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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » negative views about sex

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Author Topic: negative views about sex
cool87
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I sometimes have moments where that's how I feel about sex in general. I find sometimes that I feel disgusted by sex. Also, for a lack of other words, I have moments where I'd feel "dirty" or feel like "a slut" or something like that if I have sex. I know it doesn't make any sense and that's not how one should feel about sex at all but that's how I feel sometimes. And I hate feeling that way.

I'm trying to process my thoughts as to what it could be linked to. I don't think I've been raised in an environment where sex wasn't perceived well, so I don't think that is the likely reason for it. Another thing I thought could maybe be the culprit here was my rape and past unhealthy relationships I've engaged in. Could abuse/rape/unhealthy relationships change this much how one perceives sex ? I feel I'm the only one dealing with this but yet there is millions of survivors out there. Maybe that's just a false assumption I made, any help figuring this out would be appreciated.

Also, has anyone here ever went through the same thing ?

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SFgrrrl
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I wrote a post about this like a week or two ago, actually. I definitely have negative feelings about sex sometimes (and especially about me and sex, not necessarily about other people having sex).

Like intellectually, I think there's nothing wrong with sex. I'm very open-minded and non-judgmental of other people's actions, so long as they respect their partners and treat them well. But I was definitely raised with this idea that sex is almost always about men taking advantage of women, or about men getting their way, or whatever. Also my parents always told me growing up that I, personally, was not mature enough for sex, and that if teenage girls/young women were interested in sex, they were actually just seeking it for social validation.

So umm... yeah I've totally got that thing going on where intellectually, I think very calm and cool thoughts about the whole thing... but emotionally, I tend to be distrustful of myself (my ability to know what I want) and others (their motives) and enough anxiety around it can sort of turn into feelings of disgust, I think...

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SFgrrrl
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Also, as far as feeling like a slut goes, I think you absolutely can't discount the influence our culture has on that.

I mean movies, porn, obnoxious stuff guys say, all can contribute to a madonna/whore complex, even if your parents didn't perpetuate it at home.

And finally, yes it is my understanding that rape and negative relationships contribute to negative views of sex (not all that surprising, really).

I heard an older guy complain that women his age were usually "jaded" about love and sex because they generally had been screwed over by a guy at some point or another. (Of course, I also felt this guy was being immature because he used that as justification to frequently date younger women)

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cool87
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quote:
screwed over by a guy at some point or another
That's just how I feel.

I would say too that the negative feelings I have about sex concerns mostly me but it does concern other people (depending on the situation)too sometimes, just less.

I also found that, although it's pretty much everything, there is specific things that disguss me more when it comes to sex. I wouldn't say I feel disgusted everytime though (or else I wouldn't be having sex), but there are times where I am.

One thing I was wondering was if this was likely to get better with time with help ? I know that sometimes things like that can be really hard to change so that's why I was wondering.

[ 11-08-2007, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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Do you feel this way no matter what the sex you're having is like?

In other words, sometimes, sex with someone can get rapey. maybe we're talking about doing something you're doing mostly or entirely because you feel you have to for a partner, or an activity that's triggering for you. It's very sound in those cases to feel yucked-out.

But if we're talking about any kind of sex at all, at any time, even when you are feeling seriously amazing (are we?) that's kind of a different story.

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cool87
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Well that's how I feel during intercourse (like everytime) and that's also how I feel sometimes when I perform oral or manual sex on my current partner. Also, sometimes, I'll be okay in the heat of the moment but then I'll look back at it after and have those feelings.

[ 11-08-2007, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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Well, when you know it's only happening with certain activities, or when certain dynamics with those activities are involved, that really is something you can control by either a) opting out of those activities for now, and/or b) discussing with partners how to do them with dynamics that do NOT make you feel that way.

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Sore Throat
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Wow, this is so weird that I found this topic because I was just having a conversation with my friend the other day about this.

She told me she felt sorry/sad for me because I felt that sex was dirty, and I corrected her and said, "No I only feel it's dirty when people do it with people they don't love."
I still feel this way, and I certainly do not think you are out of the norm' in thinking that sex is dirty/disgusted by sex, as I often am. I am disgusted by what others do with sex and by myself and sex.

