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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » So tired.

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Author Topic: So tired.
Rayn
Neophyte
Member # 29306

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I have no one. No one I can talk to at least. I can't tell my teachers how I feel, then I'd just be the girl with issues. I need my mom, and shes kinda dead. I can't talk to my friends from my old school, they have their own issues and lives... and I can't talk to anyone from my new school, cause again, girl with issues. Not my aunts, they are both too judging... Obviously not daddy... he has his own issues and though I love him, I don't think he would understand. Not the people from church, because they would go the "god will let these issues be his" and all that bullshit. THERE IS NO GOD. And as much as I want to believe it... I don't think that there is a Goddess either. I sincerely hope that there is... but I don't think that there is. And this gaping hole in my chest... It hurts. My one pride and joy... gone. In the past few days, I have come to realise that my writing sucks. I knew that my art sucked... I've always known that. I really don't have much artistic talent, never have. I've always wished... hoped... that I did, but I really don't. All I'm really good at is being depressed and having all these wonderful masks so no one notices. Thats all I've ever been good at really... When Nicole was still my friend, when I had all that **** going on at school... Always. Now... forever maybe? I can't even tell anymore. And I so wish that my reality is truely just a dream... all this work, with no real paypoff, all this homework, all these things I "have": to do, just to fullfill someone elses expectations. And the things I do do for myself, always have negative connotations for other people. And I see a guy like today, a man who gave his sanity to help his country... and I realize that all I do is ****. I write meaningless papers for things that don't really matter, I go to school because I'm told too. I don't do ANYTHING for any real reason. So that begs the question of why am I even here? Oh, don't worry, I don't want to die. I still haven't completed my one goal, and the way things go for me and guys, I doubt I ever will. And I am so tired of getting up in the morning, going to school, and having to deal with the same assholes I thought I left at my old school. Well, obviously not the same same people, but sure as hell people who are like them. Self-mutilation is a no-no, obviously. Me the pain weenie, actually inflicting pain on myself? Like hell is that ever going to happen. On the other hand, anything to make this cycle of hell and pain and more hell stop is pretty much something I want to happen. So, back the the main theme. I have no one. No one at all. And tomorrow, when we go to see friends of the family will any of tonights pain show? I doubt it. Remember, I'm the best at masks.

I know its been awhile since I've been here... maybe almost a year, I can't remember. But I really need someone to talk to... so here I am.

[ 09-28-2007, 11:18 PM: Message edited by: Rayn ]

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"Im not the next of them, I am the first of me..."
-First of Me, Hoobastank

Posts: 24 | From: Seattle | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheMep
Neophyte
Member # 32142

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It is healthy to admit that there is no god, godess, or any other imaginary friend. Thats more progress than alot of people make. Keep up the good work. Have a beer, relax, enjoy life.

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-Mep

Posts: 1 | From: Denver, CO | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
Activist
Member # 29292

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Hey Rayn,

I'm sorry you are in such a rough spot right now. I get how much difficult this might all be for you. If you think talking about it here with us might help, then by all means do it.

May I ask how long this all been going on, those depressive feelings I mean ?

Also, have you thought about maybe seeking help ? There are people out there who can listen to you and help you, counselor are there especially for that and you can be sure they’ll understand what you are going through and you won’t be bothering them with your issues, far from that. Is that something you’d be interested in doing ? If so, and if you’d like us to help you find one in your area, just let us now and we’d be glad to do just so.

And, beside counseling, there is also some ressources/hotlines I could try to find and pass on to you for when you really need it and want to discuss your situation with other people you can be sure will care, understand and who would also be able to point you towards the proper ressources, if need be.

You also said you were a bit resilient to discuss your own issues with some people because you said they also had their own issues and live. We all got our own issues but has it ever occured to you that maybe they really don’t mind helping others even though, that having some issues themselves do not necessarily make them less incline to hear about someone else’s.

Hang in there !

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rayn
Neophyte
Member # 29306

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I'm hoping talking will help...

Probably for longer than I think? My mom died somewhat recently (Last November) after fighting brain tumors for 4 years and 9 months. I was 10 when we found out, so I grew up fast. I really don't know when the depressing feelings started, I have posts on my myspace from 2 years ago that are pretty emo-like, but they are mostly about the guy I liked not liking me back... I don't know if I was depressed or just a teenager.

I was in counseling, but I have become very good at hiding how I feel and wearing masks to disguise the "real" me, so I just lied my way out of it, mostly because I just didn't want to deal with it. The only counselor I've ever seen that I liked was my dad's, and he can't be my counselor because of the familial bond. The others were all women, and just too dang happy for me to be able to talk to them. I love happy people, but they were happy, preppy, bubbly... they mostly just bugged me.

I'd love to, but my dad monitors the calls, and he pays for my cell, so he'd know and I really don't want to have that conversation at this point in time. If you want to give me a list, I'd love it... just in case I need it.

And finally, yes I am... I have older sister syndrome, which means taking care of people, not being the one taken care of. The problem is that the people that I was friends with are all very preachy and don't really help when I try to explain. And the ones I know now are too new, plus the people from church tend to tell me that "God works in mysterious ways" and thats not helpful at all! Add to that that I am the one people run to to lay their heads on... and I just feel like there is no one.

And I swear I don't feel like this all the time... the way I describe it is like waves or a cycle... I'll be down for a few days, crying at the stupidest stuff, and then back up to ok or great for weeks, though the sad never really leaves, but I'll function normally and be happy for long stretches of time. I'll do stuff with the family, and with friends and then... And then something will happen and I'm back at the bottom, climbing back up the side of a deep dark hole.

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"Im not the next of them, I am the first of me..."
-First of Me, Hoobastank

Posts: 24 | From: Seattle | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hunnybunny888
Activist
Member # 29737

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Do you feel that because there is no god or omniscient supernatural being that there's really no point to anything?
Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rayn
Neophyte
Member # 29306

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Not in the least... its just that I was raised by a pastor, so the general idea of a god has always been there. And when I decided that I was more focused on Goddess-centric religions, I accepted that there was a Goddess. I've never truly felt that there was no one/thing ... THERE... somewhere.

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"Im not the next of them, I am the first of me..."
-First of Me, Hoobastank

Posts: 24 | From: Seattle | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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