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Author Topic: Not doing so well this time
nixieGurl
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I found out everything my friend said to my boyfriend. I also found out that she told them all to stay away from me because he (who hurt me) had given me a disease and that is why I am having surgery. And so they didnt want to go near me. She didnt even say what it was.

So noone will even sit near me. I feel so discusting. I would never do that to her, or anyone, it hurts so much, I just dont understand. She told them I wanted to do it, and that is why his wife was mad at me. I feel sick. What am I supposed to do with this? I know I should not listen to them, but it hurts so much. They are being so pathetic I cant believe them.

I still have to go to surgery alone, but they wnt let me go home unless someone is with me when they discharge me. I guess I have to ask my counselor. I dont wanna lean on her so much, I dont want to be too much for her, she has many other people who need her to help them too, and I dont want to distract her too much from that.

I have had four showers today, because I still feel so dirty. Im scared. I hate this.

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Ecofem
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Nixie, I'm so sorry to hear about this and sorry it took so long to get a reply. Their actions are so cruel, I can't think of what to say other than that you can and will get through it, and it will be better eventually.

As horrible as what your "friend" told your boyfriend, for him to blindly believe all of it without talking to you, is bad and weird of him. Not to sit near you is painfully ridiculous. Chances are they realize how bad their actions are but keep going along with the group because they are weak.

I'm sure your counselor would be totally fine with being there for you. You've been through a lot, without support, and you could certainly use it now. It's not that big of a request anyhow, and part of her job/connection as a human being is going that extra step when necessary.

I wish I could be there with you. I know that many, many others here at Scarleteen would want to be there for you in person as well. You've really done so much to help us, too, we'd want to help give back to you!

You shouldn't be scared or dirty, it may be hard to avoid these feelings but you are a good person who did nothing wrong. And while you've experienced a lot of horrible things, they do not make you worse in any way, just stronger. Just keep on hanging in there, soon you'll be able to (literally) move on to a happier life.

<3

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Ecofem
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How are you doing today, Nixie? I hope the surgery goes/went well, and that recovery is speedy.
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nixieGurl
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Hey Ecofem,

Thanks, today sucks. I have just had enough now. My mother has called me eight times. Eight.
To tell me that she hates what I have become, is ashamed of me and that she wants to kill herself because she hates me so much and what I do. Apparently I have humiliated her in front of her family and the town. But then she calls back and says she just feels like all she does is give to me and I am just so ungrateful. I dont knwo what she is talking about. Im SO frustrated I felt like hitting my head against the wall.

I couldnt even say anything back to her. I am so so scared she will hurt herself. I know she is depressed, and I have made it so much worse. I just feel so many emotions all at once. Im angry, frustrated, upset and just soooooooo confused. Ugh I have just had enough of everything. I dont want to have surgery anymore. And I want my friends to stop thinking I have an infectious disease and actually come within 100 feet of me. Ugh today sucks.

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Ecofem
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Nixie, the fact that your mother called you eight times seems proof enough that she is the one with the problem here. One time would have been mean and too much, but eight times is just inappropriate harassment. She's definitely being pretty awful to you right now.

I know you're a kind-hearted person so you care about her, but she is the one who should be caring about you here! Depression may be a disease, but it's her job as a mom to somehow deal with it (such as going to counseling) so she can be a supportive mother. Which she just isn't doing now.

You don't have to talk to her; just hang up, if you aren't already. You don't need to take this crap.

And I'm really sorry to hear your friends are still being so ignorant and hurtful. Ignoring them is easier said than done, so it's just about getting through right now... I don't know all the details about the surgery, but you should definitely go through if it's important and will help you. However, maybe you could pospone it? Or could you move and have it done elsewhere?

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nixieGurl
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I know I really need the surgery. I am tired of being in pain. But I would live in physical pain for the rest of my life if the mental and emotional pain would lessen slightly. I have always been an independant person, but I have never been so alone before. Having those things said by my own mother, was more than hard. And I just dont feel like any of this is getting better at all. I am trying so hard though. BUt its not worth it.
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Ecofem
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Then please do get the surgery. And then can you leave the town? I think things will be much, much better when you do. It's you, it's them. The surgery should help the physical pain, and the emotional and mental pain certainly will get better eventually.

I think it is worth it in the long run, but I won't deny that it's excruciatingly hard, and that you're sadly having to do it on your own. But made much worse by the people you know and care about.

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nixieGurl
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I left my home town. I live in the city now. It helped that I dont live there with everyone, but It didnt help as much as I had hoped it would.

