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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Why did I say it?!

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Author Topic: Why did I say it?!
hs123
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So, I haven't been around for awhile... Things have been going pretty well... My new therapist is really good, and I really like him...

But I still have a lot of anger in me. I don't usually have a problem controlling it, but last night I really did.

My best friend (my ex-boyfriend) was on the phone with me, and I was really upset, because I'd had a hard night the night before (these are much fewer and far between now). And sometimes, when I have these nights, I really start hating my best friend, like I did when it first happened. He didn't really know I hated him so much, though I thought I'd told him how I felt.

Anyways, I was talking to him and I just hated him so much right then, but I was trying to stay calm, so I just said "I don't wanna talk to you anymore, I'll call you another time." But he got kindof upset, because he didn't understand what he had done wrong... Probably because he hadn't done anything wrong. He kept asking me why I didn't want to talk to him and finally I just screamed, "I hate you!" and he was really upset.

He kept asking me what he did wrong, and he kept saying "If you don't tell me I can't do anything about it," and I kept saying "You can't do anything about it, it has nothing to do with you, it's illogical." But he kept pushing me to tell him and finally I just screamed and cryed to him, "I hate you because you weren't here and you left me alone, and it wouldn't have happened if you were here to protect me."
I went on to explain that I new it was illogical and misdirected, and that I don't always feel this way, just everyonce and a awhile now.
He said, it was okay, and he was glad that I told him because now he knew he shouldn't fight with me when I start acting this way, and he should just leave me alone for a little while. He told me I should just tell him when I feel like that so he can back off.

Either way, I feel really bad. I know he's hurt by it. He kept saying "You have a rational explanation for why you're mad, why would I be mad at you for it..." Like, he kept acknowledging that it was his fault, and even I know it wasn't. I feel awful that I said that to him. I care about him so much and I didn't mean to hurt him. I know he couldn't have done anything to stop it, but I don't know if he knows that now.

I wish I had never said that. It's just something that came out.

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orca
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I'm sorry you've been going through such a rough time lately, but it's good to hear that you are getting along with your therapist and making progress. You know, it's understandable that you are angry. One way that we have of coping with things is to get angry. It often strengthens us, especially after someone has done something to make us feel powerless. Sometimes, though, our anger can be a little misdirected. It doesn't make you a bad person at all. You've been through a lot and I'm sure he understands that you didn't mean it. Have you brought this up with your therapist?

Do you think it would be possible for your friend to come with you to a session? It might be easier to explain everything to him in front of the therapist, and the therapist could help you to express some of your feelings. It's always hard to tell someone why we feel a certain way, and it can help to have someone there who is trained at understanding these things to explain anything that you can't.

I know you feel bad about saying it, but don't beat yourself up over it. Maybe it's better that you did say it so your friend can understand what you need and your relationship can strengthen. Keeping it bottled up inside is never a good idea, especially when it is causing damage to your relationships.

I do hope you feel better about it soon. [Smile]

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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hs123
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Um, my friend is studying abroad for the schoolyear... That's actually why I feel like he wasn't here for me...

I actually feel quite awful about it all. I don't always feel that I hate him, really I almost never do.
I feel awful that I said anything. I never should have said it. THe more I think about it, the worse I feel.

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hs123
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I know there isn't anything I can say to "make everything better," but I don't really know how to effectively tell him that this is not really the way I feel about him. I tried, but he doesn't seem to be getting it. Not only does he think I really hate him, but he's acting like all of this was his fault, and he's acting like he wasn't there for me.
I really don't know how to go about explaining to him that it wasn't... I mean, I told him that he couldn't have done anything and all that stuff, and that it's just how I feel sometimes, and that even I know that it's unjustified...But ever since I brought it up, he's been taking the blame for it all...
I hate that I made him feel this way. I so regret saying all of this.
What can I say to effectively explain it to him?

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orca
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Have you tried writing it out in a letter? I see in one of your other threads that you talked about how difficult it has been to talk to your friend about what happened. Sometimes it's easier to write things out in a letter than it is to say it out loud. Start off by telling him that there wasn't anything he could have done, tell him how you've been feeling lately, why you said it, how you wish you hadn't said it. It might even help to talk it out with the therapist and get him to help you with the letter.

