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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Regret? or Relief?

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Author Topic: Regret? or Relief?
foxfire
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Long time, no post! In December I became pregnant and despretley wanted the baby. Even more than I wanted the baby, I wanted my fiancee to want the baby. After long debates like, were to young being only 21, babies cost alot of money, (even though at that time I was covered under my father since I'm a college student and we both had great jobs) and simply the fact that both of us are the youngest children in our families and are not used to kids since we have never been around them,he said he wanted me to get an abortion. (I apologize, i'm already rambling. Prepare yourself it is going to get worse)

I agreed to the abortion because at the time i really did think it was the best decsion for us. He had been really tense with me before I agreed but afterword he was incredibly loving. One night when we were lying in bed he started to rub my stomach and said what a great mom i would make someday and it all went downhill from there.

My abortion appointment was coming up and decided to see if my insurance would cover it. Since we both made so much the planned parenthood fee was $1200, alot of money to produce quickly. After going to my doctor and them confirming my pregnancy ( 1 and a 1/2 months along) I told them i was considering abortion. When I left and they handed me my paperwork on it was a hand written note that said I was already a whore and didn't need to become a murderer.

It broke my heart, I mean really devastated me. When I told Shon he was unfazed and said that i shouldn't be surprised. I'm really young looking and am often confused for a 12 year old. Back to the point i kept my planned parent hood appointment even though my insurance would not cover any of it and went through with the abortion. I think that i caved in to my fears that i would be looked down on in society if i went through with the pregnancy. I;m afraid that i let myself down as well as the baby that i would rather take the easy way out instead of bucking up and having the baby.

I feel so much guilt about having a baby in the future. Will i be better off to have a kid in 2 years? 5 years? I feel so angry and my fiancee that we made this descion, that he didn't love my baby lke i did even though i realize that he was scared and open about not wanting a kid so soon. I ended up quitting my job.

One of my coworkers has a baby and i couldn't take hearing her stories and seeing her pictures. That caused a ton on conflict for me since Shon and i work for the same company and the lack of income was hard. I feel like i'm going insane thinking about the what if and should haves. I buy baby clothes and dream of dressing up my baby. But other days i'm glad that i'm not tied down with a kid and that for my wedding i will be slender, then i feel like **** again for being conceited. I guess i want to know if anyone else felt like this. thanks for letting me vent.

[Foxfire, your post was totally fine as is, I just added paragraph breaks to make your post easier for others to read and comment on.]

[ 03-09-2007, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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-Lauren-
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"When I left and they handed me my paperwork on it was a hand written note that said I was already a whore and didn't need to become a murderer. It broke my heart, I mean really devastated me."

Who on God's green earth attached that? Please do not tell me that was a PP staff member; if so, get their name and call the regional center. Better yet, post it here. That is dreadful; shame on them.

You are not a murderer, nor a bad person for deciding to do what is right for you.

I feel so angry and my fiancee that we made this descion, that he didn't love my baby lke i did even though i realize that he was scared and open about not wanting a kid so soon.

Loving the baby has little to do with this; after all, at 1 1/2 months gestation there is technically no baby to speak of. That is not to minimalize your feelings; I imagine it's a very difficult thing to have had to go through. But try thinking of it this way; does it show more love and care towards a prospective child by wishing the best life possible for him/her, thus postponing parenting until BOTH people fully ready and accepting?

It's easy to get caught up the good stuff like looking at other people's photos and buying cute clothes and toys, and I totally get that. But that bit of fun is in a plutora of not-so-fun stuff including 100% liability for another person's life. The baby's gonna cry, crap, puke, and scream a whole lot more than it's going to be loving and cute.

For a good reality check in this area, if you haven't checked it out already, this is the place to go.

It might be helpful for you to remember that this wasn't a one-shot deal, and that if you find you truly desire a child, you'll be better prepared and you'll have a chance to discuss it with your partner, versus it being a crisis that springs out of nowhere with high pressure to decide what to do, and quickly.

