Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » The newest issue in my life- uch (Page 1)

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!   This topic comprises 2 pages: 1  2   
Author Topic: The newest issue in my life- uch
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ok-- I've really been searching on this site for a more private place to post this- but I can't find one cuz I'm not so up on this site-- so i'll just give my background story and ask my question...
about.. uhhh... i dunno--- 6 weeks ago maybe now, i was sexually assaulted... i've only told my boyfriend and the person he convinced me to go see
My boyfriend lives in another country currently (for about 5 1/2 more months)...
I feel like i've coped with it, i'm seeing someone for it, my boyfriend convinced me to do that
i know it's not my fault or anything-- i never thought it was... i wasn't asking for it, i just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and he chose me--- It was not my fault that when i was screaming nobody came in to help me, and i'm proud of myself that i got out of it before anything truly awful happened to me and i know my boyfriend is proud of me.
Well anyways-- I feel like I've coped with the actual situation.. I won't lie... I find myself getting overly angry at things and I know itís because Iím angry that my boyfriend wasnít there to protect me. I know if he was there he would have heard me screaming right away, or I know he would have been waiting outside and this man would never have followed me in. He was my best friend before he was my boyfriend, and we promised we would always be there for each other and I keep thinking that he wasnít--- and I know itís not right to blame him, but I blame him a little and whatís worse is I think he blames himself...

I'm going to see my boyfriend soon, and I was hoping to jump back into the gist of things sexually( I'm a virgin but other things I mean), but he just informed me that he's worried about it. He says it's not that he thinks I'm dirty or anything, cuz he absolutely doesnt (and I believe that,) but he thinks I'm not ready for it. He thinks 6 weeks isn't long enough to cope with something, and that he's worried if we tried to do things I might freak out and he wants to wait until he's sure I'm ready...

So-- I'm asking... Is six weeks too short of a time to cope? I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm ready... I'm pretty sure I'm ready to live my life.. To be quite honest- I just wanna be with my boyfriend, I want HIM to touch me, I miss HIS touch... I feel safe when heís around...I know I can say no to him and he'll stop.. I know I don't have to freak out ever when he's around because all i have to say is- please stop im not ready- and he'll stop-- so why is he so worried-- I've said no before, i'll say it again if I don't feel ready...
am i wrong? or is he right?

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 4 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So nobody's responded but i have to adjust this whole post because i was wrong, i was really wrong- but I really really need help...
Last night I was depressed, I thought maybe I needed to get out, so I asked one of my good guy friends to go get coffee with me- He took me out, and when we were walking out of the coffee shop I had a really awful flashback. I don't remember what was going on around me but I know I was crying, and my friend picked me up and put me in the car. After it stopped he told me I just grabbed onto him crying. I couldn't tell him and I just asked him to take me home, so he did.
He walked me into my house because my parents arent home, and he told me I should go to sleep and he would sit in the front and check on me and leave when I was asleep... he thought i was going crazy- he also said i needed to call my parents and tell them what happened, but i didnt want to- so we just called them and told them he was at the house and might be there late, and he called his parents and told him the same. i couldn't fall asleep after and hour and a half, and so he put a blanket on me on the couch, and he sat and hugged me cuz i was kindof crying from stress and embarassment,and watched tv with me until i fell asleep while he was hugging me around 3 am. i remember waking up when he was leaving and i asked him not to go cuz i was scared something was gonna happen to me, but he told me had already told his parents he would be home in 5 minutes, and that i was ok, and not to think about it, and to go back to sleep and call him if i couldn't or i woke up.
I was really embarrassed about what happened.
Today I woke up with the worst headache probably from crying and i didnt go to school. my friend from the night before called cuz he found out I wasn't there.
I told him I was fine but he came over during lunch and he told me he wanted to tell our teacher what happened cuz he didn't think it was normal. I started crying that he couldn't, and that I was okay and after an hour of me crying hysterically to him that he couldn't, he promised he wouldn't. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and he was just trying to calm me down- he kept wiping my face off and the whole time i was just hugging him and in the middle of it I started having another flashback. He could most definitely tell something was wrong. I was totally aware of what was going on around me but I couldnt make the things in my head stop- and my friend was picking me up and he carried me to my room and he sat me up in bed and he started talking to me and he sort of got in front of my face and he told me i should try to answer him. he was just asking me random questions like if i heard of any new bands and stuff and i was trying to answer him and pretty soon it stopped.
I apologized for getting snot and tears all over his shirt, I told him I didnít wanna talk about it, so he said he didnt wanna make it worse and he would come back later tonight to check on me. I think he knows.
What do I do... Itís not normal to have so many. When I have them, I feel paralyzed, like itís not my body.
I started hating my boyfriend. I hate that he wasnít there for me then, and that heís not here for me now. I hate that my friend has to take care of me because i donít like feeling emotionally vulnerable, iíve only ever been that way with my boyfriend. He didnít protect me! And now Iím all alone without him
What do I do- I canít see someone who didnít take care of me...I love him but I hate him. I could have flashbacks on the plane ride there... WHAT DO I DO?
I dont know what Iím going to tell my friend when he comes back here either
how do i make these flashbacks stop? i don't like relying on friends to take care of me- i've only ever relied on my boyfriend

