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Author Topic: so horrible.
Brianna
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I feel so empty inside. There's no way out of this emptiness.

Anything I do to attempt happiness fails miserably. The only thing that makes me somewhat happy is being with my boyfriend, but all he wants to do is play video games and ignore the facts.

I feel suicidal everyday. I'm so insecure about everything that I just want to scream.

It feels like I have two different brains. One is the reasonable one, and one is the horribly negative, depressed, ashamed, insecure one. Guess which one I live with almost everyday.

I try to go to therapists, but I'll see one, and they won't have another opening for two months. They tell me they'll call a psychiatrist to get me medication, but of course they don't.

Nobody gives a **** about me. Any time I open my mouth to say something, everybody tells me I complain too much. They tell me all I do is complain about how horrible my life is. I just feel that my life is horrible. When I keep it inside, the suicidal thoughts become more evident.

In my brain, I create horrible scenarios, and after I think of them, I feel they've already happened. I cry myself to sleep every night unless my boyfriend is here. I feel so clingy and dependent on him, but I really don't want to be.

It's not that I don't trust him, I just feel he deserves so much more. He deserves someone healthy. I think about the future. I know he wants to marry me, I just feel so horrible about it.

Not the marriage in itself, but what that means. When we have children, there's a 50% chance that they'll get my disease. In that, there's an almost 17 percent chance that the child won't live to see it's second birthday. When I'm older, I won't be able to participate in sexual activities at all. I mean, I'll be able to have sex, but I can't help during sex. I'll just be able to lie there.

I just don't think that's fair to anyone. He tells me he loves me more than anything, and that it doesn't matter. He tells me he won't hate me if our child gets my disease.

I feel so lost in my own world of chaos. It hurts so badly to go day after day feeling like the world's ugliest person. I know I'm not; there are days that I know I'm quite attractive. Girls envy the fact that I can eat whatever I want and not gain weight; but they stare at me because I walk funny.

I just don't know why I stay alive. I'm going to ruin the only person I've truly love's life. My disability is just going to get worse and worse.

I try not to look too far into the future, but I'm a huge worry wart, and a pessimistic.

I just need help while my therapist is a lazy *** and doesn't get me the help I need (medication).

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Heather
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(Brianna, I forget what your degrenerative disease/disability is. Could you remind me? Knowing might make it a bit easier to help.)

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cool87
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She has a spinal muscular atrophy.(SMA)

Here's the link to one of her posts.

Hope that ease things a little bit. [Smile]

[ 10-11-2006, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Juniata
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Hi Brianna,
You mentioned that you have a 50% chance of passing on SMA to your kids, but I was looking online and perhaps its not that high? (I may be completely wrong)
On http://www.fsma.org/, it said

quote:

SMA is an autosomal recessive genetic disease. In order for a child to be affected by SMA, both parents must be carriers of the abnormal gene and both must pass this gene on to their child. Although both parents are carriers the likelihood of a child inheriting the disorder is 25%, or 1 in 4.

As for counseling, is there another place you could go instead, one that has more available appointments? Two months is a very long time. If possible, I would suggest looking online or in the phone book, and finding someone you could meet with regularly.

Best of luck,
Juniata

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Brianna
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I have a very rare form of SMA; instead of being recessive, it's dominant. In the recessive form, both parents have to have the abnormal gene, but with the dominant form, only one parent has to have the abnormal gene.

I don't have enough money to go to a regular therapist; I get therapy, psychiatry, and medication for free through kaiser.

[ 10-11-2006, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: Brianna ]

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Juniata
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Brianna,
I'm sorry for being dense. Of course you would know your own medical condition.

About therapists, what would happen if you called Kaiser daily asking for medicines? (Personal experience tells me that annoying persistence can get a lot done).

Hang in there!
Juniata

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Brianna
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Lol, if it were any other situation I would definitely go to annoying measures to receive what I want (it's who I am), but the psychiatrist is in children's psychiatry. In order to still use her as my psychiatrist (I'd feel much more comfortable that way), my therapist has to contact her. Contacting my therapist is like trying to contact the president. The only way I get medication is if my psychiatrist analyzes me and figures out what medications to give me (obviously).

I don't expect you guys to be able to help me with my delusions and hallucinations (I didn't go into much detail about them, but I'll black out and during my blackout, my brain will register that something happened. When I come out of my blackout stage, I honestly think that "something" happened. Once it happened, my brain registered that my boyfriend hit me. When I woke up, I freaked out and told my boyfriend not to touch me and whatnot).

I just need some help with being insecure about my disability. Any advice on how to be not so insecure about it? Or how to not worry about the future with my disability? My boyfriend is the best person I've ever met in my life, but he finds it straining to have the person he loves upset everyday about something he can't help me with. My insecurities with my disability lead to other insecurities (in my relationship, for starters), and it damages most of my relationships (whether they be platonic or romantic). I know my boyfriend would never leave me, but I do feel it's not fair to put my world of chaos and dispair on his shoulders.

