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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Make It Stop, Please, No More (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Make It Stop, Please, No More
Allysa
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I don't know how to do this, I feel so numb, I can't tell how I'm feeling, It's so hard to be one or the other, whether I should be [Smile] Happy or Sad [Frown] I have trouble knowing whether I should still want to be touched or not, I feel so alone, I love it when my bf cuddles me but at the same time I feel I shouldn't be wanting it, Sex is so crazy, I want his affection and love but I feel I shouldn't want sex at all, I'm sitting here not feeling anything but sick Inside.

I want so badly to know where to go and what to do, should I be wanting his love, should I be sitting In a dark corner and crying, should I do this should I do that........I feel like I'm going crazy [Confused] all these feelings all the time, all these thoughts running through my head, all these images of hurting myself, all these mixed emotions scrambled in my head.

I want so badly to cut right now It's unbelievable, but I know that by doing that I am letting him win, I am showing him how weak I am, But at the same time I know It will help, By feeling physical pian will make the emotional pain not seem quite so present in my head, I can't do this at all, It's so hard.

I keep picturing myself bleeding and a sudden rush of edenarline ( whatever) takes over and I keep wanting to feel that anything Is better than how I feel right now.

No more, make It stop, I feel so dead inside, nothing makes me happy, everytime I smile as soon as I sit down and take a breath, I see his face, I feel his touch and that smile Is replaced with a sick and eary feeling Inside.

Even doing the one thing that truely makes me smile Is just empty, Singing has been my escape from the world, and now It Is just background noise in which I accassionally take part.

The outside world reflects my Inside pain, bleek and dreary, wet and cold, miserable and dark, nothing seems to make It go away, why can't It go away, just make It stop please, I can't take it anymore, I want It to end, I want to bleed, I want to sleep.

My constant need to take pain killers Is destroying my hope for recovery, those stupid pills don't even work, but knowing I have taken something makes It seem like they do.

No More, I've had enough, WHY CAN'T I CRY, why am I so cold inside, why does everything around me seem so dark, nothing seems real anymore, my old life has gone, consumed with fear, anger, pain and a need for an end.

When In the shower all I see is my razor, all I think Is, How sharp Is that, Will It cut me the way I want to be cut, MY GOD I'M A FREAK, the water just runs over me like his hands did, like his mouth, like his body, It makes me so sick.

Why am I still wanting my bf to touch me, why Is sex so much more Important now, I shouldn't want sex, I shouldn't want anything, all I want is death, all I want is blood.

STOP IT, I CAN'T DO THIS, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP, how easy It would be to just leave and never come back, how quickly I could end this all right now, NO STOP IT, STOP IT, walk Into the darkness and dissapear, GOD, I want It so badly.

Don't tell me to get help, just make It stop please, tears won't flow, mind racing, head spinning, body cold and dead, heart pounding harder In my chest, throat closing tight, hard to breath.

PLEASE STOP, GO AWAY, NO MORE, I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH, I'M WEAK, IT'S MY FAULT, I DESERVED IT, I WANT TO DIE, I WANT TO DISSAPEAR FORVER, I'M STUPID, HE GOT WHAT HE WANTED, I MEAN NOTHING, NO ONE WILL CARE, THEY'LL BE GLAD, NEVER BE HAPPY, ALONE, AFRAID, DESPERATE. [Mad]

No more, It's over, I'm done.

The girl I used to be has gone, she died the night my soul was taken from me, Gone Forever. [Frown]

[ 07-26-2006, 02:48 AM: Message edited by: Allysa ]

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Ally

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isabelle
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hey its ok hun i think youre having cultural versus emotional conflicts inside yourself, did your family bring you up to believe sex was bad? have you believed it was bad when you were younger? you might be having some strong conflicts inside your head about everything.

it sounds like youre a very emotional person who doesnt like to face these emotions whenever possible, but youre making alot of headway, it sounds like you havent cut or used lately from this post so i'm glad you have that much control, i know you can do it, it just takes some getting used to, its very easy to go back to old habits that comfort you but you are being very smart so far even amoung all the pain, that pain will go away and youre soul is just hiding in the mean time ( at the worst)i promise!
and respect yourself for all the strength you have and all the intelligence and talent, you deserve nothing bad you are beautiful i dont need to see your face to know it and people love you for who you are not who you pretend to be and not your body, this guy sticks with you even though you obviously have alot of problems youre facing and he did because youre special to HIM and no other girl is
love yourself, and live on with happiness

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Allysa
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I have used actually, I haven't stopped, I am even having to hide it from my bf because I know he won't approve, how is that being strong.

