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Author Topic: i definitely need a little support here...
TrinityWay333
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I just must be so stupid. I just must be the stupidest little girl out there and I think I made a big mistake. My boyfriend, who just got out of prison a year ago, lives with me. I love him to death. We've been having unprotected sex for 6 months now. He has shot up drugs in the past in front of me. We went down to a local plasma center a couple weeks ago and he sold his plasma. They test for all these diseases and stuff... Well I noticed a letter downstairs from the center at like 430 am and I made him open it in front of me. Now, all it says is that there is an abnormal result and they want him to go back in to talk to him about the results. I am so scared. I am too young. I am just so scared it's HIV. It's 6 am now and the center opens at 8 and it's like a half hour away so in an hour and a half I'm gonna wake him up again and suggest we drive down there, but he's already pissed off at me for waking him up to make him open the letter. I don't know if he'll go, and I dont want to get HIM too worked up about it, because, after all, it's HIS letter, but... hey! I'm at risk here!

I can't believe how stupid I've been! Everything was really good for a while, and then I lost my job and he lost his and 2 nights ago he beat me up really bad (the first time he has even ever hurt me) and then he injured himself... The neighbors had called the police and they pulled rifles on him and he kept beating me in front of them... the whole time I'm going "You need to stop... because they might shoot you!" It wasn't until they released him from the hospital and he made some comment like "It's pretty bad when what your doing is driving me to violence" that I suddenly realized it was such a weird thing to say, "stop beating me because the cops might shoot you" ... he shouldn't have been beating me, period.

And anyways, I was up at 430 AM because he's still in my house and I'm not sure I'm okay with that, and just when I thought at least I hadn't screwed up THAT bad, that I could end this relationship before it got any worse if that's what I chose to do, and I could make a decision in the morning, I see this letter that might mean no matter WHAT I do, it might be too late. I might have already messed up too bad. What do I do now?


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Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by TrinityWay333:
And anyways, I was up at 430 AM because he's still in my house and I'm not sure I'm okay with that, and just when I thought at least I hadn't screwed up THAT bad, that I could end this relationship before it got any worse if that's what I chose to do, and I could make a decision in the morning, I see this letter that might mean no matter WHAT I do, it might be too late. I might have already messed up too bad. What do I do now?

Ok, right now don't think past decisions or about the test, but get out of the house and away from your boyfriend. You need to protect yourself in the here and now, which means getting away from this abusive, extremely dangerous guy. Go to a friend, family member, etc. any one whom you can trust and help keep you away from him. Right now the danger of physical harm is much more important than the potential results of his HIV test.

You cannot make him take care of himself, but you CAN take care of yourself, which you should do right now. If he isn't respecting you but being pissed that you asked him to open the envelope to see the results, who says he'll even go check his results. You can get tested yourself and see what it says, but first things first.

So, regardless of this test, leave him please, and do so right now. You can work on evicting him later but now don't be around him alone. If you don't have friends you could stay with, I suggest going to a safe house for women. What country/state/city do you live in? I would later report his beating you up to the police, along with your neighbors' testimony of seeing it happen. That he not only beat you up in the first place, but that your neighbors pulled guns on him and he STILL didn't stop is really, really messed up on his part. Then again, under the influence of drugs people can do crazy things and you don't know what to expect.

An advocate or sexpert can give you better, more detailed advice as what to do but for right now, as a personal plea from me, please get away from him asap. Don't worry about having "screwed up" in the past, now's the time to something very smart for now and the future. You can get tested yourself later, now is not the time to worry about his results.


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Heather
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I cannot figure out for the life of me why or how the police would have released someone who was both publically abusing a partner AND resisting arrest who had previously done time before. To say that in most areas, that is highly unusual is an understatement.

Your life is at risk in more than one context here, so Ecofem's advice is sound. Get the heck out, and go back to the police. Have them evict him, and have them direct you to a women's shelter for a few days if you do not have friends or family to stay with while the dust clears. Your instincts about not wanting him there are sound. You can't do anything about the unprotected sex you were having -- and you're right, that was foolish -- but you can prevent yourself further harm by leaving now, and getting aid to evict him from your residence.

Per the HIV, his results are of no use to you, anyway: you need your own tests done. It's past due for you to do that as-is, so arrange to have your own tests done to get an answer on your own STI status.

Once more: get out. You're feeling stupid for making some decisions which put your life and health at risk before, so why keep making more? You can prevent yourself harm right now by leaving and getting him out of there.


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Hotaru_mimi
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just in case 2 ppl arn't enough GET OUT
You will never forgive yourself for staying and putting up with abuse. There are so many options for you and staying with him is NOT one. Wait till he's asleep have your things packed and leave no trace of where you're gonna be. You will thank yourself for leaving if not now then soon.
Please do this for yourself.

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TrinityWay333
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Uh.. But he's right here. And he's being real nice. That was the first time anything happened.

Anyway, we went today, and he has Hep C. I'm getting blood taken on monday, but I'm pretty scared...


