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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » scared! One of my friends has had sex , help =(

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Author Topic: scared! One of my friends has had sex , help =(
Member # 29108

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hi, i'm new to this forum, so forgive me for not putting a greater title.
ok, let's cut to the chase!
today, one of my best friends (Florence, we are 4 girls) told me that another girl from my group (Kathleen) had had sex. Not recently, actually in december, during Christmas eve. Although this was a long time ago, i've just found out, so i'm VERY shocked. The last few months, I had been drifting away from that group of girls(another loooong story) but now i'm getting together with them again, and as a welcome, i found this.
I'm really worried, Kathleen and her boyfriend (another friend called Frederick) have had sex 8 TIMES since december, and i think she hurried into things. She didn't know anything about contraception, pills or any anticonceptive method. I don't think she's pregnant (actually, i HOPE she isn't)or infected with STD as both of them were virgins, but the thing is: I feel like i'm the one that has lost the virginity.
I feel it so deep inside that i just can't explain! i may sound dramatic, but it just hit me like a huge bus... I can't look at her the same way i did anymore... plus she doesn't know that i know.

Anyhow, this is what is really worrying me today.
I'm from Argentina, and it isn't SO common that girls have sex at fourteen or fifteen, or i thought it wasn't... and she's like the 5th friend that has had sexual intercourse...and like the 8th person in the list.
What really has my head spinning is i supposed to have sex? Does not having sex make me childlish? I KNOW i'm not ready to have sex, i'm really afraid of getting hurt in the process... or getting pregnant. When I came home from school i cried (florence did too) ... cause i felt like i was being pressured, even though NOBODY said anything to me. I just feel like everyone is growing up and i haven't noticed, or worst, that i'm NOT growing up... Most of all, i'm scared of having sex or even masturbation...i think anything will hurt me... i don't know why!
I've had one boyfriend at the age of 13, and we kissed and french kissed, touched, but nothing sexual like oral sex or intercourse.
I think that guy really prepared me for high school, but it seems like i was wrong. At least now. It looked like when you are 13 or 14 kissing is just enough... and then, poof. It's have to take THE BIG step.
I'm so insecure about this sex issue...
as i have repeated, getting pregnant or hurt is what scares me the most...

i would really appreciate if you could give me some advice please, i really need some support.
thanks everyone, for reading this [Smile]

[ 05-29-2006, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: PigmyPuff ]

Posts: 24 | From: Argentina | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You seem like you know perfectly well what's best for you personally.

You don't want to have sex right now, you aren't ready to have sex or for all the possible consequences of sex right now, and you only ARE even thinking about this right now because your friends are having sex.

And that's NEVER a good reason to become sexually active.

I do think you are judging your friend a bit harshly, though: she IS still the same person who she was before she became sexually active. Maybe it's hitting you so hard because you're projecting a bit, imagining her to be you. She may or may not be being safe or smart, she may or may not be ready, but that isn't about you, that's about her. If you're close to her and want to help, and she talks to you about the sex she's been having, you can absolutely offer to talk about safer sex and contraception, about how she feels about her choices, but that's a conversation she really needs to initiate.

Right now, I'd concern yourself with YOUR choices and YOUR feelings about your own choices. Not being ready for partnered sex yet or wanting it yet doesn't mean you're immature. You know you're not ready for something, so it's not something you want to do: that's maturity right there.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29108

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now that i can think more clearly i was a bit harsh with my friend, and i want you (and her!) to know that i won't stop loving her for ANYTHING she did or will do with Frederick.
Thanks for all, you have been REALLY helpful! [Big Grin]

although, maybe you could tell me why i am so afraid of having sex and getting hurt? i've never been raped or molested or hurt in any way, so i really don't know

thanks again =)

Posts: 24 | From: Argentina | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 27369

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You're probably just not ready for sex right now, and that's totally okay.

I mean, I thought up until recently that I was 'OMG so super prepared for sex!' because I know dental dams, STI screenings, all that fun stuff. Like, just today I was talking with a friend about sexual things (even though she's had several partners of both sexes and I've had none). And I more-or-less know what to do physically (you've got a whole lot of body parts--just mix and match!)...... but I'm still scared.

I think it's just the whole intimacy thing. I'm a veteran masturbator... but having someone else touch you just seems so weird! It's cool... but really scary too. But I started to realize that if I had an emotional connection with someone (a friend, a girlfriend), it would probably be a lot easier to trust them with that physical intimacy.

If you are curious about sex, the safest thing to do would be to masturbate. It's pretty much risk free (as long as you clip your nails... ouch), but it's up to you in the end. (Plus I think it helps with body image. You can't enjoy yourself if you keep thinking about how fat your thighs are. At least for a while, you feel like the most beautiful thing in the world. And that's how sex should be, I think.)

I hope I managed to answer your question... somewhere in this ramble. *sheepish*

Posts: 129 | From: Mid-Atlantic US | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29108

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awww, thanks! i've thought it might be the, if it's not me who's touching then it'll probably hurt me.
i mean, it's stupid (and very) but i'll get over it eventually!
i'm not pressuring myself, i just guess that i'll get over it =)
anyway, thanks a lot! it really helps that two people had read my post and replied to it. n.n

i was kind of freaked out today, but now i'm so much better. Tomorrow i'll talk to Kathleen.

thanks! (:

[ 05-29-2006, 10:49 PM: Message edited by: PigmyPuff ]

Posts: 24 | From: Argentina | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29108

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hey! after several weeks here i am! i was so busy with school. Anyhow, my friend told me and it's not a secret anymore, at least not between the two of us. She said she hadn't told me earlier because my other two friends had reacted SO badly. One of them scolded her for being inmature and the other one freaked out and then calmed down, but she is still worried and not comfortable with it.

I had to fake my reaction a bit when she told me, you know, cause i already knew... I think i would have cried or something if she had told me straight out, but as you helped me SO much, when she blurted me the "news" I tried to be as supportive as i could. She laughed and told me that she trusted me and told me that she was surprised between the different reactions from every friend, and i laughed too and remembered this support group.

You really helped me and now i am more than willing to help my two friends with everything they need! I just want to be there for my friends when they need me, helping, not judging.

Thanks a lot [Smile] specially to Miz Scarlet and Origami Jane ^^!

Posts: 24 | From: Argentina | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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