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1207

Icon 1 posted      Profile for LilBlueSmurf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi there,

I am so sorry it took us so long to get to your post.

A few things ... First and foremost;

... i got out of it before anything truly awful happened to me and i know my boyfriend is proud of me.

What happened to you WAS truly awful. Seriously. I know you need to tell yourself 'it could've been worse' to get through it, but it's also important to allow yourself to grieve, and realize that this WAS awful.

Are you seeing anyone about this? Meaning ... professional specially trained to deal w/ survivors of sexual assault/abuse? If not, i would strongly suggest that you do. Counseling w/ your family, friends and partner may be beneficial to all of you as well.

I am so sorry you are still being haunted by flashbacks. Unfortuneatly, this is quite common. Talking about your feelings with friends and family, and a trained professional, is important.

I started hating my boyfriend. I hate that he wasnít there for me then, and that heís not here for me now.

I get the anger, but i worry that your anger is being misplaced. What are the circumstances around your boyfriend being long distance? Perhaps the assault is bringing out feelings you already had about him being long distance ...? What do you mean your boyfriend isn't here for you now? Do you mean physically or emotionally? Have you asked him for exactly what you need from him? I know it sucks sometimes having to be so blunt in asking for things, but sometimes people just don't know. It's hard too for others' to deal w/ a loved one in crisis.

i don't like relying on friends to take care of me- i've only ever relied on my boyfriend

This needs to stop. For whatever reason (you haven't specified), you boyfriend can't be with you physically right now; you're going to need to depend on other friends and family right now. You really really need to. You seem to have friends that are able to do this for you right now (as you stated above), you just have to let them know what it is you need. It's okay to ask for help. It's important.

Also, if you give us your location (city), we can help you find a counselor and/or support groups in your area.

We have quite a few rape/sexual assault survivors here, including myself and the owner/founder of the site. You are not alone.

Abuse and Rape Survivors Success Stories
Sex After Rape

[ 12-14-2007, 10:32 PM: Message edited by: LilBlueSmurf ]

--------------------
Nursing is a work of heart!
~ unknown

Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
When I said it wasnít awful, I mean, I wasnít raped. It was awful, and the more and more I remember it, it was really awful. But it would have been more awful if I hadnít have gotten out of it.
Iím seeing a psychiatrist- I used to see one awhile ago, and I didnít want to go back but my boyfriend convinced me to. He said I needed to see someone who actually knew about these things. But my psychiatrist wasnít in when I called today. I left a message for him though.

