specialized to deal with sexual assault cases, then he should know and he would also know how much you can handle in terms of the process of going through with it and reporting it. It can be a tough process and it may or may not be triggering for you, so you'd definitely need all the support you could get if you wanted to go through with it.

--------------------
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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hs123
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The thing is, I don't have much support HERE, meaning, my friends who know all live out of town. I'm not originally from here, so I'm not so close with a lot of the people here, and being that it's my senior year and I'm about to leave, I don't plan on getting tons closer...
Also, the gossip circle here is huge... Unbearably disgusting...

My therapist has been great. I hardly ever have flashbacks anymore, I haven't had one in...gosh, maybe a month... And nightmares, well, as long as I don't push my thoughts out of my head and try to avoid it all, I don't have them.
And I do consider it a huge step that I was able to tell my other friend. And I'm actually really proud of myself for doing it. I don't think he realizes how hard it was for me, but I'm glad I did it.

Again, with having a case, well... I know I don't really have much of one, I mean, again, chasing "a man" whom there are many of... lol... I'm not denying that what happened was bad, I went through that phase... I told myself that as long as I wasn't raped it was really all okay... But it wasn't. It's just that, legally, it looks like nothing... I showered like, 6 times after I came home, I washed my clothes... Even if there was evidence, I probably destroyed it all.
My friend keeps pushing saying that maybe there were security cameras, but I honestly don't want to deal with any of that. For the good of people everywhere, I would like for this person to not be out there, but for my sake, I would like to not have to deal with it.

Sometimes I feel like a really bad friend. Like I'm always extremely self-centered. But I think I've finally started to realize that I need to take care of myself before I can worry about other people, and it's okay to do that. I've always been the type of person to worry about others before myself, but right now, I think I just need to worry about myself...

I feel really really bad that I don't really have the guts to go to the police... And maybe I could save others from this pain, but I don't feel like going... I dunno.. I'm pretty confused right now, and that's frustrating.

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orca
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You're right. You need to worry about yourself first before you can worry about others. That means that you need to worry about how you are going to feel going through the whole process of reporting it rather than worrying about what may or may not happen to other people you don't even know. You shouldn't feel bad about that. It takes a lot of guts to be able to come as far as you have come in your recovery and that is something to be very proud of.

It sounds like things are going pretty great in your recovery. You should really celebrate yourself and congratulate yourself for how well you are doing. Maybe write a log book of all the good things about yourself and the amazing things you've done and when you are feeling really bad you can take that out and look at it.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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hs123
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Eh, I wish I could do a sort of book like that, but I find that often times when I sit down and write things it makes me actually think-- as pathetic as that sounds...
I try to stay busy...

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Stephanie_1
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That doesn't sound pathetic at all hon. People deal with things in very different manners. Some take a heads on approach and really stare the facts in the face (so to speak) but many people tend to find other ways to keep their mind busy with other things.

Ideally you may find that because this is your personal technique that you can keep things organized and where you need them until you are ready and fully prepared to face them in a different way. With your counselling appointments I'm sure you'll learn different techniques to really come to terms with what's happened. Congratulations on the progress you've made thus far ... you're realy making large strides in the right direction.

--------------------
"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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hs123
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I told another friend. Even though I feel glad that I did, I'm really depressed, and I've been really depressed.
Sometimes I wonder why he didn't just kill me, and sometimes I wish he did. I know that's not the healthiest thought.
Sometimes I feel like lying in bed all day, especially since I've been sick, now that I'm getting better, I just don't feel like getting back into things. I feel like lying in bed.
Sometimes at night I say it over and over to myself "I was sexually assaulted, I was sexually assaulted, I was sexually assaulted" still in shock of it, and hoping that it will become untrue somehow.
Things, even little things seem to go bad for me. Nothing seems to go okay anymore. Even little things, even the pettiest of things go bad.
I want to go to a therapy program this summer. I mean, I do and I don't. I guess I'm thinking about it. I want to spend time with my friends before I leave, but I also just want to be a happier person. There are no good programs for people my age.
I just feel so down all the time.

I forgot to add, to top it all off, my sex drive has been out of control. One day I'll feel repulsed by the thought of and sexual contact, and then the next I'll feel like I can't live without it. It sucks.

[ 03-22-2008, 10:38 PM: Message edited by: hs123 ]

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Stephanie_1
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Hs123,

Iím so sorry that youíre having such a hard time right now. What I can promise you is that as time passes, and as you fight on through the hard days, it becomes easier to deal with. Those mornings when you feel like you should stay in bed Ö you really should do something for yourself that makes you remember how important life is. Someone doing that to you is never okay!