No my family never bought me up to think sex was bad, they didn't even notice when lil things started changing, how un fair is that, I read a list of differnt things children of abuse go through i.e warning signs and it makes me so mad that my mum couldn't see it, I had every single warning sign.

Wetting the bed, a fasinaction with private parts, unsual affection, what kind of parent doesn't wonder why.

I have no strength at the moment, you think it's strong to rely on stupid pain killers to take away the pain, my god how stupid can someone be using pain killers to stop pain that can't be helped with drugs, how is that strong, IT'S NOT IT'S PATHETIC.

I should be used to this kinda stuff by now, 12 years of sexuall abuse and I'm not used to it, I can't even tell when someone is getting the wrong impression.

As if I'm specail to him, it's probably pity, he feels sorry for me, I've never been loved, my family are more like ppl I know and ppl I used to live with rather than family, my bf's family GOD , now that's a family, it hurts me so much to see what other ppl have, he has sooo much and I have nothing.

Emotional is an understatement, I cry over stupid things, yet now I find it hard to cry over major things, how much of a loser am I, I have to pretend to be someone else because I hate who I really am, I'm not a victim or a surviviour, I am someone who got what she deserved from day one, everything happens for a reason everyone says, my reason is obvious, it'a all i'm good for, if I was meant for something else it would have happened by now.......18 years later I'M STILL WAITING.

Talent, what talent, the only talent I have is for attracting feral guys who can't keep their dick's in their trousers, yeah that's some great talent, I am so scared of having children because I keep reading how abused ppl will often abuse their children, yeah that's bloody marvaluos, I'm really looking forward to that now.

I CAN'T DO THIS, it's that simple, I can't, how can I love myself when ever since I was lil i've been used for that, I HAVE NO LIFE APART FROM THAT, the pain will never go away, I will never love nor respect myself, I have no soul, no intelligence, no strength, NOTHING, I'M NOT BEAUTIFUL, I'm worthless, a piece of crap on the ground that is constanly sticking to ppl's boots and getting run into the ground.

That's all. nothing else, I'm better off dead. [Mad]

[ 07-26-2006, 05:17 AM: Message edited by: Allysa ]

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Ally

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wobblyheadedjane
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Hey Allysa, it sounds like you're going through a really, really hard time today [Frown] Many hugs for you - what you're processing isn't easy at all, and doubting everything around you is natural, and normal.

You said you were ready to see a therapist, because talking to someone face to face was too hard, and you preferred this because it's more anonymous. I found some crisis numbers for Australia that you can call. It's still anonymous, but you'll have access to people who can help you much more immediately than anyone here could, especially if you're feeling this distressed and depressed.

Online Kids Counseling Kids Free Help Line: 1-800-551-800 (I know this one says for Kids, but often they talk to teenagers too, so give them a shot.)

Advocate for Survivors of Child Abuse: 1.300.657 .80

Crisis Line, Information, Counselling :1.800.622.112 (they will be good to talk to if you're feeling like you have to cut, or if you feel like you want to die.)

Trust me, there are many people here who have gone through similar things as you. It's insanely difficult but they have done it, and you can too. Please, call these numbers for help - you sorely need to hear from a caring human voice, I think.

Keep us posted, hun.

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wobblyheadedjane
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Also, Ecofem posted another good hotline in the Abuse and Rape Survivors thread, I would encourage you to check that one out also.

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Allysa
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Thankx heaps for that, I have another number i've been recommened as well so yeah, having mroe is always a plus.

Today I think I was at my worst, I was so ready to give up and stop trying, In some ways I still am, I am so up and down lately it's hard to know what I want really, I mean it can take one cuddle from my bf to put a smile on my face, yet something trivial can take it off.

I have calmed down now, but again I still feel so cut off and like nothing is real anymore or anything, it's such a strange feeling to have where you feel as though things around you aren't what they used to be.

I cannot thank you all enough for your support the past few days it't been incredible how you have helped me.