My boyfriend is out of the country for about 5 to 6 more months. Heís studying abroad. When it first happened he was going to come home for his second semester, but I thought I was okay, and I didnít want him to ruin his year over it, especially when he had just started to adjust. But heís supposed to be here to hug me and to hold me.... Heís here for me emotionally, he always has been, Iíve even been yelling at him a lot and he just takes it. Afterwards he just asks me if I got out what I needed to... Sometimes he tries to talk to me about what I said to him, and sometimes he tries to get me to talk about what happened but he says he doesnít like asking about it a lot, because he can tell itís hard for me to say anything and it hurts him to hear me like that, but he thinks it would help if I talked about it more, because I havenít been able to tell my psychiatrist much aside from the physical problems Iíve been having after it- I havenít really been able to give him a play by play of what happened- only my boyfriend.. He really is a good person, and heís a big comfort. Heís the only person besides my psychiatrist who knows what happened, and heís really always been there for me to talk to.
I feel so vulnerable without him, I feel like anything could happen to me and I canít stop it. If he had been with me he would have wondered why I was taking so long, or her would have heard me screaming. But he wasnít there, and nobody heard me... I miss him.

I canít tell my friend what happened, even though I think he probably already knows, I canít tell him. I couldnít even tell my boyfriend, heís the one who asked me if it happened because I had been crying on the phone with him for hours but I couldnít tell him what was wrong, all I could say was that something bad happened to me.

But how do I make the flashbacks stop? They keep happening. My friend is coming over again and Iím scared itís going to happen again. I donít want him to have to see me like this... I like when heís here, I feel safer but I donít want him to be here if Iím going to freak out. He says he doesnít mind, and that heís happy to sit with me but what if I have another flashback?

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'd just like to say, first of all, that there are no degrees of bad-ness when it comes to sexual assault. It's really hard to say "x is pretty bad, but y is worse and nothing is more awful than z". The way we perceive sexual assualts, and the way we feel about them later and the way we deal with them is influenced by so many factors (how we cope with stresses, whether we immediately grasp what's been done to us, whether we seek out help, where we seek that help, etc) that it's just really iffy to try and say one thing is always worse than another.

So, let's not try to belittle what's happened to you. It was awful, and of course you are affected by it.

Second, I've got to agree with Smurf here when she says that youm seem to be placing some of the blame on someone who's not deserving of it. Your boyfriend had absolutely nothing to do with you getting assaulted. Even if he had not been out of the country, he might still not have been able to help you in time. There was likely nothing he could have done, so let's try and stop blaming him.

Finally, about those flashbacks. I wish I could tell you the magic word to make them stop, but sadly, that word does not exist. In time, once you start to process what's happened (with the help of your therapist - going back to therapy is a great idea!), the flashbacks will get less. You will recognize what triggers them and learn to avoid those triggers. And you'll learn to manage the flashbacks when they do happen. But there's no easy fix to this.

It's good that you have this great friend around who can be there for you. I know it's hard to talk about at first, but it might make it easier for you if your friend knows what happened - I could imagine that the stress of being afraid to have panic attacks with him around might make them more likely to happen.

Mostly, you're already doing all you can. Seeing a therapist is a very good move, as is being honest with your boyfriend and talking to him about it. But these things take time, and you'll just have to give yourself that time.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Last night my friend did something that reminded me of what happened, and I started screaming and crying. Again he picked me up and moved me to a different room, and sat me on the couch, but he kept telling me to open my eyes, and I couldnít.. How are you supposed to open your eyes when itís all in your head? He's was kneeling on the floor and holding my hands, and i was just screaming- the same thing kept playing in my head except this time it was different because i remembered other things-I remembered that there were 2 guys and not just one- and that's why i couldn't move. remembered them dragging me down onto the floor which was cold tile, and one was holding my arms the other was touching me under my shirt and i could feel the floor on my back cuz it was freezing and i was shaking. they kept tellng me to shut up and take it. One was sitting on my legs, and the other was holding my hands.
Everything's so unclear now- I feel like I don't even know what really happened.
Afterwards, I was so messed up. I couldnít stop crying. I cried for hours until i fell asleep on my friends lap. He accidentally slept over because he also fell asleep, but i was glad he was there when I woke up because I also woke up crying.

