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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » i feel...used, dirty and ashamed

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Author Topic: i feel...used, dirty and ashamed
Stacii-Jayd
Neophyte
Member # 31433

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hey guyz.
i wasn't really sure where to put this, so i thought i'd put it here, sorry if it's the wrong place.
kinda long sorry

i feel ashamed and dirty because of my past, and i'm scared to tell my boyfriend because of what he might think of me.
me and me my boyfriend are getting more and more sexual, i have no problem with that, but im starting to feel used by him, when ever he comes round on the week all he reallys wants to do is do sexual things, and when we talk on the phone now we normally end up talking about sex nad messing around. i now think i've made a stupid mistake last night when i explain to him what cybersex was and then we started that. i feel used because when he doesn't want sexual things he kind of pushes me away.

i hate the way he makes me feel sometimes, like i told him the other day im not ready to have sex yet, and he keeps asking why and i told him because im just not ready to and it doesn't feel right, and he said that was ok..but then the next day he'll ask if we can have sex yet...i cna't just be ready like that over night!

also, im only 14(15 in sept) and a few years ago i made a friend on the internet, his older than me, his 23 years old but we began speaking when he was 19. we got on brillent and his my bestfriend, i tell him everything and his always there for me but the thing is, we dated, i know it's stupid because we've never actually met and his older than me, but we just had these feelings for each other and both understood how each other felt. well while we was going on (he was about 21/22 at this point) he started asking me to do things on cam, like show myself, and because i like actually loved him i did because he often used "if you love me..." and "come on it's only me and you.." and "only do it quick.." so i felt rather blackmailed into it but i did it anyway. we broke up but stayed really really good friends and i know it's most likely wrong that im still friends but his there for me.

around the age of 12/13 i never had any guys intrested in me because i was basically always the 'freak' but the guys on the internet gave me so much attention and made me think better of myself and i liked it..and in return guys wanted me to do things on cam. and i will

now i know all that was so wrong and i feel dirty and ashamed of it all. i thought it'll be ok, ill just keep what happen to myself, and get on with life, im still friends with some of these guys, but just avoid the subject of sexualness and cam. but not it all seems like it's happening again and i want to tell my boyfriend why i push hiom away and get annoy at him when he wants sex and mess about. but i don't want to because i love him and scared of what he thinks.

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''i'm not a slave to a god that doesn't exsits. i'm not a slave to the world that doesn't give a s****''-Marilyn Manson

Posts: 35 | From: UK, Lincolnshire | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Oh girl. First of all, you have no reason to feel ashamed or dirty. You were vulnerable to these guys and they exploited you. At the most, you might have been a bit naive for thinking that you can 'buy' affection by trying to do what these guys wanted. But they are the ones to blame here - they are old enough to know better.

Second, I think it would be best if you cut off contact with your 'net friend. The age difference with you is incredibly big, especially given that you two are in completely different places in life. If you feel like you need him as a friend and confidante, I suggest you try to make some 'real-life' friends instead. If you're having trouble making friends at school, why not join a club or volunteer? You're bound to meet new people that way.

As for your relationship with your boyfriend, that's also raising some big red flags for me. It seems like you're continuing your pattern of engaging in sexual activities you're not ready for in effort to secure someone's affection. That's not okay. In a healthy relationship, all sexual activities should be mutually wanted. A caring, mature partner would not even want to be sexual with you if you're not 100% into it. (Keep in mind, also, that the Age of Consent in the UK is 16, so engaging in sexual activity is illegal for you, anyway.)

Overall, it sounds to me like you might benefit from some counseling. The fact that you felt you had to resort to performing on webcam for much older guys online to boost your self-esteem signals to me that you might have some problems with you self-esteem. A counselor could help you sort that out and learn to feel better about yourself and more confident.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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