Thank you again for the numbers, My bf also thankx you as he see's me at my best and worst and know's that the more life line's I have the better things will get, so from us both.

THANKX GUYS.

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Ally

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Allysa
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I feel just as bad now, I still feel like I can't cry even though now I have been able to, last night I was depressed all day and just before bed my bf hugged me and I just couldn't hold it anymore, I just said I can't do this and I just burst into tears.

Nothing makes me happy anymore, I find it hard to smile, my three yo and and one yo nephew's don't even help, My three yo nephew told me he loved me yesterday whilst I was down there and I said it back but felt nothing when I did.

Still nothing seems real around me, I feel as though I am not really here but I am, I feel as though I'm not myself as though a part of me is missing, I don't feel anything anymore, I just feel numb, My bf keeps saying it will get better but I honestly don't see how it will, I just feel so alone and cold inside, even having my bf hug me just feels like nothing.

why do I feel so numb, why can't I feel joy when my nephew says he loves me, why can't I feel love when my bf holds me, why do I feel dead inside and my body is living but my mind has died, I find it so hard to sleep because when I close my eyes I'm awake moments later from my bf shaking me from having a nightmare.

Please help me I can't take this much longer, I feel so exhausted, this is draining so much energy out of me it's incredible, please help me feel normal again, my bf thinks I should go back on a program I was on but the thing is you can't go back on after finishing you have to wait twelve months so I don't know how that will work at all, I feel going to a new councellor would open the book of pain up again and right now I barely have the energy to deal with this let alone more pain.

Please help I feel so cold. [Frown]

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Ally

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Allysa
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Doesn't seem to matter what I do, something always makes me think of a month ago, can you believe it's been that long, well close enough 4 weeks on saturday night, so two more days and it will have been 4 weeks.

I still have trouble sleeping, I still have moments where I wonder who is behind me, but now I feel it's begginning to catch up with me, I find it hard not to cry sometimes, I am angry alot of the time, I find it hard to find something to smile about, I just feel as though at any given moment I'm going to explode, I worry that if I keep it bottled up much longer I will, but I still feel as though I couldn't handle dealing with it right now and am still forcing myself to block it out.

Am I just scared of admitting it happened, am I worried I will take it out on my bf and those around me, am I worried that now I have cut that if things get to bad I might go to far, of course but I don't know what to do, After I cut today, everytime I picked up a knife all I wanted to do was cut, everytime afterwards I just want to do it again, it's my only release from it all I just can't help but feel like I need more.

I feel like such a freak telling you all that I cut myself to deal with this, I used to be able to write how I felt but lately I don't know what I'm feeling let alone how to write it, it's so confusing, I never knew honestly it could make me feel this way, I'm used to feeling **** because of my history but this is unbelieveable.

I feel as though I have no escape from it, as if I will never be happy, things that used to make me laugh I just have no reaction over, things that used to make me cry i'm just numb, the songs I used to love singing to are just there, I don't know what's going on with me, I feel as though I am going to break down because I don't know what I am suppose to be like, I don't know how to react.

I can't stop shaking and feeling nervous when I'm outside, I feel as though inside i'm screaming but the outside of me can't hear it, I feel as though I am putting too much onto my bf and I really don't want this to have to be his problem too, I love him so much but I feel as though he doesn't need me around whilst I am like this, I feel useless to him.

How can I start felling like I used to, why does everything seem so dead around me, why does it feel like I am just here because no where else will have me, why do I feel like an empty shell.

Please someone help me, I can't take much more of this, it's too much to take in and process.

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Ally

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cool87
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I understand you said it yourself, it's too much to take in, you need help. And it's progress, you're starting to realize that. You need other people to help you. Just know that it doesn't mean you're crazy( you reacting that way), it's perfectly typical of people who've just been raped.

If you look in the other thread, Miz Scarlet told you she was gonna give you some ressources. I'll look on my side too and will get back to you.

Did you call those hotline wobblyheadedjane gave you ? They might really help and they are totally anonymous. There're even one you could call to talk about your cutting. Really, you could start by talking about that if you don't feel like ready right now to talk about your rape. That could be a great start and there will be at least a burden off your shoulder. If you still want to take a look at it here they are:

Online Kids Counseling Kids Free Help Line: 1-800-551-800 (I know this one says for Kids, but often they talk to teenagers too, so give them a shot.)

