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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » bully victims/survivors

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Author Topic: bully victims/survivors
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i couldn't find another thread about this so i decided to start one.

i was always kind of a weird kid, but i moved to a different school when i was 10, then i came out as a lesbian when i was 11. i told my "best friend" and she got so freaked out that she told a bunch of people. then everyone knew and no one really accepted it. it was a small town and most of the kids had lived there their whole lives. so, rumors started, my locker got constantly vandelized, i was pushed around in the hallways, i was not safe.

the rumors got to the guidance counselor, and she called my mom and told her without even talking to me first. i'm really lucky because i have a very supportive family, but if i didn't i could have been kicked out of my house and probably dead or wrapped up in a world of drugs and prostitution by now. but thankfully my mom was ok with it and tried to make things better at school, but it was so bad that alot of the teachers let things happen to me because they were homophobic too.

things escalated in 7th gradethe bullying got alot worse and most of the teachers were in on it. the principal didn't really do anything but say, "if you don't want people to bother you, then stop telling them that you're gay." the administration treated me like a problem. my mom tried to make things better for me, she was basically a one-woman crusade, but we just couldn't beat it. we decided to move to a small city in massachusetts that was much more open and accepting.

i'm now 18, i graduated from high school a year ago. it was so hard for me to do well in school after that experience. i'm very smart, but i would get c's and b's when i wasn't slacking off because i couldn't focus and struggled with depression. i had lots of self esteem and body image issues because my harassers had made me feel worthless at a very vulnerable time in my developement. at my new school i had trouble making friends because i was scared that someone was going to be mean to me if they found out anything about me. i came out in 9th grade and everyone was ok with it. i started to make some friends.

it really took all of high school to recover from being bullied. the night of my graduation i was so proud. a lot of my friends were playing it cool and pretended they didn't really care, like it was easy to graduate. but i knew how close i had come to not making it. and how strong i had to be to get through all of the obsticles i had faced.

for a long time i considered myself a victim, i felt powerless to come to terms with my past. but now i've graduated high school, i don't hate myself anymore. no, this isn't happily ever after, its better than that. i can now coexist with my past and be happy and strong and productive. and thats why i can call myself a survivor. because i got through it and i'm more than ok. i'm happy!

so. thats my story. i thought this thread would be a good idea because often bully victims feel very alone with their experiances, but if we start a discussion about it we can band together and see thaqt this is something that will pass. and maybe we can try and figure out how to stop bullying for good.

[ 06-24-2006, 11:18 PM: Message edited by: joyfulgirl ]

"they say you can bear anythng if you can tell a story about it."

-sue monk kidd
the mermaid chair

Posts: 50 | From: western massachusetts | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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What a lovely thread idea, joyfulgirl! Your experience is inspiring, and I'm happy to see that you pulled through it to do so well. Good for you!

I can't remember a time in my childhood when I wasn't ashamed of my body and bullied. I was unpopular and really quiet in elementary school due to abuse at home, and would sit on the concrete in the shade to watch the kids play. At 7, I hit puberty, and had boobs before all the other kids.

By grade 3, I had cystic acne all over my face, and the whole school thought I was diseased and wouldn't come near me. This continued through 5th grade, my final year in elementary school, though I managed to befriend a few nice girls.

Middle school was when everything went to hell. I was seperated from the few friends I had and thrust into the pseudo-adolescent world where everybody has to be somebody. I was the little dork with pixie cut hair, horrid acne, glasses, and a rolling backpack. I never went a day without somebody screaming "ACNE!" in my ear, or having trash thrown at me. Worse, I rode the bus to and from school, where I happened to be the only white girl on the bus. I never knew that racism could strike everybody before then.

When I wasn't crying after school, I was playing video games trying to forget my misery. I never even tried at school. Seeing me failing, my counselor would only demand to know why I was so lazy, and ask what she had to do to "light a fire under my butt". I would have failed middle school, but due to an overcrowding issue, 1/2 of the failing class was passed anyway to high school. She never believed my stories of abuse, assuming that any intelligent-speaking girl with glasses was capable of success regardless.

High school went the same. I continued to be tortured by the people around me who seemed so happy, especially by those who seemed more than content to rub my lonliness in my face. I was kicked out of school one fateful day.

I came back from being sick for a week to find that my English teacher had arranged the seating chart in such a way that the preppiest, meanest cheerleader was sitting directly behind me. I took my seat and she immediately started hassling me, asking what I did to my hair to make it look so greasy. She proceeded, as the lecture went on, to literally pluck strands out of my head, and I told her to stop 4 times (followed, of course, by sneering comments and giggling from her friends) before I got up and pummelled her in pure defensive rage.

