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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » my boyfriend has gay fantasies

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Author Topic: my boyfriend has gay fantasies
Member # 29686

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Hello everyone. I was wondering if I could ask for some help, because I am a little bit worried.

My boyfriend and I (I am a girl)were talking and it came up that he had some thoughts about being bisexual, but he was adamant that they were just fantasies, and he says many guys have them, they just won't admit it due to thinking its not manly.

I just am confused if this means he doesn't want me, and I am also feeling jealous.

I didn't know who to talk to, because if he is gay or bi, I am there for him, but I don't want to pressure him into coming out before he is ready.

also, do these fantasies mean anything? does a fantasy have any meaning in life?

I'm scared since I love him so much, and finding out he doesn't want me would rip me apart.

I'm very sorry if this is the wrong place to put this, I'm new to this board.

thank you for any help.


Posts: 1 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 25983

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Welcome to Scarleteen, sweetmollygirl.

Your reaction to this is entirely natural; it often takes people aback to discover things about their partner that have never come up.

Have you talked to your boyfriend? Told him how you feel jealous, and doubting his attraction to you? That would be the best way to get a good idea of how this will affect the two of you.

Bear in mind, however, that fantasies are often VERY different from things we would actually do in real life. Some people fantasize lavishly about certain sexual acts although they don't really find them fun or pleasureable with an actual partner. The same can go for attractions to people of the opposite sex.

For the record, I also have a male partner with bisexual fantasies, and it has never affected his attraction to me.

[ 07-04-2006, 12:17 AM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 22512

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Hello [Smile]
I understand your problem, I had the same with my boyfriend. My reaction was the same as yours (except a lot more explosive...that's my nature unfortunately) and I think it's perfectly natural to feel jealous and/or unwanted. I think this is simply because the idea of a boyfriend 'wanting' another male is an idea of a desire we cannot fulfil. I assumed this to be the end- how could I possibly follow him down a path I physically was not equipped to walk?
After months of worrying and talking, I came to a pretty good conclusion.

1. His emotions were no different to mine, in the sense that although I had been curious before about girls (I still consider myself 'straight' and I've never met a single girl who hasn't at one point in her life been curious about other girls) this had not affected my feelings for my boyfriend or my desire to be with him. Weighing up my feelings with his made me realise the pointlessness of my worrying.

2. I made him promise to be honest with me. I made it clear that I would support him no matter what happened, but that as I would never want to 'force' him into a relationship with someone he was no longer attracted to, he owed it to me to tell me the truth about his feelings. He did promise me this, and from here it is my responsibility to trust him.

I hope this can help you...this issue tortured me for a good few months, but it will have been worth it if I can help someone out!
I think the best idea for you is to be mature about the issue, and clear your head of all fears and think rationally. The problem (if you even want to call it that!) in itself is probably a lot smaller than it seems.


Posts: 4 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hopeless romantic
Member # 29805

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Im a guy and to be honest, gay fantasys are common. The fact that he is telling you means that he trusts you alot. Dont worry about it, he probally wont ever act on them. Him telling you that dosent mean he doesnt want you, it means he loves you.
Posts: 5 | From: PA | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29893

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What signs did you look for when you expected your boyfriend was gay. You see, loads of our mutual friends have decided that my boyfriend is gay and he doesn't deny it all that often. They have also started saying that i am being used as cover. I now not only feel unwanted but i feel that everyone thinks i am being used and nieve. What should i do?
Posts: 1 | From: East | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29940

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I just found my fiance's e-mail soliciting a male to give him a blow job. I confonted him and he freaked out. He says he doesn't know why he did it. He says maybe he was f-ed up and horny, he doesn't know. He says he would absolutely never act on it. I don't want to marry a gay guy. He says he is 100% not gay and loves me and is attracted to me and this will never happend again. He and I are both very upset. He is soo upset that I won't believe him and will think he is gay forever. What should I do? Should I believe him? I can't stop crying. I am not jealous at all. I am shocked and concerned these urges might happen again. Do straight guys reall have gay fantasies. He has absolutely no gay tenedncies (before I fond this). Please Help !
Posts: 2 | From: New York | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 11569

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Would you still feel freaked out and unhappy if you found an email soliciting a blow job from another woman? If so, then this is less an issue of whether he is gay or not, and more of a trust issue. Fantasies are one thing; as Miss Lauren stated above, many people fantasize about things they would never act on. If he is acting on a fantasy, then it crosses the line where it becomes something for you to deal with as a couple.

Is this cheating to you, or otherwise a breach of trust? If so, is that a deal-breaker for your relationship? It's not an easy question to answer, and I would encourage you to consider this as something that can be viewed as a fidelity/safety issue, rather than a 'gay tendency'.

Unlucky at cards; lucky at love.

Posts: 1679 | From: London, ON | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29940

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If it was a girl maybe he would really do it. Maybe he wasn't cheating just curious. I don't know. I am so shocked and don't know what to think. I thought before he was borderline homophoebic. This past weekend we got massages and he wouldn't even get one unless a girl was doing it. I am so confused. Do other guys do this?
Posts: 2 | From: New York | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 25983

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You know, it's not uncommon for men to ACT excessively "masculine" to cover whatever insecurities about their orientation they may have.

wobblyheadedjane gave you some very good advice. It depends on what you view as cheating. Keep in mind that it really doesn't matter the sex of the person on the other side of the screen; if it was just fantasizing, the gender of the other person gives no weight either way to the situation.

He said he would never act on it, and that it was just a fantasy. It's normal for anybody to have many types of fantasies; some of which may even be illegal to act out. Whether or not you choose to believe him is up to you.

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29269

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Happyhippy, I think what you should do is have a serious talk with your boyfriend. You have to make it clear that if he has decided that he's gay, it's unfair on both of you for him to continue your relationship - that is you would have to go back to just friends.
On the other hand, are these 'mutual friends' very close friends? How old are they (are they being immature and throwing the word 'gay' around as some kind of insult?) I used to be called 'gay' a lot (I'm not for the record, although if it was that wouldn't be a problem). It got to a point where I just wouldn't bother to deny it, so maybe that's why your boyfriend doesn't deny it.
But honestly, just have a serious chat with him. Remember, your friends can't be the people to run your relationship.

In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I dont know what I am. I dont know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 20185

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My boyfriend has gay fantasies too, by the truckload -he told me about them as it was something *he* was worried about and had told no-one about -and he was immensely relieved when my reaction was something on the lines of "I guess a lot of people do. So?"

If he was soliciting a blowjob from someone behind my back, the gender of the other person would be pretty irrelevant -bi or bi-curious people can be faithful just fine; assuming they can't would be like assuming that someone who likes both brunettes and blondes can't be faithful to one or the other. Or assuming that because they have once fantasized about a blonde they won't be faithful to their brunette just the same.

It's nice that the BF appreciates boys, really, we have amusing discussions about cute males, and I like the feeling it's something he feels okay about, and not anxious. I think it's brought us closer, really -at least he's shown zero interest in having a boyfriend instead of me =).

I don't get even, I get odder

Posts: 57 | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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