Advocate for Survivors of Child Abuse: 1.300.657 .80

Crisis Line, Information, Counselling :1.800.622.112 (they will be good to talk to if you're feeling like you have to cut, or if you feel like you want to die.)

Really, maybe start by this last one. Because right now, you're in a crisis.

[ 08-03-2006, 07:43 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Mr. Matthew
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Allysa,

I care.

M

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Allysa
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Thankx again cool87, that would be really good right now, I think I might give them a shot soon because yeah it's getting too much lately, so it would be really good to maybe give it a shot if nothing else.

Thanks Mr Matthew, it's great to have so much support, it means alot.

Thankx all

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Ally

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cool87
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Allysa, you don't know how this made me feel better to read your post and learn you were thinking about giving those ressources a shot soon. It's for your best of interests believe me.

And you're making even more progress here because you're starting to realize that it's too much for you to handle and you couldn't be more right about that. It's things like that that makes us realize we're progressing.

I hope you're a little better than last time you posted.

Keep us on the news. Hang in there. Tell us how it works out. We're here to help you.

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Allysa
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I'm struggling abit with my feelings and not knowing what to do but yeah haven't really changed much, I'm actually sick atm so that doesn't help one's mood.

I will try my hardest to use those numbers that you have all been so kind enough to provide, I'm glad it made you feel better knowing I was making progress, means alot knowing ppl care.

Thanks cool

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Ally

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cool87
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We're here to help you Allysa. Whenever you need our support, just tell us. We can't be your only support but we certainly can be one of them.

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Allysa
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Yeah and knowing that really helps things and makes them easier, I'm starting to find it easier to talk about things now but yeah am still resisiting a bit to deal with it, I'm trying to get in contact with some of the ppl I used to work with up here and let them know the lastest, so hopefully I can start to deal with it maybe.

I'm still finding it difficult to go out in town for to long, I still feel unsafe even when my bf is there, he told me last night after we had wished one of our friends a happy birthday that he felt very protective of me when we were there, so yeah also knowing that I am proteced I guess helps too.

Oh did I tell you, hopefully we're moving soon which means getting away from the area where i've had most of my troubles, it may not be very far away from where we are now but a new area means a new start, so I'm excited about that if it goes ahead, I could use a change of scenery from here.

Anyway Thanks again for those numbers if nothing else they are there for when I really need them.

Mwah, U Guys R Great

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Ally

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cool87
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quote:
Oh did I tell you, hopefully we're moving soon which means getting away from the area where i've had most of my troubles,
That's amazing. This could help you somehow get over what has happened more easily. Does that mean you won't be around the guy anymore or is it just like really close from your last place ?

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Allysa
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I'm Not around that guy now, I was only around him because I met up with him at a nightclub, He lives like half an hour away, We're moving because we both need a change of scenery, both me and my bf so yeah.

I wish this would stop, I feel so helpless to these nightmares, It was a month last night since it happened and I had the worst nightmare yet, I woke up and just burst into tears and ended up taking panadol because I was so upset.

Why won't this get better, I keep asking my bf if it will because right now I feel lke it's getting worse because I have started cutting again and the nighmares happen at least once a night if not more, when will I be happy again, will I ever get passed this, I feel so dead inside and I don't want to.

When we move I've asked my bf to stay with me for the first few nights because being on my own will be a big shock, but the thing is because we're moving in with one of his friends also, I fear that he won't be around as much to help if I need it, therefore worrying me because I fear that if I get to the point where I did the other day I will end up cutting again.

How can I get better, I don't want to feel like this anymore, I have to keep telling my friends I'm to broke to go out on the town with them because one of our friends doesn't know the real reason, what am I going to tell them next time they ask me, I don't want my bestie to know because I feel she won't believe me because she had a thing with lane's best mate for a bit and yeah.

I can't keep doing this, it is getting so out of control, I can't handle the nightmares, I can't handle feeling like this, I can't handle trying to force myself not to cut, I want to so badly, I can't handle feeling so helpless.

How can I start to get passed this when I am forcing myself to shut it out and forget it because I know that right now I can't deal with it.

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Ally

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cool87
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Maybe this would be the time now you give a shot at those helplines. Allysa, try at least calling them. If you're not ready for counceling right now, at least you're gonna have some other help.