The principal and dean were on my side, but the parents threatened legal action if the horrid girl who broke their angel's nose wasn't dealt with. I was sent to an alternative school on the independant study program, and treated like a delinquent. I remained there until dropping out last fall.

But, this time alone has given me time to rebuild my body image and sense of self, and given me the confidence to try to get back out and show society just what dorks grow up to be. I'm going to be taking the GED exam shortly, and then ponder my options for college. But I DEFINATELY know I AM going, no matter what.

Thanks for letting me share, and I'd love to read more stories.

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Wow miss Lauren, thats a really sad and inspiring story. you never gave up!

I have been bullied on and off ever since I got to year 7. People thought because I knew all my grammar and I was well spoken that it was a chance to call me posh, they assumed I lived in a house e.t.c when actually I lived in a council flat and I wasn't posh at all. This continued for year 7 and 8.

In year 9 two girls started calling me "bowlcut bowly" even though I didnt have a bowlcut and I had long straight brown hair... I never understood that. I went to teachers and they helped me overcome it and it was alright until a girl who started the bowly fiasco told me she hated me. I told her I hated her back because I was so angry and she told me to say it again, I said I hate you because you said you hated me!

And with that she proceeded to punch me in the face. I think I got told off for being punched because I told her I hated her.....

Now, I wouldnt call it bullying, but there is a rumour going around that I am gay. I was told this last night, I denied it outright even though I am Gay. Its made me really paranoid as I think people are talking about me now.

Im even paranoid that someone is going to read this post, know who I am, and tell everyone about my issues.

But thankfully all the really nasty people have been sent out of the school now so I can just get on with it.

x x

Posts: 91 | From: uk | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Thanks, helpimconfuzzled. Always nice to hear [Smile] .

People thought because I knew all my grammar and I was well spoken that it was a chance to call me posh, they assumed I lived in a house e.t.c when actually I lived in a council flat and I wasn't posh at all.
Yes. Oh, yes. I know how that is. Not only was I a rich white girl living in a mansion with supremely caring parents, I also had an A+ in every class!

Amazing how very cruel girls can be. I had a few problems with boys, but they were short-lived. But girls will come up with the most scarring words to say sometimes. I'm glad you had teachers you could trust to help you deal with it.

As to your current situation, if your being gay comes up, dealing with it depends on whether you want everybody to know or not. Since it seems you don't want it to get out, a good response would be "No.. why do you ask?" or something similar.

High school can suck a lot at times, but I always found it best to remember that not only would it not last forever, but that what goes around comes around. It's been proven at many a reunion. [Smile]

Good luck!

[ 06-29-2006, 12:52 AM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]

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Thanks, I was also a a+ pupil for a long time. I was always known as boffin (another wonderful nickname)

I don't mind anybody knowing, but its the fact that I go to an all girls school, and Im afraid ill get taunted and bullied (gay-bashed if you will)and you know how sometimes girls think that Lesbians "have to be in love with one of us because were so wonderful"

The funny thing is, I personally dont find anybody in that school attractive, maybe a few close friends but thats all. I dislike everyone else at my school apart from my sister (in year 7 now as im in year 10) and my friends.

Im a very weak person so stuff like this can make me very upset, and like I said paranoid.

Thanks, Miss Lauren x x

[ 06-29-2006, 01:09 AM: Message edited by: helpimconfuzzled ]

Posts: 91 | From: uk | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Oh, yes! Bullying sucks so darn much.

joyfulgirl, I know exactly what you mean because I came out as being bisexual in the beginning of 8th grade. Of course it spread throughout the whole school and people assume because you're bi that means you like everyone. And girls would say nasty things like "Don't touch me, you LESBIAN!" and people thought it was hysterical.

Miss Lauren, I congratulate you for sharing your story (and pummeling that girl). Unfortunately, it causes some problems in school when you're just a little different. People just don't stop if you ask them nicely, and me ignoring bullying has turned into violent outbursts after dealing with it for a while. I have a history of being made fun of, because I was overweight in elementary school. Some people would tell me to shut up and call me a fat pig if I talked to them, and I would go home and my dad would make comments about my weight. As I got older, I grew into myself but still had issues with my self image. I was anorexic/bulemic for a while and lost about 20 lbs, but I was so unhealthy. I was losing hair and hearing a ringing in my left ear consistently. After getting with my current boyfriend I've had much better self esteem, though, and it's great to have someone so supportive to tell you that you are beautiful the way you are.

