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Author Topic: Oh Baby, Baby
Allysa
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Hey guys,

Now I'm not exactly sure on how to write this one so I'll just say it.

Now I absoluetly love children even more so when my brother and sister started having them ( well not my brother and sister.....you know what I mean) because trust me once you meet my two beautiful nephew's and drop dead gorgeous niece you would become just as clucky as I do, my niece is three and her name is Tori, my two nepwhews one is also three six months younger than Tori and his name is Jorell and then let's not forget lil Liam who is one.

Now I have always pictured my life with children as I have always been around them and am very good with them ( once I know I can give them back,lol) but lately there's been a problem.

I feel the sudden urge to have a baby and it is really upsetting that I can't, now me and my bf have been together for less than a year and I'm sure you would all agree that, that is not long enough to even be thinking about children but I think that ever since the rape I have really felt the need to have a child, now like I said I have always loved children and over the years have come up with some very cute names as well as unsual, but lately the urge is so much stronger and I have no idea why.

Now a few months ago I couldn't resist the site of a cute lil pink and white stripped bonnet and mittens even though I obviously had no use for them as I wasn't expecting, but seriously if you saw them they are the type of things you just go AWWW at, but since the rape the urge has been alot stronger, I spoke to a girl on a chat room last night that I requently visit and she feels that my urge to have a child so young as I am not even 19 is due to the fact that my life is so chaotic and maybe having a child would help me feel in control, now to me that kinda makes sense and I feel as though that could be a reason for my urge to start a family, but another conclusion I have been running through my mind is I never really had much of a family and maybe having a child would make me feel a part of something.

Now things are even more stressful because as I mentioned me and my bf have not been together for very long and understandably my bf is not ready for children, which in the back of my mind I also feel I am not, now my bf is one of those guys who will not promise anything unless he knows for sure, which in this instince was the case, where he told me he isn't ready for children and I just couldn't stop crying, I almost asked if it was me that he didn't want children with, but now the urge I feel is even stronger because now I can't have children I want it so much more.

Now it seems pregnancy is in the air as the mother of my niece is pregnant again and due to give birth any time now, not to my brother, and also a friend has recently given birth and now another friend is pregnant also, and it hurts me because I feel I should have that to, when I see a baby something inside of me just tingles and I feel a sigh of happiness.

Now I can picture myself holding a lil bub in my hands and the look on my face is just pure happiness, but again my heart is breaking because I can't have it.

Now I've babbled on about this for lil while but could SOMEONE please tell me why I feel the urge to have a child and now.

Is it because I will be in control of it and feel like I am apart of something or is it the simple answer that I am ready for children, as I said before in the back of mind I feel I am not, seeing those pictures in my head of me being happy looking down at this little being I just crave that feeling.

So can someone maybe give me some idea of why it is hurting me so much because it isn't happening and why I feel like I am missing out by not having a child or being pregnant, because this is really begginning to impact on me, and I also feel that by the time my bf is ready for children I won't be with him anymore, and that I fear I will never have children at all unless I do it now, as I feel I wouldn't be in a relationship long enough to have children.

My bf has been perfectly honest with me but not promising we will be together forever and long enough to do those type of things, but again hearing those words hurts me because I feel that I will never experience that happiness I feel whenever I picture a child in my arms.

Seriously, what is going on, even now I am trying not to cry because I am hurting so much because I can't have what I want and at the moment feel I need in order to be happy, now having a child souly for that purpose I feel is wrong, I feel I should want a child for more than just relief from my pain, so please someone tell me if there is something wrong or if I truly am ready to start a family, and if so why now.

[Confused]

[ 08-23-2006, 07:47 PM: Message edited by: Allysa ]

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Ally

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-Lauren-
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Allysa,

It's perfectly normal to feel this way after the things you've been through. I can't begin to imagine what is must be like, and the pain you must feel.

It's common for women who get depressed, lonely, or who are experiencing hardship to desire a child to fill an emotional void. Could this be it?

It's fun to look at baby stuff, and I've experienced too the joys of being an aunt. But I think you're very self-aware and smart to realize that you just might not be equipped for mothering at this stage of your life.

Parenting now means your child comes first, all the time, at a time when you should be focusing on yourself and taking the time to heal inside.

Have you checked out the article on the main site on the subject?

http://www.scarleteen.com/reproduction/babynow.html

This may help bring things into better perspective, if you haven't given it a gander already.

