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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » past abuse

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Author Topic: past abuse
Member # 30003

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When I was a junior in high school I became involved in an abusive relationship. He hit me multiple times and tried to rape me once, but thankfully I was able to get out before anything worse could happen. I was a virgin and as a result of the attempted rape, I've had trouble being intimate with anyone else.
That was two years ago, and I am now in a relationship with an amazing man that I'm beginning to fall in love with. However, I haven't been able to tell him about my past. I want to have sex with him, but everytime we've been close I feel like I'm having a panic attack and all I can think of is the attempted rape.
I want to tell him, mostly so that he can understand why I'm so hesitant about sex, but I just don't know how. I'm afraid that he'll be disappointed in me and it'll change how he feels about me. So I was just wondering if you could give me any advice on how to bring it up or words of wisdom?

Posts: 5 | From: Connecticut | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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First of all, good on your for having gotten out of that abusive relationship. That's such a hard thing to do, and it sounds like you've done a really good job of getting out and moving on.

Unfortunately, those things stay with us and affect out relationships. It's a really difficult conversation to have, but if this is someone you want to be with, then you'll have to be honest with him.

You don't need to tell him the whole story right away. You can start with something like "I'm sure you've noticed that I'm really hesitant about having sex. There is something that's holding me back and that we should talk about, but I'm not ready to do that yet." And then, over time, as you two grow to trust each other more and be more comfortable with each other, you can start to tell him what happened.

If he's a guy worth being with, he'll try his best to be understanding and patient. Obviously, once he knows the full story, he'll have to come to terms with that, as well. But, again, if he's worth it, he'll know better than to let this change his opinion of you.

Good luck!

Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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