I get made fun of in school for my clothing choice, mostly, because it doesn't necessarily fit into a category. You see, it's alright if you're a goth and hang out with goth kids, or a scene kid and hang out with scene kids, but if your clothes don't match other people in your school then you're a freak. My partner and I are also very androgynous and get made fun of that, because he's more feminine than most males and I'm more masculine than most females. People don't say anything when he's around (He's 6'4" and quite intimidating) but when I'm alone people say stuff. One time, I was waiting for my partner to get out of his after-school class one day, and my stomach hurt terribly so I laid down on the floor, using my backpack as I pillow. As this group of guys passed, they threw their chewed gum at me. Normally I would have reacted violently but the pain in my stomach was so bad and I was so tired that I just stayed there and cried after they left.

One day I was walking through the hallway on the 3rd floor of my school, and there were guys behind me making snide remarks about my boots, y'know, typical stuff like "Oh! I didn't know it was Halloween!" and the like. At first it didn't bother me, I didn't want to stoop down to their level. I just ignored it. It continued down to the 2nd floor, and I was starting to get annoyed. It kept going to the 1st floor and some of them left but the ones that were there were still saying things. At this point I just exploded and turned around and focused on the first one I saw. I asked him, "WHAT THE F*** IS YOUR PROBLEM?!" He stuttered out, "N-nothing! I didn't do anything! It wasn't me!" And then proceeded to make an attempt at running past me. I grabbed him by the hood of his sweatshirt and slammed him against a locker and told him, "Look, if you're going to say stuff about me you say it to my face. Got it?!" Silence. "GOT IT?!" "YES!" and then he ran away from me. I followed him into his next class, which just so happened to be my boyfriend's as well. I asked him to kindly take care of the butthole that's been bothering me. He turned and started to yell at the boy and I left. The kid averts his eyes whenever he sees me now.

I wish it wasn't necessary to use physical force to get through to people. [Frown] *sigh*

BTW! You're all beautiful the way you are!!

Posts: 59 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Confession time.

Well, I've had a fair share of bullying in my life myself too. But that's not a huge deal though. I don't even know if I can call that bullying.

It was in high school because of my grades. I always had really high grades in every classes. I am just someone who always loved school and I'm a perfectionism so I often did more than what was asked. And, of course, the grades go with that.

Some people started to say bad things about me because of my marks. They said I was always studying which wasn't true. That it was the reason why I was always getting the higher marks. I just can't help the fact that I can learn fast. And that I love learning. And, in a lot of classes, where all the persons were working hard not to fail test, studying so much, I was the one getting the higher mark without even studying.

Because of that, I had for some time, low self-esteem problems. Those remarks they were making on me were really getting to my head. Of course, I had my friends to support me but I had also had most of the people of my school against me. I just hated the competition in high school. There's so much competition and I am a really competitive person but not in a bad way. I wouldn't call someone a name because they would have higher marks than me.

You know, there are always people who are jealous and they say things to you just to bring themself higher than you. I can't help that. Often those people have low-self esteem issues themselves. So that's why they bring you down. That's a way for them to make themself feel more confident about them. And sometimes it works but that is for sure not the best way to boost their self-esteem.

Every person have received negative comments at least once in his or her life. It's completly normal. Even celebrities does. So that make me feel better to know that I was not the only one receiving negative comments from jealous people.

Over the years, it definitly got better. When I was finish high school, I got in pure sciences (chemistry, physics, biology, toxicomany), so there was more people there like me.

Now, I think that what I had to deal through really help me. You know when some people say that obstacles make you stronger, well that's true in that case. I have less problems right now with my self esteem. And that help me to deal with other people's judgements and opinions about me. There was a time that I was really caring for them, right now I couldn't care less about how people perceive me. Okay, I've still got a little bit of a problem here but it's getting better. [Wink]

Anyway, I am someone who really think that everything happens for a reason and that you can learn from every mistakes you make. So now I see that bullying I went through as a chance to learn more. Maybe I wouldn't be as strong as I am now if I wouldn't have been through that. You got to sort out the positive out of a situation.

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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It makes me so angry to hear about the horrible things some people put others through!!!!

I will always lead my own personal crusade against bullying and harassment. It is never okay.

On June ninth of this year, I graduated from a small, private high school I attended for all four years 9-12 and it was the happiest day of my life. At times I thought I would never make it through that experience~ That I would commit suicide before reaching graduation day. Living through HS was one of my life goals. I couldn't leave, despite my perpetual hatred for the place and the cruel people it bred, because my parents wouldn't let me. It made absolutely no sense that my parents chose to PAY for my misery. Whatever makes them happy.

