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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » hard to look up when feeling this down - living with bipolar and major depression

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Author Topic: hard to look up when feeling this down - living with bipolar and major depression
oOo Lea oOo
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I am so pleased that i have found a place that I can go to just get things off of my chest. My name has changed from relivinganightmare to this user name because my ex changed my password to my old email and now i cannot get into it. So i changed everything.
I am in therapy for being bipolar and a major depressant. I have symptoms of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and have an anxiety disorder that causes me to take anxiety attacks frequently.
Some times I have down moments (those who are familiar with bipolar disorder know what I mean) and in those down moments I feel absolutely worthless, useless, hopeless and I feel like giving up. I am in one of those moments now.
the other night I told my cousin..and my grandmother..that i was raped. i have been living with this issue for 5 years and havent told a soul because it is hard for me to get it out. I cant even say RAPE outloud withouth getting sick to my stomach.
This time of year is so hard on me. My boyfriend (my 1st love..the love of my life) committed suicide 3 years ago. the 3 yr anniversary for his death was dec. 8 and I am still trying to get over it. My "mom" committed suicide 4 years ago in feb. (she wasnt my bio mom..my bio mom beat me when I was younger and we have just started talking a month ago and I am 20..we didnt say many words to each other in 10-15 yrs.) And my rock..the person i leanned on.. my grandmother (on my mom's side) passed away in august. she had resp. failure. They sent her home in july basically to die. On monday ..the last monday in August..they called and said they couldnt wake her up. she was living at home at the time on HOSPAS..which is end of hte life care..I raced to her house and got there around 12pm. I sat by her side holding her hand until she died on wednesday. I didnt leave herside for more than 5 mins..and only slept a total of 2 hrs. I have nightmares of watching her suffer. Gasping for breath. I have flashbacks of my grandad waking up(because he had been sleeping i his bed when she passed away at 2am) and going to her feet and saying "ill miss you baby. Ill see you soon". It is hard to live with. I feel as if i have no one left. All i have is my boyfriend and my cousin. And my boyfriend andI have been on rocks lately. Last night I locked myself in my bathroom bc I felt so horrible inside. I was afraid i wouldhurt myself. I made my bf go in and hide all of my meds. Im afraid of myself. And it kills me bc no one knows whats going on. My boyfriend has no idea. But i cant tell him. I cant get him out. I thought about writing him a letter, which i have done before..but I cant get the nerve to hand it to him. I dont want him to hurt liek i do. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ComplicatedShyGirl
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I have nightmares as well. They are hard to live with. I am not bipolar or major depressive..but I have seen some traumatic things in my life time. I have been around death and watching people pass. It is scary. I can imagine how you feel. indeed it is horrible.

I suggest that maybe you do write it. I think I remember a post with you and Miz Scarlet. Writing it down..if that helps..would be easier than looking someone in the eyes and telling them how bad you hurt. I have been there. If you cant hand the letter to him. Maybe you should hide it somewhere you know he will look, or mail it to him, or maybe even send him an email. When my ex and I were fighting I sent him emails because It hurt to see him and talk to him face to face but I still wanted to get the point across thatI care. It seems like you and your cousin are very close.

Rely on him if it helps. Like Miz Scarlet told you in an earlier post. Baby steps. You want to improve..you want to let it out..you just need time and help. YOu have come to the right place.

Good Luck Lea!


Posts: 12 | From: Reston, VA | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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You know, the first real, big love I had committed suicide too, when I was about the same age. That in and of itself is a really tough thing to get over. Add on the same loss of a parent, more neraby death in the family, and a sexual assault, and of COURSE you have some serious challenges.

In another post, you said something about people "deserving" to know about your rape. I wanted to address that because I wanted to make sure you understoof you don't owe anyone ANYTHING in that regard. At all. Ever. Who you want to tell, who you fee like it's helpful for you to tell, who you think is capable of handling that information and who you want to share it with is who you should tell.

Sounds like you could use more in-person support than you have. Freinds? A counselor? A trusted family member besides your cousin? A teacher at school you feel close to or who you respect? A mentor? Support groups? Do you have any of these things in your life? Let's see what we can't do to help cultivate them, okay?

Boyfriends and girlfriends can be great, but since young adult romances are often short lived, and can also often be turbulent, sometimes those aren't the best people to choose as your primary support. Too, all the extra stuff that comes along with a romance -- sexual issues, etc. -- end up making romantic partners sometimes less objective and less sound when it comes to dealing with this stuff.


