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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Assertiveness Buddy Match

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Author Topic: Assertiveness Buddy Match
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hey all, I have a notion.

We have a good deal of users who often can use some cheerleading and support in terms of learning to be assertive.

We also have a good deal of users who are awesome at BEING assertive.

So, howsabout we make a buddy system?

In other words, if you're either in need of a buddy to help you be and stay assertive and stand up for yourself, leave a post that that's what you need. If you're someone good at it, who is willing to support someone in need of your coaching and support, leave a post here that you're willing to buddy up with a given person in need.

THEN...

Pairs can gab right here as they like, and assertiveness-coaches can also keep an eye on their buddies' other posts at the boards and pop in with support when it seems appropriate.

So, who's in?

(And NO shame here if you need help or support. NONE! I insist! Not a one of us will go through life not needing help with something, and very few of us just came to standing up for ourselves without it.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cool87
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I'm definatly in, not as a coach but as someone in need of a coach.

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SocialReject
Neophyte
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I too need a coach. I kinda bite at everything and that is one of them.

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Are there really people that care, or is it just a game to them?

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-Lauren-
Activist
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I volunteer to coach! [Smile]
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-Firefly-
Scarleteen Volunteer
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This is a really good idea and I could for sure use a coach...

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Vero
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Just so it's clearer, the easiest way to assign coaches to buddies is probably for volunteering coaches to just step up and say "So-and-so," I'll be your coach!

(Or, in the spirit of assertiveness, those needing coaches could pipe up when someone volunteers TO coach, and say "Hey, would you be mine?")

In determining who might be best for you, you might just look at post history and such and look for commomn ground.

For instance, SocialRejcect, I'm a survivior, too, so I intrinsicaly get some of the challenges that presents per assertiveness: I'll step up and volunteer to be your coach.

And what that means, again, is that we can both talk here about assertiveness AND that I'll pay special attention to your other posts on the board with an eye out for opportunities to work on being assertive. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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-Firefly-
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Lauren, if you don't mind, could you be my coach? You've answered a lot of my posts and have always given me helpful advice... [Smile]

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Vero
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cool87
Activist
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(And what if no one has been in a situations similar to mine and so I don't think I have common ground with anyone here? I just ask whoever I want ?)

[ 04-26-2007, 01:46 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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-Lauren-
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You got it, blysse! [Smile]
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-Firefly-
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Yay! Thank you [Smile]

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Vero
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cool87
Activist
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Well Miss Lauren, I'd be glad too if you were my assertiveness buddy. I don't know if you mind though because you already got a buddy.

(Edit: Thanks Lauren ! [Smile] )

[ 04-26-2007, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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-Lauren-
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I'll be happy to butt in where I can and give you a nudge, too, cool. [Smile]

(Edit: I think we read each others' mind!)

But to start with, blysse; how are things going with your relationship? Have you stood up for yourself, and went through on your pledge for the relationship to not be secret anymore? Anything else you wanna talk about?

[ 04-26-2007, 03:22 PM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]

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-Firefly-
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Not yet. I decided to give him some time to get over other things, and then wanted to wait til my exams are done. Didn't want to risk it going badly, and then my grades suffering. So, my last exam is Sunday, and then the first chance I get, I'm gonna have a talk with him.

I've decided that if he's not willing to come out in the open within the next few months, I'm gonna end things completely.

If things don't go well, I'm probably going to need help with the clean break thing.

As it is, I'm just trying to get myself ready for the worst case scenario. And I have to make sure I don't chicken out and up having this conversation with him over MSN or something. This is something that needs to be done face to face.

There has been some progress though. He's finally acknowledged that we're in a relationship, and he considers me his girlfriend. And we've talked about me going with him to visit his family over the summer.

Anyways... thoughts or tips?

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Vero
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-Lauren-
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Have you been proactive about bringing things out? Told any of your family and friends? If he's agreed to be in a relationship with you, I have no idea why he'd want you to keep it from anyone.. unless he wants to be a crapmeister and mess around with girls you know again.

Telling people close to you about a relationship that's important to you shouldn't be something you need his permission to do, and if he's in a space where he's okay with being your boyfriend, I'd find it strange that he'd impose that limit, anyway.

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Miss_Mary-Ann
Activist
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I'll help out someone in need [Smile]

Any takers?

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~Mary-Ann~

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-Firefly-
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Well, since he's told me he considers me his girlfriend we haven't actually talked about the out in the open thing. But I have told several friends about my relationship with him. I didn't bother asking him permission, or letting him know I had told them. He doesn't know them anyway.