You have to know, though, that despite everything you say and do, your friend may still feel guilty. Guilt is something that we make ourselves feel, so only we can stop ourselves from feeling guilty. But letting him know how much you appreciate him being there for you since it happened would probably make him feel a lot better. And from everything you've written, it sounds like he has been there for you a lot.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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hs123
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I wrote him an email, but he hasn't answered back, and he's usually very prompt to answer. I would've called him to ask if he got it, but we already talked once this week, and it's expensive to call.

He has been there for me through everything. He's been amazing. Sometimes though, especially when I've had a bad night, meaning I've had a flashback or something, I just resort back to those feelings of anger that I felt towards him after it first happened.
After everything's he's done for me, I can't believe I've hurt him like that.

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Heather
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People who are close to each other sometimes say hurtful things without meaning to. Seriously, it happens.

But if he's your closest friend, and if you two have a longstanding friendship, I'm sure he'll be fine. He may just need some time, particularly if he's been your big support a lot. Sometimes, while we SO want to be a big support for friends in crisis, the tough times can be very exhausting, and we might just need some time to ourselves.

You wrote the email, you apologized. Now you probably just need to give him some time to himself, even if it's hard for you to do that because you need, for yourself, to know things are okay with the two of you. But I'd suggest you tend to your feelings on your own with this for right now, and let him do the same. I'm sure that when he's ready to talk about it more, he'll bring it to the table.

(Too? I kind of hear you trying to take more responsibility for this than he wants you to take. Pushing someone upset will often cause a volatile reaction, and sounds to me like he knows and has acknowledged this and wants to take some responsibility. You don't get to take that away from him or control the situation in that way OR make yourself a bigger bad guy here than you are as a way of self-punishing. Make sense?)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hs123
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sortof... I mean, I do need to know for myself that we're okay... I keep having such fears that I'm going to lose him, when I already feel so alone. And I understand that I should just let him mull it over on his own, but I don't understand why I should let him take any responsibility... I mean, I guess if he wants to, but it's not something he should have to do at all.

He's the one person in my life who takes care of me, and makes me feel like I matter... I don't know what I would do without him, and I'm scared that I'm going to end up without him. He's the only person I trust.

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Heather
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But see, that's about you, not about HIM. In other words, if he's the one who is hurt, and you're the one who caused any hurt, than you need to put him first here and put your concerns about your need of him aside and just let him deal.

Same goes for what responsibility he wants to take. You were upset, he pushed too hard, you erupted. He feels that part of why that happened was because he pushed too hard, which sounds exactly like what happened: he's taking responsibility for his part of what went on, not yours, and he gets to do that. It's not up to you what he takes responsibility for for himself, it's up to him.

Too, you know, it's pretty heavy to be the ONLY person someone trusts. Really, that's a lot to put on someone. So, it's kind of a given that you need to be able to give someone in that position extra room to breathe when they need it. And if I've got things right in this situation, you two also had a very recent breakup, so him being your only person still, with that going on, is also an extra big-thing-to-carry.

[ 02-09-2008, 10:36 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hs123
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I understand that... I'm just pretty sure he's taking some of the responsibility for my being assaulted... And I don't think that's okay. In fact, it really really makes me upset.
I understand that I should give him some space, and I'm going to do that. I understand that there's a lot of pressure on him, and that I should give him some time to himself. I just don't understand why I should let him take ANY responsibility for my being assaulted.... Even if I feel that way sometimes, he shouldn't have to feel that way.

I guess I'll just let him sort it all out on his own and wait for him to come to me about it all...

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Heather
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I think it's making you upset because right now you feel guilty for saying he was in some way responsible.

But that dismisses the fact that when we care about people, we're always going to feel bad when we couldn't protect them from the bad stuff in their lives. he probably felt that -- as people do -- before you said anything. he may just be feeling it more acutely now because of the exchange. But again, it's not up to you what responsibility anyone else does or doesn't take: we can't control that about other people. It also isn't fair to try and take any ownership or control of someone else's feelings, even if the way they are feeling makes US feel bad.

So yeah: you go nurse your wounds, you let him nurse his, and I'm sure you two will work it out just fine with a little time to breathe.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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