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Ecofem
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Allysa, I'm back and catching with your posts. I'm sorry to hear it's still so hard for you. You will work through this, you will be happy again; right now it's just getting through the day, which you are doing. I agree with cool87's suggestion to call one of the hotlines: do you want the numbers again?

As for telling your bestie, I think you could definitely use her support. I really think she could be another very important person to be able to reach out to. She is your best friend, so she cares about you. Has she said anything about noticing a change in your behavior lately? She may have had a thing with Lane's friend, but that doesn't mean she won't believe you. (She went out with his friend, not him, and they aren't even going out anymore.) I would tell her; if she doesn't belive you, then her company wouldn't be much of a loss (easier said than done, but it's true.)

I'd definitely talk to your bestie about this. And call a hotline when you're having a particularly difficult time (such as when you have the urge to cut.) How are you feeling about going to a counselor or a support group right now?

[ 08-05-2006, 09:46 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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Allysa
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I really like the idea of a support group for here but am unsure if there are any, I think I have inquired about it at Laurel house but the only support group was for children.

Still the whole telling my best friend, I don't think there would be much point even if she did believe me she wouldn't understand what I am going through, for instence, if she wanted to go out and I said no because of lane she would react in a way like who cares if you see him out you don't have to talk to him or anything, so yeah I just don't see the point.

I am still finding it difficult to talk about what has happened even picking up the phone and telling someone on the other end seems too much right now, I still feel like crap, I constantly feel un easy when out in public, I feel sick alot of the time, but lately I have been able to kinda cry, but not really, it's more of exhaustion from it all and where I just brake down and can't take the stress anymore, I am feeling more and more like I want to cut, I mean the feeling has always kinda been there but now I have again I can't stop wanting to, it's as if I can't control my mind, it's so hard to resist the site of a knife lately.

I ended up taking panadol last night because I was so distraught, it's incredible how I have changed because of all of this, I feel I have lost all control over my feelings, my bf is trying his hardest to be strong for me right now but I can tell it is very hard for him, I feel it would be easier to walk away from him than put him through this as well.

Those numbers again would be great, I know I have them somewhere on my other posts but I've done so many it would take forever, so thanks.

And really Thank you all for all of your support, I can not begin to describe how it has made me feel you've all been amazing.

Mwah.

Also because of what's happened I have discussed having tests done for STD's because I would rather be safe then sorry, my bf has agreed to do that with me also, not that I'm saying we have anything but yeah, from what I know of lane and his reputation for not keeping it in his pants, it wouldn't surprise me, but again I would rather find out now then later, but I'm almost 100% sure we're both ok.

Mwah again guys.

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Ally

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cool87
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Were you talking about those hotlines ? Because they are in this same thread.Here they are again if that's what you're looking for.

Online Kids Counseling Kids Free Help Line: 1-800-551-800 (I know this one says for Kids, but often they talk to teenagers too, so give them a shot.)

Advocate for Survivors of Child Abuse: 1.300.657 .80

Crisis Line, Information, Counselling :1.800.622.112 (they will be good to talk to if you're feeling like you have to cut, or if you feel like you want to die.)

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Allysa
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Oh LOL, Thankx cool87, I didn't even think to look in here I have other numbers on my other posts as well, LOL.

Thankx for that

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Ally

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Allysa
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I'm sitting here right now, listening to the same song over and over again, with my eyes closed hoping that when I open them I won't feel the same way I do now.

I just wish I didn't feel this way, I can't describe how I feel anymore, It just feels so empty here, My bf is out with friends and I just feel so alone, I feel so sick, I worry that someone could come in at any moment and rape me again, I feel so scared alone, my only escape is loud music, maybe if I have a song in my head, If someone comes I will just escape with that song and won't have to think about anything else.

Isn't that silly, I feel so stupid, the song isn't anything special just a song I like and I feel at ease with, something I can forget everything with and just close my eyes to and almost fall alseep, something that I can sing to or just relax with.

I know that when my bf comes home he's gonna scare me, everytime he comes home I jump when he comes in, half the time it's because I have the music up loud and it's just a shock when he's behind me, I dunno it's crazy, I just don't really feel anything at the moment, not relaxed, not angry, not sad, nothing, just here.

