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Author Topic: I can't get him to stop
yohopanda
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So, I feel I need to tell the story before I get into the problem I'm having right now.

So, about two months ago, I met a boy through a friend. He wasn't attractive to me whatsoever, but I saw a little bit of attraction between my friend and this guy. So, in the middle of trying to hook them up, I got hit in the head (not literally), and started to like him. I'm engaged, and the moment I started having feelings for him, I told my fiance. He told me that although he's sad, he's not going to stop me from hanging out with this guy.

After realizing my fiance was amazing, my feelings for this guy went away. The problem is, the feelings he had for ME didn't. He kept texting me, telling me very lewd, gross stuff. The last time we "hung out" he touched my genital area through my pants as I was trying to find the remote that had fallen under the bed. I feel that even if I wasn't in a very committed relationship, and even if I was still interested, he had NO right to violate me. Though I saw this, I decided to just try to ignore him and hope that it would fade in his mind.

He hasn't stopped calling, texting, or iming me. Today, at work, he came into my work and said, "my friends and I are watching you." I freaked out, and told my manager what happened. She basically dragged me into the back room, and told me that he will never be allowed in the store again. She told me to go through the emergency exit door instead of the regular mall door just in case they were waiting.

I'm extremely freaked out by this situation. This guy knows where I live, where I work, and I really feel unsafe. He is MUCH larger than I am, and has a horrible temper.

I feel unsafe in my own home and work environment. Is there anyway TO feel safe again?

Posts: 26 | From: California | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Okay. When things have come to this, it is time to go to the police and file a report. This is -- legally and practically -- very cut-and-dired stalking, and anti-stalking laws tend to be very strict and supportive.

A lot of that is because stalking does get worse as it continues and -- not trying to scare you -- often DOES lead up to violence (and you've already experienced some sexual violence, to boot).

So, I would march into the police NOW. You might also call your work manager who witnessed some of this and ask her to file a report too, to doubly support your own. At the very least, she could call in to corroborate your own report.

They can also tell you what you can do to increase your safety, and can help you do that. They'll likely tell you to do the obvious stuff, like changing your phone number (which you should), blocking him from your IMs or setting them to private: things you can do to slow the whirlwind of stalking, which helps. They can also talk to you about how to make your home more secure, etc.

But really, go now, be proactive and file that report. THAT is what you can do not only to feel safe, but actually assure you ARE safe again.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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yohopanda
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I talked to my mom about filing a police report, and she told me that because I deleted the text messages when I received them, nobody saw him touch me inappropriately, and that only one other person heard him say what he said, I don't really have any evidence to take to the police. She told me to write him a legal letter stating that I want him to stay away from me and stop trying to contact me or I'll file a police report, and send it through the post office asking for a signed receipt (so he has to sign to receive the message, indicating that he did receive the message). Then if he bothers me again, go to the police with that evidence.

I just feel that I don't want to wait for him to attack me to get something done, y'know?

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Heather
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Your mother is mistaken. One, you have a direct witness in your manager, and two, you don't have to prove stalking like that to get a restrianing order filed.

As well, making ANY kind of contact with someone stalking yourself only tends to egg them on. Plus, unless you're a lawyer,you can't write him a letter which carries any legal consequences, just by sending it certified mail. You having written that letter is not likely to help the police, and is likely to just prove to him that he's got you attention and incline him to keep it up. Stalkers take that kind of thing as a challenge,and clearly, he's not intimidated by you in the least. A letter isn't going to change that, it's only going to let him know he's got you scared, and he'll probably get off on it.

So again, I would go to the police. In the off-chance they will not let you file a report, at least you tried, and you'll certainly have altered them to the problem, and they can also help you do things to be safer.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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yohopanda
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I think I'm going to go in tomorrow and try and file a report, no matter what my mom says.
Posts: 26 | From: California | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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I think that's an excellent idea. Really, while it's only one thing you can do to get safer, more times than not, it is a good thing and it does often (not always, but usually) send a stronger message than you possibly could to a stalker to back off. And if he breaks its conditions, he's going to get charged.

Here, also, are the California Stalking Laws -- the first state to pass them back when, by the way -- just so you can see them: http://www.ncvc.org/src/main.aspx?dbID=DB_California176

You might also want to have a look at this: http://www.lovemenot.org/

Between tonight and tomorrow, I can suggest a few things in terms of your safety. You may know this stuff already, but it doesn't hurt to bring it up, just in case.

• If he calls you, do no answer. If he IMs, block him and ignore him. Do NOT engage this guy in any way.

• Call a friend or two, just to let them know this is an issue. Better still, if you have a neighbor who is around, let them know and ask them to call you if they see anything suspicious.

• If you sleep with your windows or doors open, stop doing that. Even beyond this, that's not smart.

• Keep any outside porch or lobby lights on, so that anyone around can see someone lurking around your place.

• Keep a phone by you when you can.

• Don't blare your stereo so much you can't hear some outside noises. Also: no headphones right now.

• When you walk or drive places, mix up which way you go every day. That makes you tougher to follow.

• If you don't know basic self-defense, you might consider keeping some mace on you right now, just in case. practice using it somewhere outdoors and away from people just once to get the hang of it.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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yohopanda
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Thank you for your advice [Big Grin] I live with my fiancee, who is a football player and really strong, so I'm ok when he's here. He just works until midnight at safeway, and I usually have to pick him up. My parking lot is really dark and there's not a lot of light. Should I carry a flashlight with me when I go to pick him up?
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Heather
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I'd suggest your fiancee get himself home right now until you know you're safer, honestly. he can swing a ride with someone else, grab a bus, a cab, whatever. But if you have made a habit of doing that midnight pickup, I'd not suggest doing that right now since for all you know, this guy knows you do that, and that'd be an easy time to attack you. Surely, your fiancee would be willing to inconvenience himself a little to be sure you're as safe as can be.

And too, having a strong person around doesn't mean y'all shouldn't do the basic safety stuff. Even if we're not talking about this guy, but some random intruder, strong doesn't have much that threatens gun, you know?

And sure: if you have a dark driveway, a flashlight would be a good thing to have around right now.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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yohopanda
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Oh, I understand about the basic safety stuff. We never have our windows open (they've got two locks on them at all times), and we have three different kinds of locks on our door that are locked the moment we walk into the house.

I'll tell him to get a ride home until I feel better.

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-Lauren-
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One additional thought, yohopanda; you might want to inform mall security, and if your store has video surveilence, ask your manager about pinpointing him so they know what to look for.

I work in a mall shop too where lots of the girls are hit on/made to feel creeped out (myself included), and while certainly not a replacement for proper legal action, mall cops are usually very happy to do things like walk you out to your car. Just an idea to make you feel better for now; nobody needs to feel unsafe at work, of all places.

Hang in there!

[ 01-13-2008, 08:51 PM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

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