I read the sex after rape posts. They were helpful and this morning I talked to my boyfriend about what would happen if I came to see him. He said that he didnít want to do anything ďsexual,Ē and I told him that even if we didnít I might have a flashback, and he said that was ok, he just didnít want me to feel pressured to do anything. He said if we wanna spend a night together, we should spend it just lying with each other, that he could just hold me if I wanted and we could talk, that we could just sleep together, literally JUST sleep. He said he just wants me to feel safe. My friend called him and asked him what was wrong with me- he didnít say anything. He said my friend told him what he did to try and calm me down, and that he (my boyfriend) now feels prepared to deal with a flashback if it happens.

Iím not scared of being sexual with my boyfriend againóIím just scared that he might do something like hold my arms above my head or spread my legs apartóall things he used to do and I used to really like, but I dont think Iíd like it anymore. I told him that, and he said even though we werenít going to do anything, when we did, we would first talk about all the things he shouldnít do and the things he should.

Also, I tried to tell my boyfriend the things I remembered, but I couldnít. He told me if I wanted to tell him I could email it to him if it was easier, and we could talk about it after. I donít think I was really mad at himóI think Iím just really angry about the whole situation and I feel alone- especially since he's not here. He said he would try to point out if I were being illogical and yelling at him for misdirected reasons, he just thought it was better if I let some of it out and he didnít mind taking it.

Also, is there really nothing I can do to make the flashbacks stop? I just have to let them happen? And anything that triggers them I have to avoid for the rest of my life? How is that even possible? How do I live my life if almost everything I do triggers them? I can't avoid my life!

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Oh, I just wanted to know one more thing-- If I give the city I live in an all that, can you find me a group to go to, but then delete the post? Cuz i don't like leaving my information around...

also- thanks so much... I know my posts are long, but y'all are really helpful... and it feels good to get all this stuff off my chest- even if it was to people on the internet- i just think maybe i should find some "real" people to talk to who are going through what i'm going through

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
There are things that you can do to help you deal with the flashbacks. However, as I said, there is nothing that can magically stop them, right now. Over time, you'll learn to cope with them and you will experience them less, and you will also be able to manage them better when they do happen.

Your best bet is to start working through the assault with the help of your therapist. Does your therapist have experience working with assault survivors? If not, and you might like to ask them to refer you to someone who has more experiene in that area.

Have you been able to reach your therapist? The next time you talk to them, I suggest you ask about coping mechanisms. Those are tools we can use to help us calm down when we are dealing with flashbacks.

I know it can seem really overwhelming, to feel like you'll be affected by the assualt so severely for the rest of your life. But it does get easier. I was raped nearly three years ago and by now, there are days when I don't think about it at all and it doesn't affect me. I do still have some triggers, and I freak out when I can't avoid them, and that bothers me, but there are also the good days when triggers don't do a thing. And I am sure there are some ways in which I've adjusted my life, but it's certainly not as though I'm avoiding my life, as you put it. It takes time and hard work, but it does get easier.

And really, it also sounds like you've got a great, supportive boyfriend, which is a plus. His idea to lay of sex for a little while is certainly a sound one, and I suggest you just take it slow and go with what feels right. Just don't put any pressure on yourself and take all the time you need.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'll need to check if maybe we can have you e-mail us your info, so we can keep things confidential. In the mean time, you can check out the RAINN website at rainn.org, where you'll also be able to look for local crisis centres.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My therapist specializes in trauma victims and Post traumatic stress disorder. He says he deals with this a lot, he still hasnít called me back... He usually responds very quickly though.

My boyfriend really is great. Heís my best friend. Heís never pressured me into anything- heís such a good person and heís always sensitive to my needs. My winter break is coming up and he said even though he would be sad if I decided not to come and see him, he just wants me to have a week where I can relax, and if coming to see him is too much stress, than itís ok- and heís going to try to come home for a visit in the spring since it might be too stressful for me to get to him.

So basically, youíre saying I just have to let the flashbacks happen and go with it? Also, is it abnormal to start remembering things I couldnít remember before? Because itís scaryóI feel like I dunno what really happened anymore. I feel like it might keep getting scarier everyday, like what if everytime I have a flashback, I remember something even more terrifying? Is that normal?