I dunno it's weird I guess, I'm so used to feeling something and it's kinda un familiar territory to just be blank I guess would be the easiest way to describe it.

Anyway doesn't matter, I'm sure I'll get over it.

Later

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Ally

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cool87
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quote:
I'm sure I'll get over it
You go, Allysa ! Self-esteem power. It's so great to hear you say that. :) I myself didn't doubt one moment you wouldn't be to go through that. Now it's great to see I'm the only one thinking that, it's great to see you're starting yourself to realize that also. You've improved a lot since Allysa, do you know that ?

I know how hard it can be for you. Every one who went through the same thing as you did knows that. It's a long and hard process to go through. You take small steps, each steps brings you closer to overcoming what you went through. You'll get to a point where it will be a lot easier to deal with what you went through, you'll get to a point where you'll have your life back. Each day you're getting a little closer.But there can be days where you think it is not the case, days when you think this is quite the contrary.

But just know that having bad days doesn't mean you're not improving. Think about that. It's like making mistakes. it's a chance to learn. One step back doesn't mean you won't get to where you want to go.

It's normal to feel empty and cautious after you want through. Being cautious is a way for your body to protect you from having the same thing about to you again ( although I know most of the time you can't prevent that from happening to you). It's your instincts telling you something.

Look all your doors when you're alone so this might make you a little more secure, hey ? And ask your boyfriend to prevent you when he arrives home in order to not scare you and make you think this is a stranger entering your house.

It is not stupid at all listening to the same over again. I do that also when I don't feel right. There are just songs sometimes that help us. Songs that others can find meaningful but for us has a meaning.

Have you tried, hon, giving a try at calling those hotlines ?

Take care of yourself and let us now how it works, right ?

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Allysa
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Not yet, lol I'm still putting it off, because i'm so used to dealing with this kinda stuff on my own I force myself to do that so yeah, I'm getting there though, it's hard but yeah, Even if my bf did give me some warning he was coming home it's doesn't matter, he will still end up scaring me, even hearing the front door unlock terrifies me.

I'm still having trouble coming to terms with what has happened, the nightmares are still happening every night, I think next week will be a huge deal for me actually having to tell the councellor, but my bf will be there with me when I go because I asked if he could cause there is no way I can do this by myself at the moment.

I still feel sick all the time when i'm outside and around large groups of ppl, I still expect lane to come up behind me or something, I can't stand my bf coming up behind me because it scares the hell out of me, but he's slowly learning to like give me some warning he's behind me but even then it still scares me sometimes.

I still don't feel myself, I still feel like apart of me is missing, I find myself sometimes just staring off into space really and not really noticing what's around me and then when I snap out of it I get a lil panicky, cause I feel strange, I dunno, it's hard to explain it.

But yeah should be a huge test for me next week, I still feel a lil uneasy bout it now, It's going to really show me if I am dealing with it you know, we'll see ay.

Thankx

[ 08-09-2006, 06:05 PM: Message edited by: Allysa ]

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Ally

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cool87
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quote:
but my bf will be there with me when I go because I asked if he could cause there is no way I can do this by myself at the moment
It's normal to feel that way. Nothing says you can't bring another person with you for counceling. If you feel more comfortable that way, then do so. In fact, I tought it was a pretty good idea for you to bring your boyfriend. He will be able to support you through that.

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Allysa
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Yeah that's why I asked, because I sometimes find it hard on how to word things properly and he kinda seems to jump in and save me when I freeze up so yeah, I know that If i brake down or something he can keep going for me so yeah, I know he'll be great for me there, It'll be good to have him there holding my hand through this, He's been amazing.

I dunno what I'd do without my baby,lol, He's been a godsend through out this whole process and I know no matter what he will be there for me, so it's good and it kinda helps me deal with it ( even though I still find it hard) knowing that he is there, ohhh and you guys as well.

Hugs for you all, Mwah

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Ally

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Allysa
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What is wrong with me, I feel so weird, I feel like i'm drugegd or something, I feel really dizzy and disorientated, I dunno I just feel really weird, I feel really tired, I feel anxious, what's going on with me.

I am so worried about next week I still don't think I'm ready for it, I can barely talk about what happened now, let alone starting from the begginning again, OHH my heads is throbbing, what is going on with me, why do I feel like this, why won't it get better.