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Allysa
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I also feel that the emotional void is a part of it but the urge is so strong and last night I couldn't stop crying when my bf said we couldn't have a baby, I felt as though I had, had my heart ripped out and stomped on, I felt so empty when he said that.

But I am so confused as to why it is hurting me so much because I can't, I mean last year with my ex he practically promised me children and marriage and all that jazz but I wasn't so desperate for them back then as I am now, even though my ex was playing along with my fantasy at having a family.

I fully agree that I am not ready for children but I just feel that I need to hold a child in my arms and know that it is mine and it is seriously tearing me up that it is something that I can't have now.

So you do think it's because I feel out of control and having a baby would maybe get me back in control or am I just that stressed that anything is possible right now.

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Ally

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Boldly Obscure
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Hi Alyssa, I don't think that it is a control thing, although it very well could be.

The first thing that comes to my mind is that having a baby would offer you unconditional love and you want it because you feel like you don't have that from anyone else right now.

But I can tell you from semi-first hand experience, (I have two sisters below the age of three) that living with a baby is really not as much fun as one might think. If anything it would put you even less in control, because a child would quickly take over your life. You really wouldn't be in control of what was going on with your child- it would be the other way around. Children, especially babies, are a huge burden and are extremely hard to look after and often inspire even more feelings of despair when you can't seem to comfort them and make them happy.

As for why you are so upset about not being able to have a baby, I think that it's just the same as being upset about anything else that you can't have that you really want. Only you really know exactly why you want a baby... but I think that I did state valid possibilities above. Your feelings are probably concentrated because of all that you've been through, and maybe you're releasing other pent up emotions through this aswell.

Just remember that you have your whole life to look foreward to- maybe try to focus on other things that you like right now, maybe think about what you might like to do with your life in the near and extended future... And just as a warning, I think you're smart enough to realize this on your own, but I'll add it anyway, I would strongly advise against doing anything dishonest as a way of getting pregnant such as poking holes in your condoms, because that would be extremely unfair to your boyfriend, etc. Just my thoughts... Good luck figuring it out! [Smile]

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Allysa
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I would never do that because I know that I would become a single parent and I would never risk that for anything I love my bf and would never trap him into anything, it's also a lil harder for when I was 15 I become pregnant, quite accidentally but had a miscarriage and ever since then have felt as though I have been missing something.

I hate thinking that I only want a baby because my life is so screwed up that I need a baby to fix that, I so know what babies are like seriously after my other newphew was born he was a lil terror, he cried for half his life and I saw first hand what that did to my sister, and thinking that, that could happen with me kinda made me realise there is no in hell I am ready for that.

I said last night when I was upset that I wished I had lost the perscription for the pill but I did manage to find it, I so couldn't put my bf through that, I would rather have no baby and have my bf than the other way round, I know I have plenty of time it's just right now I feel like it's a must, it's very difficult.

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Ally

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Mr. Matthew
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Alyssa,

I and others here can understand the tremendous urge you have to want children. You need love so much, and the way a young child loves its mother is mystical and powerful. For a long time after birth it is as if they are still one body.

You are wise enough to know that the difficulties of raising a child is also powerful. You've seen it in your brother's and sister's families. And the scarleteen link Miss Lauren pointed out also tells it like it is.

As a good friend of mine once said to me: "Having children is the most difficult and most rewarding thing I've ever done." And he is a man. For a woman it is, frequently, even more rewarding and more difficult.

But as far as feeling loved by children, you have a niece and two nephews. Aunts and uncles can influence their nieces and nephews in ways that parents can't. Children, when they get older, can sometimes talk to an aunt or uncle in ways that they can't talk to their parents. Being an aunt or uncle is a special relationship with special rewards and responsibilities. Nurture those relationships, and you can get much love from them, even now.

I'm sending magic to you, over the waves, to help you feel good.

Matthew

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Allysa
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Thank you for the magic, was it suppose to make me sneeze, lol, the problem is only getting harder and the urge so much stronger, I have found that if I am not having nightmares I am dreaming of having children, which is making this a whole lot more difficult.

Yesterday was extreamly difficult as when my bf and I went grocery shopping, you guessed it, babies everywhere, I almost left crying, I felt as though I couldn't get away from them, it was so painful seeing those babies, because deep down inside me that's what I want.