I definitely believe it has something to do with this society and pornography and things.

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Heather
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Let's just step a little lightly with some of this, okay? Plenty of people have sex they enjoy, and which they and their partners experience as healthy or beneficial for them with people they may not be in love with, or love, but who they sure like a lot, who they care for in some other way, and who, love or not, they treat with respect.

We really don't want to make people feel the sex they are having is "dirty" or negative just because it doesn't meet someone's criteria for when makes it feel good (or what, in their experience so far, has made it feel good, or what, in no experience, is simply an ideal) for THEM.

[ 11-08-2007, 02:57 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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cool87
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Well, yeah....I guess it always come back to not doing in things which I am not comfortable yet at this point. I just wish sometimes there was another way. I feel limited, like I have some sort of handicap when it comes to sex.

I could for sure try to talk this out with him but at the same time, that's something we've already tried so I am not sure that will change anything.

So, yeah I think I'm left with taking a break from those kinds of sex.

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Heather
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I can't encourage you enough to do what you can NOT to think about not simply liking to do something as being a handicap.

It's especially not sensible when it comes to sex, because you will really only VERY infrequently come across a person who likes to do everything sexual a person can possibly do.

Really, it sounds to me like part of the issue is still you doing things a partner wants and you don't, again and again, and that is likely compounded by you thinking there is something deficient about YOU for not liking to do certain things, period, or just right now.

And with a partner who did not make a federal case out of this stuff, and was truly adaptable, this would likely not be such a huge deal. Too, of course, is the issue of having a sex partner at all if that just isn't something that's right for you right now. We don't all always need sex partners, honey. There are plenty of times in our lives when we markedly may need NOT to have them. And that doesn't mean something is wrong with us, or that we're deficient.

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Heather
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Cool, I just remember too that you've spoken about also being attracted to women.

In the case that you really aren't even all that attracted to men, it'd be unsurprising if the sexual activities which involved male genitals just happened to also be those which leave you feeling ishy.

So, it might also be worth thinking on that some. If you really don't feel like you have an actual sexual attraction to men -- which includes very much wanting to have sex with them and enjoying kinds of sex with them -- and think it may be possible you're dating them simply because that's who you think you SHOULD be dating, or who asks you out, then it might be time to maybe....well, not date them.

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SFgrrrl
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Sorry I don't mean to co-opt the thread, or to rehash old stuff, but given the advice you just gave cool, what would you say about someone who very much enjoys making out with men, but possibly feels ishy about male genitals?

By the way, I have found The Erotic Mind and the Kinsey Report book pretty interesting. I don't think they've solved all my problems, but they've certainly done a better job of convincing me that a lot of people have hang-ups for a lot of different reasons mostly out of their control, and maybe I shouldn't be so embarassed about discussing mine frankly.

[ 11-08-2007, 10:00 PM: Message edited by: SFgrrrl ]

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Heather
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quote:
what would you say about someone who very much enjoys making out with men, but possibly feels ishy about male genitals?
It doesn't make sense, really, to talk about these things as orientation issues and only talk about one sex or gender. In other words, if the idea or actuality of sex with WOMEN doesn't feel at all ishy -- rather, feels great -- and one cannot say the same as men, it certainly makes sense to look at orientation issues as a strong possibility.

And I'm glad you've enjoyed the books. I was busy with other parts of the site this week, but was going to look out for you tonight to check in and see how everything has been going for you, SFgrrrl.

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cool87
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quote:
Really, it sounds to me like part of the issue is still you doing things a partner wants and you don't, again and again.
It might. Yeah. I don't know but I feel like I'm really boring if I don't engage in some of the stuff he likes. I prefer petting, cuddling, oral and manual sex and he likes that too but often it won't be enough for him...he would like and prefer to have intercourse so we'll have it but I will just wish it can be over so we can do other things because it kinda just freaks me out and it won't really feel pleasurable because I'll be really tensed but I feel like I have to do it because he likes it and he expects it of me and I'll be boring if I don't and stuff like that. And I feel it's going to be the same with every other partner. Part of me is also frustrated with not feeling comfortable during intercourse so I don't know maybe part of engaging in it is feeling this will get better if I do it over and over again. I know it doesn't make sense but that's how I feel.