[ 10-11-2006, 10:46 PM: Message edited by: Brianna ]

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logic_grrl
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Blackouts, delusions and hallucinations are pretty serious stuff, as are some of the symptoms you've mentioned before. Have you told your therapist about them?

It actually sounds like a neurological check-up may be warranted, to see if there's anything else going on, or whether this is some sort of rare effect of the SMA. It sounds like your therapist is not being a lot of use, but nagging for a referral to a neurologist and/or psychiatrist and making it clear how very serious your symptoms are may be your best strategy.

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"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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Brianna
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I told my therapist all about the symptoms I've been having, but all she said was, "OH THAT'S HORRIBLE". She wasn't that professional, in my opinion, but anybody else is booked until January. Personally, I would like to go once a week (my psychological problems effect my day-to-day routine, and I know that's definitely not healthy), but I just can't seem to get it into their heads that I need help.

I told my boyfriend all the issues I was having, and he just doesn't know what to do. I just think it upsets him to see me so completely miserable, and he can't do anything to help me. He's even tried calling them, telling them he's afraid for my safety. I mean, what if I blacked out while driving? He's also afraid for my safety because he's never seen me so suicidal.

It's definitely not normal for me to hear voices (my own, my boyfriends, strangers, etc) telling me to kill myself, but it doesn't matter. They just don't seem to care. I guess people have to actually try and commit suicide for them to actually DO something.

I've had a neurological check-up (he's been my neurologist since I was 3), and he said everything seems normal.

I just don't know what to do; I really need professional help, but nobody (besides my boyfriend and you guys) seems to be listening. My own mother is in denial about my problem.

My black-out problems are a huge problem. I black-out, and it's like it's another person in my body. I wake back up, and my boyfriend tells me I was talking nonsense and laughing really creepy. I feel really dizzy when I wake back up, and I don't remember talking nonsense and laughing.

I know you guys can't really do anything about it, it just makes it better talking about it, so thank you for listening.

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-Lauren-
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This may be an extreme step, Brianna, but have you considered simply going to the hospital?

If you declare intent to harm yourself or severe depression, California law requires that they hospitalize and evaluate you for 72 hours. It's not nearly as bad as it sounds; you stay in a hospital like room, attend group therapies, and get one-on-one time with a psychiatrist. When I went, they diagnosed me and started me on medication right on the spot.

But then again, hospitalization is expensive, and might not be the best course of action. But if you really find that nothing else is feasible in a decent timeframe, it could be a way to go.

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Brianna
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I'm not sure what kaiser does if you try and admit yourself. If you can hospitalize yourself at Kaiser, it would be free for me. I told my boyfriend about it, and he thinks it would be a good idea, if only I didn't have school. My psych teacher is harsh (I already have a C in attendance), and if I miss two more classes, I'd have an F in attendance (which is 25 percent of my grade).

I told my mom about everything, and she thinks it's because I'm afraid of her leaving. She's moving to Oregon when I leave for UCSC next year. One of the main reasons why I'm considering suicide is because I feel abandoned by everybody, but it's not the only reason. For the most part, I just feel horribly depressed, and I feel like I can't escape my feelings. I'm not quite sure why I'm depressed, but I just am horribly depressed.

If you admit yourself, do you have to go to group therapies? I have severe social anxiety, and I just REALLY hate group therapy. I went to one for a couple weeks, and this cheerleader when ON and ON about how someone threw a wrapped twinkie at her at the football game. I know that her problems may not be important to me, but they're important to her...but I just can't deal with stuff like that.

Last night was probably one of my more horrible nights. I just started my period (which is really strange since I'm in the middle of my birth control pack), and all hell broke loose. I just felt so miserable and alone. I snuggled with my boyfriend for comfort, but we have troubles sharing a bed because we both like to spread out. He went up onto the other bed, and every time I closed my eyes, all I saw was blood and me slicing at my skin. I went into the bathroom, and I just couldn't help but put myself down. I get into this weird rage at myself where I look at the mirror and tell myself that I'm ugly, fat, stupid, annoying, etc. I came back into our bedroom, and just sat in the computer chair because I couldn't go to sleep. My boyfriend woke up and I told him how I was feeling. He put on some kenny loggins (return to pooh corner...Eric knows how to make me smile), and just held me and petted my hair. He told me he'd get me help no matter what the cost. I ate a bagel, and I felt much better.

I'm just so tired of the moment I put my head to my pillow, I get extremely suicidal unless my boyfriend is in the same bed as me, holding me. I think it's just the fact that someone is there to protect me from myself, and to tell me everything is going to be alright.

I might look into hospitalization. My suicidal feelings are getting more intense and more frequent, and I don't know what will happen when my boyfriend isn't here to stop me from being stupid.

(I know it's extremely unhealthy to be so dependent on my boyfriend, but I will kill myself if I go about this alone.)

[ 10-14-2006, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: Brianna ]

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Heather
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Sounds to me, Briana, like hospitalization would be a good idea.

Even if the worst happens at school and you get an F, that pales to the worst happening in your life, and you losing control of your ability to choose to live it, you know? (Plus, getting extensions for being hospitalized is often a given.)

