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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Crush on Muslim man- now I'm a harasser!

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Author Topic: Crush on Muslim man- now I'm a harasser!
PollyZee
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It's been bizarre!

What happened as an innocent coffee date which I invited him (after his work), turned out to be him leaning heavily on me to go to his place. I refused. He says, "I love you - that night." We were to go to lunch the next day and then he was too lazy to walk to a neutral location to meet me. Then he loses my phone number.

He doesn't call me back. I develop a huge crush on the guy. He says he loves me but there can be no future for us, "Muslims can't date."

I kept going to his work asking him to go to coffee with me afterwards. I called his home a couple of times and visited once w/his permission (to drop off info- he was sick).

Now he says I'm harassing him and he'll call the police the next time I see him or speak to him at his work or call his home; I'm a customer at his employer's business.

Anyone have trouble like this with a Muslim man?

Did he think I was a promiscuous woman to score and then re-evaluated his position. I think Muslim men may think fornication=crime. It seems this guy is paranoid - he also won't look me in the face (could be cultural).

I will stay away but I feel so bad...dumped, falsely accused, set up, confused. I had told him I loved him.

Help! I need comfort, support and empathy. My friends yell at me because they thought I was crazy to have a crush on this guy. They thought he was a big zero because he wasn't on a career track making a lot of money.

Help me get over this!

Posts: 7 | From: San Francisco Bay Area, CA., USA | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
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Hi PollyZee,
It sounds to me like this man was pretty confused about what he wanted and unfortunately he drew you into it. Of course you're not crazy, you know, we end up having crushes on all sorts of people. Im sorry you feel so bad too...heres hoping there will be someone much better for you around the corner.

I think there are some cultural issues here but nothing that excuses the way he treated you. My understanding of Islam is that a Muslim man may only be with a Muslim woman, sex is something that happens in a marriage only, and yeah he shouldnt be looking at women other than his wife or prospective wife. I dont know, maybe he's finding it hard to compromise between his religion and his desires, but you weren't to blame for that.

Take care

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PollyZee
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Thank you eryn for replying to my bizarre scenario.

He's a Gemini and I believe he's fighting himself.

I did research and found what he was trying to introduce to me was a 'mut'a', temporary marriage (fixed beginning and ending period). This would be illegal without a witness.

He hit the panic button when I said I needed to talk to his Muslim 'brother' about finding a solution for 'our problem'. I guess he wanted everything to be covert.

I know I'm not a boogie man/woman.

I think this man is very confused and taking it out on me.

I don't want to be a criminal or considered a nut case so this guy is DEAD TO ME now.

Thank you for your support.
OH! BTW, Muslim men can marry Jewish or Christian women with out the women converting but it is forbidden for a Muslim women to marry a non-Muslim.

Thank you again for your shoulder to cry on!

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Narwhal
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Polly,

I'm sorry this happened to you. Just so you know, "temporary marriage" isn't even widely accepted among Muslims, and if this is what he was aiming for, and if he was trying to keep it a secret from the rest of the community, then you're definitely better off being away from this guy. It doesn't sound like he was considering what is best for you at all.

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PollyZee
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So, my fella Scaleteens,

the plot thickens.

Upon my research, my 'beloved' is a Sunni Muslim and according to what I've read, this sect does not believe in muta or temporary marriages. The man had me originally scoped out as a 'one-night-stander' for which he would have conveniently washed his hands of me after his vacation.

It would have been fine if I was that kind of girl BUT my value system does not allow for that.

That kind of rejection would have crushed me.

Although I should be very angry at him, I'm not. I love the guy (but have kept away) and am VERY DISAPPOINTED that he saw me that way. I praise the Lord that He gave me enough common sense to hesitate at any unseemly proposals although it was very tempting. The idea of having sex with someone and flat out cold never, ever, seeing him again although he is available puts a spear into my heart. It's not like he's going to war the next day.

My friend says that at least he considered me attractive enough to have a fling with. But if he's that way, he doesn't need to be discriminatory at all. He can just put out $$ and have a prostitute.

I cried and still cry but I'm glad that I was cautious.

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Heather
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Am I correct in understanding that this is all about one date, or am I missing something?

Either way, this isn't sounding to me like it has anything to do with this man being Muslim, and I'm a bit uncomfortable with it being framed that way here.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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orca
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I really am not sure how this is tied up in religious matters. Is this guy even a practicing, devout Muslim? I know plenty of people who are Muslim, come from Muslim families, but don't practice. It just feels like there's a bit of stereotyping here and I can't figure out if any of what you're saying about his religion even applies to him in particular.

Either way, it sounds like he just didn't want a relationship. If he did say he loved you, that wasn't right of him to lead you on like that, but if he doesn't want a relationship, then it might be best to let it go, especially if he's feeling threatened by you and has said he'll call the police. In future though, I wouldn't believe someone who says "I love you" after one night. Love takes longer than one night to develop, despite whatever myths Hollywood might have about it.

--------------------
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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PollyZee
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I asked this man why he couldn't go to 'coffee with me' after Ramadan (one month after coffee).

His reply was 'Muslims don't date'.

My take, very confusing. I think he thinks 'date' means sex.

Anyways, my friend asked an acquaintance that was Muslim how was the guy supposed to behave. The Muslima said what he did wasn't right - as he had asked me point blank, twice, when I invited him to coffee if my friend was going to come along. "You are coming alone, without Xyz, right?"

My friend overheard it as a command. I heard it as an innocent question.

She said the proper way to court would have been to say, "I'd like to go out with you but we need to have a friend with us. We are not supposed to be alone. Could your friend come with us?" This Muslima is from the same country of origin as the guy.