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BiLLaBaBy017
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I am so sorry to hear that Lea. I am in your situation as well... well some parts. I am bipolar, agoraphobic (they're basically the same thing) and have an anxiety disorder with depression. Everyone says it's all the same thing.. but it's hard for someone to say all those things. I have been raped, beaten, molested, abused.. you name it I've been there. I'm also on medication for all these things..

In the past I have had thoughts about killing myself. My best friend killed himself when we were in 10th grade (I'm 19 now), my brother and his friend sexually assaulted me, my first love and his friends beat me to a bloody pulp when I was 15. I've been through a lot, and I've slowly been trying to get through it day by day.

It's very hard though, I have flashbacks and nightmares every night from each and every one of those things happening. My husband has been very supportive of me through these times, and I know it's hard for you to deal with these things everyday.

Slowly you will be able to get past everything and be able to have a somewhat normal life. I feel for you in every way possible.

I'm here for you, as well as everyone else here at Scarleteen. Don't be afraid to talk about your feelings. It was hard for me to tell these things, but I feel a lot better that I am able to share my past with someone that has similarities.

Like Complicated and Miz said, write it down. Keep a journal by your bed, and if you have a nightmare, or just can't sleep, write down your feelings. They will help you get everything off your chest. And it helps believe me does it help! Write down every emotion, every thought, every feeling inside of you.

You are not alone sweetie You will see better days, I promise Things WILL improve!

[This message has been edited by BiLLaBaBy017 (edited 12-22-2005).]


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oOo Lea oOo
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I keep trying to look to the positive and keep my head up but it is hard. Even more so right now. My boyfrend and I are havng problems. my parents hate him. They try to get us to break up. they are spreading rumors at my work about me and him and how I am cheating. Last night I went out fo rthe first time in a long time. A usual routine for me on wednesday nights was to go hang out at the Stray cat in my home town. Well last night I met up with my old friends. Mostly guys, and I went to the cat. My brother told my boyfriend that i met up with this old guy friend I had named Mark, and the only reason I went to the Cat was to drink and that I'd probably end up sleeping with him. MY bf called me at 12am this morning and I had just gotten home. i guess he saw my lights pul into my drive. ( He lives down the street) and he seemed upset. As soon as i got home my bro tld me what he had said to my bf. he thought it was funny so I knew right away why he was upset. i told him that whatever was said wasnt true. And we had a deep talk about trust. I knwo it hurts him. I wonder how much more he will take from my parents and my family. Its hard bc hes been there for me thru everything. I dont know what to do.
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Erin xx
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Last year, I was diagnosed with severe depression. Nothing big has really happened to me, I just am a naturally depressed person, I guess..
At 13 I've been a cutter, a pill-popper, abused drugs and alchohol, and had a few botched suicide attempts..
And that was the hardest thing ever to admit, I don't even feel like I can say anymore.

[edit] I forgot to mention that I came close to experiencing the suicide of my boyfriend, too. He tried to hang himself awhile back. He fell out of the noose. Thank God. I don't know what I'd do without him... (he has severe depression also, he had a very hard childhood... His dad used to beat him. =/) [/edit]
------------------
<3 Erin
http://myspace.com/jetblackfeeling <-- add me

[This message has been edited by Erin xx (edited 12-29-2005).]


