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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » I can't trust men

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Author Topic: I can't trust men
bellaitaliana69
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Since my last relationship ended, I have been completely incapable of trusting any guys who are anywhere near my age. With my last relationship, the guy had been basically my best friend for three years and we had feelings for eachother on and off. We told eachother everything and our friendship was so perfect. We dated for about a month and I lost my virginity to him. But then, out of nowhere he said that he wanted to take a break and wouldn't explain why or for how long. Then, we were on a trip with a bunch of other people and the entire two weeks he constantly flirted with other girls right infront of me! He even tried to hook-up with some of my close friends behind my back! I tried to talk to him and sort it out. I tried everything I could think of to salvage our friendship, but he was so unreceptive. I feel like he just used me, and that our entire frienship was just a scheme to get me to sleep with him.

Anyway, my friendhsips with other guys have severely deteriorated because I keep thinking that they'll do that to me too. Any guy who asks me out, or admits to having a crush on me, I then do everything in my power to avoid him because I keep thinking that he'll just use me and then leave me. I just can't trust guys anymore. Every relationship I've ever had has ended horribly. Every guy I've dated has either lied to me, used me, intentionally hurt me, cheated on me, or all of the above. I just can't take another heartbrake. I'm done.

But I don't know what to do, because what if I meet a guy who is genuine and actually cares about me instead of just pretending to in order to get me to sleep with him? What if I for once find a guy who isn't a complete scumbag? What will I do? How will I know?

Has anyone else ever felt this way?

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"Only fear the things which have the power to harm" --Dante Aligheri, "Inferno" canto 2

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.

Posts: 136 | From: Roma, Italy | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
RandomGuy09
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(I read the FAQ, and think that anyone can post in this forum. If not, sorry about the mistake, please let me know...)

Do you have any guy friends who are STRICTLY friends that you can trust, for the reason that there is no question of sex at all? A brother, even? The reason I ask, is because as a guy, I definitely know far better than my female friends which guys will treat them genuinely well, and which guys won't. I think other decent guys have the ability to do so as well - it's almost like a sixth sense of smelling our own, which I think almost all girls lack (because many seem to fall for some of the biggest schmucks... but that's just my opinion). Therefore, my only suggestion really could be to have this potential guy meet someone whom you trust, and see what they have to say.

By the way, I'll add that I'm also not at all offended by your mistrust of guys... I tend to think that plenty of them out there are "complete scumbags." But, you're right, there are some good ones here and there. I *really* hope you're able to spot him when he comes along, because no one deserves to be treated like that.

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-Lauren-
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(You're absolutely allowed and encouraged to contribute in all areas except those expressly marked for staff and volunteer replies. [Smile] )

[ 10-13-2007, 02:40 AM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

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bellaitaliana69
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The thing is, I don't think I know a guy like that who I can trust. Perhaps I should befriend some gay guys.

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"Only fear the things which have the power to harm" --Dante Aligheri, "Inferno" canto 2

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.

Posts: 136 | From: Roma, Italy | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
RandomGuy09
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Do you have female friends who can look past things like physical attractiveness, etc. and see guys for what they really are? Maybe if they are not interested in these guys in particular then they can give you an objective perspective. Although, in all truth the subject of a guy's ethics, respect for women, etc. is inherently subjective, so you should definitely explain to them what it means to you.
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bellaitaliana69
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I don't think I expect anything unrealistic from guys. All I want them to do is call when they say they will, show up when they say they will, not put me or my friends down, respect me, and be honest with me. But for 100% of the guys I've dated, that's somehow too difficult.
I do have some female friends who can be objective about the guys I date. However, most of them lack the experience to know for sure if I'm making a bad choice or not.

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"Only fear the things which have the power to harm" --Dante Aligheri, "Inferno" canto 2

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.

Posts: 136 | From: Roma, Italy | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
RandomGuy09
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None of those things sound unrealistic at all - sorry if I said something that made you think I thought otherwise, it wasn't intended! You're DEFINITELY entitled to every last one of those.

And yeah, I think that having friends with some experience would be helpful. This wouldn't necessarily have to be dating experience or anything, however - I think any friend who'd had plenty of platonic relationships with males could be valuable in helping you out. I feel that the reason I can tell which guys are jerks and which aren't is because I've had friends in both categories, at completely opposite ends of the spectrum (unfortunately, in some regards), and I have observed how they've treated women. From those observations, I get a better sense for new guys that I meet, and whether they share the same characteristics as the good eggs or the bad ones. Maybe, to some extent, you could even look at these characteristics for yourself?

How forward are you? Are you comfortable asking a guy flat-out if he'll meet those expectations? Personally, I think if a girl I was interested in asked that of me, I'd probably be even more interested, because I'd figure that she would be more likely to show me the same courtesies. I'd also visibly show that excitement, and make point to tell her so. The guys who can't meet those expectations might show their colors by how put off they'd be. Maybe, maybe not.

(By the way, if I'm not being particularly helpful, I can hush up and make more room for somebody else to share their thoughts!)

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bellaitaliana69
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That is a good idea. I should just outright tell any potential boyfriends that I can't be with someone who can't do those things. The only problem is, I have a terrible fear of rejection so so I doubt I could find it in me to be forward enough.
You've given me some great advice, RandomGuy09, and I appreciate it.

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"Only fear the things which have the power to harm" --Dante Aligheri, "Inferno" canto 2

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.

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Heather
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I also have to say that RandomGuy asking about male friends was a pretty good question.

Given your history and the problems you've had, I think it might be a pretty good thing if you had some men in your life who were something OTHER than boyfriends, eh?

And if you can't assert yourself at all, really, it's better to not date until you can. Too, it might be worth realizing that if you're having to do things you wouldn't otherwise do or aren't comfortable with, it's not like you aren't being rejected: if you're not being able to be who you are with your own limits and boundaries, then you haven't been accepted, either, even on someone else's terms.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bellaitaliana69
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I have a hard time connecting on a plantonic level with men because I'm afraid that the only reason they're giving me the time of day is because they want ot sleep with me and that makes me distrust them.
Even if they happen to genuinly want to be friend, I can't seem to tell the difference between that and having an agenda. My best guy friend of three and a half years had no moral qualms about using me like a cheap sex toy. If that can happen, why should I have any reason to trust any guys to just be my friend and be there for me?

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"Only fear the things which have the power to harm" --Dante Aligheri, "Inferno" canto 2

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.

Posts: 136 | From: Roma, Italy | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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