I am now convinced that he wanted to bed me. My friend is melodramatic and said 'date rape'. Either way, both our heads were in different places.

I think he made a last gasp effort that night to bed me by saying "I love you." When I coyly refused to French kiss him and left him off at his apt.

He was too sick the next day to walk 2 blocks to a neutral location and was perturbed that I wouldn't go up to his apt anyway.

Anyways, being pissed is good for me because it replaces the sad feelings of lovesickness. One of the recovery books recommends it.

The good feature is someone thought I was attractive enough to have casual sex with. The bad part would have been 'love 'em and leave 'em cold'.

I truly believe between Ramadan occuring nearly a week after the coffee date and his very close friend from hs coming to live with him that week, his conscience got the better of him and he decided what we did is zina (forbidden, sexual sin which is immoral). In Shaira countries, sexual sin is a crime subject to physical punishment. I don't know if his community would have instigated this on him in his homeland or he just wanted to dump me.

I did get to French kiss him 3X (before parting)when he told me a month later, after work, we would just be friends. Course, he didn't explain what 'friends meant' and of course he had to RUSH off.

I need to remember the negatives so I can emphasize to my brain "my beloved" is an allusion I created quite possibly because I was manipulated the first time. I do recall some things he did that suggest neurolingustic programming--the power of suggestion.

The first thing out of his mouth as "You're late". I was only 4 mins. late. Then I had to wait 15 mins. for him to finish his ppwk at work.

Yeah, I'm behaving like an inexperienced adolescent. As far as social experience dating, I am inexperienced. That doesn't excuse him from being a rude BUTT.

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Narwhal
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From this post, I'm not seeing where you get the conclusion he wanted casual sex, unless he said or did something that's not mentioned here.

In any case it sounds like the two of you wanted different things--and that perhaps he was confused about what he wanted. Certainly differences in religion can play into that, but it could happen with any two people.

And unless you wanted to marry him, his doing right by you in the strictest sense of Islamic law probably wouldn't have helped much. [Smile]

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Heather
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quote:
Yeah, I'm behaving like an inexperienced adolescent. As far as social experience dating, I am inexperienced. That doesn't excuse him from being a rude BUTT.
You know, I don't see any reason here to insult yourself, seriously. And you're right: when someone is just a jerk, there's no excuse. But I don't think, from what I can see, that this has much, if anything, to do with his being Muslim.

I do, though, think that this is a LOT of drama and investment for ONE DATE. I also think that if after one date, if I had someone showing up at my work endlessly, I'd feel a little freaked out, and might be inclined to behave less well than I would otherwise. And you're talking here about loving someone (he may have said "I love you," but that doesn't somehow "program" the other person to feel love, a tough thing to do for someone you don't really know) you went on one date with, and getting a bigger crush on them without even seeing them anymore: if he felt any of that, that can actually be...well, a bit scary.

No matter what? I think that when you have one date and someone doesn't want to come back for a second, it's a thing you just let go. It's not something you should be investing hours of internet research on, spending time developing theories about, etc. I don't see anything to recover from here: a first date, no matter how great, is the first of two people just getting to know each other and trying something out. in the future, it might help you to see first dates as only that: it's just barely trying something on, and a potential start of the longer process of trying each other on gradually over time. But plenty of first dates never see a second date, and nothing major has to happen to net that result. I know that that kind of rejection stings, especialy if you thought it was the start of something bigger, but it happens all the time and is a normal part of life and dating.

In a word, move on, gal. Really. It was just a date, not a conspiracy. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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PollyZee
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Yeah. Time to do an attitude adjustment and move on. I am reading a book on using self hypnosis techniques to heal a broken heart. As, I am fortunate this was a fairly brief episode, my recovery should be faster than a 'long term' relationship. The pain is fading.

The reason 'we' (my friend and I) believe he was after casual sex and did a 180 deg. turn was we talked to a Muslim guy (totally unrelated and apart from this other experience) at a bookstore. He said an unrelated man and woman should never be alone except in a well traveled public place (e.g. bookstore, restaurant) because it is said, "When a man and woman are alone, there are three. The couple and Satan."

Ergo, it is not proper for a faithful, single Muslim man to invite a single woman to his home.

In our society, it is even risky for a woman to accept going to a single man's apartment on the first few dates (per my surrogate mother). By her suggestion, that is why I didn't go up to his apt on the second day.

"Guard my heart" will have to be my motto, as I seem to be overly romantic, naive, and obsessively involved. I need to take care of number one and tread discriminately.

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Narwhal
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Polly, there are a few things in this thread that I'd like to address, per Islam and Muslims and how this whole thing is being framed. First, as has been mentioned, the fact that this guy disappointed you, and perhaps handled the situation badly, is not about his being Muslim, and I'm profoundly uncomfortable with its being made a religious matter.

Partly this is because, well, his behavior just isn't about his being Muslim. A guy who was Protestant, or agnostic, or Hindu, etc. could just as easily have acted this way. And partly it's because some of the statements in your posts, about what Islam says, are either inaccurate, or are really only in line with what the most extreme Muslims believe, not with what the overwhelming majority practice. So for that reason as well, it's not fair to focus so heavily on his religion.

And for me personally, as someone who has worked pretty extensively with Muslim communities, and who has worked pretty hard to combat religious intolerance, this just isn't something I can be silent about.

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Heather
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That said -- and that was important to have been said, thanks Narwhal -- I think at this point, especially since I don't see anything further to discuss, I'm going to go ahead and close this thread.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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