Thanks to my time spent at this HS, I suffered immense pain for many years. I live an hour away from this school, so while everyone else knew each other and got together nightly, I was out of the loop and never saw anyone from school on nights or weekends. This, I'm sure, made me more vulnerable to attack. I also entered the school very depressed, as I have a very difficult home life and family situation, and was undergoing intense treatment for a medical problem I have.

Almost every kid at my school had had everthing served to them on a shining silver platter, and this is what they expected. They had never suffered and were somehow born without empathy.

I was bullied by some kids in my grade who I had originally started off being friends with. I'm a very strong, social, outgoing person, however the abuse they showered upon me shut me up pretty quickly. I shut myself off to a lot of people at school... Never did I feel safe, happy, or respected there.

The cruel treatment I recieved was on my mind ALL of the time. I became COMPLETELY paranoid, and HATED myself. Now, as I work to achieve a very stable sense of self and a very deep hapiness, I realize just how much I hated myself. The way these kids backstabbed, rejected, trashed and taunted me made me feel as if no one would ever like me. I didn't feel strong enough to stand up to all of that. I didn't figure I was worth liking, anyways, whether by my self or anyone else. With effort, I recognized some positive figures and things in my life, and came ot the conclusion that I wasn't worth their presence, either. I think I tried to extricate myself of anything I could possibly have left to live for that could concievably betray me. I was traumatized from being betrayed at school. For years, I lived in a very dark, dark place in my mind. I never wanted it to be that way. If I could take back those years, I would.

Since school ended, I have been able to fully become the kind, confident, strong person I have always wanted to be. Living in an abusive environment makes it impossible for victims to live as they desire. I've had to coach myself through a lot, emotionally, in order to come to terms with what I endured, why it happened, the effect it had on me, and how to deal.

While I believe I have emerged as being more capable of dealing with bullying/harassment before it became a problem for me, I know that everyone is vulnerable. It is a reality that people react to the way they are treated by others. You can make someone feel like a million dollars or the dirt beneath your shoe just by the way you treat them. So as strong or informed or prepared as I feel in this moment, I know that if I were to encounter such cruelty again, it would still hurt. I wish people could just be nice... There is this little thing called respect which people as a whole would benefit from embracing.

To cap off my senior year in high school, I actually did an entirely indepedent project (it wasn't for a class or anything, just something I wanted to do) regarding bullying. Drawing together information collected from research I did, knowledge of other people's stories, and my own experience, I created a presentation to promote awareness of bullying and shared it with two groups of middle schoolers. It was recieved very well by both crowds, and every student was very receptive. My presentation really packed a punch, I feel, because I have a lot of fire behind the topic.

I hope to return someday to that place... My dreaded high school... As a take-charge young woman and possibly do more social work there regarding bullying. That is the only reason I would return to that place: To try to make it better. Bullying is a reality, but it often goes unaddressed~ Especially among the highly priveledged, out of a combination of blissful naivity and deep-seated egocentricism.

I wish you all the best in tackling bullying in whatever form it appears in your life. As I mentioned previously.... Bullying and harassment are never, ever acceptable. I will never understand how people can honestly be so cruel, but I know that I will always do my best to treat people kindly and encourage others to do the same.

I'm sorry for the ways in which all of you have been victimized, and I hope you have, or are in the process of, coming to terms with what you endured. Just remember that you're all beautiful people and didn't deserve to be treated poorly in the first place.

Stay strong, everyone! :-)

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When I was in elementary school I had lots of friends and was always well-liked. When I was 10 my family and I moved to Rome, and I had a very hard time adjusting. The boys at my new school were very very fond of me. More fond of me than I would have preferred. Because of this attention, all of the girls were jealous of me and were very mean. I would pretend to be sick so I wouldn't have to go to school. One girl, Giovanna, was especially horrible to me. She stole my money, vandalized my locker, and spread horrible rumors about me. Things unfortunatly stayed this way for a few years, but when a few more new girls came, the boys obsessed over them instead. Surprisingly enough, Giovanna and I made up and are now good friends.

"Only fear the things which have the power to harm" --Dante Aligheri, "Inferno" canto 2

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.