In a short hospitalization, to my knowledge, group therapy would likely not be something you're obliged to do, especially if social anxiety is a big part of the problem. But this is ceratinly something you could ask about with a phone call.

I'd suggest just making that call today and informing yourself about the whole process, and seeing if it seems like a good choice. But at this point, it really looks like an emergency intervention like this is both warranted and sound.

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Brianna
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My mom made me call my cousin and ask her what I should do. I told my cousin the whole story, and my cousin told me that I'm endangering myself by not being hospitalized. My mom and I are going to get ahold of Kaiser and see what we can do.

Who should I call? Should I call adult emergencies for psychiatry? Should I call customer service? I just want to know if Kaiser even has a psychiatric ward. I've been to the hospital many times, and I know it pretty well, but I've never seen a psychiatric ward there.

There's another hospital by me (Valley Med) which is the county hospital, and there were big doors that said, "PSYCHIATRIC WARD" (my friend's mom tried to commit suicide, so I was there when she was taken into the psychiatric ward). My mom doesn't want me to go to the county hospital because it's REALLY scary in there. I don't want to go there, either. I'd rather struggle by myself than put myself in an even worse situation.

Thank you all for your advice. I seriously wouldn't have even known what to do if it wasn't for you. What you're doing is amazing, especially for teens (who usually have the most questions).

[ 10-14-2006, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: Brianna ]

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-Lauren-
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You can just walk in to Kaiser's emergency room and tell them that you feel severely depressed, unable to cope, and feel like you might harm yourself. I did this through a community hospital and was transferred to a psychiatric hospital that same day.

I'm pretty sure they'll be able to hash something out from there; it's against the law for them to turn you away. If Kaiser itself doesn't have a in-patient facility, they should be willing to pay for the services of a state/private hospital.

(And all activities in the hospital are optional, including group therapies. The only things you must do are meet with your doctor and counselor/social worker, take your medications (if prescribed) and eat.)

[ 10-14-2006, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]

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Brianna
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So, I'm pretty sure I'm going into hospitalization. I feel so horrible that I'm making everybody suffer though.

I'm scared of being hospitalized though. My mom told me there are certain jobs I won't be able to obtain because of it. Do they not let you call people while you're being hospitalized? I feel like I'll be even deeper into the hole of no turning back if I'm not allowed to hear my boyfriend's voice. He goes off to college and calls me probably every 2 hours (cause we miss each other)unless he has a class or something. He's my voice of sanity, and him calling me and telling me he loves me is one of the only reasons why I don't just end it.

Do you get to wear your own clothes? Or do you wear those nightgowns with no backs? Can I bring my ipod?

I just am freaking out about going through with this, but I know I need help. I keep crying every hour because of all the pain I'm feeling inside. I'm starting to think my boyfriend is plotting a scheme for when I'm in the hospital. It'll be his chance to break free from my chains. I know I shouldn't be worried about that, and that I should be worried about my safety; my insecure side of me is just trying to prevent me from getting help.

My mom now thinks it's all my boyfriend's fault that I'm crazy. I've been crazy for much longer, I just haven't told her. She thinks my boyfriend going off to college, and me not having full control over him, is causing me to act out.

I will admit that some of my problem is my insecurities in our relationship. I feel he can find better, and that he will find better.

I'm just so screwed up right now. I can't decide what to do, even though I know being hospitalized is the right thing to do.

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Heather
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Please make the phone call to the hospital, Bri.

You're asking all these questions that THAT hospital has ALL the answers to. There's no sense agonizing over hypotheticals when you could know the actuals with a phone call, okay? If you can't handle calling, make a liost of questions and ask your Mom to call for you with them.

Per who to call, just call the general number for your hospital, explain to the recptionist what you're considering, and he or she will direct your call accordingly. You could also call your general doctor if he/she works via that same hospital.

And don't go to county: you have insurance via Kaiser, so that's the best system to stick/start with.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brianna
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My mom's being a little standoffish right now. Do you think they'd answer my boyfriend if he asked the questions? While my mother is concerned, my boyfriend knows all the details of how I'm feeling. He knows more about what's going on than she does, and he's more accepting of the idea of me being hospitalized.
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Heather
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I don't see why not. Certainly worth a try.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brianna
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Well, I called, and they told me they couldn't answer ANY of my questions regarding the environment of where I will be staying. I'm still going to go today though, because I need help.

I just wanted to thank you guys again for caring and your thoughtfulness.

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Brianna
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So I went, and they released me 5 hours later. They told me I wasn't THAT bad, and gave me sleeping pills.

I do have an appointment tomorrow with a psychiatrist, so that's good.

*sigh*. I really wish Eric was here, but I know that dwelling on that will not help me.

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Brianna
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So, I went to my psychiatry appointment today, and he feels like I probably have Borderline Personality Disorder. I will now be seeing a therapist and him on a regular basis (which is all I honestly wanted), and I'm on Risperdal and some sleeping pill. I'm feeling a lot better already. I had one of the best night's sleep I've had in a really long time, and I'm excited for that.
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Brianna
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[ 10-21-2006, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: Brianna ]

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