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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » i'm really lost

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Author Topic: i'm really lost
Rae**
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Okay well i have recently relapsed back into my eating disorder which I have had for about five years, i 'recovered' during my first year at university and was fine over the past summer, but i started my second year a few months ago and things have gotten quite bad again, i have also started cutting again which i hadn't done for over a year and generally feeling quite down. But my main issue is that i have a new boyfriend who is amazing, and we have been together for about three months now. I really like him and i know he cares about me, but i don't want him to touch me and i get very uncomfortable if he does, he has noticed and asked about it, but I really don't know what to say or why i don't feel comfortable, my previous boyfriend was quite forceful and when i was with him my eating disorder was at its worst. I'm not sure if i'm scared my new boyfriend will be like this even though I know he's not at all and he is now concerned he's doing something wrong. I have heard that people with ED's sometimes don't like physical contact and i'm wondering if that has something to do with it as well as i do have bad body images. I really need some advice because i don't want to lose him because of this or make him feel like he's doing something wrong.
Posts: 7 | From: Reading | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Firefly-
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Hi Rae,

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time. Sending hugs your way.

Have you seen a counselor or therapist for your eating disorder and cutting? If not, I recommend that you look into that through your university. Most have a counseling service that can point you in good directions. You can also go to your GP and talk to him/her about what you're dealing with, and they can refer you to someone, or counsel you in there. It can be really hard/impossible to deal with this stuff alone, so getting help is really important.

You're definitely welcome to continue posting here and we can help you as much as possible, but I definitely recommend in person help on top of that.

Good luck!

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cool87
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Welcome to Scarleteen Rae !

I'm sorry you are such in a rough spot right now. I get that all of this isn't easy. Eating disorders and self-harm can be really hard stuff to get over, especially without any help. So I was wondering if you were getting any help from a counselor or, in the case you're not, if that's something you're thinking about doing ?

Also, just to clarify, when you're talking about being uncomfortable when your current boyfriend touches you, is it about physical contact in general or only in a sexual setting ? You also said your last boyfriend has been forceful with you, do you want to elaborate more on that ?

(Edited:Blysse beat me to it ! [Smile] )

[ 11-20-2007, 09:15 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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LivingTree
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Oh, hon, that sure sounds like a lot to deal with. . .

You mention that you're at a university-- pretty much all universities offer free and confidential counseling services. That could be a huge source of support for you in dealing with the ED, the cutting, and the baggage from the previous relationship. (You didn't get more specific than "forceful", but "forceful" in regards to sex raises *major* red flags.)

And it totally makes sense that the previous relationship is affecting your current one. If your boyfriend is indeed worth keeping, he'll understand if you tell him that that you need to deal with negative memories regarding touch and sex before you can have positive experiences. And it sure sounds like he cares about you and wants to support you in this.

(woah-- 2 other replies while I was typing! )

[ 11-20-2007, 09:26 PM: Message edited by: LivingTree ]

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Rae**
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hi thanks for all your replies. As for the counselling, i know that there is a service at my uni but i'm not sure if i want to go, I feel sort of unworthy (i'm not sure what word to use) as at the moment i don't think i'm at an unhealthy weight, and the first time i told someone about my ED they just said 'well you don't look sick', I know that it is not about how you look but i can't get that phrase out of my head. But i will keep it in mind and try to go at some point.

As for the touching, yes it is physical contact in general and my boyfriend says he can feel me tense up which i didn't even realise i was doing, as for my last boyfriend i have never actually spoken about it, as i feel it was partly my fault for not being assertive enough. We were watching a film on my bed and he pushed me back quite harshly which suprised me i think and then he started touching me and forced his hand down my jeans i told him to stop, which he did but only after a while, it happened a couple of times similar to this. I'm not sure if this is why or not as i feel responsible for this as well.

Posts: 7 | From: Reading | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
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People with ED don't need to look sick in order for them to have ED. In fact, plenty of people with ED, on the outside, just look like totally normal person and no one can tell based on their look whether or not they are dealing with ED. There's a reason why some people are able to hide their eating disorder, it's because it is not always that obvious. Thinking everyone with ED has near nothing on the bone is a false assumption that, unfortunatly, a lot of people, not knowing much about the condition, might make.

I think the person who told you that you didn't seem to have ED since you didn't look sick was either being insensitive (I personally wouldn't say something like that to someone who confide in me that he/she has an eating disorder. That wouldn't be my first reaction.) or she just was ignorant about eating disorders in the first place or well both. And you can rest reassured that this is NOT the way any good counselor will act with you.