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foxfire
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It was not planned parenthood, it was Group Health Cooperative. I'm not sure of her name but it was a lab tech. I did read the I want it now baby article, I had actually read it way way back in the day before this ever happend and i always thought myself a practical person. Thank you for your response, i really do appreciate it.
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Beppie
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The person who wrote that note is guilty of harrassment. I'd consider writing a letter of complaint to the health co-operative. You consented to sex, which you have the legal right to do, and you wanted to obtain a legal procedure to get rid of an unwanted pregnancy. A medical professional who is supposed to take CARE of you has no call to insult you like that.

Having said that, I think you really need to clarify more with your partner about what should happen if you find yourself with an unwanted pregnancy in the future. While it sounds like your partner has made some effort to be supportive, a lot of that hasn't necessarily translated into the actual support that you need-- for instance, the way he blew off your concerns about the note you received-- no one should "expect" to be treated like that. (And how young you look is irrlevant-- would it have been okay for the doctor to call a pregnant 12 year old a whore? Of course not). While you do seem to feel like you've made the right choice for you (based on what you've said), I also have the feeling here that your decision-making process was made more difficult for you by the fact that your partner seemed less willing to accept one potential choice you could have made. I think you need to make it clear to your partner that if it happens again, you need to have support regardless of which decision you make.

Lastly, have you looked into counselling at all? Speaking to a professional could help you work on all your different feelings, looking at different stratagies for dealing with them.

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Surferchk07
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quote:
Originally posted by foxfire:
It was not planned parenthood, it was Group Health Cooperative. I'm not sure of her name but it was a lab tech. I did read the I want it now baby article, I had actually read it way way back in the day before this ever happend and i always thought myself a practical person. Thank you for your response, i really do appreciate it.

Could you report Group Health to something kinda like the better buisness beurau but not. Theres got to be something that all this could be reported to even without giving your name, Like a medical community that handles this type of issues.

I cant believe someone at group health would do that now I feel disgusted to have to go to them.


EDIT: Beppie phrased it all better than me about reporting it. So ignore my whole not making sense way of telling you to report it.

[ 03-09-2007, 09:25 PM: Message edited by: Surferchk07 ]

--------------------
Elizabeth

"Peace is not the absence of war; it is a virtue; a state of mind; a disposition for benevolence; confidence; and justice." -Spinoza

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Ecofem
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I'm so sorry you had people (completely wrongly) make you feel guilty for doing something that seems absolutely the right choice for you when you made it. While a feeling of pain may be "natural", please don't feel guilty for your decision, you don't owe anyone anything here. It's your body, your life, and your decision.

You two weren't feeling ready for a raising a child at this time. That's a very honest and important thing to do: (I'm trying to think how to phrase this neutrally as it's a bit difficult...) While unplanned children can certainly be great, there are unfortunately way too many children being neglected and mistreated out there. Realizing you wouldn't be able to give a child the life you'd want to provide right now, you made a very pragmatic decision. Per your statements, **** what society thinks; granted, being a young parent often means society giving you more grief, but their reactions are just as much bs as what that doctor told you. Likewise, having an abortion is not "taking the easy way out." As you see, it's not easy at all, and anyone making you feel that way is also a ****.

The "not surprised" comment from your boyfriend seems unintentionally not-so-supportive, but he sounds like he wants to be there for you. His comment of "making a good mother one day" wasn't meant to be an emotional jab but probably to show you that, when the time's right, things will work out. You absolutely can have children later on and shouldn't feel guilty for this. As for your coworker, the next time it seems especially hard, you could take her aside and quietly tell her: "I'm really happy for you and your baby, but I've been going through a difficult time and would appreciate some space." Might you be able to say something along those lines? You don't have to go into details, but surely she'd try to be more sensitive if you gave her a hint.

I would really recommend getting in touch with an in-person support group for women who've had abortions. You aren't alone in this situation and I don't want you to feel that way. You could contact Planned Parenthood about local groups. Additionally, I don't know if you've seen this article before, but here it is. We're here for you, foxfire.

[ 03-09-2007, 10:58 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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Heather
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Foxfire: this is the Group Health Cooperative based in Seattle?

If so, would you be comfortable with me sending them a very frim complaint on your behalf?