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oOo Lea oOo
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The past few nights with my boyfried have been wonderful. New years eve we had a blast. We promised ourselves to each other for this year and we promised that it would be pointless to start the new year if we didnt intend on finishing it together and that we will work through anything and not let anything come between us. Just thought I'd throw that in there. (*btw..did everyone have a great new year? I hope so *) The problem is, i guess, the fact that I was raped. My boyfriend is SOOOO very protective of me now. If a guy comes near me he is RIGHT THERE. Immediately. Well, this guy who lives right across the strete from him has a major crush on me, and sometmes he comes on strong with it, not even caring that my boyfriend is around. Last night, I was walking to my bf's house, and just as I knocked on the door (it was locked) I heard "Hey! What the hell are you doing here" I turned around and the guy was RIGHT in my face. He had walked behind me hte whole way and I hadnt noticed. This is how sneaky this guy is. I was terrified. I kept knocking harder and harder while talking to him trying to get someone to answer, finally my bf's little 5 yr old bro came and unlocked the door. He went to hug me, I gave him a quick hug and bolted to my bf's room. He jumped up and looked at me and said "what the hell is going on?" then he saw the guy (which is my cousins friend) and my cousin jumped up and greeted him. I stayed by his side the whole time the guy was there. Later last night, my brother, cousin and the guy wanted to go to a basketball game and needed a ride. i said I would give them a ride (as long as someone was with the guy and I wasnt alone with him I was fne) Well the game started at 7 and it was 7:30 so we messed around til 8 before we left. Well my cousin and my bro were wrestling with me. My bro had me on his shoulders and told my cousin to beat my @ss, instead the guy jumped up and started smacking it, my bf got extremely mad and just didnt talk to anyone, including me. While we were in the car alone (instead of going to the basketball game we rode around and y cousin, brother, and the guy went to burger king to eat and we waited in the car) I said "baby, whats wrong? What happened?" (I had no clue.) He gave me that " OH like you dont know" look. I said "what is it?" he said He was smacking your *** , he stares at your chest, he never leaves your site, and yet you ask what is wrong!?" I tol dhim that if it bothered him then to speak up. He said he doesnt want to start anything with my bro bc he likes the guy and he doesnt know about what happened to me. He said that it bothers him because guys touch me and he hates it bc he knows what happened to me but he cant do ne thing about it bc he doesnt want me to think it is just jealousy. I know that he worries, but he doesnt do anything about it. When people make him angry he doesnt even confront them? He bottles it all in and puts up with it. I told him that if some girl would have been all over him that I would have definitely said something to her, no hesitation about it, no questions asked! Is it healthy for him? He is like this with every single guy now. and I have mostly guy friends. When I go out, he always tells me" well you know how I feel about this, I dont want ne thing to happen, so I want you to stay home, but if you want to go out, you are your own person, I cant stop you!" How can I ease his mind? Or can I? Is he just being a protective boyfriend, or is he taking this too seriously? im afraid he is going to become like me, a wreck, over this and this is exactly what I didnt want. I didnt want anyone to have to live with this like I am. How can I help?
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oOo Lea oOo
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Sorry that last post was a bit long, I just need some advice. I am clueless on what to do. Please, anyone have suggestions?
Thanks

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ComplicatedShyGirl
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It seems like he is having a hard time with your situation. I dont think it is jealousy. He is just concerned. You need people to be there for you. You cant just shut people out. You did that for so long and it didnt work. Perhaps you should have talked to someone who wasnt as close to you like your boyfriend. Maybe it wasnt a good time to bring him up to speed about your past and your traumatic sexual abuse incident. I think your boyfriend may have over reacted though. Did it bother you that the guy was touching you? If it did, than maybe YOU should have said something, and not have let him in your car. If you have been raped, and a guy scares you because he has some of the same strange actions or qualities as te person who raped you, or hes touching you and making you uncomfortable, its common sense to stay away from him. maybe that is what is upsetting your boyfriend. Does he really have any reason to be jealous?

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Heather
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It is normal for learning to establish boundaries, learning to be your OWN protector, when one has survived a rape.

Butcha know, it is essential.

So, why not go take a self-defense class? Why not talk to your partner about empowering YOU by helping you to be your OWN protector? Surviving is no good if we can't still go out and about in the world and live in it, on our own, after all.

YOU need to tell your borther that that situation wasn't appropriate, by the way. That onus is on you, and a simple, "You may not tell anyone to strike me in any way again," will take care of that. It's not your boyfriend's job to do this stuff, sugar, it's yours. That's vital to you being able to live in the world as safely as possible. Some of your boyfriend's reactions may be because you're actually setting him up to do things for you which you need to be doing for yourself: he's a partner, not a bodyguard.


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oOo Lea oOo
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Yes, I know. I don't expect him to take complete care of me. I don't want him to take control of my life. That is why I posted that last post. HE is being over protective. He worries about every guy now. It is my body to take care of and it is my body to protect. I respect him for wanting to take care of me and be there for me, but when he gets all worked up about everything, and (in some cases, like this) doesn't get it off his chest, I am afraid it will end up hurting him more. Keeping everything in. I had a talk with him last night. I took what you said into consideration and I told him that he can't stand up for me. I have to do that. I guess I was kinda relying on him, but I can't do that. This is my issue. I have to battle it. I can't let it take over my life, and make me dependant on other people. I've been independant my whole life basically, with this being in the dark. I told him that when I told him the situation with me and rape that I didn't mean to tell him so he feels sorry for me and protects me from all men, that I told him because It killed me keeping it in, and I had to confide in someone. I had to have advice on how to over come this, and I didn't want to hide anything from him. Now I kinda wish I wouldn't have said anything.
Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Why not?

Sounds like everything you said needed sayng, that you were absolutely fair in what you said, and moreover, right in it.

Men often have a hard time adjusting when the blinders are ripped off and HOW many men are a possible danger becomes clear. It's something a lot of women are more acutely aware of because we grow up knowing how unsafe the world is for us, especially if we find out by being assaulted.

This stuff takes time: I think what you said was spot on, and so long as you also acknowledge that yes, you by no means expect this to be easy for him, and you understand it's scary very well, you're good.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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