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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » i find a good one, but scared i'll ruin it

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Author Topic: i find a good one, but scared i'll ruin it
nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Hey,

Well I have been trying to get myself back together for a while, I had a string of really bad relationships after I was raped and I did what you said and took aa break. I havnt been looking for a boyfriend or anything, but Somehow found a really good one. He is a really great guy and he wont push me to do anything I dont want to do. But I am really scared that when it comes to sex I will freak out and i will lose this guy. The other day he kissed me and I was ok, but then all of a sudden when he wanted to go further I felt a tight knot in my chest and just was totally freaked out and had to ask him to stop, he did and was good about it, but I dont know how to get past this so I can just be normal with him! I feel like I mess everything up. I dont know how to stop myself freaking out, I thought once I found a really good guy it would just go away. I havnt even been thinking about what happened to me for a while, I just want to forget about it all, my home life doesnt help any either. I just want to know how to stop my body from freaking out when Im with this guy because he isnt gunna hurt me at all. Thanks for your help, this is a great site.

Nixie


Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know -- and hopefully you do already -- a partner who won't push you sexually isn't "good." That is an absolute BASIC. In other words, that alone doesn't make someone extra-awesome, that's something that someone shouldn't even get let in the door without.

In any event, per feeling better about this, just communicating your boundaries clearly will likely help a lot. Have a talk with this guy about what pace you feel is okay with you, and establish dialogue on the whole thing so you both can talk it out as you go.

One mopre thing: a boyfriend can't fix rape trauma. That takes time, and it's a very personal matter that's about you, not about if you do or don't have a relationship. Know what else? A "good guy" isn't going to be impatient about something like this, especially if they know the 411.


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nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Thanks,

But I dont really understand one more thing, I know that this guy is nothing like the guy who raped me and so I dont understand why I'm scared with him? Like I get home and I feel really stupid about it, but when its happening i feel like i cant control it and it freaks me out, even though afterwards I know i could have handled it better. Im not used to being with guys who dont push me into having sex with them. I guess thats why I found this one so great and different. I dont want him to freak out if i tell him, I dont wanna screw this up, I screw up every relationship, My mum broke up with my dad and stepdad because of me and I dont even really know what I did. I wasnt bad, I just screw things up all the time. I dont know if I will be able to explain it to him without freaking out myself :S Im sorry to ramble again! Thanks for your reply Miz Scarlet


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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If you think your parents and steparents split up because of you, I can assure you, you're wong. It's very normal for children to feel they're the cause of a familial split, however, it is very, very rarely so. And if your mother is saying that to you, then she isn't taking personal accountability for her own relationships, and flatly, that's crap.

You feel scared because you have been traumatized: if only one guy out of several or many is the lone person who has behaved like a sane, decent person, of course you're not going to feel safe for a while, doll.

Relationships take two, at a minimum. I promise you: no one person can screw them up. It just doesn't work that way, and if you've convinced yourself it does, you have got to let go of that idea because it's false and self-destructive. Heck, if you can think that with your own when you've stated you've not until now been with someone who didn't even have the common decency to respect your boundaries, you have GOT to get some clarity.

Know what else? It is 100% okay to be a mess when you're being emotionally vulnerable with someone else: anything else is pretty inhuman. So, if you freak out in explaining you history, it is okay. Just do yourself a favor and be sure this *really* is worth it, rather than you opening yourself up just because this is the first non-creep to show up.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor & Founder, Scarleteen
ST blog about Heather & Scarleteen
"You have to love women who are brave enough to do things so big in a world where women are supposed to be so small." - Andrea Dworkin


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Hey,

Well, I think that at the moment I am really sure. But I dont see him alot, and so I dont really know all about him or anything, all I know is he is nice to me, and I know I havnt chosen nice guys before and I took your advice last time when you said my judgment was probably off a bit (and it was) and I just didnt have a relationship for a while, So I dont know really if he is the right guy, but he doesnt make me have sex with him and he doesnt hurt me, and hes nice to me. so thats gotta be good right?

I dont even really want to have sex, It hurt me because of the endo, and I just get scared. But I would like to make him happy and I know I cant just not have sex with him cause then it would never work out.
I dont want to make him unhappy My friend told me today that I ruined my Ex boyfriends life because after we broke up he gave up school and started taking drugs. I dont understand because he was already taking drugs when i was with him and he broke up with me because I stopped letting him hurt me (he used to make me sleep with him and hurt me alot)But he is saying I have ruined his life, and it doesnt matter who it is that says it, its not nice to know I ruined someone life. And I dont wanna do that again. Im so depressed, I dont think I can tell this new guy about what happened. Every time I start thinking about it i get more depressed and need to cut and I dont like to cut because he is asking me where I got the cuts from and I cant just keep lying. Im so sorry, I know I should probably just get a web journal, but its just so good to talk to someone who isnt personally involved in the situation, like i cant talk to my friends or anything.Thanks again.