Posts: 136 | From: Roma, Italy | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
flirt doll
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i would not call this bullying..

but i hav a question to ask..
is that physical look matter that much?

my confession:i used to be a sligtly overweight kid in my early teen..(i was in my late teen now)apart from being overweight i also have lots of nasty zits n scarring on my face..
i must say that i suffer from low self esteem when i was younger..i feel like an outkast among my 'perfect pretty friends'..there are some kids who are really mean to me because of my that time,those mean kids will purposely boast things like the amount of guys they dated or who they dated with in front of me..i was made to feel like a guys will EVER have the gut to ask me out forever..that was the thought i have then..

fast forward to now,i have transform a lot..all my zits that used give me nightmare is now gone,thus leaving me with glowing & fair skin..
as i grow up,i begin to lose my baby fat naturally..m now having hour glass figure..
imust say i had transform a lot..
i get to finally see the 'ideal me'

there is a quote from the mean kids when they finally saw me,:"oh,the little ugly duckling had transform into a graceful swan"

they(mean kids) jaw dropped when they see me after my "transformation"..they have been nice to me ever,there are countless guy asking me out.

but i was too afraid...
i know n doubt those people is not my 'true friend'..i believe they are being nice to me is because of my looks..

so my question is:did physical(or outer)look really matter in everyone's eyes?

flirt doll~~~i love him

Posts: 3 | From: Malaysia | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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The things is, i had just moved to Italy from the United States. Everyone at my school was under the impression that all American girls were skanky, and were not going to be proven otherwise. If a boy were sitting next to me in class, he would often put his hand on my thigh and ask me "how I like it". When I'd brush his hand away and tell his to leave me alone he'd usually say something like, "oh, so you want to play it feisty with me, americana?". The other girls were jealous that I got attention from the boys, even though it was unwanted. I think it was attributed to not just physical looks, but their misconceptions of me.

"Only fear the things which have the power to harm" --Dante Aligheri, "Inferno" canto 2

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.

Posts: 136 | From: Roma, Italy | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I transferred from a Catholic school to a charter school after 7th grade. At Catholic school, I was very out of place. Everyone there belonged to rich families who were involved at the school, where as my parents worked all the time in order to pay for the tuition. I wore cheap clothes and didn't own a cell phone. I was chubby and short, and an A student. This didn't help my social status, as you can imagine. I had a few close knit friends, but when it came right down to it, they were invited to the big parties and I wasn't. I was made fun of a lot all through kindergarten to 7th grade, and by then everyone was into sex and drugs.

My parents wanted to place me in a charter school that a friend of mine from 5th grade went to, but I wanted to stay because I didn't want to give up what friends I had. But soon I learned that these "friends" weren't really friends at all, for they shared my deepest secrets and backstabbed me. I left for the charter school.

At the new school, I befriended some girls in my drama class. I was drawn to them because they ran everything, talked to and about everyone. I'm ashamed to say it now, but I wanted to gossip with them. And I did. It wasn't too bad but it was still wrong. When I started going out with my boyfriend, they said they were "sorry" for me and cut off all ties. I realized how bitchy they were, and how bad I had been.

This year has been pretty bad. Since it's a miniscule school, whatever gossip is at hand travels fast. My boyfriend and I were one of the only couples, our private information became public and took on a life of it's own. The rumors morphed into things that were completely untrue. For example, that I was giving my guy friends blowjobs behind my boyfriends back, and that my boyfriend had an STD. I became the school slut, when in reality, he's the one and only guy I've ever even dated! The older guys gave me such lovely names, like "sperm dumpster" and cracked jokes about how full my stomach must be from all the semen I've swallowed. It was hard at the time, but I now just don't care. I know I'm not a slut and that my boyfriend and I are in a good relationship. I have a solid group of friends who do care, and whenever we are made fun of, we just brush it off. I know my bulliers were just immature and jealous, but in situations were it's worse schools and parents should be more involved when it comes to protecting kids from bullying.

"My grandmother never gave gifts- she was too busy being raped by cossacks." ~ Woody Allen

Posts: 107 | From: United States | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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This is a great topic, joyfulgirl, but difficult for me to write about since thinking about it and what happened to me threatens to get the waterworks going. . .
I consider myself a victim of abuse by my peers---yes, I consider bullying to be ABUSE, plain and simple. If a child's parents treated their child the way some of my peers treated me, they'd be locked away and their children whisked to a different home in a heartbeat.
I suspect this treatment I received is instrumental in why I have such a strong hatred for children.

Mostly I was homeschooled but for a few years when I was in school from the 9-12 age range I was a very strange child, I had absolutely no social skills (I had no desire to play with other children during the age when these skills are usually learned and solidified) and was considered a "freak" by children at school, summer camp, wherever--you name it.
I have Asperger's Syndrome and when I was finally diagnosed with it in my late teens I realized that I had much stronger symptoms of autism as a child and this was probably what my peers were reacting to.