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Heather
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I cannot, for the life of me, figure why it is you are far more scared of a completely manageable illness than you are a very much NOT manageable battering relationship. Nor can I figure how you went from being -- validly -- terrified of even waking this guy up to completely comfortable with him in less than 12 hours.

Nice guys? Don't beat their partners. Not once, not twice, not EVER. Nor do they level blame at their partners when they have beat them. This is what abusers do. Know what else? A first time hardly ever means a last time: battering isn't one-time behaviour, it is an escaliting pattern. This first time only means you're just now getting started. I'd be willing to bet, however, that emotional abuse factor which are warning signs of soon-to-come physical abuse were in play here before this happened: things like strong jealousy or posessiveness, blaming you for his bad behaviours or emotional upset, we've got drug abuse and prison time in there already. In other words, chances are good this wheel had started rolling before you even knew it. The fact that he likely had high-risk sexual behaviour in jail and was willing to have unprotected sex with you already speaks volumes.

If I told you I was walking out into the highway and got hit by a car, then did it the next day because I'd only been hit the once, would you think me as sane and sound, acting in my best interest?

If he's really nice and thus, is suddenly having some very serious self-control issues (though from just the history of his you have posted, trouble with self-control is hardly a new issue)? He'll leave, voluntarily, without you even asking, until he examines those isues with a pro and sorts those out, over a substantial period of time.

And if you're really concernd about your health? You'll not be blinded by niceness the next day from an abuser: plenty of women who have been aren't alive anymore for that next nice day: that's textbook abuser/victim behaviour. Look at how you felt mere hours ago with this first post you made and at what's coming out of your mouth now: it simply isn't sane.

On the Hep C front, that isn't a death sentence or anything close. Hep C is very manageable. It's not half as dangerous as having an abuser in your home is: you should be a lot more scared of that.

Please, please act in your own best interest. get out of this now, before the next time. There will be one: there almost always is. Know what that means? That means that most women who, like you, think that the first time is the last time? Are very, very often as wrong as you likely are now.

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 10-08-2005).]


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angelchat
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Listen i was abused mentally, physically, verbally, and sexually when i was a child, i couldnt do much about it because i was a child. I was in an abusive relationship when i was 15 he raped me and beat me, trust me if you stay things will only get worse. I couldnt do anything about things when i was a child, but i certainly was able to when i was 15. Do yourself a favor and get out while you still can, you will thank yourself later. And believe in yourself you deserve better and know that there are people out there who wont hurt you like this.
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Leni
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My mom always told my sisters and I:

*if a guy (boyfriend/husband/partner) ever... EVER ... lays a hand on you, GET OUT. Because it won't matter how many times he apologizes, he's done it once, he'll do it again, and you don't have to wait for it."

And I think my mom is right.

Love,
Leni

------------------
dive into shine, even a deep darkness changes into shine, because i am believing the moment


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uNF_Rena
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The point is.. no one, men or women.. should make phsycial contact when they are mad. Youforget your strength, and even a tap on the shoulder can become overly exagerated. Just keep your hands to yourself.. take a walk.. I dont think you should stay with this guy. But you should make him calm down before he looses it. break away think about your opinion and dont raise your voice when arguing.
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TrinityWay333
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well... my own feelings about it obviously don't matter now. They came and arrested him.
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Heather
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Well, if he was arrested for assaulting you again, then no, you for whatever reason deciding that being assaulted is somehow okay doesn't negate it being a criminal act.

And if that IS what he was arrested for, might be worth thinking about why it is that it makes sense legally, and to pretty much anyone thinking of everyone's best interest and well-being, that assault IS a dangerous crime in which the attacker needs to be removed from people he can harm, but you feel is acceptable, babe.


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TrinityWay333
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he didnt hit me again, it was for the same incident, it just took them a month. anyway, i can deal with him hitting me. i can deal with that.

am i going to die with this disease? is this going to kill me? i am so young. and i have messed so much stuff up. is this going to kill me?


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daria319
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No, you CANNOT deal with him hitting you. That is, by far, the worst part of the situation. Yes, you may have Hepatitis C, but it is treatable, especially since you're getting tested fairly early.

I don't know why you can't seem to understand that if someone is hitting you, they DON'T love you!!!


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Heather
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You know, choosing to be abused doesn't make it okay. It being tolerable doesn't make it okay.

I am -- truly -- beside myself that you are MORE scared of a common, manageable medical condition (and no, if you take care of yourself -- and guess what? -- that includes removing risks to your health and well-being like an abusive partner -- you will not die from Hep C) than you are an abuser. There's no other way to say it: that is delusional, backwards, crazy thinking.

I can tolerate deep poverty. But if getting OUT of deep poverty is a simple thing to do, which involves one step out one door, would you think me sane for staying in it? I can handle being injured or breaking a limb: but if I stood in the middle of the street waiting for a car to hit me to break my legs, would you question my judgment? I sure hope so.

You have a greater statistical chance of an abusive partner killing you, by a serious long shot, than Hep C.

So, if you're worried abut the Hep, talk to your doctor. get information, find out what you need to do to take care of yourself (which also, btw, includes now always practicigng safer sex with partners to avoid additional infections, which will be far harder on your immune system now: how much you wanna bet this guy is going to support you in that?).