I spoke to my bf yesterday and described how I feel he understands that i'm going through a rough time and is standing by me, I also understand how difficult parenting can be as I said before I have seen what my sister's second son did to her in the way of stress and so on, but the thing is no matter how hard I try and tell myself I am not ready for that, I am still willing to try because I have seen how happy I am around children.

Getting a cuddle from my nephew sends shivers down my spin, having him telling me he loves me almost brings tears to me eyes, having him laughing I can't help but laugh to, I love how I feel when I am with them and honestly want to feel that with my own, I know my bf has insisted that he isn't ready and he knows that it is effecting me because of that, but the simple pleasure I feel is almost destroying me.

Why is it getting stronger.

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Ally

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Ecofem
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Your feelings are really understandable, Ally, and I'm sure you mean the world to your nephew. You've going through a very rough patch in life, and kids can be great. However, I think they'd make your situation about 10x harder to deal with. Would you want a child to have to experience what you're going through right now? Why not focus on getting better, then seriously considering kids only after you've gotten to a point where you're truly satisfied?

Since you are supposed to be looking for a job, how about looking for one at a pre-school or childcare center? Or even volunteering at the preemie ward of a hospital? You'd be giving love and getting it back, not to mention (maybe) getting paid. It could be a very comfortable environment and really empowering.

If all else fails in terms of wanting a baby, can you give yourself a timeline before revisiting the topic or discussion with your boyfriend. Like six months from now? Just to give yourself more time to work on other things and think about it?

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Allysa
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There is no way I could put my child through this so that's one reason stopping me from having one now, but the urge is very strong and difficult to ignore because the fact I find it hard to look at children at the moment and can't really avoid that, I go off the pill next year for good because there is a higher risk of breast cancer with long use of it and breat cancer is already in the family history as my auntie died from it so I will stopping the pill so avoid any high risk.

I had never really though about a job in day care, well I have because I love kids but yeah I might talk to my coulcellor or psychologist about it when I chat to them next, never thought of the hospital though that could be fun, I very much doubt my bf will be ready for kids any time soon, nothing against him but yeah, I don't see it happening any time soon.

But hey by the time I go off the pill he might that's 8 months away so yeah, you never know ay, I could never bring up a child at the moment because of my problems I know that, I can barely look after myself, but again the feelings are very hard to ignore.

I dunno if I would make a good mum any time, I mean my friends say I would because of how I am with my nephews and stuff but I mean to them my behaviour is funny cause I can act stupid and they don't care, lol, my chance to be a retard and not have them care, they just laugh at me and think it's great fun, lol.

[Smile]

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Ally

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Allysa
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Why won't this feeling go, I tried so hard to put it out of my mind thinking it was just the stress of this making my thoughts and feelings messed up but it won't go, I still feel like I have a hole inside myself that needs filling, there are no garuntee's that even if I had a child that child would fill it but I just don't know what to do, I can honestly feel like I am missing something, What did lane take from me that I can feel missing.

Is there anyway I can get it back, please can someone help me, this is getting so painful feeling so empty, please someone tell me what's going one, what am I missing.

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Ally

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Allysa
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Is there an easy answer to this at all.

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Ally

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Heather
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There's no easy answer to any of this, Allysa. Sorry, but there's no way around that one.

Again, are you talking to your counselor about all of this? Arranging extra visits in a week if you remain this deep in crisis? Following what suggestions she's giving?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Allysa
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She didn't really know how to answer that question either, she agreed that maybe I wanted one so badly because I felt as though it may fix things, saying I had plenty of time for children and so on but after that I did feel as though I didn't want them so badly but after yesterday I saw my two nephews again and those feelings came back, and I was happier than I have been in forever, I just felt horrible afterwards because I blamed them for that also, I said to my bf I shouldn't have seen them.

I can't keep going on like this though, it's not really getting any easier and now they're starting to put pressure on me to get a job which is making things so much more stressful.

[ 08-30-2006, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: Allysa ]

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Allysa
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It's not going away, I thought it was but it's not, everytime I think I can handle not being able to have a child right away and I think I can wait I dream about having a child.

Last night I dreamt I was having a C-section and I wasn't suppose to be awake during the procedure, but when I heard the baby cry I woke up and they stopped right next to me holding my child and I reached out and touched it's face, the emotions I felt and still feel are so intense and over whelming it's amazing.

But now I am back to feeling empty and as though I am missing something, but in that dream as soon as I saw my babies face I felt overwhelming love and affection I felt whole.

