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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » molestation

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Author Topic: molestation
-arsyn-
Neophyte
Member # 27744

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i've never told anybody this before and putting it here is really wierd to me, but here goes.

when i was little (maybe five or six), my mom worked and lived on a ranch and i got to run around all day there without being watched.

one day a bunch of the boys who worked there (who must have been about 18) took me into a secluded area, covered my mouth and restrained me on my back on one of their laps, and i was molested sexually. i'm pretty sure it didn't happen just once. but i never talked, never told anybody anything. i don't know how they could have expected me not to.. they just did things and then let me run away. i remember i ran to the pen where a baby horse was kept, because i knew they weren't allowed there, and then got yelled at and spanked for being in there.

since then i've had guys be really forceful with me and it was always horrifying. but.. it was almost always me who put myself in those situations. like getting drunk at a party and staying in a bed with a guy i barely know. going out with (though not dating) the same people, to a house that belongs to his friends and hanging out with them and drinking. stupid things. incredibly irresponsible and i did it all without thinking. to have kept my virginity as long as i did.. i was very very lucky.

i had put my younger experiences in the back of my head for so many years until i had a dream about it a while ago when i first became sexually active. which took until a little over a month ago. i'm 16 and have been terrified of any sexual contact until i met the really kind person i am with now, who knows nothing except that i have been through some things that were against my will. because of this he never tried to do anything unless he knew i wanted to. he's done so much for me, letting me get more comfortable with myself, and everything--but at first i was really scared to even kiss him. every time he touched me it was like it was intensified a billion times over and i was reminded of.. SOMETHING... that scared me, although at the time i didn't know what.

then i remembered. we had sex and i remembered, every time a guy has been forceful with me, every time i begged for mercy, every time a f*cking tongue has been down my throat. every time some one has said "suck it." but i never did. how scary it has been. how disgusting.

but it's wierd.. because lately i have found that, when some one has been forceful with me recently.. for some reason i really really like it. =\
somehow it turns me on. the guy i am with knows that but he doesn't do it very often anyway.

but, it repulses me and this is why i am posting. i can't believe that i would actually enjoy something that reminds me, however subconsciously, of something so wrong, so disgusting.

why would i be feeling this way? is this normal.. can anyone relate? or am i just a really messed up person..

Posts: 35 | From: Oregon | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You're not messed up. Chances are, you just haven't had the chance, and/or given yourself the chance, or even knew you need the chance to sexually reprogram.

It's actually very normal for abuse survivors to replicate abuse to some degree. Some of the violation which sexual abuse is can be, in effect, our abuser robbing us of aspects of healthy sexuality; robbing us of knowing the difference.

It's one thing to actively choose this stuff when it really IS a choice. When you've had some counseling, and when you DO have a choice: in other words, partners who do NOT treat you forcefully, without respect for your whole person or like a sex doll as a default.

Have you had any counseling at all? A support group? Even given yourself a chance to process your abuse, per writing about it for a year or so off and on, etc? If not, it's time for one or all of those things.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-arsyn-
Neophyte
Member # 27744

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thanks..glad to hear it's not unusual.

no, i haven't had any sort of counselling or anything, like i said i've never told any one, not even my best and closest friends. i haven't written about it either, in case somebody found and read it.

right now i just feel like accepting it. it's how i am, and what i like. if it's hurting me on some level when it happens.. i don't know it.

also, the abortion in my other post: i'm accepting that, too. i was really really scared. admitting that to my boyfriend was hard.. we were at a friend's house and when he asked me about it, i cried on his shoulder for hours, haha. cervix..dilating... (shudders) [Frown] that's all i'm really worried about. the thought of it makes my stomach turn and my heart starts beating really fast. maybe i will ask if i can switch to the medical kind before i go.

but i realized today i HAVE to do it. there's just no getting around it. i've cried about it so many times and probably will again, before wednesday, when my appointment is scheduled. but for now i am not stressing. i don't know where i'm going to tell my parents i am going at 9:30 am.. when i usually sleep until 2.. sigh -_- any ideas?

but things will work out, that's all that keeps me going. a day of pain and then i'm fine... i hope. i've never really heard what an abortion feels like or how long you feel badly (physically) afterwards.

i dunno about emotionally, for some reason i'm not really having any feelings about it at all, but i hear i might after. all i can imagine is relief that it's finally over.

Posts: 35 | From: Oregon | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm not sure how you can write things like this:
quote:
since then i've had guys be really forceful with me and it was always horrifying. but.. it was almost always me who put myself in those situations. like getting drunk at a party and staying in a bed with a guy i barely know. going out with (though not dating) the same people, to a house that belongs to his friends and hanging out with them and drinking. stupid things. incredibly irresponsible and i did it all without thinking.
...and suggest in the next post that none of this is harmful to you. You've said right there, very expressly, that it is. And behaviour isn't personality. In other words, putting yourself in harm's way isn't "just you." That's you, being traumatized and not knowing how to heal, most likely.

Again, I would encourage you to find some help in working through this: these things tend not to just fix themselves, unfortunately. Even if you can find just one friend to talk to about it to start, that's very likely to make a bigger difference than you can imagine. And obviously, if you haven't talked to your partner about it, that's something to consider too, and keeping mum about sexual abuse can become problematic in a sexual relationship. You've already made clear in your other post that you did not feel able to say no to your adult partner, and that's no small thing.

Medical abortion, for the record, is no more a cakewalk than cervical. It is, essentially, forcing a miscarriage to occur. You will deal with a good deal of bleeding and some very heavy cramping. But regardless, you will have a counselor talk to you before your abortion procedure to help you decide which method is best for you.

We can't tell you how to lie to parents: that's just not something we support unless honesty literally puts any user in physical danger of some kind.

Per recovery from abortion, it depends a lot on the individual. In general, recovery from a surgical abortion with a local aneasthetic tends to be fastest, that with a general next up, and medical abortion can take the longest. You may feel nearly back up to speed from any in a couple days, or it could be a week or two. And sometimes, it can take a few months no matter what procedure for the body to adjust to not being pregnant anymore per homromal changes.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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