All the **** I don't tell the people I know.
When you are depressed, I feel like most people will tell you youíve got nothing to be depressed about. But when I look at my life, and I say yea, Iíve got nothing to be depressed about, in the back of my mind I can feel all the things that haunt me snicker. Because I am depressed sometimes, and sometimes it wonít go away. I used to cut. It started out as a social thing. My friends did, so I did too. It was cool; in that group it was the thing to do. And I knew I could stop, anytime I wanted. Until I realized what it did to me. It gave me control. Any time I was depressed, it was about aspects in my life I had no control over, and the cutting gave me back a sense of power. I can catalogue my scars; there are three events, and many minor abrasions. The grotesque reminder on my left shoulder is the breakup of a best friendship. I dated my best friend, he broke up with me. It was the first time Iíd even been dumped. We dated for less than a month, we didnít fight, we didnít stop getting along, we justÖstopped talking; communication failed, and I still donít understand how it happened. The second main event happened on my upper left thigh, think prom night 06í. I was a sophomore; my boyfriend was a junior at a different school. Enter my first abusive relationship. He didnít hit me, he just checked my phone for messages and numbers, got mad when I talked to other guys, made comments like ďI donít understand, the rest of you is so skinny, why does your stomach stick out like that.Ē, and made me feel guilty, like it was all my fault. He introduced me to weed, and he introduced me to sexual contact. He wanted me to have sex with him, but I knew I wasnít ready, and Iíd learned that he didnít recognize the meaning of the word ďnoĒ. He knew I cut, and he disliked it, probably because he wanted something that fit his ideals of perfection, i.e. someone with a stomach that didnít ďstick out like thatĒ. So the day of prom I took a razor blade to my leg. And it worked. In the limo when he stuck his hands up my dress and felt the open wounds, he stopped. At the dance, he didnít touch my in any sexual way. After the dance I would almost call it rape. My third and final adventure was rape, no matter what anyone else says. I was drunk, drunk and stupid, and he was sober, sober and two years older. Sober and a legal adult. And we had sex. And I consented. I know that I did, after he asked seven or eight times. I cut, because Iíd lost the last piece of me that was good, because by that time I was pretty damn bad. Iím coming to realize Iíve always self medicated. After I learned to write instead of cut, I started drinking and smoking, and cutting in-between. I havenít cut since he violated me, that was eight months ago. I havenít been drunk in two months, and I havenít been high in five. This is good, for me. But it makes me afraid, because Iím pretty sure itís not good enough. And recently, I've been restricting. It started out as a diet, a way to lose those two or three pounds around the middle, but two or three turned into ten. My mom tells me to eat, my boyfriend tells me to eat, but all I can see is the fat that's still there. I never thought I would end up here.
Hi, reonz. Thank you for trusting us enough to tell us about your troubles.
Unfortunately, there's only so much we can do as a site; we serve mostly as a sexuality clearing-house. It sounds like you really need to get in touch with somebody who's trained to listen constructively and can help you form a plan to find help in your local area, if you decide on it.
One such resource I highly recommend is Covenant House's "Nineline" resource. You can contact them through email if it feels less threatening for you ( http://www.nineline.org/ ) or by phone at 1-800-999-9999. They have trained crisis counselors available 24/7 and are highly experienced in all sorts of problems and crises.
It can be so helpful to let all this out to somebody who can listen and provide constructive advice, not to mention referrals for help in your area. Why not give them a call?
Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005
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