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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » i feel invaded

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Author Topic: i feel invaded
fallchild
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Member # 28780

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You guys are probably sick to death of me by now, heh [Roll Eyes]

I don't really know where to start. Um, I was abused emotionally, sexually, and physically by my father until I was 17 and I ran away. My father raped my mom to have me and all my brothers. She finally divorced him, which I'm so proud of her for, and is now happily married. Needless to say, I'm having a lot of trouble in the sexual part of my current relationship.

The last time I had sex with my boyfriend, as we went on I started getting very emotional. I've had troubles in the past where as he was "trying to get in" it would hurt a LOT, so we'd go slow and everything. But last time, it starting hurting and even though I was clenching my teeth and wincing and tightenting my entire body up he wouldn't stop. He didn't even look at my face to check and see if I was ok. Anyway, so afterwards I was crying and shaking and felt pretty darn crappy. Also, everytime we do something sexual, it's really stressful for me because he always says "I'm going to MAKE you orgasm."

Whenever he says that it makes me feel like I'm not doing it for me and that I don't own the orgasm, rather I'm doing it for him and it belongs to him. Another thing that makes me feel like I'm detached or that I don't have any ownership over my body is when he's constantly grabbing at me. Now, I realize that he's my boyfriend and that it's probably normal, but I am SICK of it. I feel like he's constantly putting his hands down my pants or grabbing my chest or slapping my butt. I think I've been projecting how I feel about this because I hardly EVER touch him lately.

I told him about all this last night. I told him that a lot of the sadness I'm feeling is from past stuff that doesn't involve him at all, however I also said that he's doing some things that are NOT HELPING. I told him I don't think he'd ever hurt me on purpose, but that he's also being very inconsiderate.

I guess this was more of a word-vomit than a question, but I needed to tell somebody. I feel detached and invaded and violated.

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"It's better to die on your feet than live down on your knees"

Posts: 117 | From: SLC, UT | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Oh honey. Can I just say that, honestly, I am so glad you have decided to hold off on the engagement? This whole post is just adding to my 'eeek' feeling that I had about your partner from your previous posts.

First of all, have you had any counseling at all for the abuse you've suffered? If you haven't, that is definitely the place to start, and that is something it sounds like you really need to start, regardless. Any sort of abuse can affect us for a long time, but it's especially hard to deal with abuse that went on for so long, that was such a huge part of our lives and that came from someone we should have been able to trust. I cannot encourage you enough to seek out counseling. If you need help finding resources in your area, let us know and we'll take a look for you.

Second of all, it's very likely that your history of abuse is what's made sex painful for you. But just to be thorough, I am going to link you to our article on painful intercourse you so you can make sure that there isn't something else at play here, too.
From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

Does your boyfriend know about your history? Is it something you two talk about? If a partner has been abused, that can play a big role in the sexual aspects of the relationship, and it's something that always needs to be taken into consideration. It's not just something that needs to be brought up once, at the start of the relationship, but something that's there and needs to be dealt with. And the things you're voicing here are very common feelings for abuse survivors -not feeling like you own your body or your sexuality, feeling violated, etc- and these are things you should talk to your partner about. If you do talk to him about this, and he's not responding or making an effort to be considerate of your feelings, then you'll want to reconsider whether this is really a partner that it's safe for you to be with.

And with what you've written here, it really doesn't sound like your partner is considerate of your needs at all. We can't expect partners to guess what we're feeling during sex, but if you're wincing and clenching your teeth and tensing up, then any partner who has any amount of consideration and respect is going to just STOP. The fact that he didn't is making my alarm bells ring, and it should make yours ring, too. These things shouldn't be happening at all.

Lastly, we're always allowed to have boundaries. And that counts for within our relationships as well as without them. If you don't want your boyfriend to grab at you, you get to tell him that, and he has to respect that. He doesn't have unlimited rights to grab at you just by virtue of being your partner.

I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this, fallchild. It sounds like you're having a really tough time. Please don't apologize for venting. You've got a lot on your plate, and this is a good place to discuss that and just write it all out. And we can definitely help you sort some of this out, but ultimately, we can't replace counseling, and you're really in a place where getting counseling is definitely the thing to do.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallchild
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Member # 28780

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Hey September, thanks for the reply. We had a big talk about this the other night, where he told me that HE had been in a sexually abusive relationship with his first serious girlfriend. She was emotionally abusive and forced him into a sexual relationship that he didn't want or was ready for. Now, I think we've realized that we've both been hurt and that we BOTH need to be careful about how we treat each other and talk to each other. He also told me that I'd pressured him into sex on a few occasions, which I am deeply, horribly ashamed of.