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yes, it's normal for the details of an assault to come back to us slowly. It's a defense mechanism: because our minds and bodies can't deal with the stress of what's happened, we forget some or all of it so we don't have to deal with it. Those memories will come back over time - how long it takes and how much of it we'll remember later is very individual.

As for learning to cope with the flashbacks, I suggest you try to reach your therapist again and set up an appointment to start talking about coping mechanisms so you can manage the flashbacks better.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
hs123: sorry for the delay with your posts -- unfortunately, the couple of us who tend to deal with assault and rape issues most have not been here as much as usual.

But if you want some help finding local resources, go ahead and drop me a note using the contact form at the main site: http://www.scarleteen.com/contact

I have some houseguests right now (one of whom is still in diapers), so I have my hands a bit full, but I can certainly at least find the time to see what resources might be in your area.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks so much Heather...


My boyfriend told me if I could take a hot bath it might make things better- I can't run water, I can't undress myself- I can't move! I told him, the only other person who knows is my friend (also one of his best friends) and that if he were here i would let him undress me, but i can't have our friend do that- and he said if I really needed him to it was ok- I trust my friend- but only my boyfriend has seen me.
He said he told my friend if it happens again, he should run the water, and see if I could do it myself and if I couldn't then just put me back in bed and wait till it stops.

So when i had another flashback my friend ran the water but I couldn't get in cuz i couldnt get my clothes off- well- my friend took my shoes and socks off- and then he left the room- and after struggling with it and breaking down for like 10 minutes, i got my shirt off- so i guess that's a start...

after I was in the bathroom for a few minutes crying on the floor, he knocked- and i was still in hysterics and i was screaming and my friend was worried so he came in-- i think he was a little freaked out- but he came in with my robe and he put it on me and he wanted to get me back in bed.. But I got really angry when he did that-since it took me so long to get the shirt off or something- I dunno- he told me he would help me if I wanted... so i said i wanted to get in with my bra an shorts on- and so he helped get the robe of he put me in-- and i felt a lot better and i stopped crying almost immediately---liek, i felt liek I could breathe!

but my friend looked really drained so i felt bad. He like, sunk down on the wall when i stopped crying--he had this like, "sweet relief it stopped!" look.

I guess I have to figure out how to get undressed- cuz my boyfriend was right about the bath... Maybe I should just have my friend put me in fully clothed.
Any suggestions?

Also- what should I do when my friends not here and I have flashbacks- because they're really really bad- i end up on the floor for a long time just crying and screaming-- I think I'm getting too dependent on my friend.

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
alsoo- my friend came over and he started talking about Emotional Behavioural Therapy (EMBT)- I don't know waht it is really, but does anyone?
He said he looked it up and it might help me remember things without having these flashbacks?

I don't really even know what that means, but does anyone know?

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1207

Icon 1 posted      Profile for LilBlueSmurf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Are you like this all the time or only during/after a flashback? If you're in such a state right now, all the time, that you're unable to get undressed to shower, you need help NOW. Does your psychiatrist have someone on call for him? Do you have a family doctor you can speak to? If all else fails, i would just go to the hospital. You are obviously not coping at home (being unable to perform activities of daily living [ie, showering, eating, etc] by yourself). You can also look in your local phone book for rape crisis lines. These are usually 24/7, and you may even be able to get in to speak to someone, if that would be easier for you.

Where are your parents in all this? If you haven't told them already, i would suggest you do. They can help you get the treatment you need.

[ 12-15-2007, 04:15 PM: Message edited by: LilBlueSmurf ]

--------------------
Nursing is a work of heart!
~ unknown

Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm only like this during flashbacks- most of the day at school, people don't notice anything is wrong...
When I'm not having flashbacks, I can do whatever- I drive myself wherever, and all that stuff-- It's only during a flashback...I've just been having a lot of flashbacks---
Even after the flashbacks Iím fine--- I mean, fine enough to dress myself and everything.... this incident wasnít showering- he was trying to get me in the bathtub to relaxó I can shower myselfóI can do whatever so long as Iím not in the middle of a flashback. But everything triggers them.