And really, the sooner you'll reach for help, the best it will be. It doesn't necessarily have to be a counselor at your university, it can be another one if you prefer. Of course, understand that if that's not something you are ready for right now, then there are no hurting in waiting until you are a bit more ready and that you also don't have to reach for help if that's not something you want to do but I'm just thinking that this could really help you. Also, my point is, you not being at an unhealthy weight doesn't mean you don't need help (anyone with an eating disorder need some !)nor does it make you any less worthy of getting help. Really. It's been going on for some time now, some years even, so counseling is something that might really benefit you if you are up for it. Might be worth giving it at least a try !

I'm really sorry for what happened with your last partner honey. But I want you to understand that HE was the only one at fault in all this, you weren't. HE was the only one responsible for his actions, HE is the one who did this to you not you and that you not having been assertive enough has nada to do with what happened. In fact, you were assertive and told him to stop and he ignored that and continued and even did it over again. So really don't blame you for that honey. You are not at fault in this. HE is. Not you. He is the one who should be ashamed of what he did because what he did was totally PLAIN WRONG and he had no right whatsoever to do such things to you.

I know how hard this can all be. I just want you to know that it is also pretty normal for you to be feeling the way you are right now with your current partner. It can be pretty typical.

What I'd suggest doing, if you think a relationship is something you are ready for at this point (this might be worth thinking about that some), is sitting down with your current partner and explaining to him the current situation. You don't have to tell him about what happened with your last boyfriend if you aren't comfortable yet, that's not necessarily what I suggest. What I suggest is simply explaining to him that you aren't comfortable when he touches you, and that you have reasons for that, that there are things that happened and that explain that but which you just aren't comfortable talking about yet at this point, and so that you'd prefer if there was no touching for a while at least until you get to the point where you feel comfortable with it. If he is a caring partner he should understand and support you through this. Counseling could be of great help in helping you deal with this on top of being a great help for dealing with your eating disorder as well. Those two things are often related to one another so I think it might be best to adress both issues.

(And thanks for sharing your story btw, I know this can be hard but I'm glad you were able to. [Smile] )

[ 11-22-2007, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rae**
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sorry haven't been on for ages, i had a lack of internet when i went home for the winter holidays. But thank you so much for the advice, it has helped a lot. Over the holidays me and my bf talked a lot about things, I haven't told him everything i just told him what was making me uncomfortable, he was understanding which made me feel a lot better. Since then i've definitley become more comfortable with him so things are looking up in that respect, so thanks for the advice, talking actually does help a lot.

As for the eating problems things aren't so good, in fact getting worse, which is, i don't know really, i'm back at uni now which i don't think is helping, as while i was at home things weren't great but i was eating bits, i don't really now what to do but i am considering counselling if it gets any worse, but atm recovery is not looking likely, i feel totally lost if i'm not in control, and at the moment my ed seems safe some how, i don't know if that makes any sense but thats how i feel.

anyway enough rambling, thank you for the all the advice.

Posts: 7 | From: Reading | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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Welcome back!

I'm glad to hear that you've been able to open up to your boyfriend.

If you feel that you are slipping back into your eating disorder, it would really be best to get help as soon as you can. It does make sense when you say that you feel safe in your ED, but I'm sure you understand that it's not a healthy way of regaining control over your life. There are more healthy ways of coping, and a therapist can help you find those.

You say you've been in recovery. Did you get there through counseling? If so, maybe giving that counselor a call would be a good thing to do now. If not, how about reaching out now? Since you're at university, you can take advantage of the resources they offer, or you can try to find something else nearby. But it does seem like there's no point in waiting - you should get help righ away.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Rae**
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Member # 35857

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Okay my life has been thrown around quite a lot recently so I'm sorry for not replying earlier. I took time out from university earlier in the year because of depression, I did go to a counsellor but I hated it and it wasn't really helping me at all. Oh and no I didn't have counselling for my previous attempt at recovery, its was a self attempt but it wasn't successful.

I'm not feeling as low as I was but my weight has dropped quite signifcantly. Also my parents are getting a divorce so I have been dealing with that and its not easy.
So anyway today I am planning to talk to my boyfriend about everything leaving nothing out, he has noticed my weight loss and that I have been upset recently and he said last week he wanted to help but that I just didn't open up to him. So I think its time to let someone in. Thank you for your help =)

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Heather
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Rae, have you perhaps spent any time seeing about any support groups of others with EDs? If a therapist didn't help (though it might have just been due to THAT therapist: we usually have to shop around a little), that might be a better fit for you.

Or, have you considered in-patient treatment?

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Rae**
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Well I've decided that at the moment i'm just not ready to attempt recovery. and I can't consider in-patient right now as I'm heading into my final year at university and as my course is highly competative I need to keep my place. I will hopefully be competing in BUSA next year with my university so that knowledge is helping me to eat small amounts so I stay healthy enough. I may see a different counsellor at university just to see if they are different or better for me than the one I saw at home.
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