Spelling out my boundaries was very empowering. I told him that I'm tired of being grabbed at. I told him that I'm TIRED of him pleasuring me and then pressuring me to return the favor. I told him that using condoms is a start, but I also want latex gloves for manual sex (ever heard "No glove, no love?" i love that lol). In other words, I think we're making progress.

Want to hear a secret though? Sometimes I wish I just had a kick-***, feminist girlfriend that understood all of this stuff I've been posting on these boards for the last two years. Someone who went and got tested HERSELF instead of kicking and screaming. Someone who didn't roll their eyes when I say I'm going to the performance of the Vagina Monologues at my school. Someone who didn't say feminist like it was a bad word. Someone who actually spent time with me figuring out what felt good sexually, who didn't pressure me into sex, who didn't make me feel like I "had" to orgasm. Sadly, sometimes I feel like this is something I'll never have. Here's to pessimism.

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"It's better to die on your feet than live down on your knees"

Posts: 117 | From: SLC, UT | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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You know, it's true that for relationships to work out, people have to learn how to compromise. But there are some things we should not compromise on and where we should never make amends. And, I'm not in your relationship, and obviously you're focusing on the Bad here because that's what's creating issues, but I'm having a hard time understanding why you want this relationship. What's so great about it that you're willing to compromise on all these important topics? I asked you this in your other topic, and you came up with a rather short list. Have you thought about it some more?

Your last paragraph made me really sad, because if your partner is doing all of those things your fantasy girlfriend wouldn't do, then your boyfriend is, to put it bluntly, a total jerk. So why do you think that you'll never have a relationship that's safe for you, emotionally and physically, were you don't have to fight for basic safe sex, where you're respected? If you want all of that (and believe me, you deserve to have it, and it does exist), why are you settling for this relationship?

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallchild
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Member # 28780

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I...don't...know. I don't know why I'm settling. It's so stupid, but even though the mechanics of our relationship are vastly disappointing sometimes (lack of communication with sex, lack of safe sex practices, etc.), I still love him and enjoy his company. I want to say that I can tell he really cares about me, because everytime I've brought something up that I'm unhappy about he apologizes and really tries to fix it. Another thing I enjoy is that we can have "normal fun" together. I'm not sure how to explain it but we can just be hanging out and doing nothing and still have fun together. I've been in too many relationships where the sexual stuff would end and we'd both be like, "Ok, now what?" and it was just kind of awkward.

Another thing is that this is the first major relationship I've been in (over two years), and honestly, I can't imagine my life without that constant companionship. I think I just caught that teenager fantasy where you're in love and you think it's going to last forever no matter what (I was eighteen when we got together).

I feel very very stuck right now. I feel like if I dump him I'll be totally devastated and regretful (I've dumped him before in a "break" type of situation. it was awful). But, I also feel like if I stay with him I'm just shortchanging myself.

I really don't know what will happen. I think my ideals for this relationship would be that he shape up, because I really do care about him. But yeah, I feel pretty hopeless right now.

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"It's better to die on your feet than live down on your knees"

Posts: 117 | From: SLC, UT | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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It sounds like, to me, your relationship is really a pretty good friendship. You enjoy each other's company and have fun just hanging out. And that's great - the best relationships are built on strong friendships. But it also sounds like, while you're compatible as friends, you're less sexually compatible. That's really where the problems come in: when it comes to your sexual relationship.

So, you know, it seems like you're afraid to 'throw away' something that's lasted for two years. It can be really difficult to evaluate a relationship the longer it lasts. You get to a point where you start to think "but we've spent x number of years together, do we really want to give up now?" And it's valid to put more effort and work into something that's already lasted a long while. But it's also valid to acknowledge that people change, or their expectations and needs change, and the relationships change along with that. And it seems pretty clear that the relationship you have with your partner right now isn't what you need: you're expressing feeling dissatisfied and hopeless.

What that doesn't have to mean is that this relationships has to end here, full stop. Why not talk to your partner and acknowledge that the sexual component of your relationship is difficult for both of you right now, and that you might be better off turning this into a friendship for now? That way you get to still be with your boyfriend, and you get to also take off some of the pressure and eliminate some of the stresses in the relationship. And it might also give you the time and space to figure out what you want and need right now.

Basically, what I am saying is that decisions we make about relationships aren't valid forever and ever. What was perfectly right for you two years ago may not be so good right now, and you absolutely get to decide that it's not working for you anymore and you'd like to approach things differently. In fact, that's a very smart and healthy thing to do. Better, in any event, than setting for something that makes you miserable because you're afraid of being alone or of facing that a relationship might be over.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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