So, for me the next step is telling my parents. For that, I'm going to wait til I talk to him about being out in the open though. I think that would be the courteous thing to do, right?

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Vero
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-Lauren-
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'kay, that needs to come next. I don't think it would be discourteous to tell your family without his permission.. I can't think of any situation in which a person who didn't have major issues or something to hide who wouldn't be THRILLED that their partner thinks so highly of them as to tell everyone they know. It's gonna happen eventually if this thing takes off, you know?

I think it would be good for you, too, if you generally have an OK relationship with your family. I can't imagine how isolating it must feel to have to have dealt with so much of this with no one aware of the situation to talk to. Who knows? Maybe your mom or dad could make you think a lot differently about the situation than you did before, and I'm sure it'd be better for both parties if they're aware of this BEFORE any worst-case scenario occurs.

To be honest, hun? How much courtesy did he show YOU by leading you to believe he wanted a bf/gf relationship all that time, then mackin' up your girlfriend by taking advantage of you agreeing to secrecy? After all of that, I'd be really unsettled if he wouldn't be okay with you talking to people who care about you about this.

I know it's tough. I know you don't want to upset what you have going on. But this just isn't the way healthy setups work.. you're an amazingly smart young woman, you know all of this. [Smile]

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-Firefly-
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Aww, thank you for the compliment [Smile]

For the courteous thing... I'm just thinking that if my parents fly off the handle on this thing, it would suck if he found out I'd told them from my dad trying to hunt him down, lol.

I have no idea how my parents might react. And I have no idea if I should tell them I was 17 when I first started being with him, or tell them it's a recent thing. I hate lying to them, but at the same time I'm afraid they'd think he was taking advantage of me and abusing his power. We waited until I was nearly 19 before we started having sex, and there was no pressure or anything of the sort, but my parents might overreact. I'm just worried about that, and it's really making me hesitate about telling them.

Ugh, relationships shouldn't be this complicated, lol.

EDIT: I just thought I'd add that although my dad has gotten waaay better in the past few years (therapy has helped), he's still been known to go into some scary rages, and I wouldn't want this to be one of those times. He's never gotten physically abusive, but it's been really scary for my mom and I at times.

[ 04-26-2007, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: blysse_norwood ]

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Vero
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-Lauren-
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I can definitely see how that would make you uncomfortable.. I have the same deal with my dad, too. Would you feel better about talking only to your mom, if possible? What have you friends had to say about it? Could you see one of them talking to them with you?

Tricky situation. It might be worth having a chat with him about this, first. Ideally, he'd be willing to talk to them WITH you, but I can see how that'd be impractical ("Hey mom, hey dad! This is Blank, my much older boyfriend you haven't known about for years! We'd like to reason with you!" [Big Grin] ).

You know what's best for you in this situation, it'll just take some thinking out.

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JamsessionVT
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I'd be happy to pop in, too, if someone needs the support.

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Abbie
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-Firefly-
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Thanks for the help Lauren. I'll keep you updated on what happens. [Smile]

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Vero
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-Firefly-
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Just a little update... I'm talking to him on Saturday about being out in the open about our relationship. I'm so nervous, and trying to prepare myself for the worse. I'm kinda worried I'll chicken out, or back down. Can anyone send encouragement and good vibes my way please? [Smile] Thanks in advance

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Vero
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-Lauren-
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Well, that's sorta my call of duty, ain't it? [Big Grin]

I'm glad that you've resolved to talk it over with him. You need to go in with a take-no-crap attitude, as hard as that may be. You've already been told throughout your relationship with this guy that age-disparate setups really only work when stuff is honest, forthright, and in the open. He's violated all three of those thus far (friend, leading on, and secrecy, in due order), so if he really wants to make this work, he'll be receptive to making good on this.

It's normal to be a little nervous if there's a serious issue in a relationship to be brought up, but if you're shaking in your boots or thinking about putting it off, I'd question if you should just abandon ship altogether.

*hug* Good luck, and keep posting if you need another nudge!

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-Firefly-
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Thanks so much Lauren.

I think one of the big reasons I'm so nervous is that we've rarely had these kinds of conversations in person. I think all but one of the serious issues we've had were discussed over MSN. I wanted this conversation to be in person because it's going to make or break our relationship, but it's made me extra nervous.

I keep wanting to put the conversation off because I've decided that if being out in the open is not something he's willing to do, I'm ending our relationship, and I don't want to have to do that.

Thank you for the hug. -hugs back-. It's great to know that no matter what, I've got you (and the whole of Scarleteen) to come back to if things go badly, even if it is just over a computer. [Smile]

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Vero
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