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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » not enough friends

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Author Topic: not enough friends
Member # 32076

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I've been hesitant to post this for a while because it's just sort of weird, but I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

Lately I've been feeling very lonely and now I'm also very bored because it's summer break. I'm 20 years old and I still have not met *anyone* at my college. The only friends I have live far away and I only talk to them online. I don't know what to do...I just feel like I'm too old to not even have anyone to hang out with.

When I go to class it seems like everyone just sits, does their work etc. and then leaves. I also find it very difficult (as has been the case for years with me) to find common ground with other people my age. Usually I just run into small talk and that's it.

I'd like to have relationships that are NOT the boyfriend/girlfriend/romantic kind, because those will only last for so long and come with lots of drama and heartbreak. I really feel like I'm starting to go insane and a lot of times my self-esteem is very low because I don't understand why I have such a hard time meeting people.

Posts: 107 | From: New England | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 24638

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College Classes are never a good area to make friends so don't feel bad there. I too found that out when i started attending. The best way to make friends is, like you mentioned, finding a common ground. what you must do is find something you like
(football, video games, swimming, chess, algebra... [Big Grin] ) and find others who like the same. This usually involves joining some type of club or organization. Don't worry the more you get out the more likely you are to meet people. i find that it's almost human nature to for alliances and enemies so your gauranteed both at some point (not to worry you [Eek!] )

As The Shadow Follows The Body, As We Think, So We Become.

Posts: 157 | From: Athens, Texas, USA | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 25425

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Actually, I've always found classes a great way to meet new people. Just chat up the person next to you while you're waiting for the prof. Or ask some people to get together for a study session next time you've got a test coming up. Or ask someone if they want to trade papers to proof-read.

Joining a club, as Airem suggested, is also a great idea.

And finally, in my experience, it takes people a while to find 'that group' in college. The people you run into on the first day and team up with to scout out where everything is are rarely the people you'll remain best friends with for the rest of your college experience. I switched schools nearly two years ago, and it took me until well into the second semester to start making real friends. So ... patience, mhm? You'll meet people.

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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29206

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I have always been a very shy and introverted person, so entering high school gave me much teh sam eproblems as you did. I tool up the general advice and joined a club (Teen Court- very cool place), but even at teh first session, I felt lost, alone, and frustrated. Finally, when we got to the pizza-and-bowling party to celebrate our newly trained juror skills, I looked at myself standing there talking to no one and said, "Okay. Enough with this."

I looked around, found one kid sitting at a table by himself, sat down across from him, and told him that I was tired of being shy, hi, my name is Caitlin, do you mind if I sit here?

We didn't become best friends, but we did wave at each other in the halls after that, and it gave me just a bit more confidence in myself when talking to strangers.

"Cut her down."
"She is a witch!"
"But she's our witch. Cut her down."

Posts: 174 | From: Indiana, USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 32076

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Yeah...I don't know. I've never had much confidence with approaching random strangers. Mostly because I have this attitude like 'hey, why aren't they approaching ME? Why do I have to do it?'. Not a very good mindset, I guess you could say.

The people I *have* met that are interesting/close/very cool are either a couple of years older than me, live too far away, are "distant", or are ex-boyfriends...which, as I mentioned before, is not what I want.

I've never tried joining a club, so before I say that it's hopeless maybe I should try next semester. I also know that getting a part time job is another good way to meet people. The trick is actually getting one, and getting one that's around people my age range.

My problem is coming up with the energy to actually "get out" and try to be more involved with people. But I'm also an introvert that's content with just being alone doing my own thing. Sometimes I could care less about a social life and would rather focus on my own personal goals.

I've also discovered that people in their teen's-20's have a really bizarre philosophy that they seem to follow nowadays. I have no idea if it's just a New England thing, but it seems like people constantly have their guard up and are always trying to "keep their cool" i.e. maintain a certain degree of aloofness or distance. You could also call it arrogance. So it's almost like being too warm or friendly is considered lowly and unattractive. That's why I'm usually very hesitant about being too forward with people. But I seem to be doing something wrong because whenever I try to stay "cool" and talk to whatever potential friend it may be, it just dies out and I wind up feeling like they're cold and unresponsive.

It seems to be a vicious cycle and I hope that one day it breaks. Even if it DID turn out to be a boyfriend, I guess I would be okay with that. As long as he is loyal and respectful and...normal, haha. I really would like just ONE person that I can truly connect with and not worry about all kinds of things going wrong.

Posts: 107 | From: New England | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 13388

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If approaching random strangers isn't your thing, that's fine; maybe it'd be easier if you tried out new things with a current friend, although that can have its ups and downs. I think it's good that you recognize what you're wanting versus not wanting in friends (like exes when things are still shaky), although there's nothing wrong with older friends. Volunteering or getting a job at a home for seniors might turn up some unexpected and positive friendships (be it they seem a bit different than with 20-somethings.) What about an on-campus job?

I think clubs are going to be the way to go for you; it might take trying out a few (some groups are just more friendly or outgoing than others) but you'll probably find them wanting YOU to join/be involved, which would help with your introvertedness.

As for regional differences, I think that certain can play a difference, at least if you're not used to how things are; however, a college is generally a more open environment. Is there anyone you could talk about these perceptions/differences with? I totally hear you though, because I've been in the same type of situation where it really was "them, not me" (in the sense of being more distant, etc.) However, there are nice and friendly people all over... it's just figuring out the right places to look! [Smile]

[ 06-10-2007, 06:23 AM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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