Basically I recieved verbal abuse which can be some of the worst treatment and words can do the worst damage, I believe (I hate--utterly HATE that stupid phrase "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me." It's the most untrue thing ever)
I remember kids throwing rocks at me, I was hit purposely in the head on more than one occassion by footballs and soccer balls by children throwing them as hard as they could. Some of the boys would hit me as hard as they could in the groin with a basketball. (this seriously creeped me out. I have no doubt that if my family hadn't moved I would have eventually been raped or at least sexually assaulted) I remember one particularly unpleasant episode where I was walking down the aisle between the desks (during a craft hour, I think, when kids were up and about) and I moved someone's chair out of my way. Immediately Ronnie (a particularly tall, cruel boy who spent most of his classtime breaking pencils against his forehead) strode up, loomed right over me and screamed in my face that if I ever touched his chair again he'd "pound me into the ground like a nail."
Another time some girl was yelling at me and kept screaming at me right up in my face that I was stupid over and over and in desperation I hit her arm, the first time I tried to defend myself. Naturally she hit me back, and all of this under the teacher's nose. She did nothing about it.

I think parents and teachers take bullying far too lightly. It IS abuse and if children don't learn that it's unacceptable they can easily grown up into the world's next rapists, murderers, criminals, etc. Bullying stays with you and it WILL do damage to you and how can you expect a young child to know all by themselves how to successfully protect him or herself emotionally and physically from bullies, whether it's just one or like in my case, the entire class?

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I think a lot of the time bullies go about their business because of things they don't have but other pupils/students/kids have. A great deal of it is jealousy driven.

I joined this primary school in year 4 and left at the end of year 6. In that time, bullying was rife, and it was mainly because of a band of kids in my class. There was this one particular boy who claimed he lived in a mansion, had his own car and his dad was a millionaire (bear in mind that at the time he was eight), but it was blatantly obvious to me that that was nowhere close to what he really had in his life. There were some other boys who were, so to speak, stupid and believed him, so they all became friends. And bullies.

The teachers knew about the ever-going conflict between myself and these boys, but nothing really happened. It only came to a full stop when I went to a different school (not because of the bullying, the school had an upper limit of year 6), but before I left that school I had to take year 6 twice - like repeating a grade in the United States I suppose - because I didn't have the confidence to go to another school; academically I was fine. I won't be surprised if it was the bullying that caused it.

Another episode of bullying of the same period was when I befriended someone who was also friends with someone else, which made that someone else less secure. Again, it's jealousy driven.

Now I'm 15, nearly 16, and I joined secondary school when I was 12. Since then I haven't been bullied once apart from when I was a victim of "happy-slapping", which swept across the nation's schools. It involved someone slapping random kids whilst a cohort recorded it on a camera (there was usually an audience too). When I reported it all the kids involved got detentions after school on a monday. They are not very tolerant, and I thank them for it.

It goes to show that in different schools, the extent of bullying can be anything from zero to critical, depending on the teachers that run the school. Gwaihir is right, they do tanke it too lightly, and it can make some childrens' lives hell when they don't deserve it. We sometimes heear about suicide in the news here, which is beyond unacceptable. I will go as far as saying that not every school is the same in how they deal with it though.

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. .and when I hear stories like Columbine and kids just busting into their highschools with guns and opening fire on the crowd I wonder how badly were they bullied? Obviously they snapped and couldn't take it anymore. And I know it's a terrible thing to think, but I can't help thinking that most of these kids that got gunned probably deserved it.
But I know that I need to research these shootings much more before I make statements like that.

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I would - as far as I know, in many school shootings, the shooters aim indescriminately, so regardless of the bullying they got, I don't think saying anyone deserves to get shot is terribly wise, or fair.

I understand the need to say things like that, but it doesn't go anywhere to actually solving the problem, you know? Most of the bullies I knew in elementary school grew up to drop out of school, or get kicked out of their home. One of them died in a car accident. In spite of them making my earlier years hell, and cry every morning before school, do I feel they deserved it? I can't say I can feel that way.

Unlucky at cards; lucky at love.

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I know in school shootings bullies aim randomly and in some cases I read about the victims were ones who hadn't done anything to the shooters--didn't even know them, in fact.
It's probably not wise or fair to think that, but I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling angry that way, so long as I know that killing doesn't solve the problem.
Most, if not all of the kids who abused me are more than likely on welfare, single parents or drug addicts and there was a time when thinking these thoughts filled me with vengeful glee, but I don't think that way anymore. I don't even think about where they are or what they're doing now.