I can't be happy or sad it's crazy how this is affecting me, why can't I be normal, I can't do this, I can't it's too hard, I can't take it anymore, I just don't feel anything, I still can't bring myself to call the hotlines either, why can't I do it, why is it so hard for me.

Why is this happening again, I can't keep doing this it's too hard, I've had enough, my head is spinning my eyes are so heavy but I can't sleep, I see him when I close my eyes he is hauting me in my sleep, I can't keep doing this, I can't keep facing him, I feel so dizzy, I feel so weak, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE, I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE PLEASE.

I'm so tired and exhausted why is this happening, please just tell me why, my bf and I are going to devonport this weekend cause it's his grandad's funeral, how can I go when I am like this, I didn't know his grandad very well, what if I start crying, everyone there will be like why are you crying you didn't even know him, aww i'm going crazy I need panadol, I need it to go away, I can't do this, I am no use to anyone like this, AWW MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE.

It's so hard to breath, it takes so much energy away from me just to breath, what is going on, what's wrong with me, please someone help, please. make it stop, I can't take it anymore, please.

Why is this happening again, no more please, just leave me alone please, I want this to stop, please, please I beg you make it stop, please.

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Ally

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nixieGurl
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Im here Allysa, If you need to talk I am right here for a while. Its ok you are not alone.

Nixie

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Allysa
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Sorry double post. [Roll Eyes]

[ 08-10-2006, 06:18 AM: Message edited by: Allysa ]

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Ally

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Allysa
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I don't I must be going crazy, what is going on with me, please just someone help me please

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Ally

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Allysa
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Please just make it stop, please I am so stressed out, why is this happening, what is going on please, why do I feel like this, I seriously feel like I am going mad, what is happening please, just someone help me, why do I feel like this, what's happening to me.

[ 08-10-2006, 06:28 AM: Message edited by: Allysa ]

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Ally

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nixieGurl
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Hey Allysa,

Hang in there ok? I understand. I know the feeling of wishing that someone could just reach inside and take all of the hurt away and all of the memories and confusing things you are feeling, I really really do. You are not alone in this, you are not going crazy, and what you are feeling is not your fault and you dont need to try to make sense of all of it right now.

Right now, try to think of something that makes you feel calmer ok? If posting here helps (as it does for me) then that is a good start. This bad patch will end, and you will be ok. Just know that there are people who understand, and care for you. Hang in there ok? We are here for you.

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Allysa
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But I have never felt like this before, I feel so strange, I mean I keep pacing and keep rubbing my hands together, I honestly feel crazy, what is going on, how can this be normal, I cried for like 30 seconds just because I didn't know what the hell was going on, my eyes hurt, I feel so tired but I sleep in most days, what the hell is going on with me Nixie, why is this happening.

How can the bad times end, I have had nothing but bad times the past month since it happened, he has taken everything from me and me being like this he is taking even more, my sanity, I seriously feel like I am breaking down, everything is so crazy.

Please help me, why is this happening, I don't understand any of it, please just help me.

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Ally

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nixieGurl
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Dont try to understand it all now hun, you wont. I dont understand why I feel that way too, but you know what? Sometimes we keep it in and keep it and pretend to be ok for so long, that it makes sense that eventually we have a night like tonight where we feel so completely out of control of it. I guess our heads are trying to tell us that it is their turn to get some of the hurt out. And I know, I really really do that it feels so awful at the time. I know the feelings you are having. But they do go away, and when they do they take a little bit of that built up hurt away with them.

I know you write amazing poetry, how about writing some to keep your hands busy, it doesnt have to be about your feelings, in fact (i paint alot) when I am feeing what you are I often will paint something calming like the sea which soothes me.

One big thing I always tell myself when I feel like that is something that I have taken from many replies to my posts on this board, and that is that it is ok to feel like this. It is ok to break down and be so scared and it is ok to not feel in control. And that is the feelig that is scary (at least for me) because when I was abused, I felt so not in control of myself, of my life. But you really are in control. I found that out this week with reporting (as hard as that was and still is, but I did it). So as scary as this all is right now, let yourself get some of those feelings out in a healthy way. You are NOT alone in this, I truely understand and I am here for you. You WILL get through this, as eventually I will. We can both do it together.

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