My parents are rarely home. They're always out of town, not to mention I have a bad relationship with them. I donít tell them anything, and they hardly talk to me when theyíre home. Theyíre in their own worlds; they wouldnít notice that something was wrong with me if I was screaming it in front of their face.

My psychiatrist has a social worker on call- they said they canít help me right now, because the only thing they would be able to tell me to do is to take deep breaths and ďstay centered.Ē They said they would try and get in touch with my psychiatrist though since Iím having such serious problems.

Aside from the flashbacks, I can do normal activities. I made cookies earlier, I can do things. Itís just these flashbacks arenít so few and far betweenótheyíre becoming quite frequent because I donít know how to avoid these trigger... How do avoid the sound of people laughing? Honestly, thatís not normal... I canít avoid feeling a tile floor under my feetó... i canít...

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1207

Icon 1 posted      Profile for LilBlueSmurf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Have you called any of the hotlines that have been suggested?

RAINN has an online hotline, too, if you don't feel like talking on the phone... http://www.rainn.org/programs/online-hotline/index.html

--------------------
Nursing is a work of heart!
~ unknown

Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I went to the rainn online hotline-- they weren't so helpful--- they basically told me i needed to breathe, and try to realize my surroundings by activating other senses.. and while this is a good idea, it's just much easier said than done-- and i thnk the bath thing does activate other sense anyway-- which might be why it helps so much---

I had a smaller flashback earlier, and this time I was able to get in to the tub myself-- maybe because my friend wasn't here and i felt like I had to. But it really does help.

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
hs, I'd suggest contacting that great support center for survivors I emailed you about. They're certainly going to have more to offer you than to tell you to stay centered, including being very aware of the face that recent survivors need help getting back to center in the first place! (And if you haven't been able to get help from your psychiatrist for six weeks, they'll be able to help you far sooner than that, too: their support groups all met weekly.)

If EVERYTHING is triggering you, then we're probably talking less about triggers (which tend to be more specific than, well, everything) and more about some acute general trauma and PTSD. It sounds to me like you really do need more than the help of a friend here: you need a pro.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
i exagerate when i say everything is triggering me- but i guess the things that do seem so mundane-- I'm not gonna not watch tv because I might hear someone laughing---
And I have to change my socks sometimes- and when I feel the tile floor underneath my feet- I just start remembering the worst stuff---
like, i feel like the things that do trigger me are things that i shouldnt have to avoid.
i've started to pick up on the things that do trigger me, i just don't know how to avoid them. i try to wear socks a lot... and as for avoiding laughter- well, i'm not gonna throw myself into an even deeper depression.

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm going to contact that place- i'll try tomorrow, it's a bit late tonight--
my friend said if I needed to go see someone there or go to a group, he would take me if I didn't want to go alone...

But it's not like I'm not a functioning person because of all this-- I've been able to keep my grades up, if not improve them because I sort of threw myself into my work-- and I'm sixth in my class, and I got into one of the top colleges in the nation.
I mean, I have anywhere from 1 to 4 flashbacks a day---
I've had PTSD and it was nothing like this--- I really don't think that's what it is- and I know it can exhibit itself differently, but I really don't think that's what it is...

Also, the more I start remembering what happened because of the flashbacks, the more things trigger them...

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
[sorry, i double posted]

[ 12-16-2007, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: hs123 ]

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My psychiatrist finally called this morning-- He also gave me his cell phone number in case of emergency...
He said he's coming back soon and he wants me to start going to therapy twice a week instead of just once. He also prescribed me an anti-anxiety, just to take if I need it until he gets back, but I don't very much like the idea of that. I don't know- should I go ahead and take it if I feel like I need to?