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Thanks for starting this thread.

I was always bullied in school -and since I went to a Steiner school... Now, I don't mean to say all Steiner schools are bad. But ours believed kids should fulfill their potential -i.e. do whatever they liked. And I happened to be the smallest. And possessed with a temper and pride. Figure the rest.

I changed to a regular school with junior high and it was just so amazing. Sure, the school admins hated me -you only get kicked out of my former school for doing seriously crazy and violent things, and they didn't know I left voluntarily. And sure, I could not socialize with others at all -how could I, always terrified of violence. But still, no-one was allowed to beat you senseless during school hours.. That alone was beautiful to me.

I fully sympathized with the Columbine brigade. The only things that kept me from it back when were: the belief that violence was wrong -instilled by parents; the lack of access to guns -thanks to having been in Europe; and the belief that one place, one day, things would be better, if I just could stay alive and out of prison -courtesy of all those sex, drugs and rock'n'roll dreams that are supposedly bad for kids.

Then, I was apologized to, afterwards. And while forgiving was hard, I realized that having been a victim of ongoing violence as a child wasn't much worse than having been a perp. They were children too, and once their conscience developed, they felt very guilty. In the end, we were victims of the adults and the system which just didn't care.

And hey, Gwaihir -if an adult would be going through with the kind of violence I did, and I assume you did, there'd be hefty prison sentences handed about. But kids coming home with black eyes, bloody noses, and broken bones, day after day, is just somehow ok, just somehow a part of being a kid.

I think not.

We as adults now need to change that.

As a small kid I once made life torture for a kid who was different color from me. I spent the summer with my best friend's parents and they were ok with that. Once I got home, my own parents threw a fit and well, I figured out in five mins I did a Bad Thing, even if it took some extra brain development years to figure out as to why. Never bullied again.

Kids are stupid. Adults allowing these things to happen have no excuse, no excuse at all.

And even when I forgive, I have a hard time trusting the kids who were popular at school, or who never knew how it's like to be hurt and helpless. Anyone share that?

I don't get even, I get odder

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i just made a new topic like this i didnt see this... sorry... heres my story... and opinion... and about being "popular"

Being popular is everthing when you are popular, and when your not, you want to be popular. And when your not popular you have less then a 0% chance to be popular, people dont like unique people. Humans in general like to feel the "same" like who would want to move to a random state and leave everyone they know, its called "attachment"

Unique/shy/friendless people = target for getting teased = people getting hurt = suicidal, depression, and drug problems

you see where this is going... okay if you are teased its horrible... YOUR NOT ALONE SO STOP GETTING DEPRESSED. in NJ its only a week suspension for kicking someones *** thats a bully

i was out 2 weeks for fighting.

this was my story:

In elementary school i had no friends and started lifting weights to relive loneliness. 6th grade the same and i was a "nerd". 7th grade i tried to fit in and became a [rapper-type guy]. I was kinda popular but i wasnt that [rapper-type guy] kid, i was me. i still got teased, for ANYTHING, it didnt matter if i was GOD, YOU GET TEASED NO MATTER WHAT. most people can cope with it, the other people are either pissed or sad. im pissed. But im a shy and passive person so i didnt want to hurt anyone, i did the nonagressive thing. I ditched my "popular" friends that were [rapper-type people] and became me. during 8th grade i rarely talked and became "outcast #1" and went home everyday and lifted weights till i couldnt then hung out with my suicidal friend who had the same problems. 9th grade, i made a few new friends and i wasnt teased as much due to my muscle size. and had 2 bad relationships, life wasnt so bad then. Then my old [rapper-type] buddies still teased me.

One day, it the packed hallways, i had a massive recollection on everything that happened... my mind ticked off the possibilities, i could either:

1. cry
2. commint suicide
3. kick some ***

I chose 3...

It was premeditated... i planned how i was going to beat up the 4 kids that ruined my life and kicked all their [backsides]. (this is not recommended, i tried peacefully, then got aggressve)

(ill use 1st names), The 1st fight was a kid named greg... he was in my lunch, and at his table he was surrounded by 3 [rapper-type guys] kids all talking about how they sell cigrettes to the younger kids (that was a bonus, taking out the drug trade =], i found that funny) I politely walked over and sat down, they responded with "what the hell?" and other rude comments. I recall i said goodmoringing, or somthing of that caliber and asked the greg kid "why do you tease me?" everyone laughed at that point and they contiuned to harass me and joke. I was positioned across from the greg kid how i planned. I flipped the table and jumped over and pummeled the greg kid and the 3 [rapper-type] friends into submission and was suspened for a week

the 2nd kid was Ryan, he always hated me for unkown reasons and teased me and my friend constantly... the day after the greg fight, before the bus came i went to his bus stop and asked him "why do you tease me, why are you always hostile?" (Im quite intelligent and polite, i dont curse that much) he laughed and called me a "***" thats a bundle of sticks, that was soooo a fearsome threat... I foought him and left him crying at the bus stop... he didnt tell....