I don't mind giving him oral or manual sex but sometimes I'd feel disgusted after doing it just like I feel very very disgusted when I look back at what I did with my other partners. I just feel disgusted because I dated older men, I feel like a 'slut'' or something like that. And when I now engage in any kind sex with men that's often how I'm going to feel also. I don't think it matters what kind of sex activity we engage in.

quote:
Cool, I just remember too that you've spoken about also being attracted to women.
That's something I'm still trying to figure out. I'm emotionnally attracted to them but do I want to very much have sex with them ? I don't know. Thinking about me having sex with a women is like ''weird'' for me, I don't know how to describe it. I don't think it necessarily means I'm not attracted to them though, I think it might just have something to do with me not having had experience this stuff before, I don't know. I mean when you have always been having sex with guys and suddenly you think about having sex with a women this might seem a little weird because you are not used to it, right ? So I don't know. I haven't really stopped and tried to figure that out yet. There's like plenty of questions popping in my mind but that are left unanswered.

I think I'm attracted to guys though. Do I very much want to have sex with them ? I don't know but I do know that I don't feel so comfortable doing so.

I don't know...sometimes I feel sex with a women would be so much easier...

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cool87
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I'd appreciate if someone could help me figure that (the last part) out.

[ 11-09-2007, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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SFgrrrl
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"It doesn't make sense, really, to talk about these things as orientation issues and only talk about one sex or gender. In other words, if the idea or actuality of sex with WOMEN doesn't feel at all ishy -- rather, feels great -- and one cannot say the same as men, it certainly makes sense to look at orientation issues as a strong possibility."

Well, for me it's sort of like a... I dunno. I fantasize mainly about men, and any sex dreams for me have always been about men. But like, in real-life I am attracted to some women too. And like I've said before, it is easier for me to picture the details of having various sorts of sex with women, and that doesn't make me feel ishy. It's not that I would necessarily know how to please a woman on the first try, but I'd at least have a general idea, and the idea of asking a woman and having a frank discussion about sex doesn't intimidate me the same way the idea of talking to a male partner does.

Whereas /sometimes/ trying to picture the details of sex with men, especially certain kinds of sex like oral or manual, will make me pretty uncomfortable.

I've always been most inclined to think of myself as bi, and maybe sometime I should just try having sex with a woman, to see if I like that better (not that I've been particularly avoiding it, I almost dated one woman).

I do think experience may make some difference. It's like, before I was sexually active with a man for the first time, I guess I didn't really know what to expect. Everything about his body and my body too was sort of a surprise to me (I really hadn't had any sort of sexual experience before that, not even masturbation).

And too, although I am not really sure, I have wondered whether part of my anxiety around male genitals has to do with feeling coerced. Because with the other sexual partners I've had, although it was hard for me to be honest with myself about it I /have/ felt coerced, and I have felt sort of anxious. With this new guy, I didn't at all, and when we were making out I touched him of my own volition. And I was still timid, but maybe not anxious to the same degree.

I was on vacation two weeks ago, and this past week he had a cold, so I haven't exactly had a chance to talk to him about my concerns, or to try anything else with him. I did go out with his friends though, and that went fine. He seems to get plenty of attention from women, but I'm pretty good at not being jealous.

[ 11-10-2007, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: SFgrrrl ]

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SFgrrrl
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It has occured to me that maybe a lot of my uneasiness or mixed feelings about sex stem at their core from a feeling like embarassment (or shame?) I guess those feelings are what, essentially a belief you've done something wrong or something?

Anyway, to make a long story short (mainly b/c I had typed out a longer version, and then much to my frustration accidentally deleted it) I experienced someone going down on me for the first time last night. I handled it better than I thought I would -in the sense that I communicated pretty openly, and I managed to look him straight in the eye afterwards. But I am still blushing furiously sitting alone in my room a day later. I guess sex is embarassing for most young people at some point -so do people tend to outgrow reactions like that?

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