I wish I didnt care about these people as much as I do. But I love them all. And even though they obviously dont love me, I cant just let them all go over night. And I still love and care for my mum and miss her like crazy. I dont think they would even notice if I was gone

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Allysa
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Nixie, I am so sorry to hear that things are bad for you, I feel for you hun, everything I am going through seems nothing compared to what you are having to face and deal with, I wish I could be there with you so you knew that there are ppl who care about you.

I really wish I could make things better for you in some way, because god knows you deserve it.

Mwah

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Ally

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nixieGurl
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Thanks Ally, Hope you are feeling a bit better now. I will post more in a couple of days when things get easier my end. Had a rough night. Gotta talk to my counselor again today, I cant go through with it anymore.
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nixieGurl
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OK I will try this now,
My mum has decided, very reluctantly, that she must come to surgery with me or what would people think of her as a mother. I still think her reasoning behind it sucks. But its a start I guess. My friends tried to freak me out last night. And it worked. Came around in the night and I was alone, and they tried to freak me out going around the house outside and stuff. And I am kinda not dealing with the threat of someone breaking in right now and I totally freaked out. One of them had a key from one of the people I live with and came inside through the back door and hid inside for a while. Untill I settled down. Then when I went into my room he was sitting on my bed and I almost died.

They said they didnt think I would be so scared and it was just a joke and to chill out. They were al wasted on something. And didnt know the full story of what had happened to me. When they found out (yes I bothered to try to explain after all of that) They felt pretty damn stupid.

Im still shaking today from that, even though I knwo it was them. I have had that guy stalking me and hurting me for so long I thought he was back and it was an awful feeling. I will be ok. Just need to try to relax and stop checking my doors are locked.
Nixie

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Allysa
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Hun, honestly if checking that the doors are locked makes you feel better then keep doing it, seriously after my rape I constantly ask my bf if the doors are locked and as soon as he says yes I feel at ease, so seriously if that's what helps you sleep better, then do it.

Hun, I am glad your mum did decide to go with you to the surgery, even yes if the circumstances behind her descision sucks, like you said, it's a start.

Things can only get better from there babe.

Good luck with the councellor, I really hope things start getting better for you, and good luck with surgery, my thoughts and love is with you hun.

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Ally

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nixieGurl
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Thanks Ally,

I hope it can get better from here, because I dont see hwo it could be worse than this right now. I am so mad at my friends, I still feel sick and scared. I was finally starting to shake some of those feelings off too, but they are back once again.

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Allysa
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I can't really say things will get better sweet, because right now I also feel as though things with me won't, but like I keep getting told, If they have been good once before it's only a matter of time before that are again, keep moving forward sweet, I don't blame you for being mad at your friends and it's ok to feel scared but you have ppl here for you no matter where we are in the world we all love you very much.

You're a very strong person hun, whether you feel like you are or not, believe me you are, and you will get through this and we are all here to see that happen.

Don't give up quite just yet.

I should really be listening to my own advice here ay, but hun we're all here for you.

Mwah

[ 08-20-2006, 11:54 PM: Message edited by: Allysa ]

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Ally

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nixieGurl
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Sometimes, i guess I just realise how much I dont want to do it all anymore. And I just cant see getting through it. I just am not always strong enough to pull through it everyday. And this is one of those days. I want to be normal, or at least feel slightly normal for at least one whole day. Im struggling more today then ever.
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Allysa
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I know exactly how that feels hun, trust me, it seems as though things would be easier if you just gave up huh, you will have some days harder than others and that's understandable hun, no one will judge you for feeling like giving up, but you can do it, I know you can do it, it is hard I know, but you can, you just have to cope the best way you can.

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Ally

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nixieGurl
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I just dont know if I can. As weak as it sounds right now.
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Allysa
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It's not weak hun, but if it's and constilation, I know you can.

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Ally

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nixieGurl
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I have just had enough of feeling hurt. I know Im not the only one to ever go through this, not by a long shot. But I am just so tired of it all.
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Wise Janet Weiss
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I know I'm new to the conver,but I hope you go
through w/ everthing smoothly.

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Allysa
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And you have every right to be tired Nix, but you can get through this, I know it seems hopeless at the moment believe me I know, but you can't give up Nixie, by giving up you're letting your attacker win, by showing him that he has control of you, don't let him have control, believe me sweet heart i know exactly how you feel about being tired of hurting, god knows I have tried to give up, but at the end of the day I know that I am letting the ppl who hurt me win, by showing them I am weak, now sweet I am not saying you're weak, I know you're not, keep trying hun.

Please don't give up, I am here for you if you need it ok.

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Ally

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