Nixie


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Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

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nixieGurl,

First off: you did NOT ruin your exboyfriend's life. It is NOT your fault: A "friend" who tells you that it is sounds like a pretty crappy, non-supportive (and wrong) "friend". I had an exboyfriend who was a drug user/dealer, who also raped me. Your ex's drug problem was there before you, and you certainly are not responsible for how he chooses to abuse his body. In face, it seems that he is the one responsible for doing a lot of bad to you, not vice versa.

Please stop worrying about him and work on helping yourself! I know you are hurting, and you shouldn't have to feel so horrible and without support.

However, I think reconsidering your current situation would be the first step to feeling better. I haven't read all of your posts on the board, but I highly recommend seeing a counselor asap. S/he's someone whom you could talk to honestly and openly and get good advice from.

quote:
but its just so good to talk to someone who isnt personally involved in the situation

Sounds like exactly what I counselor could do for you!

Re: Your current boyfriend. He may not be a bad person but it seems that the relationship is bad for you right now. You are looking for a confidant and friend right now, which is totally understandable. However, when that support comes with strings attached, it's just destructive and ultimately a lot harder on you. So your group of "friends" hasn't been supportive: What about reaching out to a parent or other adult you trust? I know where you've been: You're looking for love and comfort and security, but please look to someone responsible and platonic.

quote:
So I dont know really if he is the right guy, but he doesnt make me have sex with him and he doesnt hurt me, and hes nice to me. so thats gotta be good right?
Well, maybe BUT you are still feeling a lot pressure. Maybe he respects your boundaries, but it's not right that you feel you have to have sex with him when you clearly aren't ready for it. There are a lot of other ways to make people happy, and truly good people would not want to have sex with a partner who was clearly not ready for it.

Seriously, I know where you're coming from firsthand: You need to put yourself first, stop trying to please others. It's really hard to do, I know, because it's somehow ingrained/brainwashed into you that you should be worrying about them versus dealing with things yourself.

As for relationships and sex, I would take a break until you've had a chance to process things more. I found that what Miz Scarlet wrote about relationships and sexual boundaries for rape survivors at http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum9/HTML/000910.html was very, very useful and thought-provoking. After being raped by my boyfriend, I felt the need to have consensual sex-- even though I did not really want it or feel ready for it or enjoy it at all-- just to make it feel like the rape had actually been my choice. Of course, this is really faulty reasonings, but at the time I was so off-kilter I couldn't really judge things well.

You say you're depressed: Please, please do something for yourself. Get out of the relationship, get away from these negative friends, and see a counselor.

------------------
I was raised to be strong and hard/but if you touch me wrong/I fall apart/I found a woman who's soft but she's also hard/while I slept she nailed down my heart ~morphine~


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nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Thanks so much for your replies Mz Scarlet and Ecofem. Im having a rough time and it really helps to be able to talk to people that understand and dont make me feel like im wasting there time. So thanks!

I have tried going to a counselling before, and i really didnt like it. I had to go when I was just a young child (i was sexually abused as a child, when i was very young) and i had to go again a couple of years ago and i tried to go not so long ago, but to be honest it made me feel really bad. I really did try, but the whole time I was there I felt like I had done something bad and I found it really hard telling the counsellor about all this stuff, cause I know some of its just stupid.

I cant talk to my mum about things like this. She doesnt know about what has happened to me. She hasnt been doing too well since my step dad left, she is kinda getting better now, but ive been looking after her for a while because she has been really down. Thats why I stayed in this city for school, I had really wanted to move away and try to start again kinda. I cant talk to my dad, he lives kinda far away in a different city and I dont see him that much. My sister lives far away too, and she has enough worries.

This new guy is really ok, Ive seen him a little bit more for the last couple of days, and he really is good, and he makes me feel good, so im gunna try to make it work. I think this one will be ok. I can usually deal ok with all of this and just put it in the back of my mind and try not to think about it, but then it all comes back sometimes and the bad dreams come back and everything just makes me feel unsafe i guess. I have been trying really hard not to cut, and I try to keep myself busy when i get really upset so that i dont cut, but most of the time when i do its like after i wake up from a bad dream and i am not even thinking straight and then do it and then after that im like ugh why did i do that. Its just these last couple of weeks i havnt been able to deal with any of this stuff very well and i havnt been able to forget about things like i sometimes can. I really just want to go to sleep and not wake up again. And im sure that would make it easier for me and everybody. I just dont know how to get through all this at the moment, I just dont feel like i can handle it anymore. Thanks for listening once again, I really appreciate this place. Helps me alot just to come here. Sorry this is so long.

Nixie


Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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