Sometimes, a complaint can carry more weight when it comes from the (very vocal) head of a credible organization, and if you're good with that -- or would even like me to do so -- I'd like to be of help.

That is simply beyond appalling.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foxfire
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Yes it is based out of Seattle, the branch I went to is in Port Orchard. I would VERY much appreciate it if a letter was sent, I just don't know how to properly word it so my point gets accross with out getting way off topic. I don't know if I would do well at counseling. I don't express myself well and I guess I'm embarrased that I feel this way. What if my counseler is pro-life? Also since I quit my job I can't afford to go anywhere.
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Heather
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Foxfire, why don't you go ahead and email me so I can get the particulars (it'll be a bit more powerful if you're up to me using your name, date of your app't, etc.). I'm at heather @ heathercorinna . com

Per counseling, what I'd suggest is calling into the Cedar River Clinic system here in Washington. They're one of the last remaining feminist health clinic systems in the US, and fantastic people. They could connect you with counseling resources closest to you and I assure you, would be very sure not to set you up with someone/some group which was anti-choice (they are also abortion providers). You can call them toll-free at 1-800-572-4223.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Foxfire, I got backed up today with things on my plate, but I'll do my level best to prepare that letter for you by tomorrow evening, so expect an email from me then. Not a big, since their offices wouldn't likely get it until Monday morning anyhow, but just wanted to give you the 411.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Surferchk07
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Hey foxfire do you still have the copy of what they wrote you?

I'd love to see some stuff stirred up about this and the copy of the note they wrote could really get the papers/news going and you could still be anounymous. I'd love to even write something up about this or even show up at that clinic since its really close to where I am (On Bainbridge) and talk with the head of the clinic there. This is just seriously such BS that this happened and they need to get some serious crap for it.

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Elizabeth

"Peace is not the absence of war; it is a virtue; a state of mind; a disposition for benevolence; confidence; and justice." -Spinoza

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foxfire
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I tossed that right after I showed my fiancee, I never thought I would have a reason to keep it. I wish now that I did but at the time I just wanted it gone.
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foxfire
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So here it goes again, I'm pregnant, alone, and terrified. I recently got married to a wonderful man who is open and honest with me about his desire to NOT have kids anytime soon. He has no idea that i'm pregnant since he leaves for work and is out of contact for weeks at a time. I was on the pill Aleese and was faithfull taking them after my abortion so that this situation wouldn't happen again. I'm terrified that my husband will ask me to abort. I can't do it again. We are in a way better place and I feel as hard as it would be, a baby could fit into our lives. I'm going to planned parenthood, (since of my probs with GHC)tomorrow. I don't know what I'm asking for here but was curious if anyone else had a similar experience with becoming pregnant after an abortion?
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acs79
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Oh no. What a difficult situation for you to be in. It seems to me that, even though your husband is very open about not wanting a child, you do. And this decision isn't all about what he wants: it's about the two of you coming to a decision together. And while the two of you need to be absolutely open with each other--and you need to be honest about the fact that you don't want another abortion and how difficult the previous one for you--it's also your body, in the end.

From my own experience, my father didn't want any children. However, my parents' form of birth control was "being careful"--whatever the hell that means, which ended up in 4 kids while he was still in grad school. He was pretty angry each time my mom got pregnant, but by the time each of us came around, he was overjoyed. In the end, everything was okay. But I think that it's time for you and your husband to really talk, and for YOU to be open about what YOU want, because ultimately, the decision, whether it is abortion or birth, involves you more than it involves him.

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rosemat
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hello acs79. hi. You mentioned your dad said that his form of birth control was " being careful" what did he mean ? did he mention condoms, pills, pull out method, having unprotected sex during non fertile times of the month? Did he mention anything?
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acs79
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I have no idea what he meant. Definitely not condoms, definitely not the pill, so probably the pull out method, if anything. I don't think that my parents had any idea what they were doing, really.
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rosemat
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thank you acs79. Yes I guess maybe thats what he meant... usually people try either the pull out method, or somehow try to have sex during the non fertile cycle of the woman. He never really explained to you what he did? Like what to him was birth control? Maybe the knowledge of that would help you... I understand though.. my parents also.. don't know much about all this. thank you.
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