This is a long post and I apologize if I have placed it in the wrong category, but I desperately need feedback.
My name is Igby and I'm 15 years old and will be turning 16 in a few months. I was 10 when I had an experience with my cousin and her best friend Melinda when staying over one summer at my Aunt Vicky's.
At the time I had an idea about what sex was, but not exactly sure what to do (or who with) at all. My cousin was 12 and so was Melinda. I don't know what she was thinking back then, really. I suggestively asked her about it a year ago and she never said anything (I obviously made her uncomfortable). She's 17 now; I don't talk to her much.
I stayed that entire summer; Melinda lived next door to my cousin. I was 10, never kissed, clueless, and I liked her....a lot. She was one of those wild ones, a trouble maker....drinker at 12. After I left that summer and then came back the next, everything had changed. I think that they found out exactly what they were doing to me, but I never asked. That second summer was the last I ever went there.
When I turned 12 I learned about lesbians and gay people, thanks to a sex education class in sixth grade. Of course, I never said another word about that summer. I was terrified, did not know what to think.
I turned 13 and moved on to the seventh grade. Seventh grade...I met Tyler. Not the "hottest" boy in the class or the coolest, but he was an amazing artist. We shared that, our love for the arts. Unfortunately he had a thing for trading cards, that didn't exactly turn me on, but I had the biggest crush on him anyways. We were both very much so slackers in school, both straight F students. My math teacher had sat us beside each other at the front of the class for that reason. Maybe having us at the front would make us pay attention. I would sit and watch him draw the entire class. When the tests were handed out I told him he should do them instead of draw. He would always make As on the tests, and so did I. We were smart, but just didn't try.
The end of that year came around and it was yearbook signing day (fun day). The day I decided I was just going to go for it, ask him out. He avoided me the entire day and I never did get to ask. I went to summer school so I would be able to move onto the eighth grade. I heard his name called out, when the teacher was checking attendance, but he never came.
I passed and attended a different school that year and Tyler had remained in seventh grade. All that year I was back to my old habits of not doing my work and getting Fs handed back left and right. I knew I was going to fail.
It was around the end of the year that to my surprise Tyler had come back (or I should say to attend my school). He was still in the seventh grade and every morning I saw him walk around the gym before we were let out for classes. I never really talked to him then, but after awhile the students started putting us together. He eventually started giving me notes. I knew the whole note drill....boy, girl, back and forward....I hated that stuff. We exchanged numbers and he invited me over to his house. I went to his house and he asked me out, of course I said sure.
There was an incident that happened at the school three weeks after he had got there. A rumor was started about him having a hit list and they searched him. It was a trench coat he had just received from his mom's friends. There were empty bullet shells in the pocket and he was sent to safe school.
That summer he was put in a mental hospital by his parents. Before you judge, let me tell you a few things about Tyler. His family is very dysfunctional. His mother is unstable, among other things. He is the oldest of five kids (all half-brothers). He was living in a house with his unstable mother, step father, three younger brothers (one lives with his dad), and last but not least Eileen, her baby boy (no relation), and his Aunt. He did not at all get along with his step dad. Eileen's “baby daddy” is a...well yeah, and he and Tyler did not get along. Tyler's aunt is even more unstable than his mother and has many, many problems.... The real reason he was sent to there was because of a fight (throwing punches) with his step father. Tyler has a lot of emotional problems from past events in his life and substance abuse. He is also bi-polar. Tyler is the original LLFU and the most talented, caring, intelligent, coping, understanding person I have had the pleasure to know and love.
I believe it was that summer when I truly started to care about him. I never really had felt love like that from another person. He thanked me all the time for helping him. I was never sure back then what I helped him with... I have an idea now, of what it was.
We continued to date seeing each other on weekends and such. I failed the eighth grade and was to repeat. He was to stay in safe school until halfway through the year. By the time he came back to regular school I had had problems with my health causing me to home school instead. We stayed together, a little bummed about never being in school together.
Now this year, I have really opened up to him about my past and where I come from. I care about him plenty and I've always trusted him. He never really has trusted me and he does have good reason not to. At the beginning of our relationship I was never honest about myself, a constant liar really...a cheat. I have chosen not to tell you much about Chris, as I would very much so like to forget everything about him. I'll keep it short and say...nothing.
Tyler and I have been together a bit over two and a half years. We are almost idolized for that considering our peers think it's all about popularity and who's hot. My parents have grown to like him very much and have accepted the fact I'm no longer a virgin (though they would prefer we weren't so...hormonal).
Tyler has known for a long while that I am also attracted to girls. He himself having past experiences, understands and accepts it, though also keeping me in check. I have just this year told him about Melinda and my cousin once more. I tried to tell him at first, but I wasn't ready. I didn't think he was either and he probably never would have believed me. He believes me now...
Just yesterday I broke down. I mean utterly broke down. I had been holding in a few things the past I don't know how long and finally.... I told myself over and over again that I needed to talk to him. It was something that would have great impact on my life as well as his. We had discussed it before, but that was way before I told him of Melinda. Back when I was lying.
He was very calm after I told him, very calm. Almost too calm for my comfort, but I knew it was the reaction I wanted compared to the alternative. He wanted to talk, he said he had been meaning to for a very long time about this. It had been since the time I put bisexual as my orientation on myspace.com. He knew I wasn't at all comfortable with calling myself straight. We had been together for how long and I still said I was bisexual in this very much so straight relationship. All that had made him uneasy back then and now he's just happy I was honest about it the whole time. But now... now that I broke down and released it all... came out in saying there is a strong possibility... I'm not even attracted to him sexually anymore, not at all. I've denied that until just now this second. Don't get me wrong, it's not him...it's me, and I'm pretty sure of that now. I love him very much and I don’t know what to do. Neither of us wants to end this bond we have. He loves me still... He will still love me no matter the result of this. I'm very happy I told him, but what now...
He didn't call me at all today until when I was in the middle of typing this. At first I thought he was avoiding me, but a very good friend of his is in the hospital as of today. They have a blood clot that has traveled to the heart and is causing a lot of problems. I’ve met him once and he’s really not the healthiest guy.
I'm scared... and I really only have Tyler to talk to. I'm not exactly a social person and I cannot by any means talk to my family... I'm pretty sure most will not except it and I'll be shut off yet again from my grandparents and outer family, just I was when I came forward about my being a complete Atheist after reading the bible cover to cover. I hadn't thought about my immediate family's reaction much either... My dad is sick with cancer by the way, and my mother is not someone I get along with. My brother and I are quite a bit distant... Richard voted for Bush....twice. Richard is the man my mother is with all the time and he sleeps on the pull out sofa bed in the living room.
Again...this is a long post and I apologize if I have placed it in the wrong category, but I desperately need feedback, anything would be great....