Sometimes it helps to think of the fact that youíll never let that person win. You survived Ö and being a survivor Ė while it comes with itís bouts of pain and memories Ė is a super important thing. Even when you feel like youíve lost, youíve won. And you broke the silence. Iím so proud of you for that. Itís so difficult to tell someone that youíve been sexually assaulted Ö and even saying something on the message board here and telling your friends sends that message that itís not ever okay to do that to another.

Feeling depressed I can promise you is normal. As you continue to work through the memories and the knowledge of what happened that too begins to become less and less. And remember that while you may feel alone, youíre not alone. And you donít have to deal with this alone either. Anytime you ever need to talk you have a place here.

A key to it all seemed to always be that when things seemed to be going badly all of the time Ö you just stop and take a moment to look around. Look at a picture you love, watch a bird flying through the sky, even looking at a flower or trying to see a figure in a cloud above your head. Sometimes just taking a moment to really remember that thereís beauty in the present day around you somewhere Ė you just have to look to find it. Youíve taken a lot of major steps and I know itís been extremely difficult for you to do so. Every day taken one step at a time Ė but youíre here and weíre all so glad he didnít kill you hon!

Spending time with your friends is a great idea. Also, if you feel you're ready for a therapy camp I say go for it. You may find that the people you meet there will be great to bond with. Many people find that it's much easier to talk to people knowing that their lives are similar ... helps you not to worry so much about what people are thinking when you talk. If you ever need to talk remember weíre always here for you.

[ 03-22-2008, 11:12 PM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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hs123
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I just wanna give up, lie in bed all day, and forget it ever happened.
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hs123
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Thing is, even though I feel like I need to talk, I talk and talk and talk about the same things over and over, and it makes nothing better.
No matter how much I talk about it, or what I talk about, it never seems to help at all.
It's all this endless search for happiness which doesn't seem to exist.
I don't know what to talk about anymore, because I feel like talking about anything is worthless at this point.

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Heather
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Sorry if I've missed this, hs123, but have you yet tried talking with someone who is not a friend, but instead someone with background in rape crisis who could be of more help to you when it came to developing coping tools, really working through this and healing?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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hs123
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I see a therapist weekly.
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Heather
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...and this is a therapist who has some background in sexual abuse and assault with whom you are working through your assault trauma and who has actively been helping you with your healing process?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hs123
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yeah, even though I dont think it really does that much to make me any happier about my life.
I just leave the office thinking that this world is a really crappy place with some really crappy people.

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Heather
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If you're working on ways for you to cope and heal, it's curious to me that you'd leave with those feelings, since presumably, you're not even likely to be talking about other people so much as your own life and how you can move forward.

Can you make more clear to me what these sessions have been like? Has your therapist, for instance, helped you identify where you fall right now when it comes to rape trauma syndrome and that specturm of behaviour/coping?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hs123
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He said something about adjustment and I stopped minimizing what happened... I don't know. I try not to listen when he gets like,technical. I don't like the terms.
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hs123
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I have underlying depression anyways, that I've had since I was younger, so that kinda complicates it I guess.
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Heather
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I'm trying to think of how better to express what I'm asking.

This one comment from him doesn't really tel me much if anything about how the process of therapy in terms of recovering from your rape has been. Like, what coping tools and techniques has your therapist been giving you? What books or additional resources has he given you or suggested? What exercises are you working with, or have you been? What kind of therapies is he using?

I'm not sure underlying depression complicates all of this that much: depression is incredibly common among young women, to the degree that I'd say it's likely at least half of sexual abuse/assault survivors have that going on, too. But all the same, your therapist should by all means be tailoring what he's doing with/for you in such a way that it takes that pre-existing depression into account.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hs123
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I think it's called CBT but I'm not sure.
I started writing more because I like to write, and sometimes I show it to him. And he has me do these stream of consciousness things where i'm not supposed to not think about what I write. I actually like doing those.
And he had me do some relaxation excersizes, and also this self-hypnosis to relax thingy... It kinda works, but really i just feel tired.

I like the writing... I just always feel like I'm trying to reach this unattainable goal that's so far off. Like I'm running and running but never getting to where I want to go. And I'm tired.

[ 03-23-2008, 10:10 PM: Message edited by: hs123 ]

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