But don't kid yourself: the Hep C is not your biggest problem here. If this guy comes back, he is and if you set yourself up to be in situations like this again, if you stick around people who abuse you, THOSE choices are far more detrimental to your health and well-being.


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TrinityWay333
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*Blinks* I just must be from a different planer or something. People HIT people. And, while I can sympathize with people going through the horror of being beaten allll the time, I've been hit by SEVERAL men. And about half the time, it only happens once. And if they seem to have a temper problem, I leave the relationship. I'm REALLY not a weak person, by nature, just a careless one. And (knock on wood) I've never been seriously hurt. Except this time. (Heh) and with ALLLLL the information I have recieved, it seems more likely that I got Hep C from him when he busted my hand open that night and bled ALL over me than the 600000 times we've had unprotected sex, he should probably get charged, with like, capitol murder instead of assault with a deadly weapon, but you're saying NO, Hep C ISN'T lethal, but most of the info I have read says I have like an 85% chance of DYING from this, and REALLY the 15% of people who DONT die from it are most likely people who just uhhh die from something else first... And yes, maybe I'm wrong, but the point is, this guy might not be a saint, but he doesnt wish harm on me and right now he's in jail. He's in jail, he can't hit me. At all. He's in jail. When he gets out.. in like... 5 years, I doubt the first thought on his mind will be "I wanna finish that beating I started on a little girl 5 years ago... right now. I want to kill her"

But, I feel a little better. It's just hard, because a lot of CONDITIONS are manageable, but that doesnt mean they dont kill you. The holidays are around the corner. I'm a KID. Like I'm really this young KID. And I'm spending Thanksgiving with my aunt dying of MS, and my uncle dying of cancer, and my parents who are always semi worried about me, and I've got like this SECRET I've gotta deal with over the holidays. It's hard.


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HumanTornado
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quote:
Originally posted by TrinityWay333:
*Blinks* I just must be from a different planer or something. People HIT people.

No, people do not hit people. At least, they are not supposed to. And if they do, that means they do not respect you and that the relationship is most likely not one that should be continued.

quote:
NO, Hep C ISN'T lethal, but most of the info I have read says I have like an 85% chance of DYING from this, and REALLY the 15% of people who DONT die from it are most likely people who just uhhh die from something else first...

Hep C is really most likely not going to kill you. If you start getting treatment now, you can keep the disease under control. Yes, you'll have to take medication and be more careful, but you have a very good chance of leading a relatively normal life for many many years to come.



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Heather
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I had no idea he had been put in jail for five years. That -- sadly -- is very unusual for a domestic assault case unless the assault was incredibly bad, the offender has a history of other assaults, or the case was in the public eye.

Obviously, even thug he likely won't serve all that time, that does take him out of the picture far more than I anticipated, thus we have to worry about him less.

But you know, he is in jail. It should be obvious that what he's done isn't just normal and okay. And no: abuse in relationships isn't okay. If you keep getting hit, you keep choosing abusers. Given your age, the notion that it only happens once in a relationship is fallacious: you haven't spent enough time in relationships long term to experience the patterns yet.

Save, of course, that you have ALREADY reported a pattern of being "hit all the time" if you're saying several men you've been involved with have hit you. Think about it.

So, for your health and well-being, work on breaking that chain, eh? Look into a support group, some information on patterns of abuse, and choose your partners more cautiously. The ones that keep landing in jail are pretty easy to immediately put in the "not safe" pile.

Who knows when he gave you the Hep C, could have been any number of occasions.

I don't know where you're getting your information on Hep C, but here is some sounder stuff for you.
http://www.cdc.gov/ncidod/diseases/hepatitis/c/fact.htm
http://www.epidemic.org/theFacts/hepatitisC/diseaseProgression.html
http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/hepc_ez/
http://www.cdc.gov/ncidod/diseases/hepatitis/c/faq.htm#1e
http://familydoctor.org/071.xml

Also, check your library for information. My friend Cara Bruce, for instance, wrote an excellent book on Hep C called The First Year: Hepatitis C: An Essential Guide for the Newly Diagnosed. There are lots of good resources on Hepatitis C.

But again, talk to your doctor. Start taking care of yourself, in toto, body and mind, with far more care. If you drink, stop immediately and completely. You can't do that anymore now. If you haven't started medication yet, hop on that.

I don't mean to diminish that what you're dealing with, all around, is difficult. I have absolutely no doubt that it is. But given HOW all of this happened, I don't want you to dismiss the fact that this guy, this abuser who "isn't a saint," is at the root cause of ALL of this, so from here on out, it really IS a very big matter of health, and very important to your well-being that you do everything you can to get out, and stay out, of abusive scenarios. In your first post here, for whatever reason, you were thinking soundly, you were seeing things clearly. Why you backpedaled, I don't know, but I'd refer you back to that post to read, because you were thinking much more clearly there.

I'd also suggest you not keep this a secret. You're going to need some help and support as you dal with the Hep C, get used to your medication and taking better care of yourself AND change your choices.


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