He also says he's going to start me in group therapy when he gets back-- and that he runs a group for college-aged people, and he thinks that would be better than other places as long as I didn't mind a few guy in the group, which I don't.
My doctor also said we would start talking about relaxation techniques and things like that- but that taking baths sounded like a good idea.
I'm really nervous about group- he said I could have my friend come with me the first few times if it would make me feel better, so I think I'm gonna do that.
I think I'm starting to learn how to avoid things that trigger flashbacks--- I haven't had any today. My friend was here earlier, he made a joke that I was boring him today. I'm glad to be boring for a day.
Anyway, today's a good day- I feel much better, and I'm glad to not have to contact that other place (even though i'm really glad to have the information in case-- Thanks heather) because it says i would have to have an intake appt, and meet with a Legal person-- and I just don't want to go through all that. I don't want to prosecute or anything- I dont even remember what the guys looked like or anything. I couldn't give a valid description if I tried.
But anyway, what do y'all think about the anti-anxiety medicine? SHould I take it if I need to?

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ErinK
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1371

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ErinK     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Take the anti-anxiety medication if you feel like you need to. It's probably something that only works in the short term (unliek an anti-depressant), and it won't be habit-forming.
Posts: 3077 | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ok thanks so much--- I'll try it if i need to-I Still haven't had a flashback all day!!!
Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I was feeling very very panicky earlier today after I got home from school--- like I felt like I was about to have a flashback or something, and I was crying a lot, but i didn't know why so I took the medicine he gave me--- It completely knocked me out-- is that normal? Like, I couldn't keep my eyes open at all... He gave me one prescription for xanax and one for valium--- I took the valium... I couldn't stay awake at all- I woke up feeling much better though, but is that supposed to happen? I didn't have any flashbacks yesterday--- YAY! Technically, I haven't had any flashbacks today either, I've just felt panicky...
Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 7 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Oh, also-- I just wanna say this cuz it needs to be said... I HAVE THE BEST BOYFREIND EVER!!!
He sent me the biggest package today! It had all sorts of stuff in it-- It had scented candles, bubble bath, a teddy bear with one of his shirts on it (he's petite so it fit)- it had relaxation cds, bath salts, lotions, a little thing to put ovr ur eyes when you go to sleep, fuzzy socks, a new really soft robe and some soft slippers... He's amazing!

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ErinK
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1371

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ErinK     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Anti-anxiety meds can make you very sleepy, yes. You can always take half a tablet (cut or break it in half) if you want to lessen the effect of that.

And what a nice thing for your boyfriend to do! I'm glad he's being so supportive.

Posts: 3077 | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm starting group soon and I'm really nervous--- I'm bringing my friend, but I'm still nervous...
Can someone tell me what its going to be like... Does anyone know? Am I going to have to talk about everything? I'm scared everyone's going to just sit and stare, and wait for me to talk--- and nothing ever comes out...

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, your psychiatrist runs the group, so he'd be the one to ask.

All group therapy isn't all the same way, and since this doesn't sound like it's specific to those dealing with rape trauma, I'm not even sure a) why he suggested this particular group for you (especially since if you're the only one in there dealing with rape trauma, it'd put you in a really tough spot to have to talk about it to a whole group of people not sharing that experience) and b) how he intends to run this in terms of what you need, specifically. If this is just a general support group for people of college age, and he earnestly thinks this is the right group for a rape victim, then he's likely got a way he runs it which can work for people with varied issues. What that way is, we've got no way of knowing.

So again, he'd be the person to ask.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
when he suggested it he said it's a group for young ppl who have experienced trauma...
I think I don't want to go.

I'm going to see my boyfriend sunday... I'm extremely nervous about traveling- moreso than ever. I can't shake these constant feelings that something awful is going to happen-- Even though he says the minute I get there he's gonna be there and I won't be alone for a second and not to worry--- I just feel like something bad is gonna happen... i keep feeling this way, everyday.

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You have his cell: you can certainly call and ASK him what to expect with the group, and also talk with him about this continued anxiety.

Logic often doesn't help with situations like this, but if it does, it may be helpful just to remind yourself that because something bad happened once doesn't mean it's going to happen again or again right now. This happens to plenty of people with trauma: some of that is post-traumatic stress, and some of that is (especially if you haven't really dealt with trauma before) simply having something bad happen and having your eyes opened to the fact that no one is charmed, and bad things CAN and DO happen to many of us at some point.

