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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Fear of older men...

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Author Topic: Fear of older men...
Monotonous
Activist
Member # 29530

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I started this topic because I'm curious as to whether anyone else has developed a slight fear or apprehensiveness to other men after being raped or molested. Being a person who abhors sexism or discrimination, this really bothers me in my day-to-day life. I try to tell myself that not every man is like this but I feel wary of all older men anyway. Does anyone else feel like this? Do you have any advice as to how to get over it?

When I was a toddler, I used to stay with my mother (my mother and father were separated). She was not a good mother, to say the least, and had drug problems and would have sex with me right outside the room. Thankfully, my father gained custody of me soon after I turned three years old.

During one of my visits (or maybe I was living there) with my mother when I was really young my mother left me at the house with her friend to babysit me. He raped me on her couch and made me touch him after she left. After this, as a toddler I had a strange interest in sexuality. I used to play "house" with other little girls that were my mother's friends' daughters (where one of us would be the daddy, one would be the mommmy... you get the picture) and one little boy and I laid on top of each other naked on a bed. That's what we thought sex was. I must have blocked out the older man at some point, because I didn't fully remember it under years later. I remember vaguely something happening, but it took years to actually remember. This is strange, and I'm positive it happened, but when I told my grandmother (I live with her and my father) she just told me straight up that I wasn't raped and wouldn't talk to me about it after that.

Now, also throughout my life my step grandfather has made me very uncomfortable. He stares at me in ways that really disturbs me, but he also drinks a lot. I don't know if I'm imagining this or if I'm making it up because of what happened. I tried talking to my grandmother about it but couldn't bare to tell her that he made me uncomfortable as if he would touch me. She told me that she doesn't understand why he would make me uncomfortable and seemed actually angry that I would bring it up. He just does things that make me not want to be around him, like he'll stand and stare at me through the mirror in another room and I won't notice until I turn around and look at it. The first time I went swimming after my big growth spurt in my new bathing suit, as I got out of the car he looked straight at my chest and started singing a song that went like, "You're not a kiiiid anymore...." and I just think it's damn weird.

Whenever I meet older (middle-aged) men, I feel instantly uncomfortable even when they don't do anything, and I automatically assume every man that age is a hebephiliac. While one part of me says it's perfectly normal to be attracted to younger people another part screams that it's wrong and it's sick and wrong wrong wrong.

This has caused me a lot of distress, and any advice or people with similar stories would help tremendously!

Posts: 59 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Have you ever tried to seek out counseling for what happened to you? Getting a perspective from an impartial party might be a very good idea for you, and also just being able to talk about it is always a huge help. So I suggest you look into that.

And also, I think that being weary of people who remind you of an abuser is a pretty natural thing to happen. I know it happens to me on occasion. Since I know that it's not anything about the person specifically, but rather about something they remind me of, I try not to let it influence how I deal with them. So mostly I've been able to deal with it.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Monotonous
Activist
Member # 29530

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I have had counseling, but most of the sessions consisted of relieving my symptoms of OCD, which could be connected to my fear or "obsession", I guess, of older men being perverts. It was mostly her trying to convince me into taking medication but I refuse to because I don't think they are necessary and I can do it myself, with a little help from others.

I'm glad you're able to deal with that. I'm sorry you had to experience abuse in your life... it's almost incredible how many people have been abused.

Thank you for your help!

Posts: 59 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
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Member # 29292

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It's really normal that you acting this way since you have been raped. Raped people often develop fear in other people. It's hard telling you that an older men is not always a raper when one of the one you've known just happened to be one.

Your mind is presently trying to protect you from anything like this to happen again.

You remember your rape each time you see older men, at least your mind remembers it even if no pictures pops out in your mind. That's why you feel scared.

You'll eventually get through it but it takes time. Counseling might do something but it doesn't make your fear disappear. YOU have to make it disappear. People are only here to help you through that, to help you make it happen.

I guess that by time, you'll eventually build relationships and gain more trust in boys and,this way, it would help you realize that not all boys are rapers and you will eventually gain more trust in older boys.

I guess it's more a matter or gaining trust over time than of someone telling you over and over that not all people are rapers.

Also, try to remind yourself in your mind that the rape is a past thing. That not all older men are like that and that because you were raped once, doesn't mean it'll happen again. Also, you can try telling you that you'll get through it, it is just a matter of time. Try staying positive.

When you repeat something over and over to yourself, you actually come to believe it sometimes.

Again, you can try taking more counseling session maybe with another counseler but I think the best you can do is what I just told you.

P.S. If it can make you a little less sad, I happen to know people who have just this same fear as you sometimes and they have never been raped before. You have a right to be afraid of older men sometimes in occasion when you are alone, that's healthy. The thing is it is just not healthy to be obsessed about that each time you meat an older men.


Good luck !

[ 06-30-2006, 06:13 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
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Member # 29292

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We happen to have some threads talking about rapes here.I don't know if you've looked them up but sometimes it just help to know that you are not alone in this.

Here's some :

http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=9;t=000993

http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum9/HTML/000006.html

http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=9;t=000644

http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=9;t=000980

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wobblyheadedjane
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 11569

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Also, have you thought about seeking an outlet that might help you regain some power for yourself? Feeling fearful everytime you meet older men, as well as being a possible symptom of your OCD, could be because you feel powerless or helpless as a teenage girl. A self-defense course, like kickboxing or jiujitsu might help you to regain some power. Having the knowledge of self-defense can do a lot to boost your self-confidence and sense of power, as Miz Scarlet can attest to.

Similarly, though your therapist to date has focused on your obsessive tendancies, it's okay for you to speak up at the beginning of your next session, and ask to discuss something specific. These sessions are meant to benefit you, after all, so steering the conversation where you want it to go is perfectly okay.

All the best to you! We have many sexual assault survivors on this board here, so feel free to join the other conversations that cool87 linked you as well. Good luck!

Posts: 1679 | From: London, ON | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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