I thought heart broken was just an expression, but I can physically feel the viod this is leaving inside me, I feel my heart aching for the love I felt when I saw that child's face, the innocence looking back at me, it's incredible.

I don't understand why this is such a huge factor but I just can't seem to stop thinking about it and the feelings I feel when I dream about my child.

I just don't know what this all means, why I feel so empty when I don't have one yet feel so alive when I dream I do.

The other day I babysat my two nephews and my youngest feel asleep in my arms, it just felt so natural to me and so fulfilling the house didn't feel the same when they left, apart of me was happy they did leave because I didn't feel quite so motherly, but the house was just so empty without the giggles and love.

can someone please try and make sense out of these emotions, because I don't understand why they are becoming so much stronger and why I can't forget about them and the over powering emptiness I feel when I don't dream about it.

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Ally

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logic_grrl
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The thing is, you're ultimately the only one who can make sense out of the emotions and work out what they mean to you.

Other people, like your counsellor, can ask questions and help you think about them, but you're the only one who can decide what the answers are.

One angle might be to think about what children mean for you right now. Maybe it's about being unconditionally loved and being able to take care of others, for example.

That might seem very appealing when you're feeling very stressed out and confused about interactions with others and your ability to take care of yourself.

That's just an example - as I said, you're the one who has to decide what it means for you.

And putting what it means into words might also help you accept the difference between the fantasy and the reality (since full-time childcare often involves children not always being perfectly loving, and often makes even experienced parents feel incompetent and helpless), and thus make the desire less overwhelming.

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"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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Heather
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One other thought here, Ally.

Am I correct in recalling that the ONLY close relationship you have right now is also a sexual one?

If so, it's not surprising you're craving intimacy and closeness which is NOT sexual, especially when you're recovering from sexual abuse and assault.

And this is pretty easily accomplished -- far more so than having children -- by putting energy into establishing platonic friendships and connections with others which are not sexual, which are familial or based in other sorts of closeness than sex/romance.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Allysa
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The hard thing about that though Heather, the ppl I do know find it difficult to understand my needs I guess, my best friend calls me selfish because I try and focus on what I need, they are considering a support group at Laurel house where I have councelling so maybe the chance of meeting other girls who have been through what I have will be a good way for me to get throughthis because I will finally have ppl who understand and don't judge.

Logic_grrl the thing is I can't make sense out of my need to have a baby, yes I crave other closeness that isn't sexual but I mean I know that I can get that from my partner, I just feel more of a whole when I am around children, I know mentally and emotionally I am not ready for children but it breaks my heart that I'm not because I want it so badly.

It's all so all over the place with my emotions and stuff, when one things seems to be settling down another problems starts, I can't seem to find an end to anything.

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Ally

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Heather
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Thing is, even if a romantic/sexual relationship has other aspects, that one still looms large, and it's 100% normal for relationships in which sex is not a factor AT ALL to be appealing.

ESPECIALLY when you're healing from sexual abuse.

If children are therapeutic for you right now, and you feel like you can handle yourself enough at this point to be responsible enough to care for them, then why not go and get involved with some volunteer work with them? Like say, tutoring a kid in need? Doing something for your local community center? Candy-striping at your local hospital in the pediatrics ward?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Allysa
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That seeems like a really good idea, I usually go down and see my newphews and yeah that is usually something that brings a smile to my face but yeah I will deffinately look into that one for sure.

Thankx

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Ally

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Allysa
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Hey guys.

As I wrote in my first post back here my need for children has not gone away, if anything it;s stronger than ever.

Me and Scott are at loger heads over this as he is not ready and I feel I am, I do love him and would love nothing more than to have his child and cannot begin to imagine it any other way but I feel that because he is comfortable with how things with him and I are atm (sex buddies no strings attached basically....although he would word it as close) I feel he will never take the step to become committed.

He has told me he does love me and can see a future with me and I am the one he wants to be with but like every typical male he has said if he settles down he may be missing out on other things if he does.

He says he should be ready to settle because he has someone who loves him and is so devoted to waiting till he's ready and that, that should be enough but he is again worried he will miss out on other things.

Don't get me wrong I am willing to wait but I just honestly feel he will never change.

I've known him almost two years and for those two years I've been close with him for almost a year and a half and he still hasn't budged.

I risk losing the man I love by leaving but I also risk waiting a lifetime for someone who isn't willing to make a descision on what he wants.

Do I stay Or Leave.

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Ally

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