But it's also up to you to figure out what you're up to handling right now and what you are not. If you are not really up to travel -- and this is also something you can ask your therapist for advice about -- then by all means, don't travel.

However, I'd say that if you're up for travel, you can be up for a supportive group, eh?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You're right Heather, logic just doesn't help in this situation. I'm taking all these comfort things to try to make sure I'll feel more comfortable and all, but it really just doesn't ensure anything at this point. Nothing is really a sure thing.
Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The past few days have been ok- no flashbacks for awhile till today--- my friend was with me and he called my boyfriend and put me on the phone with him--
I started group therapy a little earlier than expected because my psychiatrist came back into town. My friend took me--- it didn't really go good or bad--- I didn't really say anything, I just sat there. I think most of the girls in the group are assault victims, I think the boys are abuse/violence victims and maybe some of the girls too... most of them are either a year or two older than me also...I think I'm sort of in between age groups-- I'm not adolescent, but I'm not an adult. I felt really awkward.
This is what I feel like everytime--- By the time I've built up (in my head) the nerve to say something, the opportunity to say something has passed- so I never end up saying anything. And I never have enough nerve to call attention to myself to actually say it.

Now I'm really really nervous about this trip. My boyfriend is being a little unsympathetic because I'm an extremely nervous traveler anyway, but I don't think he realizes how nervous I am this time. I'm trying not to think about it, but I know I'm gonna end up calling him freaking out.

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hs123
Activist
Member # 35336

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hs123     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
so I'm back from my trip... it was good and bad...
we broke up, well, not really... but it's clear that we can both see it coming. he's still my best friend, and we decided whatever happened, we would always be best friends, but we both know our relationship is going to slowly fizzle out-- and maybe that'll be better for both of us since we can stlil be friends.
we've just grown apart, but at the same time, i dont think it's mutual. he wants to break up, and i don't. i want to try and make it work- but i can tell he doesnt.
it was hard. we spent 2 nights together. the first night we just made out and lay around with each other, but the second, we went farther (manual sex)--- it was hard for me, but im so attracted to him, i couldn't resist. i freaked out once because he grabbed my wrists like he used to, and i started screaming for him to stop. he immediately got off of me, and he was so considerate and he just let me cry for awhile. the memories that were going through my head were awful, and we sat and talked about it for awhile-- he told me it would be good for me to talk about it. when we started up again, i still couldn't reach orgasm- which i know is expected and i was okay with it, but he seemed so dissapointed, like he was a failure. i kept trying to reassure him that he wasn't, but he felt so bad... (except for the first few times we were together, ive always reached orgasm with him)

at least, we both realized we have feelings for other people that we've just suppresed since we were with each other.
he assured me that no matter what we were gonna be best friends forever.
in terms of the flashbacks. they've lessened. but when i do have them, i start to remember things that i dont want to remember, so i try not to. id rather not remember all that happened, what i already rememebr is bad enough.

To be honest, i dont know whether or not i was actually raped or not. that's the biggest realization i've had. that i might actually have been raped. to think of anyone touching me at all, anyone who was not my boyfriend, or someone i trust, is horrifying. that's waht i'm dealing with now.

the way i'm coping. well, i'm not. i ignore everything until i have a flashback... at least i've gained enough control with my flashbacks to be able to call a friend. he usually comes over and he starts a bubble bath and helps me in. it's become sort of routine... i call crying, he comes over, starts the bath, puts me in, and sits on the side until i stop crying. but at least the flashbacks are more few and far between

but all i can say is, at least i'm not thinking about it all the time anymore. mostly just during the flashbacks... sometimes i make remarks though, i was with my boyfriend and i said something that upset him. i said somethinga bout how i wanted him to walk me back to where i was staying because i was scared of getting raped. he got extremely upset with me, hes trying to ignore that anything happened.
the flashbacks have diminished somewaht, but when i have them they are stil so bad that i have to call my friend to help me.but at least now ive built up the strength to deal wiht them.

it's good to know that my boyfriend/best friend will be by my side no matter what.

Posts: 401 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
  This topic comprises 2 pages: 1  2   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3