The 3rd kid was named Dan, dan was a great bastketball player. I talked to him and asked the same question... AND HE APOLOGIZED, i shook hands with him and we are not friends now but we joke around and hes pretty cool to hang out with...

The last kid was suspended for handleing knives and selling crack, he was bigger then me, same age, and went out with my 1st GF. I fought him in the middle of the auditorium and lost…. But he was suspended and so was I, he was expelled for carrying a boxcutter (Why I didn’t finish the fight)

[FightMusic, I edited your post for some language issues - we really want to make this site accessible for all, so please cut the language use.]

[ 08-30-2006, 09:48 AM: Message edited by: wobblyheadedjane ]

-A battle rages on the field, yet another conflict rages inside the minds of the combatents, that is where the battle is won, in the confidence of the warriors

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I deleted the double-posted topic to keep things neat and organized here.

You didn't list the many other options people have when being bullied: go to the authorities in the school, start an anti-bullying league, tell someone you trust, work out your issues with old bullies through peer mediation, or counseling, changing schools, etc. Limiting your only available options to just those three is pretty insulting to people who have done other than cry, commit suicide or fight, or even those who have done the first two. People's reactions to bullying are myriad as you can see from the posts before you, so narrowing it down to justify violence isn't terribly wise.

I really think this is a valuable topic, and since some teens do lash out violently at their bullies (think Columbine for extreme examples), it's worth asking why do or don't people lash out in violent ways? Why was it worth it to you, to retaliate violently instead of choosing other options? Did you ever feel that by doing so, you were stepping into the role of the bully? I think these can be valuable, and general questions, which apply to people who have thought of becoming violent and either did, or didn't, so anyone should feel like responding.

For me, it wasn't worth it to react violently. I used my anger and helplessness at being bullied and channeled it towards non-violent solutions. I did a stint of four years as a peer mediator at my high school, counseling non-violent solutions to problems of bullying. I also stand up when I hear hurtful words being used against others, because I believe strongly that certain places should be safe spaces for people. Sometimes in the fume of anger I've considered violence, but I think it wouldn't make me feel better, and fundamentally would change *me* and who I want to be. I don't think I would like that very much.

Unlucky at cards; lucky at love.

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I wasn't bullied a lot at school, that was something that was mainly reserved for after class with my agressors.

I grew up speaking French and Russian in my home and wasn't fluent in English when I entered school. There were difficulties with that but I eventually transferred to an immersion (French, my Russian is very poor now) school until high school.

Unfortunately, this didn't serve to develop my spoken English that well and I struggled with the problem of communicating with teenagers exclusively in my third language. I kept to myself, mostly.

When I was outed as a lesbian I began to have problems. Some of it was hateful speech but the majority was sexual harassment. The people in my year weren't an issue, it was the older kids, so this was only really a problem in school for one year.

I remember being groped by a couple guys in the equipment room during phys ed and dropping that class out of fear. Not an isolated incident. I even had a designated washroom stall where I went to calm down and "emergency cigarettes" tucked in my locker for stressful times.

I had issues with substance abuse.

When I'm under pressure or tired I lose my grasp on English, so they would make fun of my speech and accent. I usually just shut up and stared at the ground until they left.

I should have gone to the administration, but I was afraid to. These were the guys I would run into on the streets late at night, and the ones who would try to beat me or my girlfriend if we didn't do what they wanted.

I left that situation with memories of sexual assault, but it could have been worse, much worse. Apart from some shoving and being hit with all manner of projectiles on the street, I'm still alive when my aggressors invariably carried weapons.

I am lucky that my identity never became tied to my experiences. My upbringing was one of a very weary "c'est la vie, we don't struggle in the quicksand" where we were taught to just shrug and move on without grudges or regret.

I wish the adults who had seen (such as teachers, who were well aware of the harassment) what was happening had intervened, because I felt alone and like no one in authority would care. Maybe with that nudge they wouldn't have gotten away with what they did - but I know that's wholly my fault, and I knew it at the time. (Not that I was a target, but that I didn't report anything)

[ 09-09-2006, 08:45 PM: Message edited by: maybe ]

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